Wooh! Chapter 10! Enjoy guys :D

cRazy! One of you genuinely guessed what would happen this chapter... how Miranda died! Wow... just thought I'd mention it... sorry :(

Disclaimer: I don't own The Vampire Diaries because if I did *SPOILER* I wouldn't have killed Kol!

Through Thoughts Of My Own

Chapter 10 - I Have Lost, but I Have Gained

Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye
Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
You, ooh

[I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston]

"Elena... what's wrong?" Damon looked truly terrified.

Elena sniffled.

"They found my parents"

Damon smiled softly. That was great!

"My mum was dead"

...

Elena POV

There was something about the way Damon looked at me when I said that. It looked like pity, but I didn't want his pity. Over the past 16 years of my life I have developed an understanding for 'pity' and you are only given it when someone if secretly laughing at your face. When someone thinks your weak or incapable of being strong and moving on.

I have realized that when Damon looks at me with those precious, innocent and loving eyes that something is wrong. He is always so cocky and snarky and when things change as sudden as they just did, he is thinking deeply.

When I told him, he had frozen. Everyone was doing that a lot lately but it wasn't just that. He was as pale as a ghost, as if he were dead. But if anyone should be metaphorically compared to death, it should be me.

I even remember, so clearly, when I had bumped into Bonnie on the stairs around two hours ago. I was happy, so happy. Being able to be held by the man I loved had overwhelmed me and I was buzzing, until I saw my adoptive sister crying as if it were the last day of her life. Little did I know it was the last day of mine.

I've always believed that without family, you are nothing. I guess I am nothing now, then. My sister hates be for choosing the man I love over her hypocritical ass and my mother was attacked by robbers and died from an infected wound to the leg. I only had my remaining siblings- Jeremy and Bonnie- and my dad. What was that to go by?

Jeremy, yes, he was always strong. Always the one to break the tension or jump into a really awkward moment just to have a convocation about something completely meaningless. He was the one who would say it straight. He didn't believe in the phrase 'keep it to yourself'. His excuse would always be 'but if I do, how will they learn?' I knew he would be able to handle our mothers death because he could handle anything.

Bonnie was my only remaining, close, sibling. We used to do everything together, stand up for each other until we joined Caroline at the Veritas Estate. About her I wasn't so sure.

Damon, the eldest Salvatore brother, was everything to me. The only thing that remained when I felt like letting go, the only thing that reminded me to get over myself and move on. Only, I didn't think he could help me. He always can, but not now.

He moved slowly, stepping back in shock as if what I had just said was completely irrational to him.

Yes, well it was a surprise to me too.

When he opened his mouth to talk, I winced, waiting for those two stupid words that people always thought made everything better.

"I'm sorry"

The way Damon said it wasn't in pity, he was just genuinely sorry for my loss. But sorry doesn't make it all okay. I don't know what will. But I'm going to start with him.

Before Damon could even comprehend what I did, I was in his arms, clutching to the material of his shirt as I cried. Tears were inevitable now, completely out of my control, and when I felt the first tear fall, I knew it was one of many.

Damon didn't do anything and for that I was grateful He just let me wallow in grief, tearing at the comforts of his clothes as I clung for something to hold to, something with meaning. He just stood, arms wrapped around me like a cocoon, keeping me safe. It felt almost as if he understood, even though I knew he didn't. It felt as though he could truly begin to realize what I was feeling.

"Elena, love, I know what you're going through" Damon breathed as if it were a sigh of exasperation. I felt his breath tickle at the hairs on my neck, opening my eyes. I nuzzled his chest as if to say 'I'm listening', and I think he understood.

"After Stefan was born... my mother died. His birth was too much for her body to handle. I know what it's like to loose a parent. She died on the 14th June, the day Stefan was born" he explained, and I could hear the hurt in his voice. His throat was tight while he spoke, indicating he was struggling.

I looked up at him, face still pressed against his chest. He smiled softly down at me, but this time, his lop-sided grin didn't cheer me up.

"I thought Stefan was born on 25th June" I stated, emotionless.

Damon chuckled and I could feel the movement in his chest, the way his entire body rumbled. "My father couldn't bare to have his son born the same day his wife died. He said he couldn't celebrate his sons birthday if his wife had died that very same day. He changed it."

There was something in the way he said it that made me think he was proud. I couldn't help but admit that what Giuseppe did was understandable, but I, myself, wouldn't have done it. If I had one, then I would want my son to accept that his mother died on his birthday, as horrible as it sounded. I would want my son to realize that even though he lost something that day, he gained something; life.

"What about Jack?"

"My mother miscarriage before Stefan was born but I told him when he was around 12"

Damon shook his head slowly, meaning his chin, that resting on my head, moved against my hair. I looked up at him through hooded eyes, curious.

"Would you have done that? Change his birthday, I mean"

Damon smirked. He shook his head slowly, as if not believing what I was asking him. "Probably. If it were, you, say, that had died that day, I would probably have changed it, yes. I don't think I could look at a son or daughter of mine be happy on his or her birthday if I was busy mourning you'.

As crazy as it seemed, when Damon mentioned out future, I instantly thought of a small, young boy that was just like his father. A miniature Damon, with no features from me to interrupt his perfect face. Beautiful blue eyes like Damon's, with maybe my nose, but only my nose. I didn't think about a little girl, being cradled by her overprotective father, I thought of a boy.

Living in this day and age meant that you were always on the list; the 'get married to someone you don't love but who will provide for you' list. My mother informed me that when I turned 15, I would automatically be in, like a ticket in a raffle. It had been a year since then and I had failed to be chosen, but I was happy with that. When you were chosen a suitor, there was little you could do to change it. So, when the thought of babies and Damon as my husband popped into my head, my first instinct was to ignore the part of me that screamed TOO SOON! It wasn't too soon, most girls my age were bearing children at this very moment. I was informed only yesterday that Joyce, one of the estate's servants, was pregnant and would soon be leaving. She was 15.

I smiled at Damon, the images of me and him side by side with an infant in each arm being the center of my attention. I could picture it, as in visually picture our lives in my mind. Getting married, going on adventures, having a child, watching them grown, having another, watching them age, having another, watching them learn and explore, and then grow old and die by each others sides.

It was a lovely thought, but it was a little far fetched. We weren't even allowed to be together.

"I miss her", I whispered into his chest. If my mother were here, she would know exactly what to do.

Damon stroked my hair and it reminded me of her. When I was upset or crying, she would sit me on her lap, no matter what age, and stroke my hair while humming or singing in my ear. It was something of a habit for her, but I would never complain.

"I know you do, love. It gets easier, I promise"

People always said that. But they lie. I have lost before, and I still mourn. Pain doesn't get easier, ever. It is something that is always there, just less noticeable at times. It is just as painful from start to finish, but it's what you do in that time that gets rid of the pain- even if only for a second.

"No it wont" I sniffled, grabbing and tugging at his crisp white shirt. I breathed him in, calm.

"I know it wont, love. But we can always make it easier."

[...]

I was standing in front of my new vanity when Jeremy came in. It had been around an hour since Joyce came and told me and Damon that the remains of my family would be arriving soon for the inevitable event that I had dreaded since last night- when I found out of my mother's passing. Damon had left to prepare himself while I had done the same with Joyce, waiting patiently for my brother and father to arrive.

My father had decided that instead of dwelling on old distress and upset, he would get the funeral out of the way and have it today. I, myself, along with Bonnie and Caroline, were not pleased with his lack of respect; I wanted to mourn her for more than a day. She was my mother!

The mirror I held fell from my grip as I launched myself at my brother, tears streaming at the relief.

He looked well. He looked okay. Apparently, from the attack, only my mother had been injured. His hair was ruffled and fluffed, its usual chestnut brown was soothing. Jeremy looked destroyed, completely broken, but somehow still intact.

When I pulled back from his embrace, I gasped, completely shocked that he was really here after so long away. I pressed my palms to his cheeks, cupping his face and pinching his cheeks almost like our late aunt Veronica did. Jeremy squirmed away from me but I pulled him back, arms catching him and surrounding him.

"Jer!" I screamed happily, burying my cheek into his chest. He had gotten so much taller over the past 3 weeks.

"Hey 'Lena" he smiled, eyes sad.

When the everything flooded back to me, my smile went out the window. I was happy he was here, yes, but being reminded of the reason he was here was not as pleasing. I smiled softly at him but he could see the despair in my eyes and could almost read my thoughts.

"How are you?" he asked sheepishly.

What a stupid question. How am I? Well, dying from the inside out but at least I'm getting treated like a princess with a broken leg- attention and constant care. The question was pointless because he already knew the answer, but at least he was trying.

"I'm... not okay" I whimpered, finding my lack of tears alarming. Normally I would be crying a river by now, I was very emotional.

Jeremy didn't look happy with my answer, as if he were expecting anything different. "You ready to do this?" he asked sweetly, brushing a fresh strand of my chocolate hair behind my ear. I nodded but I knew the answer was no.

Just as Jeremy turned to leave, with me stepping to follow, my father walked into the room and I had no self control. The second my eyes landed on my last and only remaining parent, I flew forward as fast as my legs could move until my dad's arms were encasing me in a comforting and reassuring hug. Jeremy took it as his sign to leave, nodding a goodbye to me as I looked over my fathers shoulder.

George pulled back to look down at me, his eyes filled with a burning love that, somehow, took some of the pain away. He was the only one who could destroy my sickness, my depression, my unhappiness with one single smile. Damon was the only other exception.

"Princess" my father sighed, no doubt about beginning a long speech about being ready for today. I cut him off quickly.

"Daddy, don't. Don't tell me what to do and what to say, what to expect. Let me get through this, I need some independence."

My father grinned. He nodded, slowly walking over to my bed to set himself down upon my new covers. I watched him with wary eyes.

My dad was always one to love too easily. I think I inherited that gene from him. When my father loved, he loved them until the end, no matter what. He was loyal and trusting and he loved my mother so much it hurt. I knew he did. And I was just waiting for him to break down.

"How did it happen?" I choked, pulling up my vanity chair to perch next to his feet at the end of my bed. I wanted to find out so I could get over it. Like tearing off a bandage, fast and quick is easier.

But that didn't mean I didn't want to mourn for more than a day. I did. I think my mum deserved that at least.

George looked down at me, sighing, and falling back into the deep mattress I owned. He didn't seem to move, the only thing reminding me he was alive was the steady rise and fall of his chest.

"The robbers that chased us from the house found us and wanted to finish us off, God knows why. Jeremy got to them and knocked one out, then I stabbed the other in the arm and waited for him to run, but it seemed when your mother ran, one grabbed her and dug a knife right through her leg. It got infected."

Although I was already completely aware of the fact she had died from an infection, I couldn't help but choke up at hearing it again. Hearing it and knowing that it was the truth.

My father turned to me urgently, searching for distress. "Princess, all will be well, be patient. It will get easier"

Errgh! There they went with that stupid lie again!

"No, but I will make it" I stated, determined. I was prepared to take a leaf out of Damon's book.

My father seemed happy with me. Almost proud. I couldn't really understand why, but I knew something was up.

"We need to go, the carriage is arriving soon", my dad said, sitting up and sticking his hand out for me to take. I was about to take it when there was a husky cough from the doorway.

"'Lena? Can we chat for a second?"

I turned to him with the most dazzling smile I could manage. His eyes were stunning, blue orbs that looked like they were from another world. With the power he had over women with just his gaze, those eyes should be illegal.

George stepped forward, smiling at me cutely. He waved, stepping around Damon to head downstairs.

"You alright?" he asked, coming to stand in front of me. He hastily took my hands in his, clutching at them as if they were his lifeline. I smiled sweetly to him as he returned it.

"I'm coping" I smiled sadly, looking deeply into his eyes.

Every time he looked at me like that, I felt my heart swell. He was so important to me and he was my rock in all of this, to say the least.

"Good. Now lets go" he smiled, sticking his arm out. I looped my arm around his own, giggling cheekily as he guided us down the stairs of the estate.

At the end of the staircase, watching us descend, were my family.

Bonnie was smiling sadly up at me, her eyes filled with nothing but tears and sorrow. She was wearing a long, flowing brown dress much like the one I had worn on the day we tidied Giuseppe's room together and then got drunk. It was designed with orangy-brown pattern. Her hair was tied in an extravagant style, much like Caroline's, who was standing beside her. Caroline was also wearing a long, black dress. The hemline was golden, again like Bonnie's, but on top she wore a long and beautiful over-coat. Jeremy was standing, wearing a handsome, fitted black outfit. It was obviously very expensive and led me to wander how he got it.

When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I turned to myself, my reflection, in a small mirror beside the wall. I was wearing a floor-length white dress with golden flowers threaded into the skirt. They were not hugely noticeable but still pretty. The shoulders tight to my skin and the ends were long, reaching past my waist. The neck line, shoulder and wrist were threaded with a cute golden thread. The bodice was creased, but it looked good. I hadn't noticed until she had finished, that Joyce hadn't put my hair up. It was in simple curls around my face, surrounding me, but it looked beautiful.

Damon stepped behind me and lent his chin against my shoulder. I tensed slightly, worried about watching eyes but when I saw only my families reflections in the mirror and not Damon's, I smiled gently. Damon wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer, kissing my cheek tenderly. I giggled, watching us in the reflection.

"Come, sister, let's go" Jeremy smiled, resting a hand on my other shoulder. Damon withdrew, stepping back and taking my hand.

We all left and got to the carriage. Leonardo, another servant, opened the carriage door for us. My brother, two sisters and father stepped in first, moving to sit inside.

"We shall go in the next carriage", Damon insisted, pulling me away to the other carriage before I could argue. He opened the door for me and watched as I stepped in, falling into my seat, the plush pillows soft.

"How come we are being treated so well, Damon? Why is everything so expensive? The clothes? The carriages?" I asked, genuinely confused.

Damon was tense and was quiet. He looked at me with a sort of depressed face. "My father is letting you go, as a servant."

I froze. What? Since when?

He couldn't let us go! If he did then the agreement was off and out family would go back to being poor!

"What?! Why?"

Damon looked heartbroken to say the least. The carriage jerked as we set off to the Mystic Falls Cemetery. "He thinks you should be with you family right now"

"No!" I cried, my cheeks wet with falling tears. Damon tensed, he was obviously against it too. "I refuse to leave. I am not leaving you!"

My heart almost broke in two when I saw tears roll down Damon's cheeks. "I don't want you too either but it's better for your family to recover without worrying about being servants to us" he said, as if he were disgusted that we worked for them. I understood that, but the agreement!

"What about the agreement? We need your families support" I cried, falling into my boyfriends embrace. He pulled me so physically close we almost merged into one. He wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me as if terrified to let go.

"My father said the agreement would be destroyed but we would continue to support you. He told me that you will return to our service, but after a while"

"What does this have to do with the money?"

"You're not our servants anymore. My father is treating you like guests"

I was quiet from then on after. It wasn't so much the thought of leaving that I hated. It was the thought of leaving Damon.

"I do not understand Damon" I sighed.

Damon smiled gently, stroking my arm. "We shall discuss it later, 'Lena."

I wasn't in the mood to argue with him. My choice was final and it was made. I wasn't going to leave him. No way in hell. I couldn't. It was physically impossible.

"I want to stay Damon" I stated, watching out of the small window as we descended down the cobble road that led to the cemetery. People were lining the streets, mostly lower class, but I noticed Giuseppe and Stefan talking to someone wearing a very expensive dress. Nearly everyone was here for my mothers funeral, which confused me, but my attention went straight to her. She had beautiful curly hair, much like my own today. She was average height with slender arms and a beautiful form. Her dress was beautiful, stunning. It was a large, blood red dress. The sleeves were long and reached past her waist. She wore a small matching head piece. The bodice and skirt were threaded with beads and jewels making it look a little bit too expensive. How much money did her family have?! When she turned on her heel to face someone else, I gasped.

That was me! She was me! What? Her hair was identical to mine, her high cheekbones, her chocolate brown eyes, her perfect smile, plump lips. That was me!

When Damon noticed my distress he looked out the window and tensed incredibly. I turned to him, terrified.

"Who is that?"

Damon looked worried, as if it were someone he didn't ever want to see again. Worry flitted uncontrollably through my head. Who was she? Was she an ex looking for revenge? Was she a friend? Damon growled.

I looked up at my boyfriend, worried.

"That's Katherine. Katherine Pierce"

Katherine? As in the one who used him and accused him of forcing her to cheat- Katherine?

That was when my world just... stopped.

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