Disclaimer- No, I don't own Harry Potter.

'This journal belongs to Sirius Orion Black.'

Wait, WHAT?

It took me a while to absorb the fact that I am holding Sirius Black's diary. I didn't even know he HAD a diary. Whatever, the point is that I shouldn't read his diary. It's not right. I can't stoop as low as he did when he read mine.

Who am I kidding? Of course I should read it- he's been blackmailing me with my diary for so long so I kind of have the right to read his. Right?

Feeling a bit guilty, I turned the page of his diary and started reading it.

'Dear diary, I mean, very manly journal

I, Sirius Black will be doing you the honour by writing in you. Don't expect me to write down my 'thoughts and feelings' in this- I'm not some hormonal acne ridden teenage girl. But anyway, you won't believe what happened yesterday- PETER CALLED ME FAT! I am NOT fat. Muscular, yes but not fat. But just to be on the safe side, I will have nothing but chocolates from now on- can't risk losing this body you know. Girls fancy it. Speaking of girls, Christy Cambrilla came yesterday and threw herself at me. Literally. She pounced on me, I first thought it's because, you know…. But then I realized she found out about Sophie. And Tina. And Julia. And Kate. And Bella..or was it Becca? Whatever, the point is she tried to hit me not hit on me. Well, she DID hit me, with a pair of purple heels. And the design of those shoes, SO last year. Bye now, better go and get Becca/Bella to massage me.

…

Dear whatever-it-is-I'm-doing-with-my-time

I overheard a conversation between Snivellus and one of his watery eyed midget friends today. I couldn't really make out what they were saying but I'm pretty sure I caught the words 'Sirius Black' and 'miserable old pig'. I was kind enough to take that as a compliment. Pigs are rather lovely, aren't they? Anyway, today The Marauders plan to execute a carefully planned, guaranteed to work plan to woo our darling Lily Evans. Don't get me wrong I don't plan to woo her- I have better taste than that! This is all for Jamesie, dear lovestruck Jamesie. Now you must be wondering why I'm helping him? What is my ulterior motive? I hate to disappoint you, but I don't have one (Surprise!) You see, James is my brother and that red haired evil witch is, most unfortunately, his everything. Now do you understand why I have to help him? He will NEVER stop talking about her. He looks so miserable, it's actually rather sickening. What's happened to him? All he does is talk about her, or he has that devoted, drooly expression on his face which makes it pretty obvious he's thinking about her.

Now, the plan. We plan to give Lily Evans a…-wait for it- LILY! But not just any ordinary Lily, but a magic lily (genius, isn't it?) This lily for Lily has been charmed to tap dance and sing! This song is something James and I spent HOURS writing. It goes like this-

"What have you done?

Is this your idea of fun?

You've stolen my thoughts, my actions, my heart

Without thinking of you, now I can't even fart.

I dream of you, your pretty little laugh

Your neck, as slender as the neck of a Giraffe .

Lily, lily

You're not silly!

But you do scream

Lily, lily

You're not silly

Just a bit mean

But give me a chance

I swear I'm not as evil as I seem!"

I think we did a rather good job, don't you?

…

We just finished saving James, who was being hexed by Lily. For some reason, she didn't seem to appreciate the lovely song/poem we wrote for her. She thought he's a 'stinking pile of poop' and that he's 'so insensitive' and he 'doesn't have a single brain cell in that inflated head of his.' I must admit, I did laugh at that. So she proceeded to hex me. Later James told me it's all my fault and kept giving me death glares. That's gratitude for you.

We also started planning our next great prank which involved Dumbledore, a statue and tap dancing shoes. (We do seem to have a thing about tap dancing, don't we?) Anyway, Prongs is using his transfiguration skills to transfigure the statue into Dumbledore. When we told Remus about the plan, he told us he won't talk to us, that it's to 'dangerous' and can get us into trouble. I wonder how long this not talking thing will last. I give it a month, tops.

Oh, and I stole Lily Evans's diary today. Well, not really stole, more like borrowed…without permission. It wasn't hidden very well. But, anyway, I plan to read it soon.

…

I just read most of her diary, it's so hilarious, not to mention nauseating. It seems that widdle Lily Evans has a bit of a crush on our very own MOONY. How funny is that? Are you not laughing your butt off right now? Right, you're a diary. You don't have a butt. Anyway, this is some of the stuff that's written in here-

'Remus, you're so very clever

I will stop liking you, never

You have the eyes of a sparkling sea

Why, oh why don't you be with me-'

NOW do you realise why I was ready to puke? Isn't this the most disgusting and hilarious thing ever? Why are all funny things disgusting, anyway? Like farts. Speaking of farts, I farted while I was with Susan today- she then proceeded to gaze at me with adoring eyes and said 'Oh, Sirius. You are just so very charming.'

Just kidding, she didn't say 'Oh, Sirius.' Instead she said, 'Oh, my snuggly wuggly Siri.' So you wouldn't blame me for running as fast a so can out of there. I mean, 'Snuggly wuggly Siri?' That would probably make Satan grab whatever he could and run. Anyway, I've got to go. I've just got the most amazing, twisted, evil idea ever!

…

Blackmail.

How perfect is this word? Perfect for me, I mean. You know since my name's Sirius BLACK? Gettit? ...Never mind.

Anyway, this one word will ensure my entertainment for at least a year. You see, I will blackmail Lily Evans. She will HAVE to go out with James **insert evil laughter here** This is honestly the only way she'll actually give Jamesie a chance. I mean, you should see the poor guys face when he's rejected again and again. For some odd reason he actually LIKES her. The Red Haired Monster would be informed about this tonight. I plan to tell her most subtly. As subtly as I can, anyway. I got a letter from my mother again- way to ruin my day. She said the usual, 'I wish you were never born-disrespecting the Blacks-Causing shame to our family-friends with uhm, "mudbloods"-friends with James' Just the usual. Even though I'm quite used to Mum being like this- it doesn't make it hurt any less. I mean, she's my MOTHER. She's supposed to be mother-ish, like James's mother. Anyway, this topic is getting way too depressing for me- I'm off to blackmail Evans.

…

Success. I told her my genius blackmail idea. The bunny ears one, this is going to be so funny. I also spent an hour listening to James cooing about Evans. Today's topic was her left earlobe. As odd as it sounds, it's certainly and improvement from yesterdays topic- her toenail. I don't know if this is how people normally act when they're in love but if it is, it's not something I ever want to experience. I'm strangely excited for Lily's little bunny thing. I spent about an hour with Diana/Donna in the broom closet. And I also hexed Snape- so it's been a rather productive day. More tomorrow, I need my beauty sleep.

…

'You are so pretty

And so witty

Remus, it's such a pity

That I can't be as close to you as I am with my kitty'

These lines above, dear diary, are what made my day today. You see, not only is she in love with Remus. She writes poetry about him which is why Evans is my new favorite. I'm sorry for my rather short and abrupt diary/manly journal entries but I feel rather odd writing in this. Maybe it's because the only other person I know who keeps a diary is Lily Evans. And Peter- but this sort of thing is what you expect from Peter.

…

I just came back up after witnessing 'Lily's Little Bunny Thing' which was a success. It comprised of her dancing in a bunny costume singing a rather adorable Muggle song called 'Cuppy Cake'. James went ballistic. I really must apologise but my journal entries would be shorter and less frequent from now on. You see, every time I want to write here, I have to spend hours looking for you. There is a bit of a mess here, you see. Well, maybe more than a bit. My underwear (lying on the floor) is becoming rather smelly. I do feel quite itchy too-

That's it- I've had enough. I feel way too guilty. How could I do such a thing? What's wrong with me? I have intruded into Sirius's personal life and I owe him an apology. But this apology will be given to him after I blackmail him. An evil grin slowly crept up on my face.

Authors Note-

Okay, I know I haven't updated in…more than four months. I'm really sorry. Forgive me? (:

Anyway, this chapter is like, the longest one I've ever written. I'm sorry for ending it so abruptly but I was honestly sick of writing. Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed Sirius's Journal as much as I enjoyed writing it! I also hope I haven't let you down by it. Oh, and thanks for reviewing my story. I really appreciate it.