Disclaimer: I don't own 進撃の巨人
A/N: So... I probably owe you guys a big apology for that last chapter. I really didn't mean to cause so much unneeded heartache! I hope you liked the joke though, hehe, and if you didn't... well, I hope that didn't cost me any readership! Kudos to those of you who caught on pretty early that it was a troll chapter (like when Eren screams 'NOOOOOOO' or when Levi appears). Actually, the first hint was Jean saying 'I'd like to challenge that claim' when Eren's doing his whole 'I-love-Mikasa-more-than-anyone' rant and then Sasha is all 'this is ridiculous!'.
Even so, I figured the best way to make it up to you all was to publish the next (and true this time, I swear!) chapter as soon as I could! And make it an overall happy one, at least towards the end. I guess all I'll say is this: relax, and read. Nobody dies in this chapter. I hope you enjoy it!
Warning: All previous warnings regarding spoiler alerts apply. To all of you who read the fake April Fool's chapter that was the previous one, titled 'Lies'; you can forget about everything in that and pretend it didn't happen. Though this one stays true to that one up till about halfway through the part after the first page break. Thereafter it does deviate.
EDIT: (IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ) - I realized that I messed up the skinned/skinless Titan thing completely last chapter since I mentioned that Annie and Reiner were skinned, when they clearly are NOT. Nobody picked it up thankfully (or was too kind to notice it or too shocked by my later trolling to care) but I feel really stupid and embarrassed now, haha. Luckily it was a troll chapter anyways, so it doesn't matter, though I have fixed that bit in this chapter!
Losing Control
Chapter 9: Truth
Eren stared at the site in front of him, waves of shock and disbelief washing over him like waterfalls. The remnants of the cottage - just chunks of wood - were burning in the dancing flames, the aftermath of an explosion that had proved deadlier than a Titan attack.
How? Who? And where are the others - Levi-heichou, Jean, Connie, Sasha - did they make it out?! They had to have!
"Eren! Mikasa!"
Eren snapped his head up at Connie's voice, and felt another jolt of surprise, coupled with his relief. Connie, Jean and Sasha were there - unscathed - but they were accompanied by the no other than Bertholdt and Reiner.
"You guys are okay!" Sasha cried. "Oh, thank goodness!"
"How did you - what - who -" Eren turned from them, and then to Armin and Annie, unable to vocalize his discombobulated thoughts.
"What is the meaning of all of this?" It was Mikasa who finally spoke, her voice sharp and cutting.
"We'll explain everything," Armin said. "But first you need to follow us."
"Follow you where exactly?"
"The woods, obviously. Unless you want to stand around here and wait for the Military Police to come once the smoke dies down and they begin scouting the perimeters for signs of your bodies." It was Annie who spoke this time, her voice cool, as if nothing had changed between any of them since their last encounter.
The time when she and Reiner tried to kill Mikasa, Eren remembered, his blood boiling with rage.
"The fuck we'll go anywhere with you!" he shouted, standing up and drawing his blades. "I'll kill you before I - "
"Eren, no!" Armin threw himself between Eren and Annie, spreading his arms out, as Annie just watched, unimpressed. Armin's voice was pleading. "Eren, I know you don't trust them, but trust me. This is the best option for now. You can sort out everything else later, but for now, let it go. For my sake, if nothing."
Eren breathed heavily, glancing over at Mikasa who nodded, getting to her feet. The sound of faint hoofbeats and shouts filled the air.
"They're coming!" Armin cried fearfully. "Quick, into the woods!"
"Wait! I'm not leaving without Levi-heichou!"
"Eren, there's no time!"
"What if he was injured in the explosion? We have to get him out before they find him!"
The sounds grew louder. It was clear that their attackers - the Military Police, if Annie's words were to be trusted - were drawing close.
"Eren, please!" Armin's voice was shrill, panicky. "If we're caught, everything is done for! We have to trust that Levi-heichou escaped somehow - "
"I won't - " Eren began, but then it was Mikasa who took his wrist.
"Come on, Eren. We should listen to Armin. He's always been right about these things, and smarter than the both of us."
"What about Levi-heichou?! Mikasa, you can't just be okay with hoping that he'll somehow make it out of this mess!"
Mikasa hesitated. "He - he's strong. If he can take down fifty Titans, a couple dozen soldiers won't be a problem for him."
"Search the woods!" a gruff voice was heard calling. "Just to be sure!"
"Eren, if you get us all killed here, I will kill you!" Jean growled. "Let's go!"
Once they were deep inside the woods, a safe distance away from any scouts the Military Police could send, Eren wrenched his arm free of Mikasa's hold, bringing his thumb to his lips.
"Explain," he snarled. "And it better be good, or I won't hesitate to transform and kill all three of you myself."
"You do realize you're in the company of three Titan-shifters, don't you?" Annie asked him. "And last I remember, you could barely hold your ground against one."
"Annie, you'll be the one to die first."
"Break it up, the both of you!" Armin cried, acting as peacemaker once again. "Transforming will only alert the Military Police of our presence, and that's the last thing we need!"
"Why the hell are the Military Police even here?" Jean demanded. "How did they find us? How did you find us? Our location was supposed to be secret!"
"I have no idea how they found out," Reiner admitted. "We only found out from them."
"So you are working with them!" Eren shouted. "I knew it! Fucking murderers, the lot of you!"
"Calm the fuck down. I never said that."
"Then how?!"
"We have spies. One of our close allies is a spy in the Military Police. That's where we get the information from."
"That's convenient. I want details!"
"Eren," Armin interrupted. "There's a possibility that they used trackers on you, trackers which may still be functioning. Do any of you have anything on you that doesn't belong to you? Or that you received in the last few days? There's even a possibility that they hijacked your supply carts."
"They put trackers in our food?!" Sasha wailed, looking terrified. "I ate a lot of that stuff!"
"Not inside your food, that's highly unlikely," Armin said. "But did you receive any gear, or clothes?"
"The letters," Jean said suddenly.
"Huh?"
"It makes sense now. I knew it was too good to be true." His voice was sour.
"Jean, what are you talking about?"
"Today morning, Mikasa and I received letters asking us to join the Military Police. Erwin-danchou had them delivered with our supplies. Now I understand why they were so generous with their terms and conditions; they probably didn't expect us to live long enough to see them through."
"That must be it then." Armin nodded. "Makes sense. The only reason they would want you back within Wall Sina is for your heads. You're not carrying those letter with you right now by any chance, are you?"
Jean shook his head. "I'm surprised that Erwin-danchou didn't consider that possibility though, when he got them delivered to us."
"I'm sure he has a lot of other stuff on his plate right now."
"What now?" Eren growled. "What do we do about Levi-heichou? We have no idea where he is, if he's injured, if they captured him, or what. And Armin, what happened since you were kidnapped? Why the hell are you siding with these bastards anyways? Are they threatening you?"
"They're not threatening me Eren," Armin said patiently. "I'm with them because I heard their story and what they had to say. It didn't explain everything, but it explained a lot."
"How do you know they aren't lying their asses off? Some of them are particularly good at acting." Eren shot Reiner and Bertholdt a dirty look. "Moreover, where are Ymir and Christa? Weren't they a part of the traitor group?"
"They showed me some things that convinced me that their story was true," Armin said simply. "You'll have to see it too, to believe us. As for Ymir and Christa, they're back at the village."
"By village I suppose you mean their village?" Jean asked, gesturing at Annie, Reiner and Bertholdt. Armin nodded.
"So what now?" Connie asked. "We've lost Levi-heichou and have no way to contact Erwin-danchou."
"Take us to your 'village' then," Eren said. "If what Armin says is true and you really do have some sort of magical explanation for all of the hundreds and thousands of people you've killed, tell us whatever story it is you claim to have. Take us to your village and show us your 'proof'. If it convinced Armin, maybe it will convince us."
I really have no fucking clue what we should do right now, but if their village is full of Titan-shifters, there is a chance that if we go there, we'll be able to meet 'The Goddess' who my father was referring to in the letter. And she'll be able to arrange a meeting with my father!
"First things first," Reiner said, his tone suddenly business-like. "Eren, we can't allow you into our village as you are. It would be too dangerous."
"What do you mean?" Eren demanded.
"Your Titan form. You still don't have perfect control over it."
"Of course I do! Stop trying to make excuses to keep me from your pathetic village if that's what you're doing!"
"That's not what we're trying to do at all," Annie cut in. "In case the last few attempted kidnaps haven't made our purpose quite clear to you, I'll state it more explicitly: we want you to come with us. That's what we've been wanting from the start."
"If only you hadn't resisted our attempts and come along nicely the first couple of times," Reiner added. "Would have saved us a lot of trouble." He shot a look at Mikasa, and waved his arm. "And pain. Thanks for that."
"I was aiming for your head," she replied coldly. "I wonder, would that have regenerated quite as nicely?"
"Don't know and don't plan to find out."
"So then why can't you allow me in now?" Eren asked. "What do you mean I don't have perfect control? My last few transformations, I've been in control."
"Can you harden?" Annie asked bluntly. "Into crystal. Can you do that?"
"N-no."
"That means your control isn't perfect," she said simply.
"What?!"
"If you haven't noticed, there are two types of Titan-shifters, skinless and skinned," Bertholdt explained. "I'm skinless, as are Annie and Reiner. But you and Ymir are both skinned."
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!"
"The description is as the name suggests, and even within our forms we have obvious differences in size. However, there is one ability that both types of Titan shifters may possess regardless of their physical appearance, an ability that goes beyond simple regeneration. And that is the hardening ability. Think of it as an ability to selectively or entirely regenerate your cells at such a high speed that the intensity and heat caused by the cells as they split and fuse results in the formation of a crystal covering, rather than the skin or muscle which is formed through normal regeneration. That is the ability known as hardening or crystallization. You've seen Annie do it. Reiner is actually the most proficient at it in that he can incorporate it into his transformation every time he shifts, which is why his form is Armored." "
"But I can't - "
"Can't do it yet," Bertholdt finished for Eren. "Which means that you haven't completely mastered your Titan form. Being able to harden your body into crystal is the most difficult of all potential Titan shifter abilities to master. Since you still can't do it, it means you don't have full control over your form, and in such a state, we cannot allow you to enter our village. It would endanger everyone."
"Who made you the judge of that?" Eren shot back. "Besides, you only spoke of Annie and Reiner! But I've never seen you harden! Or Ymir for that matter!"
"Ymir and Bertholdt cannot harden," Annie said.
"Well, neither can I!" Eren yelled. "Stop bullshitting me! How is it okay to let them into your damn village if they can't but it's not okay for me - "
"Let me rephrase that. What I meant is, it is impossible for Ymir and Bertholdt to harden, at this moment. However, it is possible for you to harden. You are merely incapable, and that is because of your own shortcomings."
"Which means that though their control may be imperfect," Reiner continued before Eren could start yelling again, "though I highly doubt that - yours is definitely imperfect. And in such a state we cannot allow you to enter our village."
"What the - how the fuck do you know it's even possible for me to harden?" Eren shot back. "Maybe it's impossible for me too! Maybe my form is like Ymir and Bertholdt!"
"There's a condition you have to fulfill," Annie said quietly. "Only shifters who have fulfilled that condition possess the hardening ability."
"Annie and I have fulfilled it," Reiner added, his expression darkening. "Bertholdt and Ymir haven't."
"What's this condition now?" Eren growled. "You're going around in circles! Just spit it out already!"
"You must have eaten someone blood-related to you when in Titan form."
You must have eaten someone blood-related to you when in Titan form. Annie's verbs reverberated in Eren's head, though he had to process them a couple times for the meaning to actually sink in.
"You - you're joking, right?" Eren choked out.
"I'm not," Annie said in a steely voice. "I wish I was."
"That - that can't be - "
"I ate my father."
"You - you - " Eren stared at her in shock, feeling the bile rise in his throat.
"Reiner ate someone who was family as well. It's seems to be the only way to attain the hardening ability. Their blood mixes with yours, some of your blood cells absorb some of theirs, and it changes something, causes some kind of reaction. That's all the detail I know about the technical process. Dealing with it in reality is much worse. The pain and guilt you feel when you kill a loved one... the memory of their tears and their pleas as they beg you to spare them... having to live with that terrible knowledge and recollection throughout your life - it's far worse than any possible kind of physical torture."
Annie's voice was strangely monotonic as she narrated the process, though on closer look, her light blue eyes were covered with a sheen of moisture. She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing.
"After you kill them, the trauma is often enough to drive you mad, whether in human form or Titan. You could go on a rampage, you could end up killing yourself, you could end up eating another hundred innocent people. But if you somehow manage to control it and deal with the fear and pain without going crazy... then that is a testament that you truly have control over yourself, and your Titan form. And for that kind of control, you need to harden your heart. Lock away your emotions, become a feelingless and callous human being. And once you've rid yourself of emotion and hardened your heart, you can materialize that hardness into a physical entity once in Titan form. All you have to do is remember the cries of the person you ate - the family you killed - and the moment in which you ate them... somehow, if you remember that instant, the hardening process occurs instantaneously thereafter."
There was another long silence following Annie's explanation, until Reiner broke it with a rather poor attempt at a joke. "Explains why Annie is such a cold, hard ice bitch, right guys? She really does have ice for a heart. Or maybe crystal would be a better word."
Annie glared at him, but Reiner ignored her, going on.
"Okay, that was a joke, albeit a bad one. We aren't actually heartless. If anything, it's because we have hearts that we can feel the guilt and the pain. But I guess, it does take a lot of suppression of emotions too, at least initially, once you're fresh off the kill."
"You people are crazy," Connie finally burst out. "Absolutely fucking crazy. I don't even know if I can believe this!"
"And if that's the case, how much of an asshole are you, Reiner?" Jean shouted. "You're always fucking in that hardened armor."
Reiner's voice was tight when he replied. "Annie mentioned I ate someone who was family. I never actually told her or Bertholdt the truth."
"What are you talking about?" Annie asked sharply.
"I - I told you I ate my younger brother, right?" Reiner was shaking. "That was a lie. I used to have - I used to have two younger brothers. And - and three younger - sisters too..."
"...you people are monsters," Jean said finally. "Fucking monsters! How can you even live with yourself after that?!"
"We didn't do it on purpose!" Reiner's voice cracked. "It was my first transformation! I had no control over myself! I didn't realize what the hell I was doing until it was too late - and it was only after I shifted back - that I - that I - " He hung his head, unable to continue.
"Look, there's no point getting into all of this again!" Bertholdt cried, sounding slightly hysterical. "The past is the past. Now it's Eren's turn."
"Wait," Jean cut in. "We were all around when Eren transformed for the first time. And someone or the other has always been around him during all of his transformations. He's definitely fucked shit up badly in that form, but as per my knowledge, he hasn't eaten anyone. Has he?"
Jean turned to Mikasa for confirmation, and she shook her head, immediately speaking up. "Eren has never eaten a single person and would never think of it, no matter how out of control he was."
"Perhaps there is a chance that he transformed at a time when you weren't with him?" Bertholdt suggested, sounding uneasy.
"Even if I did," Eren said, his voice deadly soft, and his eyes were burning with rage. "I've never had anyone blood-related to me around. My mother was eaten by Titans, and I haven't seen my father in years."
Reiner made a move to speak, but Armin shot him a warning glance, shaking his head. Reiner let out a frustrated sigh, raking a hand through his short-cropped blond hair. "We're never going to get anywhere at this rate!"
"Why does it even matter?" Mikasa asked. "Isn't that enough proof that Eren doesn't possess the hardening ability? Given that, him not being able to do it is no indication of a lack of control, so he shouldn't pose a threat. Unless there's something more to it that you're not telling us."
"I have a proposition," Armin said quickly, before things could get more heated. "I think we should make for the hole in Wall Maria."
The entire group looked taken aback. "Why would we go there?" Eren asked, confused. "I mean - it was my original intention. But given I don't possess the hardening ability, what's the point?"
"It's on the way to the village. And even if you can't do it, Annie or Reiner could do it for you without too much trouble!" Both Annie and Reiner looked ready to retort at that, but Armin continued earnestly. "Take it as a sign of goodwill, for you trusting us and accompanying us."
Eren crossed his eyes, his eyebrows jutting down. "This doesn't change anything, you know. It won't justify the fact that Reiner and Bertholdt broke the wall before and killed thousands of people."
"Nobody's trying to justify anything," Reiner muttered. "But I'll agree to Armin's idea. Let's get a move on, we've wasted enough time here already!"
They managed to reach Wall Rose by dawn, sticking mainly to the forested areas and avoiding any villages. Luckily, the hideout Erwin had chosen was already in a rather isolated region, so they didn't encounter any unwanted company. The next stage of the journey was the more worrying one, however, since the entire stretch between Wall Rose and Wall Maria was infested with Titans. Both Eren and Mikasa knew this - they had risked the journey once - but at that time, Mikasa had been in top fighting condition and Levi had been with them as well; two of humanity's strongest. Eren knew that Annie, Bertholdt and Reiner were likely just as dangerous, and that Jean, Sasha and Connie were also formidable in their own right - but he still couldn't shake off the uneasiness. He didn't trust any of them the way he trusted Mikasa and Levi.
Though Armin's company was reassuring, Eren had the nagging feeling that Armin was hiding something important from them, something that went beyond the secret that Reiner and the others were going to show them at the village. To add to that, Armin's apparent closeness to the Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie - Eren's sworn enemies - made him extremely uncomfortable.
He's acting like he's forgiven them. Almost like he's friends with them again, Eren thought bitterly as he watched Armin smile weakly at a joke that Reiner had cracked. It made Eren sick.
Jean, for once, seemed to voice the same sentiments as him. "What's up with Armin?" he asked in a low voice, when the others were occupied. "Don't tell me he's turned traitor too."
"I don't know," Eren admitted. "Those fuckers..."
"Will you forgive them?" Jean asked. "If whatever secret they reveal to us is - I don't know, life-changing even. Will you forgive them?"
Pleading cries. 'Eren, run! Take Mikasa and run! Save yourself!'
A hand reaching out, a struggling figure. Teeth clamping shut, blood raining down.
"No," Eren said, gritting his teeth. "I'm going with it all for now because I think it's the only way to learn the truth. Once I do though, I'm going to have my revenge on them."
"That's good." Jean sounded satisfied. "I won't be alone then."
Eren turned sideways, looking at him.
"Marco," Jean said after a long moment. "Bertholdt broke the wall that time. If he hadn't, Marco would still be alive. I don't care what his reason was, his actions still led to the death of my best friend."
Eren nodded. "I wasn't as close to him as you were, but I really liked Marco. We'll get our revenge for him. For him and all the others. Just not yet."
Jean grunted in agreement, and they stood there in silence watching the rising sun. Below them, a couple slumbering forms of Titans began stirring with the coming daylight.
Eren felt a familiar jolt of hatred - before he swallowed his feelings, dread rising up within him.
Those aren't just Titans. They're people. Or they were people, once. Innocent people, like Connie's mother. People like my mother...
Eren wondered which was a worse fate: to be eaten by a Titan, or to turn into a Titan forever condemned to eat others.
It's worse for Annie and Reiner. I know what it's like to lose control, and I know how I felt after what I did to Mikasa. If they really went through that... Eren shuddered. He couldn't imagine what the two of them had gone through.
Still, now is not the time to sympathize. First, we need to get to their damn village and find out whatever secret it is they're hiding from us! I want an explanation for all of this fucking bullshit, an explanation as to why thousands of people including my own mother had to die!
"We should get moving again," Reiner said after awhile.
"Are you crazy?!" Sasha shrieked. "It's daylight and we don't even have horses! If we can't outrun the Titans we should at least wait till nightfall when they're inactive."
"We can outrun them though," Reiner said. "If Annie, Eren and I transform and take you guys on our shoulders, we can easily sprint through. Those guys are stupid, and they wouldn't be able to run fast enough."
"It's still suicidal," Jean said. "I'm not taking that risk, nor am I willing to bet my life on your endurance or speed."
"There aren't that many of them crowded around this part of the wall, since it's not close to human civilization, which is where they naturally gravitate," Bertholdt said. "And we are all well-rested. With you lot on 3DMG and the three of us transformed, it's quite reasonable."
"Besides, time is of essence," Reiner added. "We can't afford to wait around on the wall till it gets dark. There's a possibility that the Military Police will send out a search force and if they do, the first place they'll do if they have any sense is check the perimeter of Wall Rose."
"Eren," Mikasa said under her breath, so that only he could hear. "We can probably make it. If there's a problem, you could always control them again."
"I don't even know if I can do that sort of thing," Eren muttered back. "Though if it comes to it... I won't have a choice. Still, I wanted to keep that ability a secret from them."
"What are you two talking about?" Armin asked, sidling up to them.
"Armin, you're riding with me," Eren said. "On my shoulder, I mean. I'm not letting you ditch me and Mikasa again for those assholes."
Armin gave him a genuine smile, though there was a hint of pain in his eyes. "Of course." He turned to Mikasa. "What about you though? Maybe Eren should carry you in his mouth, just to be safe?"
"No thank you," Mikasa said immediately. "I think once was quite enough. I'll be fine on his shoulder. Or head."
Eren blushed slightly, remembering the fact that he had basically carried Mikasa in his mouth (and probably slobbered all over her in the process) though Armin looked surprised. "Really? When was that?!"
"You missed out on quite a lot of stuff, Armin," was all Eren said. "Come on."
They transformed immediately after making it off the wall. Eren took Mikasa and Armin, Annie took Sasha and Connie, and Reiner took Bertholdt and Jean. The three transformed shifters started sprinting ahead immediately. A couple of Titans began lumbering towards them, eerie grins stretched across their faces.
Eren glanced to his side - Annie and Reiner kept running, ignoring the incoming Titans. Jean, Sasha and Connie however, had all stopped in the middle of drawing their blades, and were staring at the incoming Titans, pain and horror written across their faces.
They don't want to kill them anymore either, not after what Connie told us, Eren realized. None of us do! Damnit!
The Titans were nearing them. Eren figured that if it came to it, he could probably beat them up or incapacitate them, giving their group enough time to run away.
They'll regenerate anyways, so as long as I don't get their necks, Eren thought. Still, I don't want to do this! Stupid fuckers! I don't want to kill you! I don't want to waste my energy fighting you either! Why can't you just stay the hell away from us?!
And then suddenly the two Titans stopped in their tracks. They stared at Eren for a few seconds, before turning around and trudging away.
"What the - " Eren heard Armin cry out, shock coloring his voice. Both Annie and Bertholdt seemed taken aback as well, pausing for a few moments before they picked up their pace again. "How did that happen?!" Armin was saying. "Did you see that?! They just ran away!"
Eren glanced at Connie and Sasha worriedly, but fortunately, both of them were astute enough not to spill his secret. Jean remained completely emotionless, though he nodded curtly at Eren.
"Eren?" Armin tapped on his cheek. "Eren... did you..." He broke off, shaking his head. "Ah, nevermind."
Thereafter, Eren found the journey almost ridiculously easy. All he had to do was will the Titans to stay away from him. Stay away, stay away, stay away, he repeated in his head incessantly, like a mantra. His thoughts seemed to have projected outwards; there was one incident when they spotted an abnormal running around in circles with its arms flailing - but other than that, every single other Titan seemed to have taken Eren's words to heart and had distanced themselves from him. Within the time it took them to reach Wall Maria, not a single Titan crossed their path.
If Annie or Reiner noted anything weird about this, they didn't comment, as they climbed out of their Titan bodies and began scaling the wall. The others followed suit, Eren carrying Mikasa on his back. With her arm in a plaster and splint, her maneuverability was even more impaired than before.
He recalled another time, not so long ago, when they had been scaling down the very same wall, but it had been him who had to be carried by Levi-heichou.
Oh, how the tables have turned... I really hope heichou is alright though. Eren voiced the latter thought to Mikasa.
"Hm?" she murmured. "Levi-heichou..."
"Aren't you worried about him?"
"I am."
"He'll have made it out somehow, right? He has to have."
"He's alive, Eren." Mikasa sighed. "Stop worrying."
"How do you know?"
"He - he has to be. I won't accept anything else." Her voice trembled slightly, but Eren was too engrossed in his own thoughts to notice. They walked along the parameter of Wall Maria, resting at times in the middle. The hours seemed to melt by, and eventually, a familiar sight drew near.
They were back at Shiganshina.
"I don't get the point of this," Reiner said under his voice, so that only Armin, Annie and Bertholdt could hear him. "Sealing it up would be as easy as breaking it down again. Why are we wasting time here?"
"Yes, Armin. Please do explain your master plan." Annie crossed her arms.
"You know when Eren transforms, her has two modes, right," Armin said. "The one where he knows what he's doing and is in control of his actions. And the berserker mode."
"All shifters go through that for their first couple of years," Bertholdt said. "From what they've said, he's getting better, but if he can't crystallize then -"
"He can't crystallize because he can't remember," Armin clarified. "His memory of the entire incident with his father was blurry and he had no idea about what actually transpired. However, if we consider what he wrote on the ground with that stick, it means that in his Titan form, he is able to recall the memories. So he hasn't lost them, they are there, he just needs to remember."
"And how do you propose we do that?"
"I think - I think that now since we're here in his home town, in Shiganshina, it would be easier for him to remember. So far he's only been able to recall it in berserker mode, when the Titan takes over completely. That would be too dangerous for us though, and we need him to remember in his human or controlled form so that he can crystallize and seal up the wall."
"Alright." Reiner nodded approvingly. "Makes sense, I'll give you that. Why make him seal up the wall though?"
Armin fidgeted, looking rather uncomfortable. "I - I understand what you said about humanity being - doomed, and all of that. And I know that you're fully capable of breaking down the wall again - but you won't, right?"
"Not for now," Reiner said. "If it's not necessary, why would I? I told you, I'm not a sadist. I don't enjoy making people suffer."
"We wouldn't act without further instruction," Bertholdt said earnestly. "We only did those things because there was no other option!"
"I really don't want to get into that argument with you right now," Armin replied. "But like Reiner said earlier, you can break it down easily enough if you wanted to. So technically, sealing it up doesn't negatively affect any of your plans."
"Not really." Reiner shrugged. "What's your point?"
"My point is that even if the people behind those walls are doomed to suffer, even if their lives as they are have a certain time limit... why ruin the few years they have to live with other issues like food shortages and poverty? At least let them live comfortably, or as comfortably as they can, for the time they have!" Armin's eyes were wide, his voice desperate. "I hate this entire situation in and I feel like the sickest traitor in the world! But it's in our power to do this one thing for those people behind the walls. You all have lived there before, you know how messed up the situation is. Please, if we can help them, even if it's only for awhile, let's do what we can!"
Bertholdt, Reiner and Annie all exchanged uncertain looks, and finally, it was Annie who spoke.
"I'll agree to this," she said, her eyes locking with Armin's. "Only because it benefits us as well as you. If Eren can crystallize after remembering, it would be safe to take him to our village. Frankly, I don't concern myself with the humans behind the wall, and their suffering. Call me a bitch, but I stopped caring about anyone but myself awhile ago. But you're right, it doesn't come in the way of our plans. So for your sake, I'll go with it for now."
Armin's face darkened at her words, but he nodded. "Thank you."
Shiganshina, as they had last left it, had been nearly overrun by Titans, and they had just managed to escape with Levi-heichou's help. Eren had lost both of his limbs in the process when Mikasa had been forced to slice his body out of his Titan form. This time, however, it seemed that they wouldn't be encountering such risks. There were a couple of Titans mulling around the wrecked village, but as they scaled down the wall, Eren's furious mental commands seemed enough to keep them at bay.
"Well, here we are." Armin pointed to the gaping break in the wall. "Time to seal that up."
Eren looked over expectantly at Annie and Reiner, but neither of them made a move. Finally, Eren turned to Armin.
"What - "
"Eren, why don't you give it a try?"
Eren stared at him, aghast. "What the hell are you talking about, Armin! I haven't fulfilled the conditions to crystallize, remember?!"
Armin's expression was full of self-loathing and disgust, but he forced himself to meet Eren's eyes. "That isn't true, Eren. You have."
"What the fuck are you saying?! I don't even have an family members left, damn you! You know that! Why would you bring this up!"
"Remember, Eren. I know it hurts, but please, for the sake of humanity, remember."
"Remember what?! My mother was fucking eaten, Armin! In front of my own eyes! And my father - I haven't seen him since - since - " Eren broke off, his face suddenly going white.
"Since?" Armin prodded.
"I - I don't know - it's - been - well he travels a lot - you see - "
"Eren." Armin hung his head, his voice trembling and tears leaking out of his eyes. "I'm really, really sorry. But you have to remember it."
"Remember - what exactly?" Eren's voice was deadly calm.
"Eren... your father isn't traveling. The reason you haven't seen him in years is because he's no longer alive."
"No..."
"Armin, stop!" Mikasa ran over to Eren's shaking form, touching his shoulder gently before glaring at Armin. "What the hell is wrong with you?! How can you say such things to him?!"
Armin ignored her, gulping, and forced himself to meet Eren's tortured, questioning eyes.
"Eren. The first time you transformed, you lost control... and you ate your father."
The first time you transformed, you lost control... and you ate your father.
You lost control... and you ate your father.
You ate your father.
You ate your father.
You ate your father.
Armin's words echoed in his head, and Eren felt like the very life had been sucked out of him.
He's lying. He's lying. I didn't do that. I wouldn't do that. You're a liar, Armin. A liar. A liar.
Eren clenched his fists, his fingernails digging into his skin.
I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. He's alive. He's alive.
Memories flashed through his brain. A basement. A syringe. A pleading face. A key.
'Eren... see this key? Be sure to keep it on your person at all times. And whenever you see it... remember!'
'It is indispensable that you go to the basement!'
'With this injection you will experience a loss of memory. That's why I can't explain anything right now.'
Tears streaming down a man's face, desperate green eyes. A prick, an injection, and then blood. Lots of blood. Pain. Destruction.
'Eren! No! Eren, stop! Please - '
Cries and pleas, a face willed with unimaginable terror. Glasses falling to the floor, shattering. A man's body, struggling between his fingers.
'Eren! Eren! I'm your father! I - '
The crunch of flesh and bones between his teeth. The taste of human blood for the first time.
Eren felt like his head was going to burst. His fingernails broke into his skin, drawing blood and -
BOOM!
The familiar exploding sound, and steam, lots of steam.
The next few minutes were complete chaos. Eren had transformed, and he was most certainly in his berserker mode. He roared and screamed, rampaging around the demolished town.
"Stay away from him!" Armin shouted, and it took him and Annie both to restrain a struggling Mikasa.
"What have you done?!" she shrieked. "Let me go to him! How could you?!"
"Don't be stupid, Mikasa!" Jean yelled. "Haven't you learned your fucking lesson! He'll kill anyone who even approaches him!"
Jean's words proved true; Eren's fury had triggered a transformation that rendered him incapable of whatever mind control abilities he had displayed in his controlled form. Attracted by the scent of a new enemy and no longer kept away by his commands, the few Titans that were in the village began closing in upon Eren.
"Should we transform?" Reiner asked Armin. "Should we transform and hold him down?"
"No." Armin shook his head. "The state he's in, he might even be able to kill you. Jean, Connie, Sasha, Bertholdt, Reiner. Be ready to take the incoming Titans on with 3DMG if needed but don't - "
Armin stopped mid-sentence, however. Clearly, Eren didn't need any sort of protection. Within seconds, he had torn the head of one Titan off and had now proceeded to attack the other one. His bloodlust fueled his power, but made him all the more terrifying, as he stamped the dissolving, steaming Titan carcass into the ground, intent on delivering as much damage as he could.
"Let him kill them," Annie said. "Let him have an outlet for his rage. We're fine as long as we stay out of his sight."
"What if the Titan form sucks him in?!" Mikasa cried hysterically. "He was dangerously close to it last time he transformed! What if he can't turn back - "
"Mikasa, at this point there is nothing any of us can do!" Bertholdt cried. "We just have to trust that he'll come back to his own senses and that his humanity will win over! All we can do is stay out of his sight so that he doesn't kill us!"
And at that moment, tears began running down Mikasa's face as she began sobbing in earnest. The others stared at her in shock. She wasn't one to display such raw emotion in open.
A few meters away, Eren was doing the same, an animalistic yet obvious pain in his eyes as he roared out his angst to the world, tearing at his hair. He continued his rampage, nearing closer and closer to the half-destroyed shed where they were hiding. Mikasa was still crying for him, Eren's pain reflected in her eyes.
"Mikasa, quiet!" Armin hissed fearfully. "He'll hear you!"
It was too late. Eren's head whipped up, his sharp ears having caught onto the sounds of her sobs. His eyes flashed dangerously and in one bound, he had reached their hiding place, swiping the roof off of their heads with his hand.
Reiner and Annie bought their hands to their mouths, ready to transform, and Bertholdt and Jean launched themselves off the ground with their 3DMGs, swinging around Eren's head with their blades drawn. Eren swatted them away like flies, his hand shooting out at a lightning speed. Before Reiner and Annie could manage their transformations, before anyone could even register what had happening, Mikasa was once again, in Eren's grasp.
"NO!" Jean shouted, struggling to his feet and rushing forwards. "NO! I WON'T LET YOU - "
But then something in Eren's face changed, and his eyes, initially burning with an uncontrollable and pain-filled craze, softened.
"E-Eren," Mikasa whispered, reaching out to touch his face. "I'm so - so sorry."
And then Eren cradled her to him, as the others watched on in a stunned silence, Annie and Reiner's hands falling limply to their sides. Eren roared out again, but this time, it wasn't accompanied by any destructive acts of violence.
"He - he did it," Connie gasped. "He really - "
"Eren!" Armin shouted. "Eren, the gap in Wall Maria! You have to seal it!"
Eren stared at him and then turned to the wall, before jumping up and sprinting towards it. He set Mikasa gently on the ground, and she nodded up at him. "You can do it, Eren. I believe in you."
Eren positioned himself in front of the gap, his front pressed up against it so that his back and neck were left open. He let out one last blood-curling roar, and then there was a flash of light.
An enormous sheet of crystal extended from Eren's body and filled the hole, tendrils of crystal branching outwards onto the stone.
"It's done!" Reiner yelled. "Cut him out now!"
There was no need, however. Only half of Eren's form, the front half that was facing the wall, was encapsulated in the crystal. A few seconds later, Eren's human form had pulled itself out of the open Titan neck, just as it began dissolving away, leaving a large, Titan-shaped dent in the otherwise smooth crystal covering.
Eren collapsed to the ground, and Mikasa rushed towards him, wrapping her arms around him. His green eyes were tortured, his face streaming with tears.
"Mi-Mikasa?" he croaked, immediately recognizing the girl holding him.
"I'm here, Eren," she cooed. "It's alright. You did it. You crystallized and you sealed the gap. You were amazing, and it's going to be alright."
He shook his head though. "It's never - going to be - alright anymore," he managed, his voice barely a whisper, before he drifted off into unconsciousness.
When Eren awoke, an entire day later, he didn't say a word to anyone. He nodded and shook his head in response to all of Armin's frantic questions, though there was a dullness in his usually intense eyes, as if all their light had been snuffed out of them.
He ignored everyone completely, choosing to sit by himself and eat his meal in silence, as they made camp that night on the edge of the wall that encircled Shiganshina, looking out into the outside world. Even when Mikasa approached him, he turned away from her. After her incessant pestering, he finally did speak once, his eyes overflowing with sadness.
"Please, Mikasa. Just leave me alone."
Mikasa did, walking away, and for the next day her countenance was similar to Eren's; just as sullen and quiet as they made their way towards the mysterious village.
They made their way down the wall and walked across the wide, grassy plains, passing through forests with gnarled tries and gushing rivers - unfamiliar territory to most of them - their first steps outside the walls they had been trapped within their whole lives.
Sasha and Connie were indescribably excited, running around and pointing to every little thing.
"Look at that flower!" Sasha squealed, plucking a pale-blue lily with indigo veins. "Those certainly don't grow inside the wall!"
"The air smells different hear, doesn't it?" Connie commented, taking a hearty whiff. "It's much fresher, I think."
Jean was clearly in higher spirits as well, his eyes darting around, soaking in the new scenery. He was much less vocal about his thoughts though, preoccupied with worry about Mikasa's depressed state.
Armin eventually did attempt at cheering up his old friends, his voice wavering as he approached Eren who was walking by himself, a little away from the group, Mikasa trailing behind him.
"So we finally made it, huh guys?" Armin offered a weak smile. "We're out of the wall together. The three of us, just like we'd always talked about."
There was no response, from neither Eren nor Mikasa.
"A-aren't you even a little bit happy? I know - I know a lot's happened, but we're outside the walls! We - we're finally free!"
Still no response.
"Eren!" Armin shook his best friend. "We can see the rest of the world now! We're free to -"
"Armin," Eren finally deigned to respond, his voice strangely far-off and cold. "I don't care anymore."
"We can't take him to our village the way he is," Reiner said that night when they had stopped, once again, to rest. They had picked a forest again, this one half way up the mountainside that they had began trekking up earlier that day. "He refuses to talk to anyone, including you and Mikasa. How can we expect him to listen to what we have to say?"
"He'll come around," Armin promised. "Just give him time."
"We don't have time," Reiner snapped. "We'll be at the village by tomorrow evening. He needs to be more receptive by then."
"Can you blame him, though?! He's just had to remember and relive the most traumatic experience of his life! I feel like such shit putting him through that!"
"You didn't have a choice," Annie told Armin. "And I understand what Eren's going through better than any of you would. I went through the same thing."
"Why don't you try talking to him then?!"
"He wouldn't listen to a word I had to say to him even if I did."
"He won't talk to me either! Not that I blame him! I was supposed to be his best friend, and yet I practically betrayed him in a way, setting him up like that!"
"Now's not the time for you to drown yourself in guilt, Armin," Reiner said. "Heaven knows, if we did that, we'd never get anything done. You did what you had to. But this is urgent."
"I think they're getting suspicious too," Bertholdt added. "Sasha is too entranced by everything she sees, but Jean and Connie were both asking me why we haven't sighted any Titans yet. If we don't give them answers soon, they're going to start being difficult."
"I - I'll tell Mikasa to try talking to him again. If anyone can convince him, it's her."
"Eren."
Eren stared straight ahead with glassy eyes, ignoring the girl in front of him.
"Eren!"
Eren looked up glumly. "What do you want?"
"Let's go for a walk," Mikasa said, extender her hand out to him. Eren didn't take it. "Eren! Come on!"
Eren sighed, shaking his head, his eyes filled with regret. "Mikasa, I'm sorry, but I told you before. I want to be left alone. Please go away."
"And I've told you before to stop trying to push me away!" Mikasa retorted, her eyes flashing. "I know what this is about, Eren. You think that you're a danger to me, so you're keeping your distance. It didn't work last time, and it sure won't work this time either!"
Eren refused to meet her gaze, burying his face into his hands. "Just go away," he mumbled. "Leave me alone."
"Come with me," Mikasa pleaded. "Just this once. I want to show you something. I'll leave you alone after that, if that's what you want."
Eren stood up, not taking the hand that was extended to him, and instead shoving his hands into his pockets. He nodded at her though, and followed her as she made her way out of their campsite.
Eren and Mikasa walked in silence through the woods for a few minutes. The trees around them were thinning, and there was a strange scent in the air - something rather salty. If Eren noticed it at all, he didn't bother to comment. Soon, an unfamiliar sloshing noise filled the air; the sound of splashing and an incessant, rhythmic pounding that got steadily louder as they made their way out of the forest.
"What - is that?" Eren asked, tensing up.
Mikasa gave him a reassuring smile. "Nothing to worry about," she said gently. They had reached the edge of the forest, and the thunderous splashing sound was much louder, the scent and smell of salt in the air now unmistakeable.
"Close your eyes," Mikasa whispered to Eren, and he hesitated for a moment, before obliging. Mikasa reached out and took his hand; he didn't pull away this time, though his fingers were limp in hers, as she led him across the grass, before stopping, and sitting down. She tugged on his hand, and Eren sat down next to her. "There. You - you can open your eyes now."
He did.
Eren's emerald eyes widened, his mouth opening slightly as he took in the sight before them. They were sitting on the edge of cliff, overlooking a vast body of water. It seemed endless, stretching out in every direction ahead of him, far larger than any lake or river they had ever seen. The moonlight illuminated the choppy waters below them and the waves that crashed against the cliffside, spraying droplets and foam into the sky.
"This - this..." Eren was at a loss of words.
"It's the sea, Eren. You always wanted to see it, didn't you? Well, here it is."
Eren was silent for a few moments, before he replied, unable to hide the awe that colored his voice. "It's a lot - bigger than I imagined."
"Armin told me that if I walked up the cliff I would see it, and I did, awhile ago. I just really wanted to bring you here too, Eren, and show it to you."
Eren turned to look at her, his gaze finally meeting hers. The cold in his eyes seemed to have softened, somewhat. "Mikasa..."
"It - it's beautiful, isn't it, Eren? Much more beautiful than anything inside the walls."
"It is beautiful," Eren agreed.
They sat there for a few moments, in a peaceful silence, before Eren finally spoke. "I think you should go."
Mikasa glared at him, the peace within her immediately shattered. "And why is that?"
"I'd think it's obvious. Do you really need me to answer that?"
"You're being a fool, Eren - "
"I'm being a fool!" Eren snapped, turning on her. "You're the one who is being the biggest idiot in the world, Mikasa! I ate my own fucking father, okay! I killed him with my own hands! I'm a monster, and if you needed any more proof than before, here it is! So please, Mikasa, stay away from me, at least now!"
"I told you then and I told you now, I'm never staying away, Eren!" Mikasa said tearfully. "You didn't have control over yourself then, but you do now! You've proved it already, time and time again!"
"What if I lose control again?! What if I lose control again, somehow?!"
"You won't! We don't have to worry about that anymore, don't you see! Didn't you hear what Annie said - crystallization is proof that you have full control over all of your abilities and your Titan form!"
"And since when did you start quoting Annie, Mikasa?! Do you actually trust her?!"
"I trust you, Eren!" Mikasa cried. "I always have!"
"Mikasa..." Eren groaned. "You deserve better than this. Much better. Wall Maria has been sealed! Humanity has more land available, more space, more resources! Life inside the walls will be safer, and better now. You could easily lead a peaceful life somewhere within Wall Maria, away from danger, away from Wall Sina and the inner districts, away from monsters like me - "
"Stop saying that! Stop calling yourself that, Eren! We've had this argument again and again! You're not a monster, and I'm not staying away from you!"
"But - "
"I can't stay away from you, Eren! Every moment that I'm not with you is bad enough!"
"What if I hurt you though?" Eren's voice was a traumatized whisper. "What if I do something irreversible, just like I did to my father? I can't live with the idea, Mikasa, and I can't live without you - "
"You won't do anything, Eren! You're fine now! And I would rather live with you for even a month or a day or a week and then die, rather than being separated from you!"
"What's wrong with you?! How can you say such things!"
"I'm saying the truth, Eren! It's how I feel." Mikasa took a deep breath, a blush spreading across her cheeks. "I - I don't know if you've figured it out yet, Eren. But I - "
"Please stop talking, Mikasa," Eren begged. "Please don't make this harder for me than it already is."
Mikasa leaned forwards, taking his face in her hands and cupping his cheeks as she stroked his skin with her thumbs. "I can't take it any longer, Eren! I have to tell you! My feelings for you... well, I - "
"Please don't say it, Mikasa." Eren whispered, her eyes tearing up. "I'm trying to do the right thing here, I can't - "
"You need to know, Eren. You need to know that I - I'm in - "
"Mikasa..."
"I'm in love with you, Eren," Mikasa whispered, wiping away his tears with a gentle swipe of her finger, before leaning in to kiss him.
From the moment their lips touched, Mikasa felt a tingle of electricity run through her body, starting at her lips but then coursing through every nerve up till her fingertips, making every fiber of her being tingle with a magical, heart-fluttering sensation. Mikasa kissed him softly, savoring the feeling of his mouth pressed against hers, entirely entranced by the smell of him enveloping her.
Eren didn't respond, and it was only when she was about to pull away with a curl of disappointment, that he lost whatever self control he had managed to hold on to till that point. He grabbed her shoulders and crashed his lips back against hers. Mikasa's heart felt like it would burst with joy, her body responding immediately to his touch, as Eren kissed her with an urgent, frenzied intensity. His kisses were gentle but had a certain desperation and franticness to them, though his lips softer than she would have expected. He kissed her again and again and again, his hands roaming from her back and then to her waist so that he could pull her closer, and then back up to cup her face, before he buried his fingers into her silky soft hair.
"I'm in love with you too," Eren said breathlessly, between kisses. "I've loved you for the longest time - since we were kids. I only realized it recently - but it's always been there."
"Why - why didn't you tell me?" Mikasa asked, trembling beneath his touches, as he trailed his fingers across her back, nipping against her bottom lip with his teeth.
"I wanted to," Eren admitted. "But you always treated me like a kid. I didn't know what to do - what to say - or how to act."
He trailed kisses up and down her neck, before capturing her lips in his again, and Mikasa thought she was going to faint from lightheadedness. "I - I've felt that way too," she managed to gasp out. "I just thought maybe - maybe you thought of me as just family - "
"Don't be stupid," Eren murmured. "I told you, you've never been - a sister - to me. Family - I don't know - I just - " he broke off then, delving his tongue between her lips and into her mouth.
They kissed for a long time then, tongues clashing and hands wandering. It was a passionate kiss, expressing years of pent-up emotion, longing and desire. Eren eventually pulled Mikasa onto his lap, from a need to get as physically close to her as possible, their bodies pressing together as they continued kissing.
When they finally did pull away, Eren's gaze was so tender that Mikasa found herself feeling ridiculously shy when she forced herself to meet his eyes.
"So - what now?" she asked, the swelling happiness inside of her only increasing when Eren moved in to peck her on the cheek.
"What?"
"Promise you'll never push me away again?"
Eren sighed. "I tried, I really did. It was for your own good, too. But I give up." He kissed her again. "You win."
"Isn't this better though?"
Eren smiled at her then, a genuine, charming smile that made her heart melt. "This is what I wanted too, you know?" His fingers were on her chin, tilting her head as he drew her back in for yet another kiss.
They stayed there for awhile longer, before Mikasa finally stood up, taking Eren's hand in her own, rejoicing inwardly as he threaded their fingers together almost immediately.
"We should go," she said softly. "The others will be wondering where we are." She made a move to leave, but Eren tugged on her hand.
"Wait."
"What is it?" she asked.
Eren's cheeks were flushed, and his hair was mussed up, and he was looking up at her with bright, loving eyes. Mikasa's heart melted at the sight, a sight she knew she would never get tired of seeing, and one that she would cherish forever.
Eren seemed to be struggling with his words. "It's just - now that I've finally gotten to kiss you - I don't know - I really like it you know - and we're outside the walls, who knows what'll happen here - and I don't know when we'll get another chance to - " he broke off, his flush deepening, and decided that there was no point trying to put it all in words. Instead, he yanked on her hand, pulling her back into his lap.
"E-Eren?"
"Stay with me." Eren nuzzled her cheek before gazing at her with entreating eyes. "A while longer. Stay."
Mikasa gave him the most beautiful smile that he had ever seen. "Always."
She leaned forwards to press their lips together once more, and he responded back enthusiastically, his hands on her shoulders, pushing her forwards. Mikasa fell back onto the grass, Eren falling on top of her, still not breaking the kiss as his hands found hers, yet again. Their legs tangled together and their fingers intertwined, as they lay there, kissing under the stars on a cliff next to the sea; a boy and a girl who had finally managed to escape from the walls that had once entrapped them, and who had finally managed to let down the walls around their own hearts.
A/N: There you go. After 8 chapter of waiting and one troll chapter, Eren and Mikasa have finally admitted their true feelings. Please do review and let me know how you liked this! I think I overdid the kissing and mushiness there, but when I tried editing it - I. Just. Couldn't. Couldn't bring myself to take anything out or make it any less sickeningly sweet or find adequate substitutes for the overused words 'kiss' and 'lips'. Still, hope it wasn't tooo much, but after all the trauma and heartache, don't you think Eren and Mikasa deserved it?
I can't give you a promise for when the next chapter will update, because I've started work and it keeps me extremely busy. I also have exams to study for. I'll try writing it when I can, but I also want to wait for the next SnK chapter to release (should be soon, right?) since I want to see if it'll have any new information that might influence/change the plot I have planned. It features the village, Ymir, Christa, and also the big reveal and truth about the Titans. We will also learn about the fate of Levi-heichou.
Till then however, I hope this has satisfied your ErenMika feels and needs, and that you all can be happy about the fact that the two of them are basically just going to be making out until chapter 10.