"So, when I called, Lourdes told me that Benny was at the library working with some kids from his class on some group project for Geography," Gloria was saying. She laid her hand of cards face down on the counter and then picked up a slice of cucumber from the bowl between her and Red.
"And she actually believes he's where he said he is?" Red asked in surprise, bringing a carrot stick halfway to her lips and blinking in surprise.
They'd finished getting through the lunch rush and without any discussion on either her or Gloria's part, after the other women had dispersed they had both lingered behind. Now they were perched on top of the counters, angled towards one another, in the middle of a game of cards they both kept forgetting about because talking to one another was far more interesting. Red had brought out some of the vegetables she'd picked from the garden that morning and hidden from the others. After the unappetizing slop they'd been forced to make for lunch, it had made Red smile to see how Gloria's eyes had lit up at something usually so unattainable around here.
"She went to the library and spied on him," Gloria giggled. "He's got to earn trust back if he wants it."
"Well, I'm glad that he was there," Red replied. Her foot dangling over the side of the counter brushed lightly over Gloria's calf.
"Does that mean he's doing better in school?" Red asked, swiftly moving her leg away before Gloria could think she'd done it intentionally. To her surprise however, Gloria crossed her legs so that her foot was deliberately touching Red's shoe. The contact made them both smile.
"Hmm," Gloria clicked her tongue. "I'm not really sure. School is almost out and his grades were poor all year, but it shows he's trying at least. His teachers should take that into consideration."
"Vasily told me he's good at sports," Red said.
"Yeah, he is," Gloria smiled. "He's a good runner, which I suppose has come in handy a few times when he needed to make a quick escape before he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. But he's also a good basketball player."
"What about you?" Red asked curiously. "Were you good at sports?"
"Mmm…" Gloria shrugged. "I did a little dancing, nothing fancy. What about you?"
"No," Red shook her head. "I don't think I have an athletic bone in my body."
"Well, that doesn't surprise me," Gloria smirked.
"What?" Red exclaimed.
"Well…." Gloria laughed, brushing her hand against Red's elbow playfully. "You never struck me as exactly coordinated. I was sort of impressed when my boys told me that Vasily played Rugby. I was wondering where he got his skills…"
"I always wanted to do ballet when I was growing up," Red admitted, a flush burning her cheeks from Gloria's momentary touch. "It's very popular in Russia but my parents could have never afforded it. My oldest granddaughter does figure skating though, and maybe if Vasily and Lida have another child, and it's a girl she'll dance…"
"Grandchildren…" Gloria whistled. "It must be hard being away and missing that."
"No harder than you being separated from your children," Red replied. "But yes...at least I'll be home soon."
"God…" Gloria shook her head. "I couldn't imagine if my kids told me I was going to be a grandmother. Julio is only going to be a freshman next September...but that doesn't mean anything. I wasn't much older than him when I had my daughter."
"You don't talk much about them," Red said softly.
Gloria looked confused. "My kids?"
"Your girls," Red clarified.
"It's a complicated, long story," Gloria sighed.
"Well…" Red said slowly, tilting her head back to observe the clock on the wall. "We've got time."
Red wasn't being nosy. She just had a genuine desire to know and learn everything about Gloria. Each time they talked like this, which had been happening more and more lately, Red started to like her even more. Gloria was just such a rich and complicated person. She exuded an aura of mystery that kept Red constantly curious, but at the same time everything Gloria said was so sincere that Red felt like she already knew her heart.
"Yeah…" Gloria agreed. Also turning to glance over at the clock, she slid over on the counter at the same time so that the space between them was even more minimized. Now their legs were touching and Gloria leaned in closer, folding her hands neatly on her lap.
"Well, there's a lot I just don't like to talk about," Gloria sighed, looking down at her folded hands. "It's hard...but I-"
"Hey, Red!" Caputo's voice called suddenly.
Red and Gloria both jumped in alarm. As Caputo came around the corner, both women slid off of the counter and took a step to create some distance between them.
"Afternoon, ladies," Caputo said warmly to them both.
"Healy, asked me to tell you he needs to see you in his office," he said, turning his focus onto Red.
"Oh?" Red said. Gloria noticed the way the flush that had been so prominent in Red's cheeks suddenly seemed to drain from her pale skin. This puzzled Gloria, since she'd always been under the assumption that Red enjoyed Healy's company quite a bit.
"Yeah," Caputo nodded. "But before you do that, I was wondering if one of you ladies might be able to please make me something to eat. I forgot my lunch at home."
"I'd love to," Red replied, crossing her arms as she leaned her back against the countertop. "Unfortunately, you got rid of all the good food so that you could feed us like animals."
"Come on," Caputo sighed. "You know that's not all on me. But besides that, you do have fixings to make me a simple sandwich, don't you?"
"I can make you a PB and J," Gloria told him, before Red could speak. "But that's about all. And we're rationed, so the sandwich will be light on the peanut butter and jelly…"
"I'll take it," Caputo replied. "Thank you, Mendoza."
"Well, I'll get going then," Red said quietly, giving Gloria a final look before turning to head to Healy's.
On her way out, she met Nicky but didn't pause to give her anything more than a brief hello. Shrugging at Red's urgency, Nicky lingered outside the kitchen until Caputo had been served and exited, sandwich in hand. Nicky entered the kitchen swiftly and took advantage of Gloria's distraction with putting the bread and condiments away to investigate, Nicky's thickly lined eyes glanced around the room taking in the cards on the countertop and the small serving of sliced carrots and cucumber from the garden.
"Looks like you and my mother were enjoying a pretty relaxing afternoon in here," Nicky commented, walking over to snag a carrot stick from the bowl.
"Until we were interrupted," Gloria replied, brushing her hands on her apron as she walked over to join her. "It's hard enough to find five minutes of peace around this place."
"To be fair, I think you two got more than five minutes," Nicky replied, biting off a large bite of carrot with a loud crunch. "Although I can understand how the time could just fly by. Where was she headed to in such a hurry?"
"Healy wanted to see her," Gloria replied stiffly.
"Hmm..." Nicky raised her eyebrows. "Interesting...Well, don't worry. In that case, I know she won't be gone long. She already told me that Healy is not her type."
"What are you keeping tabs on us now?" Gloria asked.
"Well…" Nicky shrugged. "Lunch is done being served, all the rest of the kitchen staff is out enjoying their afternoon, but you two decided to stay cooped up in here all alone on a gorgeous day. I thought Red was going to come hang with me outside…"
"Sometimes mommies need a break," Gloria replied, the corners of her mouth tugging slightly in amusement.
"Yeah, well, she could have at least offered me some of the garden food," Nicky complained. "Lunch was terrible and I'm starving."
"I used to have to lock the bathroom door just to eat a snack in peace, but my kids would just get on the ground and stick their little fingers under the door to talk to me," Gloria replied, looking unmoved by Nicky's dramatics. "Turns out it's not much different in here with you girls, we just have to get better at hiding apparently."
"Well, I don't see why you get to have all the good stuff," Nicky grumbled. "You didn't help with the garden. I at least watered it for her a couple times."
"Maybe she likes me more," Gloria teased.
"That's not funny," Nicky replied, her face clouding over in a frown. "Although, I can't decide whether to be glad or annoyed that she apparently took my advice after basically yelling at me for giving it in the first place."
"What advice?" asked Gloria suspiciously.
"No way," Nicky shook her head, chuckling as her wild curls bounced side to side. "I'm too young to die."
"You can have a slice of cucumber," Gloria bribed, holding out the bowl she and Red had been snacking from together.
"Hmm…" Nicky considered, reaching in to pull out a generous handful of sliced cucumber before Gloria could stop her. "Do you have any salt?"
"You can get it yourself," Gloria replied. "Although, I think Red would be offended to know that you don't think her produce is flavourful enough without it."
"She'll survive," Nicky replied smoothly, "I already told you she's annoyed with me anyway."
She made towards the pantry shelf that used to hold a lot of appetizing foods, spices, and occasional treats. Now it was pretty scarce. Most of its contents had been replaced by the boxes of slop stacked in the walk-in fridge. Still, a box of salt stood on a high shelf. Nicky sprinkled a dash onto the juicy cucumber and took a bite. Fresh food was luxurious around this place now and a little bit of seasoning had made it the most delicious thing Nicky had eaten all week.
"So, what did you do?" Gloria asked, walking over to join her. "Ordinarily she let's you get away with anything, and for some reason that escapes me she seems to find that big mouth of yours sort of endearing."
"Yeah, well, you know that she has the tendency to overreact sometimes when it comes to certain topics," Nicky replied casually, after she swallowed another bite of cucumber.
"Like the food?" Gloria suggested, with a roll of her eyes.
"Yeah, and her love life too," Nicky added with a smirk. "I can sort of understand...she hasn't had much experience when it comes to that and she's been alone for a long time-"
"That's what happens when you go to prison," Gloria replied. "Why are you suddenly so concerned about her love life?
"Come on," Nicky goaded. "Don't act like you don't know."
"Is this because Dmitri died?" Gloria frowned. "Because you just told me Red said that Healy wasn't her type."
"He isn't," Nicky confirmed, with a twinkle in her eyes. "How fortunate for you."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Gloria.
"Surely you've picked up on it by now," Nicky exclaimed. "I mean, subtlety has never exactly been one of Ma's strengths."
"I'm starting to understand why she didn't offer you any vegetables," Gloria replied, crossing her arms over her chest. At the same time, a flush had risen in her body making her feel both warm and electrified. Of course, there'd been signs, and there was no denying that her relationship with Galina Reznikov had changed dramatically. That was bound to happen now that they'd begun working is such close confines, having their sons share rides to visit them, and started talking about things much more significant than what was on the menu for the day. She didn't want to give anything away, but it was a struggle to resist the urge to smile as Nicky basically confirmed what she'd been worried might only been her imagination working overtime.
"So, you've just been nosing around in her business when she didn't invite you?" Gloria asked, sounding harsher than she'd intended. However, she suddenly felt a surge of protection for Red who, despite being a woman who rarely held back what she was feeling, had been exceedingly subtler about this. Gloria didn't want to put Red in an uncomfortable position if what Nicky was suggesting actually turned out to be true.
"What did she say?" Gloria asked, in a much gentler tone.
She wouldn't want Red to know that she was trying to score information from her observant prison daughter, but the desire to figure out more about what Red was thinking won out. Lately, Gloria had gotten to experience an entirely different side to Red, whom she'd once dismissed as a formidable ice queen who liked being in charge just a little too much. Now, Gloria had started to see how considerate and loving she truly was. Deep down, she was probably softer than Gloria could be. And although both had undoubtedly been strict mothers, it was obvious that nothing mattered more to both women than their children. That was a link that couldn't be underestimated.
"Is this an invitation?" Nicky smiled. "Does this mean you like her?"
"She's become a good friend," Gloria shrugged. "There are things I can talk to her about that Aleida or the other women just don't understand quite the same way."
"Okay, well that's a start," Nicky nodded. "I've noticed she's gotten pretty good at getting you to smile, and I don't think it's just because your sons have been able to visit more. So, you got to admit that's a pretty remarkable accomplishment."
"There's usually not much to smile about around here," Gloria replied, taking a deep breath and moistening her lips. She didn't want to give Nicky too much to run with, but she was suddenly in no hurry to end this conversation. Nicky was probably the person Red was closest to, so if anyone could give Gloria insight, it was her.
"Exactly!" Nicky exclaimed. "And I can tell you two make each other happy, so I don't see why you'd want to fight that. I know she has feelings for you and I know you have feelings for her."
"Who said I have feelings for her?" Gloria demanded.
"I know you do," Nicky replied confidently.
"You don't know anything," Gloria argued.
"Yes, I do," Nicky smirked.
"You just think you do," Gloria replied.
"Okay, then," Nicky said. "Tell me that you don't and I'll drop it right now."
Gloria cleared her throat and rolled her eyes, but couldn't do what Nicky had requested. She didn't feel ready to admit to feelings that she hadn't even fully explored or discussed with the person in question, but Gloria knew herself well enough to know that she couldn't deny their existence. They were there, and they were real. What she was going to do with them still remained to be seen.
"Red told me she had feelings for you," Nicky said, a note of triumph in her tone.
"Really?" Gloria raised her eyebrows. "Because it sounds to me like Red basically told you to go away and mind your business when you started trying to play matchmaker for us."
"She did," Nicky admitted. "But that's only because she's stubborn."
"You're awfully sure of yourself," Gloria observed, feeling both amused and exasperated. "What's wrong with being friends?"
"Nothing," Nicky replied, "but there's nothing wrong with being more than friends."
"Well, I can't dispute that," Gloria said slowly.
"There's also nothing wrong with intimacy...if it's something you both wanted," Nicky suggested carefully.
Gloria's heart was fluttering madly in her chest as her cheeks pinkened slightly. She wasn't inexperienced when it came to intimacy with another person, although none of her past partners had ever been a woman either. It wasn't something that she was opposed to, she had just never considered it before. However, after several disastrous relationships behind her Gloria had resolved to remain single forever unless she found someone that was exactly good for her. It was never going to be about not wanting to be alone again. The gender of the person mattered far less to Gloria than the type of heart they had. And she already knew that Red had a good one.
"She's just as nervous as you," Nicky assured her. "She's never considered a relationship like this before and if she hadn't met you, I don't think she ever would have. But it's obvious to me that she finds you pretty special."
Gloria couldn't keep the smile off of her face for another moment. Nicky had just validated what she'd been feeling and there was no doubting that Red had become the bright spot in an otherwise rather bleak existence. Whether it would matter long-term or ever go any deeper than the connection they'd begun to forge, Gloria decided it didn't matter. Something that made their lives both a little better, even just while they were locked in here together, was a very good thing. It was something she wanted to pursue, and knowing that Red felt the same way filled Gloria with tremendous hope.
XXX
"Thanks for coming to see me," Healy said calmly, once Red had entered his office and he'd ushered her into the seat in front of his desk. Healy closed the door tightly behind them and as Red glanced over her shoulder at him, their eyes met in a look of deepest significance. Although the old friends were very comfortable in one another's company, the air between them had seemed heavy lately with a lot of unspoken things.
It was a continual blow to Healy's ego that despite being employed as a counsellor, he was rarely successful at getting the women in his care to trust and confide in him. They didn't seek his advice and when they just wanted a listening ear they were far more likely to open up to another inmate they were close to, than to him. Yet, Galina Reznikov had always been different.
Early on, after their initial encounter, she had always seemed to enjoy his company in a way no other inmate, or even woman in general, ever had. Healy was supposed to take care of her, but their relationship had always felt closer to that of equals, in that he sought out her advice and opinion far more than she ever reached out for his. Healy had always enjoyed the breadcrumbs of little stories and anecdotes about her sons that the usually reserved and private woman had given him over the years. However, Red had always been less inclined to share her pain with him. There was a lot they had still never really talked about.
"You told me to," Red replied, straightening nervously in her chair. "I didn't realize that I had a choice."
She was usually so comfortable in the man's presence. Her friend and confidant whom she'd always regarded as a good person. Yet, Nicky had taken things way too far the other day and Red was still embarrassed about it. She hoped Healy knew enough to realize that talking too much about whatever inappropriate fancy crossed her mind was just what Nicky did. The girl's words weren't always to be taken seriously. However, the atmosphere in the office right now was very disconcerting.
"I didn't mean to disturb you if you were busy," Healy said quietly. With a stony frown crossing his face, he walked around the desk and sat down in his own chair across from her.
"Were you in the middle of something?" he asked bluntly, folding his hands together as he regarded her carefully.
"No," Red said, just a little bit too quickly to sound genuine. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and sucked in her breath. The look Healy was currently giving her was making her skin crawl.
"You sure?" Healy asked,
"What are you on about?" Red asked, her voice slightly breathless from agitation.
Then she caught herself and, squaring her shoulders, straightened her spine, and raised her chin to give the illusion of calm composure. Healy might be her friend, but right now this was giving off vibes of an interrogation where anything she said could be used against her. It was obvious, since Healy had asked Caputo to fetch her from the kitchen when neither she nor Gloria were expected to be working at that time of day, that he knew they had chosen to hang back just to get some time alone together.
A flush she hoped was not detectable from across the desk scorched her cheeks. Was that what she had been doing? She'd certainly not been so busy to justify remaining in the kitchen during a break when she could have been tending her garden or visiting with Norma. However, Gloria's company had been enjoyable and had she not been called in to see Healy, Red didn't know how long she would have stayed chatting with the other woman. Her new interest in the woman she had formerly claimed to despise could not have gone unnoticed. Nicky had made it quite clear the other day just how unsubtle she considered Red to be.
"Galina, I'm just worried about you," Healy replied, squeezing his clenched hands together tightly.
"About me?" Red repeated, raising her eyebrows in practiced surprise. "Why on earth?"
"Well, for starters you've been through a lot recently," Healy replied, gazing at her incredulously. Red shifted slightly in her chair and exhaled loudly in obvious exasperation. "And it was pretty clear to me that what Nichols' was saying upset you yesterday."
"Nicky?" Red exclaimed, looking back at him and shaking her head rapidly. "Sam, this is really unnecessary...she's a child. She says things to poke at me like every other daughter in the entire world does to her mother on occasion. It doesn't mean anything."
Healy just stared back at her in disbelief. Despite what Red said, she knew nobody besides herself really would consider Nicky a child. She wasn't. But she was Red's child, and all that Red wanted to happen now was to Healy forget that the entire exchange between them all had ever happened. It was Healy's presence, that had made Red so infuriated at Nicky for her unfiltered observations and teasing. Try as she might, Red still cared very strongly about what other people thought of her. She didn't want rumours circulating, started by her own daughter nonetheless, that would open her to ridicule in the prison or have Healy or Gloria think less of her. She wanted it forgotten, but now Healy had called her in to discuss specifically that.
"So, you're saying that there was absolutely no grain of truth in her comments about you and Mendoza?" Healy asked bluntly, looking as though he didn't believe it for a minute. "She was just making things up to try and be funny?"
Red brushed her hair back out of her eyes and sighed. She could feel the comings on of a migraine, wrapping around her skull like a cap and suddenly had a very strong urge to find Nicky and give her a good smack. She'd let her off far too easily outside yesterday at the garden. Even if Nicky had honestly believed that Red needed her advice.
Healy appeared to take Red's silence as an admittance of guilt. He leaned back in his chair with his lips compressed tightly as he regarded her heavily for a moment. "I can make the arrangements to have Mendoza transferred out of the kitchen," he said heavily. "You're in separate dorms, you'll hardly ever have to see her."
Red shook her head in rebuttal immediately as her heart rate accelerated rapidly. She didn't know what she felt or what she wanted, but she knew being kept apart from Gloria was the opposite of that. Not to mention that it was embarrassing. As though they were two school children incapable of concentrating or behaving appropriately unless they were separated. Red felt shamed and ridiculed for things that she hadn't even made up her own mind about yet.
"That's completely unnecessary, Sam," Red whispered. "Gloria and I work well together, we get along, and have become friends. You're searching for things that just aren't there on the basis of Nicky's statements when she was really just bothered by she and I not spending enough time together lately."
"I'm not implying you've done anything wrong, Galina," Healy replied. "I'm just trying to prevent you from making a mistake that you'll seriously regret.
He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath, while Red looked back over at him and blinked in confusion. "You and your sons have just suffered a devastating loss," Healy said heavily. "And instead of being home with them you're locked in here, by yourself, just trying to make sense of everything. I understand that you're lonely, but crossing those lines with Mendoza is just going to harm you, no matter how desirable Nichols tries to make that behaviour appear to you."
Healy took a panting breath of relief having said what he needed to say, while Red recoiled in her seat looking completely mortified. Her pale white cheeks were burned brightly and her hands had balled into tightly clenched fists. Healy was worried he might have gone too far but he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he hadn't tried to reign her in and caution her about the dangerous route he felt she was about to take.
He didn't approve of any of that nonsense. It was common knowledge around camp that he strongly abhorred lesbian relations of any kind. He considered it unnatural and plain sinful, something he had seen several straight women be coerced into during their stay in the prison. Healy had just never expected to be worried about Galina Reznikov falling into the same category.
"Are your sons still coming to visit next week?"
The question came so out of nowhere after the weight of what he'd already said, that it took Red several seconds before she ever registered it.
"What?" Red asked, her brow wrinkling in perplexity. Healy had lectured and humiliated her, and now he wanted to talk about her sons. It didn't make sense to her.
"I'm just happy that you've been able to see so much of them," Healy said gently. "You and Dmitri might not have had a perfect marriage, but you did do your best to raise them in a proper traditional household. I know you and they have a lot to work through, but that's not something you should just wait until you go home to start. Make no mistake, what you do in here will impact them and who you'll be when you get your life back."
Red swallowed a large lump in her throat as the full impact of Healy's words hit her. She would be going home soon. That's what she'd told her sons at the infamous Mother's Day visit...the last time she had seen Dmitri. She wanted to be looking forward and thinking about the things that truly mattered, of which her family was certainly of the highest order. Yet, Healy was correct that the person she was now and the people she surrounded herself with would influence that and how much her sons were willing to accept.
Nicky would be fine. Red loved her and with each visitation that Nicky joined her on, things were becoming more natural and comfortable between herself and Red's three sons. But Gloria-Red felt alarmed at the thought of how she could even begin to explain Gloria to her family. Calling her a friend just suddenly didn't seem to feel like a strong enough word but no others, in English or in Russian, seemed appropriate either.
Red liked the person Gloria was, she enjoyed her company, and honestly considered her to be one of the most beautiful people she had ever seen. Did that translate to an affection beyond friendship? Red still couldn't decide and she was reluctant to figure out the answer. All she knew was that she had never been inclined to admire the natural thickness of Norma or Frieda's eyelashes, or study the cute point of another person's ears and need to refrain from saying how much she liked them. Yet, with Gloria, she had.
Healy's cautionary words had not blocked the thoughts he wanted her to avoid. Like a forbidden fruit, he'd forced the picture of Gloria to the forefront of Red's mind and that realization was panicking her. Healy had said enough to make Red know she didn't want to think or feel that way. She was relieved she hadn't done something stupid, something that would make her question everything she had always known about herself.
She had been a wife to a man, in a traditional marriage that had produced three beautiful children; and soon, she'd be going home to resume her place as their mother with the added joy of new grandchildren. The risk of falling for a woman could never be worth the risk of sacrificing that, and Red just couldn't see how both respects could ever be compatible together. She'd already asked her sons to accept far too much.
"Since we met, you and I, we've always known what the other one needed," Red said slowly. She moistened her painted lips with her tongue and then sighed. "You scratched my back, I scratched yours, and along the way I became convinced that you really care. Not because you feel you're supposed to, but because you want to."
"That's because I do," Healy replied. "I care about you very much. I don't even know them, but I care about your family and the girls in here you took under your wing because they mean so much to you. I've always tried to do what is in your best interest, even when it isn't always easy."
"It's never easy," Red corrected with the merest flicker of a smile. "I'm far more trouble than I'm worth. My husband would have told you that…"
The title for Dmitri slipped so naturally off her tongue and Red rolled her eyes when she caught it.
"Ex-husband," she corrected herself. "It was finalized before he died. I'll admit I was probably pretty...drastic. Once I decided to file I just ran with it. I don't regret it for myself, but I do regret it for my sons. It would have been nice to give them something from the past that didn't change to hang on to."
"Even if he had lived and you'd remained married, it would have been different," Healy reminded her. "Visitations here couldn't possibly prepare you for how he's changed, and you've changed too."
"I wouldn't even recognize my pre-incarcerated self," Red admitted with a scoff. "So worried, and stupid, and…. innocent." She swallowed nervously.
"I was a good person, Sam," she said sadly. "And I was a good mother too."
"And you still are those things," Healy replied. "I have no doubt. And that's what you need to concentrate on. You have a future to think about and a family to return to."
"And I don't even know what I'm going to do with that," Red confessed, a shine to her eyes as she looked at him imploringly. "I have nothing of my own anymore. Only my sons to depend on, and that's not fair to them…"
"You're going to-"
"I have no job, no home…" Red stammered on, images of the store and apartment Dmitri had driven to ruin replacing the picture of Gloria in her head. Suddenly she was filled with a panic of what little control she had of anything. She was beginning to even lose control of her own impulses, slipping into fantasies of desires that couldn't be sincere if they hadn't emerged before in her sixty years of living.
"No, partner," She added sadly.
Her feelings for Gloria had to be a mental mode of escapism from the disaster that was her life. In time, Red figured she would learn how to shut off the want for someone that she could never have. She looked into Healy's eyes with helplessness in her own, and saw the strength, compassion, and friendship she'd come to depend on all these years. He'd helped her to survive. She was grateful for him and all the wonderful attributes she had learned about him along the way. Most people never saw past the issues and the trauma that had marked him, but Red knew better. Just like Healy had always taken the time to see the best in her. She was much more than just the crime that had got her sent here in the first place.
"And... I won't have you."
Her confession was released from her burdened chest without Red even really recognizing what she had let go. With a sudden race of urgency, she stood up abruptly, crossing her arms together and feeling both safe and unguarded. She rarely made herself as transparent and open as she currently was, even with Healy whom she'd always trusted. She'd been blessed to find him. He had looked out for her arguably much better than Dmitri ever had, and the thought of losing his support and companionship was something that greatly saddened her.
"I'm never going to go anywhere," Healy told her, looking astonished by her uncharacteristic vulnerability. He also got to his feet and walked around the desk to stand directly beside her. Both of their backs to the small sofa he had against the wall.
While Red's arms remained crossed and her body language shut off, Healy reached up and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder because it just felt natural. Slowly, he stroked his thumb soothingly over the fabric of her white jacket, watching her eyes carefully as she turned to study his movement.
"Not if you didn't want me too," Healy fumbled awkwardly. He didn't know what was happening or what the right things were to say. He had expected Red to storm from his office in a rage from hell after he dared to question her. Instead, she was opening up and inviting him in to the perils and anxieties of her current life and its future course.
"I don't know what I want," Red admitted.
"Well, that's okay too," Healy replied, as he kept his hand upon her shoulder.
"Mhmm," Red nodded. She wouldn't meet his eyes, but her tightly crossed arms unclenched and she slowly moved her hand up until it rested directly on top of his. She squeezed his knuckles affectionately.
"I'm trying to decide if this is more awkward than the time I told you I was filing for divorce and you exploded at me about your mail-order bride sleeping in her mother's room," Red chuckled, a true smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "I'm not entirely sure, but I think this might be worse."
"Well, try not to draw extra attention to it," Healy teased, echoing the advice she had given him the last time. She caught the jest. Smirking as their touching hands suddenly deepened in closeness as their fingers intertwined.
"I'll try," Red murmured. Squeezing his hand again, she tugged it away from her shoulder and encased it between both of hers. His hand was large and warm, with hairs across the knuckles that tickled the palm of her top hand.
"You're going to be alright," Healy reminded her. His hand twitched excitedly between her tightly clasped ones. They had never been quite this close and it was so nice now that they were. They'd been a lot of things to one another over the years and it was a wonder to be validated. While never hesitating to point out his flaws, Galina Reznikov had somehow always managed to give him the jolt of confidence he'd never received from anyone else in his life.
"I know that," Red replied, tracing the line of vein she could feel on the back of his hand. "I've always managed, even when it seemed impossible. It's just that sometimes you get tired of always having to push so hard to get less than what everyone else has."
"It's going to get better," Healy replied assuredly. With his free hand, he gripped at the crook of her elbow and then guided her to sit back on the couch that was behind them. He hadn't done anything to pull her closer to him, but as she sat down Red purposely wriggled over so that she was leaning more into him than the back of his couch. His hand she was still holding, was placed warmly in her lap.
Red clearly had no intention of moving away from him yet and it felt so right that Healy ignored the counsellor within telling him this was crossing lines. It seemed too natural to be wrong. Almost as comfortable as if they were a couple settling together in front of the television at the end of a taxing day. Healy didn't want to read too much into it, but couldn't help himself when in another instant Red had leaned further back against his chest, and pulled his hand over so that his arm was wrapped tightly around her.
"You're a good man, Sam," Red told him sincerely, tilting her head back to look up at him. He could read something more, hidden in the back of her sparkling blue eyes but before he could wonder, Red had done what he'd least expected.
All professional lines of boundary were suddenly crossed as Red's lips brushed against his own. They were plump and smooth, twitching against his thinner lips in a warmth and affection he couldn't help but respond to. He kissed her back, their lips parting as it deepened. Healy could feel her tongue teasing against his, forceful and strong with desire as though she'd been thinking about this for a long time. Wanting all of him and suddenly Healy was ashamed for even suggesting she could be feeling attraction for another woman. He'd known she wasn't really like that and the passion she was exhibiting now proved it. And Healy knew that he loved her.
Red kept her eyes closed as she moved her lips with his, leaning deeply in with an aggression she had hoped would inspire a passion that just couldn't be felt. It had been so long that just the simplest touch of a man should unleash in her an excitement, but it didn't. Red felt warmth and an affection for a good person she held in high regard, but the kissing was mechanical and her mind was drifting.
Aside from the simplistic amazement that came from kissing someone after so many years alone, Red realized at once she'd radiated more excitement simply from standing beside Gloria. She invoked more passion and enticement from Red with a simple look than kissing Sam Healy or going to bed with her husband could have radiated combined.
What Red was doing right now was nice and a pleasant experience. It wasn't something she'd have regretted, if only for the nagging guilt that she was giving the wrong idea to a man she cared about. Her actions were suggestive to Healy that this could be something she now was forced to realize didn't work for her and never really had. As she'd done in her marriage, she could have gotten through it and found little ways to enjoy it if she'd been so inclined, but Red would rather never experience a level of romantic intimacy with a person ever again if it needed to be manipulated and forced. As she broke away, ending their kiss, Red couldn't resist wondering to herself what it would have felt like to be this way with Gloria.