"Captain's log: currently traveling through uncharted space. Our present whereabouts are unknown due to a malfunctioning navigational system. While we work on repairs I've put us all on a level blue alert due to our vulnerable position."
"Co-captain's log: the crew's spirits were flagging, but I was able to rally them. Despite our present situation their morale is once again quite sky-high. Many have reported that they're feeling very lucky to have such a talented and amazing leader leading them through these trying times."
"Captain's log: Co-captain appears to have forgotten the schedule. Wednesdays are my days to update the captain's lag. She should know that by now."
"Co-captain's log: my co-captain needs to be reminded not to call himself 'captain' like he's the only one in charge. Who does he think he is, anyway? Besides, I'm doing most of the work around here."
"Captain's log: I have reports that my co-captions is overestimating her importance yet again. Crew is starting to complain about the dangerous levels of bragging."
"Co-captain's log: I ran another diagnostics check on the ship systems. It turns out we're lost because my co-captain is being such a huge butthead that it's messing with everything."
"Captain's log: note to self, take co-captain's log privileges away."
"Co-captain's log: demote co-captain to junior baby captain."
The twins burst finally out laughing almost in perfect unison, just like they always eventually ended up doing whenever they played "lost space captains." It was a long-running inside joke that they had created on a small road trip their senior year of high school, and now it was their go-to bit whenever they had no idea where they were. It always took away a good chunk of the stress of trying to figure out where they had ended up. And frankly they needed all the help that they could get at the moment. They knew they were somewhere deep in the backwoods of the Florida panhandle, but beyond that they had no clue.
"What's the status on the ship's computer, Co-Captain Bro-Bro?" Mabel playfully asked from across the table.
"Can't find anything online…." Dipper looked through a map on his laptop. "Really would have helped if we passed any kind of sign in the last half hour. Hold on, let me try something again…."
He turned on their portable GPS and punched in the town they had originally planned on traveling to. A perky robotic voice immediately commanded, "Turn left now!"
Dipper looked out the window, gazed upon at all the large swampy marsh next to the dirt road and turned the device right off. "Aaaaand this is still no help at all. You got any idea yet?'
"I thiiiink…..we're….." She took a good long hard look at her paper road map, produced a purple marker and circled an extremely large area. "Somewhere in here."
"Well, that's something at least." Dipper hopefully conceded.
"Oooh, wait! Or maybe….I think we're in here?" Mabel pointed to a different part of the map which was also heavily covered in the swampland legend. "Orrrr….maybe we're near here. We did pass a kind of lake-y thing like this back by the….wait, but maybe we're…..blaaaarrrggh!"
She threw the map up in the air, flopped down on the seat across from him and blew on her tongue. "Nevermind. Mabel's got thhhbbbbt!"
"It's okay. I'm honestly getting the feeling that no one ever bothered to put this road on any map anyway." Dipper theorized.
"Maybe we should just turn around then?" She suggested.
"I don't know." Her brother said reluctantly. "I mean, we drove like an hour and a half down this way. You really just want to go back and start all over?"
"Well we gotta get some kind of game plan going. We can't just stick around here." She wrinkled her nose. "There's swamp everywhere, and it smells like the worst."
"Really? I don't think it's that bad." Dipper began checking another online map.
"Are you kidding me?" His twin was incredulous. "This whole part of the state's been stinking like poop covered in barf!"
"Ehhh, I'd call it more of just a weird wet smell than anything." He opined.
"What? How can you actually be okay with it? It's seriously like….." Mabel took a good long look at her brother and suddenly grew very suspect. She promptly learned over across the table while he watched her bemusedly.
"Uh...Mabel?"
"WHOOOF!" She took one whiff, jerked back and pointed an accusatory finger at him. "You!"
"What? What?" He asked.
"It's not the swamp! It's your shirt! THAT'S what's been smelling like barf-poop!"
Dipper took a sniff for himself, and unsurprisingly he didn't see any problem. "Oh c'mon. It's not that bad."
"Yeah, only because you're used to wearing the same stinky clothes over and over."
"Mabel, it's fine."
"What? No, it's not! It's not at all! This is one billion percent not-fine!"
"But-"
"Change! Now!"
"I-"
"Now!" She closed his laptop up and ordered him with a forcefulness that was a little unusual even for her.
"Fine! Fine! Jeez!" The grumbling young man headed to the back of the vehicle. Mabel dug out some air fresher and began to spritz vigorously.
"When was the last time you washed your clothes, anyway?" She checked.
"I washed them just…." He tried to answer, but rapidly trailed off into a tell-all pause as he struggled to remember. His sister shuddered and squealed.
"Ewww!"
"Sorry! Look, I've been busy!" He tried to justify himself with his ancient excuse. "There's reports to write up for Ford, research to do for the itinerary, plus I still have to-"
"Meow meow meow meow meow meow!" She flapped her hand and rolled her eyes. "You're ALWAYS too busy to not be gross!"
"I'll get to it later, okay?" He said reappeared in a new shirt. Mabel did a full-body jolt as a new and even fouler pong flooded her nose.
"EW! Ew, ew, ewww! DIPPERRRRR!" She did a little repulsed dance.
"What? Are you okay?" Always the dutiful brother, Dipper instinctively headed to her side to see what the matter was. That however was literally the very last thing that she wanted. Mabel leapt right back like her feet were made of springs.
"Nooo!" She pulled her sweater up over her nose. "That shirt smells even worse than the other one!"
"What?" Dipper took a whiff, and yet again he didn't see what the fuss was about. "It doesn't-"
"CHANGE IT!"
Groaning, the young man turned around to go try again. Mabel resumed freshening the air with an irritated huff. The matchmaker was already feeling a little frustrated that things currently weren't going as smoothly a she had wanted. After nearly getting chomped in the neck by a blood-hungry cow-pire, she had finally learned that going all gung-ho and constantly trying to force alone-time upon her friend and twin whenever possible at all costs was….not the most effective tactic in the world, to put it one way. Experience had made it pretty clear that while it gave the dork and the lumberjill some extra bonding time here and there, it also left their gang a little too vulnerable. So now Mabel was in the middle of trying to figure out a strategy overhaul, and had actually been up half the night before brainstorming quietly in bed.
In the meantime though, her brother could try his best to make sure he was at least somewhat tolerable to live in close proximity with. It was literally the very least that he could do.
"C'mon, you an at least try to put in some effort here!" She ranted at him. "You want to blow it with Wendy?"
"Huh?" Dipper grunted. "What'd you say?"
"You didn't let me finish!" She caught herself and tossed out one of her ready-made excuses. "You want to blow it with Wendy….and….and me and...our good time? Yeah! You could ruin this whole amazing trip if she and I have the spend the rest of it being grossed out! You've got two travel buddies to think of, mister! This is no time to get totally Dip-gusting on us!"
The door opened, and their redheaded friend returned from her reconnaissance.
"Back!" Wendy gasped. "Sorry. I had to go down the road a little to find a tree tall enough to let me see around."
"What'd you find?" Dipper called from the vehicle's sole bedroom. She paused first to drink half her water bottle down in one thirsty go.
"Not much. It was seriously just more road going off into total nowhere."
"Did you see anything at all? A road sign up ahead? Gas station? Any kind of landmark?" He checked. "Anything?"
"Nope, just a whole lot of nothing." She shook her head. "Hey, what are you doing back there?"
"He's changing out of his shirt." Mabel answered for her twin, and then raised her voice, "And into a cleaner one!"
"I know! I know!"
"Y'know, that's not a bad idea." Wendy noted with a snicker. The deep south was definitely no Pacific northwest, and she was seriously feeling the difference. Her tank top clung to her so wetly that she didn't even want to bother struggling to try and peel it off. But at least she could swap out of her half-damp green flannel and make herself slightly more comfortable.
Dipper reemerged just as she slid it off. The young man halted smack dead in his tracks as his eyes were instantly drawn to her like a magnet. He had seen the lumberjill work up a good sweat plenty of times over the years, of course. But even still, he couldn't help but stop to gawk. Her fair freckled skin almost seemed to glow a little from the sunlight streaming in through the windows. It was….something, to say the least. Then again, that was Wendy Corduroy. It was no surprise that she could even make changing shirts something amazing. She was just that kind of person.
He thankfully snapped back to the present and tore his gaze away before either of the girls could notice. That was definitely an interesting trail of thought that he had just wandered down. Maybe it was this heat. Yes, that sounded right. It was just the rough weather making him a little weird.
"So uh, didn't see anything, huh?" He mumbled lamely, making sure to keep his gaze averted as she sauntered by.
"Not one flippin' thing." She popped in and quickly returned wearing a fresh red flannel shirt. "And I thought that Gravity Falls was out in the middle of nowhere. If finding our way around here is this hard, then it's gonna suck pretty royally when we actually try and start looking for….who is it that's supposed to live around here again? A mayoko ape?"
"Myakka ape." Dipper corrected..
"Weird. What kind of a name is that?" Wendy wondered as she unlaced and tugged off her boots.
"Dunno. I actually only skimmed Ford's write up this morning because-"
"Ah-HA! What happened to all that 'research,' Mister Too Busy To Wash My-" Mabel didn't get to bask in victory for long. She was quickly forced to hide her nose back under the neck of her sweater. "UUGGH! Wendyyyyy!"
"What? What?" Asked the redhead.
"Your boots!" Mabel shuddered. She couldn't believe she actually forgot how bad they could stink when their full force was unleashed.
The redhead looked at her stinking footwear and merely laughed. "Yeah, sorry. I'm kinda sweating like a beast here. It's crazy muggy outside."
Mabel gagged."Uuuggghhh, it's like a nightmare inside my nose!"
"Jeez, Mabes. Chill." Wendy made a face at the dramatic spectacle. "It's kinda hard to smell like roses in a place like this."
"And it's not even that bad." Dipper genuinely didn't seem to be very affected by the added stench.
"I know, right?" The redhead gratefully agreed.
"Nuh-uh! It's one of the worst things! You gotta go put them outside, or something! It's like a-" Mabel hurriedly opened the door to try and air out the vehicle. But only a moment later she was gagging again. "AUGH! It's only getting worse!"
"Mabel it's seriously not that-" Dipper suddenly felt a brutal assault on his nostrils. He hurriedly covered his face up. "Wendy, what'd you step in?"
"What? No, all I did was-" The horrific stench hit her like a freight train. "WHOA! Oh man, what reeks?"
"You do!" Mabel cried. "You both do! You two made a smell-baby!"
The air continued to grow thick with an aggressive stench. The hideous odor was like a combination of burning trash and rotting flesh with a splash of raw sewage, and it only continued to get stronger and stronger with every single passing moment. Everyone started to hack and gag violently. It was Dipper who finally realized that it wasn't coming from him or Wendy. It was a new smell coming from the outside. He closed the door back up again, and the putrid stink's intensity immediately lessened a little.
"Is….is that a skunk or something?" He wheezed.
"It's gotta be a whole army of them!" Mabel guessed with dismay.
"No way. I've been sprayed before. This can't-" Wendy tried to object before she gagged violently.
"Well w-what else can it be?"
The entire vehicle suddenly rocked, and they were sent sprawling over one another in a heap. They could hear a snuffly grunt outside, and the Lady Mabelton was pushed hard again. Even as she still struggled to breathe, Wendy gestured for silence as she picked herself up. She snuck a look out the nearest window just as a hairy hulk lurched by, growling throatily and stinking to the high lumberjill jerked back with a start.
"What is that-" The entire RV rocked hard under the force of another massive shove, sending everyone spilling over again.
"Myakka Ape!" Mabel realized with a yelp.
They heard a frustrated growl, and the vehicle suddenly began shaking violently back and forth. So the good news was that they no longer had to go trek out into the middle of wild swampland later on to see whether this beast was mere legend or not. Plus, it looked like they had found the source of their mystery stench. The bad news was that an agitated ape-monster was now trying to get into the vehicle. On top of that, they were currently dealing with a unpleasantly high risk of suffocation thanks to the monster's horrendous odor.
"What…..what's...this thingy's deal?" Mabel nauseously clutched at her churning stomach.
"Yeah, and why does it smell like death!" Wendy wiped her watering eyes.
"H-hold on!" Dipper stumbled his way to his laptop hurriedly opened the file on their attacker and hurriedly read out loud. "Okay, let's see what we got….Myakka Ape….a hominid cryptid that's been spotted in North Carolina, Arkansas, but mainly in Florida….first seen in Myakka River State Park…..sighting dates….sighting dates….sighting dates….physical descriptions….also more commonly known as the skunk ape because of the terrible smell it's reported to give off."
The young man pulled at his hair in frustration. "AUGH! Why would Ford leave that until the very end?!"
"Well, it's official, this stupid thing is real! Great, mission accomplished! So can we get rid of it already?!" Wendy demanded impatiently. Both the twins nodded furiously. The RV reverberated as the creature outside kept shaking it.
"Okay, let's-" Dipper dug out his magnet gun and opened the door just a crack before he was hit by a solid wall of stench. Fighting back the urge to throw up, he shut the door, reached to a cabinet and wrestled out a pack of earplugs ( in case anyone's snoring ever become a little too much to handle) The young man shoved two up his nose and immediately felt better. "Anyone else need some?"
"Nope, we're all set!" Mabel had retrieved both her grappling hook and a sheet of scratch and sniff stickers. She creatively stuck one right next to her nose, slapped one on Wendy's face and activated them both with a quick scratch each. Wendy gasped in relief as the artificial fruity smell \ helped lessen the sting of the horrible funk.
"Yeah, good to go here." She took out her axe and gave it a spin.
Once they were all prepped they charged out screaming like a pack of maniacs, all of them ready for a fight that didn't come at all. They didn't even get so much as an intimidating roar. The hulking, orangey-brown ape-monster took one look at them all, let out a yelp and retreated off the road and into the swampy woods. The surprised trio lowered their weapons.
"Huh. That was….easy." Noted a very, very confused Dipper.
"Hey, look!" Mabel pointed. A hairy visage peered out from behind a half-submerged log. The skunk ape stared at them with a mix of confusion and hurt stamped all over its face. They just gawked back wordlessly, unsure how to respond back.
"Um….sorry?" Dipper apologized. The creature just gazed back and whimpered.
"Hey, you were the one that attacked us!" Wendy irritably reminded. The big lug of a monster flinched and backed a few paces. But after it waited a few seconds, it took a cautious step towards them. The redhead rumbled out a growl that was much more animal than human, which didn't faze either of the twins; after all, Dipper was still eating mainly vegetarian these days, and Mabel was still taking overly long showers in the morning. The swamp-ape immediately retreated back a few yards. But despite the lumberjill's clear warning, it started cautiously moving edging its way back towards them. Little by little it moved, while keeping warily alert yet unmistakably hopeful at the same time.
Dipper curiously studied the creature's movements. "Guys? I…..don't think it wants to hurt us."
"So then what's happening now?" Wendy asked the twins.
"Looks like it wants something." Mabel observed.
"Yeah, it does. Hold on." Dipper fished through his pockets until he found the granola bar he'd be saving for later. He unwrapped it and tossed it towards the cryptid. The skunk-ape stopped, sniffed it, then left completely it alone as he continued to slowly inch towards them.
"It doesn't want food…..doesn't want to mess with us…." He mumbled. All three of them kept a tight grip on their weapons as they all puzzled together. Mabel was wracking her brain especially hard. She had noticed that there was something oddly familiar about the look on the beast's face. She was one hundred percent positive of it, she just couldn't remember specifically where she had seen it before. Meanwhile the stinking hominid had come to a full stop, and now beast and humans cautiously eyed one another over a short distance.
"Oh!" She snapped her fingers. Suddenly it was so obvious. Without delay she knelt down and began patting her legs, as if calling for a shy puppy. "It's okay, you're fine! C'mon!"
The skunk ape case a suspicious gaze over them all. But Mabel kept up with the sunny encouragement. "It's okay! You can come over! C'mere!"
"Um...Mabel?" Dipper asked.
"Just trust me on this!" She said with a confident grin. The skunk-ape resumed carefully making its way towards them, stopping every now and then to make sure it wasn't on the verge of being ambushed. While it continued its slow progress, Mabel zipped into the Lady Mabelton. When she returned she had two extra scented stickers positioned around her nose and was holding of her brother's shirts and one of her friend's boots, both held out at arm's length away from her.
"Ooohhh, no." Dipper exclaimed with dismay when he finally caught on. Wendy was the last to figure out what was happening, and she almost immediately erupted with a laugh.
"No way."
Mabel presented the less-than-fragrant items to the curious monster. "Sorry! There's no other ape-y thingies hanging out in there with us, only a bunch of super stinky stuff! See?"
Everyone could clearly see the realization dawn on the creature as it took a couple sniffs. Mabel tittered. No wonder the look on its face had been so familiar. It was the same exact expression of heartfelt yearning that she remembered seeing a certain crush-stricken twelve-year-old boy wear all throughout their first epic summer in Oregon so long ago.
"It's okay!" She reassured. "No biggie, it was just an honest mistake on your part. Sorry if we scared you or anything. We just thought you were trying to-"
Unfortunately the skunk-ape didn't want to simply accept the mix-up and carry on with its life. It had come specifically because it thought it was following the scent of a potential mate. But instead it was all nothing more than a trick, or at least as far as it understood. It threw back its head, beat its chest and let wild with mighty roar that said in no unclear terms that A.) it was feeling pretty badly cheated and B.) there was going to be hell to pay for the cruel deception.
Immediately the gang took fighting stances and braced themselves for a showdown. The stinking ape bared its teeth with a snarl. Mabel instinctively reached for the attack glitter, but in her panicked rush she held onto the sparkling handful and hurled the boot and shirt instead. Dipper's reeking garment flopped over its face and Wendy's footwear somehow managed to get snagged up by the bristly hairs, and together they allowed the startled beast a direct sniff of the both of them. Its eyes bugged wide and it nearly deafened all three of them with a repulsed shriek. Apparently what had been attractive at a distance was absolutely murder on the senses when up close. It hurled the stinking things off and fled headlong into the woods, yelping all the way at the top of its lungs.
The flying boot and shirt meanwhile had both struck Mabel in the face. In a flash she was down on the ground and struggling to breathe.
"MABEL!" Dipper hurriedly tore them off her, and she shot up with a loud retch.
"T-too much! Too much!" She wheezed hoarsely and quivered from shock. "Too much stinky!"
"It's okay, Mabes." Wendy pat her back poured on the reassurances. "You're fine."
"No! It's n-not! You're….you're both….you're b-both just….BLAARRGH!"
Mabel got up and sprinted inside, all while sputtering some nonsense about a match being made in heck together. In a few seconds Wendy and Dipper could hear the shower running on full blast.
To say the least, this victory against the paranormal had come at quite a cost to their dignity. And the sounds of the swamp-dwelling ape's revolted cries echoing off in the distance certainly weren't making them feel any better. The two awkwardly met each other's gaze, and Dipper could bright blush fast rapidly spread from Wendy's cheeks to the rest of her face. Instinctively he forgot about his own embarrassment and scratched his neck as he wracked his brain for something to say to her.
"I don't see what the big deal is. I honestly don't mind the way you smell at all, and..." He stopped himself The embarrassment came roaring right back, but now for completely different reasons. Well, that was stupid. The heat down here in the deep south sure could make a person act funny. He'd probably be back to normal once they left this place for somewhere a little less humid. And also of course after Wendy was finished justifiably ragging on him for making things weird. He coughed and mumbled apologetically to her, "Uh….sorry."
"You're fine, doofus." Wendy snorted loudly at the look on his face, and the chuckling redhead gave him a thankful punch in the shoulder. "Y'know, I actually needed that."
"What? Wait, really?" He was pretty surprised.
"Well, yeah." She shrugged and confessed. "Dude, it's hard to not feel like a total scumbag right now."
"It's okay. I'm definitely feeling pretty unfit for civilized society too." He admitted.
"If it helps, I'm way too used to your stink too." Wendy laughed, then slung an arm around her friend's shoulders and gave him a playful hug. "Good thing we have each other to be toxic waste dumps with, huh?"
"Yeah…good thing." Dipper could feel a small burst of heat rush up to his face. This Florida climate was definitely something. He chuckled hoarsely, then hurriedly shifted the subject. "Seriously though, as soon as we get out of here we need to find a town with a laundromat."
"Oh, yeah, definitely. And somewhere to get some baking soda." As a repulsed squeak rang out from inside the RV, she added, "And maybe...I dunno, like, a place that sells apology cards or something?"
Dipper shook his head. "Honestly, it sounds like this is something only a carton of sprinkles is going to fix."
"Yeah, probably." The sound of yet another revolted whine made the smelly pair wince guiltily together, and Wendy promptly decided, "You know, we better try and make it at least two…"
Author's note: Fun fact, the skunk ape is an actual American legend/cryptid. I admittedly did a weird amount of research for this road trip/romance fic.
- SGA