Ch 10 – The Spectacle of Pregnancy

"Am I even a widow, Jackie?"

Karen wasn't sure she could handle the funeral, and Jack didn't want her to.

'Please,' he thought, 'decide not to go.'

But Jack knew he was powerless. He could never dissuade her from attending Stan's funeral, and moreover, he knew he didn't have the right to try. Instead, he'd nursed the mother of his child through the long, hard days that came after Stan's passing, hoping and praying that they would all make it through. Karen had been belligerent, and miserable, clingy, heartsick and everything in between.

The first hour had passed so painfully slowly.

Nurses rushed in the moment Stan's heart monitor went flat, trying desperately to revive the enormous multi-millionaire. Karen's tears slowed as they worked and she, knowing in her gut that their efforts were futile, climbed on top of him, and clung desperately, as if the effort would mean she'd never have to let him go. Karen's stone silence and refusal to move, speak, cry, or seemingly even breathe, had stunned Jack. She closed her eyes, tears easing out onto her cheeks as she felt the warmth leave her former love's body. She clung to him tighter as the nurses worked, shutting out the sound of their commands, and finally the words: 'time of death' …. as if she was trying her best to hold on to Stanley, to keep even seconds from passing after he had.

In the first hour, Karen refused to leave his side, even after he was long gone. Jack watched with a careful eye, stunned and afraid to approach as she lay there, catatonic atop her former, dead lover. When they finally moved the body, Karen remained, curled up in a partial fetal position, refusing to leave him, even after he'd had been taken and she'd been left by herself on the bed.

Jack would never forget the panic, or sadness that overcame him as he watched Karen through the hospital room door, unable to say, or do anything to come to aid her as she lay there, catatonic, and barely even breathing. Jack longed to act, but knew his Karen so well, that to him, her silence said more than a fit of tears ever could.

Even if he approached; he knew without a doubt that he'd be turned away. In that first hour, Karen shut out the world, and refused to allow anyone to comfort her or come near her, for fear that any attempt to fill the gaping void that now consumed her, would mean that she'd have to look forward and start, even then, to move on.

She could not do that.

Finally, it was Maddie who brought her mother out of her stunned state. Waking with the hiccups, Karen felt new life stir inside her; even as all feeling of life seemed flee from her own being. And it was simply too much to bare. With Maddie's kick, reality seemed to strike. Starting to sob, Karen let her body shake uncontrollably as she bawled.

Jack rushed in, curling up on the bed with her; picking up the pieces as he always did. She'd said nothing but accepted his embrace eagerly. She cried herself to sleep in his arms, that night, and had every night thereafter.

Now, two weeks later, they'd finally reached the day of the funeral. Karen was still a mess, but Jack was elated that at least her extreme duress had not seemed to cause their daughter any harm. She was still growing like a weed and due to be born, in just a less than a month.

They were in the home stretch.

"Of course, you're a widow Kare." He soothed, putting her pearls around her neck.

Karen was so worn out; both from the death and the increasing burdens brought forth by the unborn baby. She had yet to say it but, was convinced that either her husband's exit from the world, or her daughter's entrance into it would finish her off.

"You're pretty Kare." He tried to encourage, fluffing up her hair.

"I'm fat." She lamented. "And everyone's gonna see me. That bitch, Kathy, Lorraine…"

Karen sighed. It wasn't the weight. It was the spectacle of pregnancy, at her age, by a gay man, at her husband's funeral.

…..

"Well, it looks as if mummy really is mummy." She winced, hearing Lorraine utter from behind her.

Karen scooted closer to Jack, staring straight ahead, and trying her best to ignore the obvious stares, sneers, and whispers within her periphery.

"It's okay Kare, we're in this together. You're not alone and you never will be." Jack emphasized, squeezing her hand.

Karen was numb and frantic all at once. Her mind swam as the funeral began, and with another man at her side, and his child under her heart, she almost didn't feel she had the right to play the grieving widow.

'Stanley did so much to hurt you.' A quiet voice reminded her. 'Don't feel bad about being with someone who makes you happy…' Karen squeezed Jack's hand, causing him to reach over and take her other hand in his also.

As if sensing her angst, Grace scooted in close to her on her other side. For once, Karen didn't feel the need to quip, or snap, and simply sighed, feeling comforted to be loved, all around in the midst of such spectacular pain.

….

Jack was relieved to get through the funeral and the wake without Karen breaking down, or worse, going into labor. Now, many hours later, she lay awake, drawing circles on her belly with her fingertips as, releaved after weeks worth of worrying, tried to get to sleep.

"Jackie honey?"

"Hmmm?" He muttered, luxuriating in the feel of his sleep mask and newly moisturized face.

"Honey I…" She paused. "Honey do you remember being in bed with me?"

"Ha-what?!" He exclaimed, sitting up, haphazardly pulling off the mask.

Jack's eyes popped open in terror. Why in the world would she ask that?! And on the night of her husband's funeral. The inquiry jarred him, making all the hair on his body stand on end. The recollection made him queasy for a multitude of reasons, and despite the incident being a life changing one, he did not like to dwell on it. He took in a deep breath, nearly gulping as the baby kicked him hard in the gut, reminding him of the consequences of his own actions.

"I don't feel like I remember as much as you." She considered honestly.

And somehow, she did not. Jack wasn't really sure what he'd been thinking at the time, but in hindsight, he remembered it all too vividly. Everything had blurred together and for a good chunk of it; he'd been unsure of where he was, or who he was with, or what was really happening. Upon thinking about it, he was sure that whatever he'd consumed that night had been laced with something.

"So?" She asked. "What happened? I wanna know the juicy deats Poodle. Mama doesn't remember."

Jack gulped, unsure of what to say. It was all far less complicated for her than it was for him. Months later, and with the consequences being what they were: Jack found himself afraid.

'You were higher than you've ever been in your life.' He reasoned with himself, unsure of what to say to her. He wasn't sure he could tell her the truth or relive it without throwing up. And he knew Karen: she wanted intimate detail.

Here she was, talking about one of the biggest nights of their lives, as if were a mere, matter of girl talk, something done one night with a strange man, rather than the thing that would change their lives forever and make Jack question himself so deeply he could barely stand to breathe.

Jack cleared his throat, deciding to answer for her sake. It was, after all, the evening of her husband's funeral.

"Well. When a gay man, and a woman love each other very much…" He pretended to explain. Karen burst into giggles, slapping him playfully.

"Be serious silly! It was haphazard and awkward right? I'm surprised you even got it in there!"

It'd been far from haphazard, and even farther from awkward and that's what scared him so deeply. What'd happened, you ask? He didn't recall how they'd gotten to the bedroom, or how it'd started, all he knew was that he'd pursued her. Not the other way around. From the first moment, it'd been hot, passionate, and just right… just like every kiss they had ever shared: there was something undeniable there.

It'd been a night of fireworks, one like he'd never had with anyone before. He'd been relentless in a way he'd not known he knew how to be, even with another man: and it scared him. Jack shook his head, trying to get her out of his mind: the trouble was he'd not yet been able. She'd been so soft, and enticing in a foreign, exotic way, and most of all, more gorgeous to him than ever before. He didn't realize, then, that in some way, that night, the brush of her lips against his, the feel of her soft skin grazing across his body, and most of all, the image of her moaning, begging under him would never leave him, not as long as he had breath.

Jack shook his head no, mumbling as if his mouth were taped shut. 'It can't be! It just can't!' He panicked. 'I can't be… straight! This isn't happening! Ryan Gossling, Ryan Gossling, RYAN GOSSLING!' He cried, as if wishing for a shirtless fairy godfather with perfect biceps.

"So, how was your first girl?" She teased. "I was your first, right?"

Jack wasn't sure what it was, but something about their night together had fundamentally changed his feeling toward her. He noticed her now in a way he never had before. It was less of an attraction, and more of an appreciation… as if somehow that night had made him realize how sweet making love could be… And how much he really loved her. And all of that terrified him immensely.

'Could I love her…' His heart whispered. 'More than I lust for someone else?'

Jack shook his head in disgust, as if trying to rid himself of notion that so burdened his battered heart.

"I-it was gross Kare. But you're my only girl." He said simply, kissing her on the forehead as he settled into his pillows, turning his back on her.

"You hear that Maddie? Mommy's daddy's only girl. I think that's very… Sweet." She decided. Karen had never been someone's only anything before and was touched by the prospect, even if it met very little.

She propped herself up on her arm, staring down at him as he turned to sleep, knowing there had to be more to the story than that.

"Good night Jackie." She said, pausing a beat before leaning down and kissing him deeply, feeling proven right when he absentmindedly started to kiss her back.

"Good night Kare." He said, hoping to end the discussion. He put his arm around her middle, pulling her back down into his embrace and closing his eyes, wanting to shut it all out.

"Good night poodle." She whispered, now feeling as if she knew the truth.

Karen fell asleep, feeling justified. But Jack lay awake, his eyes wide open in the dead of night, feeling more confused than ever before.

….

Jack's head swam as he admonished himself for what had happened last night. He and Karen made out all the time, but this had been different. She'd kissed him with the pointed, intentional aim of testing him and while he didn't realize that so specifically, he'd known there was something deeper in her kiss than pure fun and it made him uneasy. 'It's not women as a group.' He told himself. 'It's because it's Karen… and you love her with all your heart.'

Jack tried to convince himself this was about his heart and not his hormones, and moreover, that it was about her losing her husband. After all, he'd been married to Rosie and shared a bed with her having never felt a thing. He thought quickly about the varying women in his life: Rosie, his mother (ew), Bonnie (noooo thank you), Grace, and several others, quickly finding that out of all of them, Will and Grace turned him off the most.

"Odd…" He thought aloud.

"What's odd honey?" Karen asked, pouring herself an abnormally large cup of milk. In that instant, he found himself staring at her breasts.

'It's the milk.' He gulped, again, reasoning with himself.

"You want some?"

"What? No!" He panicked.

Karen reached over and placed her hand on his forehead, concerned. "Poodle you feeling okay? You're a little… weird today."

"I'm fine." He insisted.

"Here," She handed him a glass, "You need your strength, daddy."

Jack hesitated but started drinking the milk.

"Oh, honey that reminds me. My milk started coming in this morning."

Jack choked, the cow's milk shooting across the room.

…..

"You don't wanna have sex with her Jack, that's ridiculous! But you do love her… Like I love Gracie."

"You don't wanna have sex with Grace?" Jack questioned, acting more surprised than he should be.

"No!" Will was disgusted.

Jack wasn't sure. It was the second time he'd breeched the subject with Will and he was mortified to have done it.

'Me?' He'd asked before. 'The master homo in the flesh, concerned he's in love with a woman, how crazy!'

The two men walked through the park toward the manse, following a boy's day: a long spa treatment, and day of baby shopping.

"Look." Will continued. "You guys have been through a lot lately. You lost your son. Her husband abandoned her and then died. And now, she's having your baby. It's only natural you're going to feel… protective, a-and closer to her than usual." Will reasoned. "She probably feels the same. I-I know I'll feel that way when our time comes, and I know it doesn't mean anything is going to change."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Maybe you're right. But you always feel that way about Grace."

"No I don't!"

"I just feel so… Unnatural!" Jack cringed, his arms full of obnoxiously pink baby paraphernalia.

Will rolled his eyes, pulling a sparkly pink onesie of the bag he carried and showing it to Jack. It read: Daddy's Gaga For Me. "This is unnatural for you?"

"You just don't understand Will!"

"Jack." Will reasoned, gently putting his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Everywhere we went today, you tried to get the parking, and the special seating and even the special spa treatment for expectant mothers…"

"Well my ankles are a little swollen…. And the hormones are just all over the place!"

"Trust me: you're still gayer than ever!"

"Yeah but Will I…"

"What?!" Will was annoyed now.

"I'm jealous of how much she loves Stan."