Authoress' Notes: And in this chapter, we reveal what's in Ness' backpack that would want to make him carry it around everywhere he goes! How delightful!
What Goes On
Chapter 10: The Super Awesome Cool Pizza Murder (Part 2)
("Well, let's face it; we're all natural-born killers. C'mon, help me drag 'em outside so we can bury 'em...") sighed Pikachu. He tried to pull Ness off the bed, but accidentally dropped him. ("Oops...")
Lucas pushed him. "Man, don't drop him like that! Oh, he is so gonna get you when he wakes up!"
Kirby frowned. "Lucas, he's dead!"
"No, he's not!" He held Ness close. "He's just taking a nap! A very... nice... nap!"
The Star Warrior backed away. "Dude... Are you okay?"
"NAAAAP!" Lucas began to hyperventilate, rocking back and forth while still holding Ness. "HE IS TAKING A NAAAAAP! And tomorrow, he'll wake up and tell me to go away and stop trying to put on his shirts like he always does...!"
"...Woah..." Popo sweatdropped.
He laughed maniacally. "Hee heh heh hee ha heeeh! Yeah, you'll do that, won'tcha, Ness? Yeah, you will. YOU ALWAYS DO!" In his insanity, Lucas started shaking him, causing his backpack to fall onto the bed.
Pikachu's ears perked up. ("Hello? What's this?") He began going through it.
Lucas nearly had a heart attack. "OMFG, WTF ARE YOU DOING?!"
Nana glowered. "Pikachu! Don't you dare! Going through his things is wrong and you know it!"
He smirked. ("Yeah, but I'm sure Ness won't mind...")
"Y'know, I've always wondered what was in there, too..." said Kirby, joining him. "He always used to carry that thing everywhere... What could be so important about it that you can't even have a battle without it?"
Popo also got in on the snooping. "Ooh! I wanna see! Lemme see!"
Nana went over to stop him, as Lucas began to bawl uncontrollably. "Guys, stop it! C'mon, this isn't right!"
"Hey, look!" Kirby pulled out a picture of a girl. "I think this is Paula!"
"Ha, nice angle! I can almost see her--" Popo blushed deeply. "Oooh, I think I just did..."
The female scoffed. "...Typical boy. He would take it while she's walking over a vent..."
("...While it's blowing,") added the Pokémon. ("I think she did it on purpose...")
"Aw! Look, look! A teddy bear!" Kirby squeezed it. "I think it might be Paula's, 'cause she's got it in the picture."
Pikachu stifled a laugh. ("Sheesh, she must really put out.")
"And... is this a picture of Porky?" Popo held up a picture of Porky dressed in a very stylish, almost pimpish outfit, complete with gaudy rings on his fingers. He almost looked as if he were posing for a photo shoot. "It reads, 'Smell ya, later, Pig's Butt!'"
Kirby pointed. "...Is that his phone number on it...?"
Nana looked away. "...I don't even wanna know."
Popo frowned. "Hey, wait... Didn't you just say that looking through other people's things were wrong? I thought you were gonna stop us, and then give a lecture and bladdity blah blah... Y'know, like all girls do."
She blushed, then hit him for the biased comment. "W-well! You're right... It is wrong, but... uh... Well, that pic of Paula was... uh... I mean, I'm just... kinda curious... They're really cute together, and... I... well...!"
"C'mon..." urged Popo, smirking mischievously. "Ya know ya wanna..."
She glanced at Lucas, his teary eyes pleading with her not to look. ...Plunging her hands into the backpack, she shouted, "I'M SORRY, LUCAS! I HAVE TO DO THIS! THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He then proceeded to faint.
("Look! A DS! Cool! He's got the Diamond Version!") Pikachu nodded, turning it on. ("Yep, he's a normal 13-year-old, all right. Lemme see his progress...")
"Aw, here's a group shot of him and a whole bunch of other people we don't know!" said Nana, showing the picture. "How sweet. He's very family-oriented."
"Ooh, a Mr. Saturn!" Kirby added, pulling one out.
"BoING! To YoU, I SAy HeLLO!" it laughed.
("Haha! This is awesome! Who knew going through other people's stuff was so fun?") laughed Pikachu, fighting a random Trainer on the DS.
"Look!" Popo jammed a card in Nana's face. "A credit card! Can you say, 'shopping spree'?!"
She frowned. "Popo, that's an ATM card..."
Lucas was close to tears. "You guys are so disrespectful! Why are you doing this?! Ness just died, for crying out loud!"
("What? It's not like he'll know...") Pikachu smiled at the DS. ("Aw, sweet! 492 Pokémon?! Not bad, not bad at all! And he didn't even cheat; he traded! You, sir, have new respect from me.")
"Yeah," said Kirby, playing "Red Light, Green Light" with the Mr. Saturn. "It's too bad he's dead, and all..."
Nana pulled out a cell phone. "Ooh, neat cell phone cover! It's got the SSBB symbol on it! Nice..." While inspecting it, she accidentally hit the "redial" button. "Oops...!"
After a few rings, someone picked up. "Hello?"
The other Ice Climber snatched it away, pushing Nana down. "Hello?"
She growled. "No, Popo! Get off!"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"HELLO?!"
Popo grinned. "Hi!"
The voice sighed in irritation. "...Ness, is that you? What're you doing calling me so late?"
"Popo! Hang up!" angrily whispered Nana, trying to get it back from him.
"Uh... well, I just wanted to say that, uh... YOU'RE A BIG, FAT, STINKY DOODIE HEAD!"
Nana gritted her teeth. "POPO!"
The voice was outraged. "What?!"
He hung up. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG, that was rich!"
Kirby and Mr. Saturn rolled around with laughter. "Best phone conversation ever!"
Pikachu whipped Ness' hat around, now wearing it forward. ("Uh, hate to intrude on the laughing at other people's expense, but we really need to do something with the body. Killing Schlemiel was bad enough; we can't let everyone know Ness is dead, too!"
Nana groaned. "To the graveyard, then?"
("To the graveyard!")
"Uh, whaddabout Lucas?" asked Kirby, pointing to the fainted boy. "We can't just leave 'em here..."
He sighed. ("Bring 'em. He's a witness, and a very crazy one at that...")
Outside, several feet from Schlemiel's grave...
("Uh...") Pikachu held up a phone book, reading it upside down as Ness did earlier. ("Today... er, night, we have come to pay our respect to Ness... um... what's his last name?")
"Ooh!" Popo waved his hammer about. "Name 'em Minch! That's an awesome last name!"
("No, that's Porky's last name!")
Sighing, Nana rubbed her head, finished digging the grave. "It doesn't matter! Just hurry up so we can get this over with..."
Popo made a face. "Hey! We can't bury Ness in that!"
"Why not?"
"The hole's like, two feet deep! His head'll be up above ground!"
She shoved her mallet into his face. "Well, you try digging with a hammer and see how deep you can get it!"
Kirby dropped his broken trophy into the hole. "You were a good kid, Ness. Rest is peace."
Popo snickered. "Lol, or should we say 'pieces'?"
Pikachu frowned. ("Wow. That was both lame and unnecessary.")
He laughed. "So says the guy wearing his hat!"
("Hey! It's very fashionable--!")
"...OMG, I can't believe you guys are doing this!" cried Lucas, suddenly waking up. "You're all just asking for it! You'll regret not listening to me later!"
"There is no later for Ness, Lucas," said Kirby. "He's dead; let it go already!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
("...Huh?") Just then, Pikachu's ears perked up. ("...Hey, wait... I think I hear something... No, someone...")
Nana squinted into the distance to see who it was, then gasped. "Guys, it's Peach! She's coming over here!"
Panicking, Kirby grabbed Ness. "Quick, we gotta finish the funeral before she gets here! Skip to the good part!"
("Uh...!") The mouse flipped through the phone book, reading quickly. ("May your afterlife be filled with video games, candy, and hot women! Forever and ever, amen!")
"NOOOOO!" Lucas pulled him back. "He's not dead! I keep telling you that, but you just won't listen to meeeeee!"
("That's because you're in denial!") spat Pikachu. ("Now, throw 'em in the grave before Peach gets here!")
"Hey, Peach!" laughed Popo, waving at her. "Come join the fun! We were just about to say goodbye to Ness! You can even do a eulogy if you want!"
Everybody facefaulted as Lucas began to twitch uncontrollably.
Peach put her hands on her hips. "What're you kids doing out here? It's half-past midnight! You should all be in bed by now." She noticed Ness' grave and frowned. "...What're you doing, anyway?"
"Nothing!" shouted Kirby. "Uh, we were just gettin' somethin' to eat! 'Cause we're hungry!"
"...In the backyard?"
"Yeah! Uh..." The blond danced Ness' body around, trying to imitate him. "I'm here to kick butt and take names! And I'm all outta butt!" He frowned. "Wait..."
Peach sweatdropped. "Uh, what's wrong with Ness? Why are you talking for him?"
Lucas started sweating bullets. "W-what?! I-I'm not talking for him! I-it's all a game, you see?"
She raised an eyebrow. "A... game?"
"Y-yeah! S-see? W-we're playing... uh... uh... um...!" He began to tear up from lack of a good excuse.
Nana came to his rescue. "Uh, Dynamite Zombies Bros.! Yeah! And it's... uh, Ness' turn to be the zombie!"
She giggled. "Aw, how cute! you kids and your imagination. It's all just too adorable!" She then looked down into the grave. "Oh no... Looks like someone broke his trophy..."
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I SWEAR!" bawled Lucas, dropping him. "IT WAS ALL POPO'S FAULT! I LOVED NESS LIKE A BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!"
"...What?"
Nana bonked him with her hammer. "Oh, heh heh. Don't mind him. He's playing the part of the crazy psychopath who thinks he killed his best friend, who came back as a zombie... which is being played by Ness. Heh heh..."
"WHY?!" He continued, shaking Ness. "WHY DO WE ALWAYS HURT THE ONES WE LOVE?!"
"Oh..." She scooped up the figure. "No matter. He can just win another one by completing the Classic mode again."
She blinked. "So, you mean... Our souls aren't bound to our trophies?"
The princess laughed. "Oh my, no! Who told you that?"
("Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...") Pikachu looked around for some help, but none ever came.
"No, the whole 'trophy' thing was Master Hand's idea. Apparently, we're supposed to be his and Crazy Hand's 'playthings'."
Disgusted, Nana made a face. "Ew, that sounds so... wrong."
"Actually..." Peach rubbed her chin. "Other than fan service, I'm not exactly sure what meaning they convey anymore, but you won't die just because you trophy breaks. Of all the ridiculous things!"
"Uh, yeah!" Kirby smiled. "Heh heh heh... Ridiculous..."
"Now, it's time you went to sleep, understand? It's way past all of your bedtimes." She left laughing.
...Everyone sat in an unsettling silence until Nana spoke. "...Then... if Ness didn't die because his trophy broke, how did he die?"
No sooner had she said that, someone groaned. "...Ow..."
Everyone gasped. "Huh?!"
Behind them, Ness woozily sat up, confusion written all over his face. "W-what'd I do? Did I... Did I kill somebody again?"
"NESS!" Lucas grabbed him in a bear hug. "You're alive! You're really alive! Oh, I knew you'd pull through, even when the others thought you were gone! I had faith in you, man!"
"Okay! Okay! Really full stomach here...!" he gagged, prying him off. "This does not feel good! This does not feel good...!"
Kirby gawked. "But... how is this possible? You were dead as a doornail two seconds ago!"
He grinned stupidly. "Nah, that was just an out-of-body experience. No biggie."
Nana sweatdropped. "Uh, you seem to miss that fact that you were actually dead."
"Well, duh. I told you it hurt to exist. So much in fact, I guess I kinda did myself in." Embarrassed, he rubbed the back of his head. "Oops..."
"...WTF?"
"Yeah! I even saw The Man!"
("Who?") asked Pikachu.
"Y'know, That Guy, The Big Cheese? The Head Honcho?"
("Master Hand?")
"No."
"Crazy Hand?" shrugged Kirby.
"No."
Popo frowned. "...Tabuu?"
"No!"
Lucas scratched his head. "Giygas?"
"WTF?! No!"
"Sakurai?" guessed Nana.
"No--!" He stopped and thought about it. "Actually, I think it was him. Anyway, he was all, 'Your time's not up yet! Get back down there and make me some more money!' Then he booted me outta... wherever we were. My butt still hurts..."
("Uh, do you remember Popo breaking your trophy?") questioned the rodent.
"Huh? Oh, yeah." He waved it off. "Ah, whatever. I'll just get another one..."
Nana pondered. "Hmm, then it must've been something you ate. Uh, what exactly did you eat?"
"Some pizza, a cake, steak, donuts..."
"No, I mean before you passed out."
"...Some pizza, a cake, steak, donuts..."
Lucas blinked. "I'm surprised all that didn't kill you."
Kirby sweatdropped. "Anything else?"
"...Uh, oh, yeah! Now I remember! My after-dinner snack..."
("What was it? Must've been poison if it almost freaking killed you,") scoffed Pikachu.
"Uh..." He fished some nutshells out of his pocket. "Well, dinner was already over, so I snuck into the Item Closet and got these..."
Nana examined a shell, angrily flinging it on his forehead. "WTF?! Ness, these are Deku Nuts!"
He belched, already too dazed to be affected by it. "So?"
"You idiot! You don't eat 'em; you throw 'em! They're called Throwing Items for a reason! And when you do throw 'em, they explode, just like that one did! These things can kill you!"
He sneered. "Aw, phooey. I... I had like, like, 20 of 'em and I feel... I'm... I'm... I feel... I'm... I'm very sick..."
"20?!"
("Wow, that's just plain wrong,") remarked Pikachu. ("You should be on cloud nine and playing a harp by now.")
"I knew it!" accused Kirby. "He must be an alien!"
"Maybe we should get him to Mario," said Popo. "Didn't he used to have an evil cousin who was a doctor?"
Pikachu rolled his eyes. ("That was Mario, dumbass. Doctor Mario was just a clone.")
"No! Only... only girls go to the... optometrists!" spat Ness, trying to stand. "And maybe kittens..." He fell over.
"Well," Kirby laughed uneasily, "all's well that ends well, right? I say we should all just go to bed and pretend none of this ever happened."
While on the ground, Ness' eyes ran across his DS, Porky's picture, and opened backpack. "...What's this...?"
Pikachu flinched. ("Uh, n-nothing! You... uh, you dropped your backpack while you were sleeping!")
"Yeah!" Kirby added, sweating nervously. "And uh, your stuff just happened to fall out of it, not that we would know, since we wouldn't dare look through your things!"
Popo scratched his head. "Uh, but I thought you guys were just laughing at that kinky picture of Paula and talking about how she puts out, or something..."
Kirby flattened him with his hammer, while Pikachu gave him a good shock. "SHUT UP!"
Ness sat up, scowling. "...Pikachu..."
("Uh, heh heh...") He meekly laughed. ("Y-yeah...?")
"...Is there a reason you're wearing my hat and have that picture of Paula in it?"
("Uh... It's Halloween, and I'm going as a horny you?")
He narrowed his eyes. "...You guys were looking through my stuff, weren't you?!"
"N-no! Uh, heh heh! No! I mean, w-why would we ever do that?" defended Kirby.
Lucas smiled almost satanically, something that, given his gentle demeanor, was just flat-out wrong. "Hey, Ness, did I ever tell you how they rummaged through your stuff like it was garbage? I tried to stop them, but they just wouldn't listen to me."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, they were all, 'Wow, what's this?' and 'I can't believe he's got that in there'. It was downright degrading."
("Lucas, you stoolpigeon!") growled Pikachu. ("How could've you stooped so low?!")
Nana sighed. "I think Ness' anti-hero issue is starting to rub off on him..."
"Oh, okay, heh heh... Ah, y'know what?" He groggily stood, pulling a weapon of mass destruction from his pocket. "It's officially on now. The gauntlet has been thrown... I was saving this to get back at Lucas for the Rayquaza thing, but screw it. I'm too sick to physically knock the snot outta any of you, so I'll just hafta do this."
Kirby paled. "...Is that a Smash Ball?"
He nodded, smiling evilly. "Oh, yeah... Got it from the Item Closet..."
"Uh, Ness?" Popo laughed nervously. "You know you can't use those outside of battle, right?"
"...Who's gonna know...?" He smashed the ball in his hands, gaining its power. Ha! I made a funny! "Nobody looks through my things and laughs at them behind my back... expect ME."
Nana frowned. "Wait, what?"
("Now, look!") reasoned Pikachu. ("I'm sure we can all resolve this without violence... Right? We're all friends here, right?")
Ness lowered his head. "At Smash Mansion, violence isn't the answer, Pikachu..."
Everyone sighed as he said that.
He then snapped his head up, eyes yellow from the Smash Ball. "It's the question! And the answer is YEEEEES!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" was the collective response as everyone ran for their lives, except Popo, who was trying to figure out what "yes" was the answer to again.
"PK STAAAAAAAAAARSTOOOOOOOOOOOOOORM!"
"Ah..." sighed Lucas, enjoying the pwnage of his friends. "Best light show ever. Don't you think so, too, generic Mr. Saturn?"
"ZoOM! zOOm! thE WiN Is FOr THis!"
Authoress' Notes: Got a big, fat "WTF?!" the first time I grabbed a Deku Nut. Thought I ate it, and the next thing I knew, everyone's acting like they're suffering from a hangover. Narcotics, anyone? XD