Chapter 10, Jealous.
Going by the look on her face, not merely by what she said, he can certify that she wants what he wants too. Just a minute ago she admitted that she also wanted to stay all day in bed with him, so he's sure that nothing will get in the way of his plans with her. Goten is gone, Piccolo is also gone, and there's nothing standing in his way to hog his wife away from him. Especially Piccolo, who she for some reason she wants to train with, instead of him.
'I want you today,' he lets her know again, properly keeping his eyes on her.
He needs for her to read how serious he is, but she only looks at him like she doesn't understand what medication he's taking, that's making him say something casual, yet incomprehensible. Maybe he doesn't have a serious expression on his face, he considers. Or he just wasn't clear enough.
'Just me and you,' he explains, 'that's what I want.'
'Oh,' she accepts. 'I thought you meant...' trailing off, she runs her eyes from his face down his very naked body, making her eyes complete her incomplete sentence.
Oh, that, it clicks for him, he could include that in his plans too, but primarily, he has other plans for her.
All through the night, he couldn't sleep as well as he should've been able to, because his mind couldn't stop thinking. In all his life, he rarely had to think deeply, because his impulsive instincts guided him in the stead of thinking. Last night, however, his mind wouldn't stop thinking. It refused to stop thinking about Chi-Chi having the serious thought to leave him, and thus, came up with his plans for today. Making her see that she can't leave him, takes priority over all else that he may or may not want to engage in with her today.
'Maybe later,' he says, casting a side-glance her way.
He's not going to promise her that they'll have that moment later on, but he needs her appeased to carry on with the plan that he has for her, so he hopes with all his heart that it sounds like a promise to her.
She makes an expression that says she doesn't believe him, but a small, 'Okay,' comes from her mouth, and that's more than enough for him.
'I want to take you somewhere,' he tells her, holding his hand out for her to take.
Running her eyes down his body, Chi-Chi puts a displeased look on her face, her eyebrows drawn so close together that it almost looks like she has one long eyebrow.
'Get dressed first,' she tells him in a way of warning, making it sound like it's either that, or she won't do what he wants.
For an answer, he only giggles before swiftly moving past her to go and get dressed in normal clothes. He would usually prefer to be in his training and fighting attire, but for this day with his wife, he'll wear normal clothes that have nothing to do with fighting.
However, as much as he'll get dressed in normal clothes, he doesn't want to take up much time getting dressed, in the case that someone else decides to show up and ruin his plans. Not bothering to pull on either underwear or shoes, he only pulls down a T-shirt and the his trousers before returning back to her in under two minutes. In fact, he goes right past her to the door.
'Let's go,' he calls for her, once again holding his hand out for her at the door.
'You're not wearing shoes, Goku,' she observes with distaste as she comes to him.
He knew that she would comment something about his shoes, which is why he quickly pulls her into him and then lifts her up with him as he starts to levitate off the ground. He then closes the door before he gets too high up to close it.
'Hihihi… Hold on, Chi-Chi,' he tells her through a giggle to soften her to let him of the hook for not wearing shoes.
Thankfully, she heeds him by wrapping her arms around his neck. In turn, he puts his arms around her waist to secure her his hold. He usually doesn't like to fly upright, but for Chi-Chi, he will.
They begin their first few metres of ascension away from the house in silence until he looks at her and sees that she has a wondering look on her face. He knows that face well, he's lived with her for so long that he's accustomed to knowing what every face that she makes means. For the most part, he finds it more exciting to pretend to not know in order to provoke an exciting reaction out of her, but he always knows what each look that she puts on her face means.
'What are you thinking about?' he questions, genuinely curious to know.
The thing is, if he wants her to ultimately stay and not leave him like she's planning to, he'll have to let go of what he wants and dive into her mind, to gather what she wants from him. It may just be that attention from him will get her to stay with him.
Chi-Chi looks at him, the same look of wonder still on her face. 'Do you know why I never learnt how to fly?' she asks him.
That's a good question, he thinks, returning a similar version of the look on her face.
To be honest, he never really thought about it, so he can't say that he has an immediate answer. What he does know, is that he's always assumed that she had no real interest in flying. In the back of her mind, he always reasoned that had she had interest in flying, she would've learnt how to do it, especially during the years that Gohan would take off without her permission.
'No,' he answers honestly, stopping mid-air. 'Why didn't you learn how to fly?'
The real question he should be asking, is why she never asked him to teach her how to fly, but somehow, his question seems like the right one to ask.
'Because after I met you,' she quietly says, 'I never felt like I needed an escape.'
He was half hoping that she would say something about Nimbus being available. Actually, in his head, he had it that she would say something along the lines of how both of her sons and her husband have the flawless ability to fly, and so there was never a reason for her to learn how to fly, but her answer…
He can only really look at her, marveling at how simple yet profound her answer is.
'I don't know if it will make sense to you,' she starts to explain softly, probably thinking that he doesn't understand, 'but after my mother died, I always wanted to fly up to the heavens to be with her. I always wanted an escape.'
Again, even though she's expectantly looking at him to give her something of an answer, he can only look at her, amazed by how she's felt this way about him all these years, but she never once told him about it.
But then in equal measure as his amazement, he begins to feel an accusing feeling in the pit of his soul, making him wonder if he never truly paid attention to his wife during all these years. When he remembers the previous night and hearing this now, he suddenly feels attacked by the accusation that he took his wife for granted. He married her and he fell in love with her and that was that…
'My father was always there for me,' she carries on, 'and he loved me, but there was always a part of me that wanted to fly high up in the sky and escape to be with my mother. But after I met you, I don't know, I found ground with you. I didn't know it back then as a child, but over the years after being married to you, I realised that you grounded me, Goku. That desire to fly up high in the sky left me after I met you, because you gave me something firm to hold onto. It probably doesn't make practical sense, right?'
Oh, man, Goku lets out a breath, feeling his heart clench as his wife shyly looks away from him as if what she just said is the wrong answer, where did he go wrong as a husband that he never took the time to know this about her?
He should be disappointed in himself, he thinks, looking down in slight shame. Chi-Chi knows all there is to know about him, while he… In this state, he lifts his head to look the other way and then yells a loud, 'Nimbus!'
Within a second, Nimbus shows up and sweeps both of them off their feet to land plump onto their bottoms on him. Both giggling at Nimbus' eagerness, they settle comfortably on him. Goku swears that Nimbus has never come to him so fast before; it's like Nimbus has been waiting an eternity to be called and his chance finally came, so he seized it without wasting a single second.
Once they are seated and their giggles have died down, he carefully rotates Chi-Chi to make it so that they are sitting staring at each other, instead of being side by side.
Being able to look at her face and look into her eyes, is what he wanted all along. He didn't like that he had limited access to seeing her the way he really wanted to see her. But, he finds that somehow, having her face him, doesn't satisfy him nearly as much as he thought it would.
'I think I understand what you mean,' he confesses, looking into her eyes, but still finding that it doesn't feel satisfying.
For a reply, she arches a brow in question, silently asking him to elaborate on what he means by that.
Pointing down, he tells her, 'Look down there.'
There's really nothing specific down there that he wants her to see. Rather, he only wants to adjust her around so that she is leaning her back on his chest.
Wrapping his arms around her, he asks, 'Better?'
She quietly nods, easing out a satisfied sigh, which makes him smile inside. It's better for him like this too.
'I met Bulma first,' he starts to tell her, 'and then I met you. After you, I met the most gentle girl in the world and her name was Suno. Suno was a really good person, who saved my life. After Suno, I met another girl named Arale. Arale was my kind of person, she was hyper and really strong… I had so much fun with Arale. And then when I was training with Mr. Popo at Kami's place, there was another sweet girl that saved me, her name was Churi…'
Shoo, that was a lot to get out at once, he breathes out. He doesn't know why he didn't allow himself breaks between all that. Well, he guesses that he's just in a hurry to show her that he understands what she means about feeling grounded with him. In his heart, he just wants them to bond and relate to the same thing, because he thinks that it will help her see why she can't leave him.
'I didn't know that you met so many girls,' Chi-Chi remarks tightly.
'Hahaha,' he scratches the back of his head, picking up that she doesn't sound approving at all. 'But that's my point, Chi-Chi,' he tries, 'I met all those girls, and they were wonderful people, but the truth is, none of them could've held me down like you do.'
From Bulma to Churi, while they all had their respective wonderful qualities, none of them had that zest enough to find a way to capture his interest. Yeah, sure, there'd been food, but that really only appealed to his stomach, not to the person he was at heart.
'I think... hmm...' he starts to think of a good example, one that she will understand. 'Take Bulma for example, if I'd married her, I would probably have had a lot more freedom to feed my desires. I think if that had happened, at least twenty years would've gone by before I saw all my friends and family again. Bulma shouts and slaps, but she doesn't have what it takes to wrestle me down, and keep me stable.'
Bulma has never had what it took to keep him down like he needs to be. She's always been too soft with him, and even now she just can't resist giving in to what he wants. Now that he thinks about it, it's never been a challenge for him to work around Bulma. He's never seen her in the light that he sees Chi-Chi, but if he had, he doesn't think that he would be the man that he is today.
'She managed to wrestle Vegeta down,' his wife remarks again, this time sounding a little too sour for his liking.
Frowning, he stoically replies, 'I'm not Vegeta.'
Whatever Bulma did to and with Vegeta, doesn't apply to him in any way, shape or sentence. He's not Vegeta, so he can't be compared to Vegeta.
'I know you're not,' she whispers apologetically.
Good, he thinks, nuzzling his chin on her shoulder to show her that he's letting the subject go.
'I just mean to say that you know how much I love adventure, Chi-Chi,' he continues. 'You know how easily I get bored, but with you, I'm grounded, and I don't know, it's kind of like your reason for not learning to fly, don't you think?'
He really needs for her to say that yes, it's like her reason for not learning how to fly, but she only angles her head almost as if to look at him, but not fully, because she's not able to.
'That's why I need you with me,' he completes sheepishly when she doesn't say anything. 'I was going to take you on an adventure to remind you of that adventure we had just before we got married. I was going to show you the world, to make you remember the first years of our marriage and how wonderful they'd been...'
Thinking back now, he realises that after Raditz showed up, everything changed and he just changed as a husband. Unlike in the first years of their marriage when he was devoted to learning what the married life entailed and consisted of, after he died that first time, he grew consumed with the idea of battle and without paying attention to how it took him over, he let it rule him. That lifestyle ruled him so much, that he took it for granted that he loved her and she knew it, but he never truly surrendered to the whole idea of marriage past the honeymoon years…
Woah, he needs to reel himself back in before he gets too lost in all the ways that he went wrong as a husband for the woman that he married and loves entirely.
'But now I feel like I just ruined that, so um…' he uses that as his reel. 'I want you to know that I need you with me, Chi-Chi.'
'I'm glad you brought me,' she admits like it was exactly the thing that she need. 'Thank you, Goku.'
'I'm all out of ideas,' he laughs lightly, his chin still on her shoulder. 'I don't know what else to do now that my plan is out in the open. Do you still want to go for an adventure?'
He's sure that he can take her some place else if she's till up to it, even Uub's village if she would like that.
Shaking her head, she refuses his offer. 'Let's just ride like this and talk. I like this.'
Smiling, he asks, 'Just ride Nimbus and talk, huh?'
'About anything you want,' she assures him, as if she knows that he's searching for what to talk about.
There are a million things that he can talk about with her. He can start by asking her what she wants from him, what it will take for her to finally agree to stay for real, or even bring up their pending fight, but more than all of that, there's only one thing that he'd like her to know above all.
'Don't leave me,' he says.
No, he doesn't say it, he requests it from the deepest part of his soul. It's an actual request that he can't bear to have turned down. At first, he didn't realise why he wasn't in the mood for anything since he returned from Uub's village, but after his talk with Piccolo and then the Ox King's funeral, he discovered that he couldn't be without her. He figured out that his security has always been in Chi-Chi's presence back home, and now that there's the threat of losing that security, he just can't…
'Chi-Chi?' he prods, feeling like it's been too long a silence, and maybe she didn't hear him.
'When you were sick with the heart virus,' finally comes from her, 'Yamcha was there every single day. He helped me with everything, even the cooking…' she trails off.
Why is he suddenly talking about Yamcha? What does Yamcha have to do with her not leaving him?
'…and one day,' she picks up in the same quiet tone, 'I remember thinking if I would've had a different life with him... a painless life.'
Without noticing that he's doing it, his arms around her tighten at the mention of a life with Yamcha.
'I swear Goku,' she chokes out a sob, her sob reverberating through her body so that he feels it, 'every time that you left the house, or you died, it was worse than the last time. I used to think that there couldn't possibly be a way to bring you back each new time... It was the worst kind of pain to live through. That's the life I wondered if I wouldn't have had, had I married Yamcha.'
Married Yamcha? He doesn't like to think of Yamcha and her in the same sentence, because it's just incorrect, even worse than being compared to Vegeta. But oddly, the thought of Yamcha is shadowed by how bad he feels for never knowing that she hurt so much, that she wondered of a different life without him.
Is he really that bad of a person? Does he need to let her go, so that she never has to suffer like that?
'Chi-Chi…' he sighs, feeling like he just took on the weight of the world into his heart.
'I told you, Goku,' she lets out in a low tone, 'I'll be the one who suffers if I don't leave. I appreciate you trying like this, and to be honest, I needed to be with you one last time like this to just… to let you go.'
He can't afford to lose her, he realises that now, because nothing is the same without her, but after hearing her say all this, he feels like if he convinces her to stay and he leaves one last time, that will be the end of her. She already explained to him that she doesn't have anything else to do in their house, not since their son's are all grown up and they don't need her to tend to them anymore.
Should he really let her go? Should he go back on his word to himself and not fight for her to stay?
'Chi-Chi,' he tries to make something come out of his mouth other than her name alone, but he can't.
His heart is tearing apart in a way that he never knew was possible. All his life, Chi-Chi has been his safety net, the cushion that he always knew was there. Just the knowledge that she was there, made it possible for him to do things correctly and not mess up. He always had the guarantee that she would always be there for him, and that she would never leave him, but now, he doesn't know if making her stay will be good for her or not.
The poor woman already lost her rock, her father, he remembers, swallowing a thick lump down his throat, and if he insists on making her stay, it might destroy her in the end. He can't be responsible for destroying the woman that he loves, he thinks sourly as he stiffens, coming to a conclusion for all this.
King Kai once told him that being a hero, saving lives, sometimes meant walking away. He never agreed with that, because when he thought about walking away from a fight with all of the guys that he fought, no one would've been saved. Except now, he clearly understands what King Kai meant by that.
He has to let Chi-Chi go. Even if it kills him. If he can take responsibility for being a bad husband after Raditz came to Earth, he should be able to take the responsibility of losing too. Even if it defies his fighting principle of never giving up until he passes out, he has to let her go.
'Can we go to the castle?' he asks her, resigning to his destiny.
He feels her stiffen as she asks in a small panic, 'Why? I thought we'd stay like this for a while.'
He thought so too, but he can't do this to her. His throat constricts as he tries to think of an answer to give her. In the end, he can only press his lips on her shoulder as though to place a kiss on them, when he's really only trying to keep himself from letting out a howl of a cry for finally realising that he hasn't been making his wife happy.
'Goku?' she probes.
Taking in deep breath, for an answer, he barely manages to get out, 'Your coronation is tomorrow.'
His heart feels like it's freezing just saying the words. He's never had to bow down, to give up a fight before, and this feels like forfeiting without even getting a choice in the matter.
For a second, she freezes, but that second passes and she relaxes in resignation before she nods. Unlike him, she's been prepared for this, and apparently, it isn't as hard to accept as it is for him to do.
'Let's go,' she quietly gives him the go ahead, and then proceeds to unwrap his arms from her.
He's trying, even as she untangles their arm, he's trying his best to not show her how badly he feels inside. He doesn't want her to feel sorry for him, and so yes, he's trying to keep himself together, but he doesn't know if he's succeeding, because he sure doesn't feel like he is.
26Chapters
The Nimbus ride to the castle, is the hollowest of silences that he's ever faced. During his adventure-filled life, he's encountered several silences; absolute, haunting, frightening, daring, and even provoking, but none of them had ever been hollow like this one was.
Once they arrive at the castle, Goku silently hops off Nimbus. Gently, he reaches for her to pull her off the cloud by holding her in his arms to gently place her down on her feet.
'Thank you,' she tells him, giving him a smile that's not from the heart.
How can she just keep herself together, knowing that this is it for them while he… He looks at her trying to find a vulnerable spot that will change this whole thing for them, but he just… He just can't. Looking at her is too much, so he faces the other way, except her hand gently bring his face back to hers.
'Goku.'
Face to face with her, he wants right there and then to cry. He's only ever cried once in his life and that was the time that he met his grandfather at Baba's tournament. He never cried again after that. He got angry and frustrated and he felt sadness in his life, but he never again cried, because there hadn't been a reason to. Until now.
'My Goku…' leaves her mouth in a thick whisper, the tears in her eyes not helping in any way. 'My sweet Goku…' she rubs his cheek.
He feels them coming, he feels the tears building up in his eyes, so he closes his eyes, leaning into her touch to stop the tears from moving out of his eyes. How dare they want to come out now?
'My biggest fear has always been that one day I would stop loving you, and then everything that I endured would've been for nothing…'
Slowly, he opens his eyes, not caring if the tears building in his eyes spill out. He never realised what he did to her, he didn't know that she carried such a burden with her for so long.
He takes a step into her. 'Chi-Chi, I'm so sorry,' he croaks, not knowing what else to say.
She instantly drops her hand from his cheek to surprise him with surrounding him with her gentle arms. As though prompted, he breaks out into a strained sob in her arms. It's not what he had planned, and it's not what he would've liked to do in front of her, but he can't help it.
Although he bites down on his tongue to keep from fully crying, he internally continues to cry. He doesn't know if he's crying for himself, or for her and everything that she's had to deal with all because of him, all he knows is that he's crying and he can't stop.
Being the angel that she is, Chi-Chi allows him to remain in her arms, while he wills himself to not break down in front of her. She softly repeats the words, 'I love you,' to him to soothe him, but as soothing as they sound, they aren't doing anything for him. Maybe she means to tell him that her worst fear hasn't yet come to pass, but that still doesn't soothe him.
Can anything soothe him?
Chapter 11, Kaleidoscope.