Sara sat on her couch hugging a plush decorative pillow and staring at the wall. She couldn't sleep. Her mind was too alive to rest. Her body was pretty alive, too. She hadn't completely recovered from being so close to Grissom in the car. He looked like he might have kissed her, but she had pulled away. She didn't mean to. She would have kissed him. But then again, it was probably best that they hadn't. She didn't want her first kiss with Grissom to be a drunken one. She wanted it to be more real than that.
She couldn't go to sleep, anyway. She was waiting for his call.
A faint rap on the door jerked her from her trance and she briefly wondered if that was him.
That can't be him. He doesn't have a car.
She walked over to the door and peered through the peephole.
Shit! It's John. I forgot to call him.
Sure enough, John stood at the door nervously rubbing his hands together. He looked horrible. She felt horrible. Her mind had been so consumed with her situation with that damn entomologist that she had completely disregarded John's feelings. She thought about how she had left him at the restaurant and cringed…
"It's just… I've only known you for a few weeks but I think that if…," he chuckled and looked away for a moment then back at her, "I think that if you asked me to stay, I think I would."
Sara paused and looked down at her plate, not wanting him to see the alarm in her eyes. She paused way too long.
"Sara?"
She looked up, "Yeah?"
"I didn't mean to shock you with that. Sorry," he said uncertainly. His face turned red and he twisted the napkin in his hand nervously.
She stared at him, mouth slightly agape. "You didn't shock me. It's okay."
"You sure?"
"Yes," she tried for a smile and succeeded. "I'm flattered."
"Okay," he said slowly. "Sometimes I'm a little too open with my feelings," he laughed and relaxed noticeably.
She looked back down at her plate and began playing with the spaghetti noodles. Open with his feelings. She wanted to laugh at the wicked irony. It was quite a contrast to Grissom. A complete and utter contrast. Maybe that's why, despite the fact that she never found it endearing in Grissom, she couldn't find it endearing in John.
She realized that if Grissom had been the one to tell her he would stay in Vegas for her… she would be blushing and grinning instead of looking down at her plate, playing with her food.
I can't stay here and lead him on. I can't be here. I cannot get that man off my damn mind. Ugh!! I'm getting a headache.
She couldn't do this to John. She really did like him. She sighed to herself and looked up. She smiled and he smiled back. He had a gorgeous smile.
"I have to go, John. I'm sorry," she said quickly.
His eyebrows came together suddenly and his mouth opened. He was struggling with words.
"Is this about what I just said?" Sara shook her head. "Because, really, Sara. Don't take that too serious. That was just me telling you that I like…" he paused and searched for the perfect way to put it, "I like spending time with you."
Sara stood up and put her coat on. "That isn't it. Believe me. I'll call you later."
John stood up with her, but didn't put his coat on. He looked confused, and rightly so. "Will you tell me what's going on so I don't have to worry?"
She started walking away. "You don't have to worry. I'll call you later," she said gently and headed to the door. She pressed number two on her speed dial and waited for the answer.
She was embarrassed of her behavior and she thought about ignoring him. But the thought was fleeting as she was never one to shirk responsibility. She opened the door and looked at him uncomfortably. The muscles in her face wouldn't let her smile.
"Thank God you're awake!" he said without preamble.
"I'm so sorry I didn't call you, John. I know I said I would."
He chuckled and gave her a crooked smile. "Yeah, you did. It's been like six hours. I started getting worried."
She sighed and shook her head at herself. "There's no excuse for what I did. Come in. Please."
"I called you a few times," he said as he walked in.
Under normal circumstances she would have found it a bit obsessive, especially since they had only been dating a few weeks. They didn't really know each other that well. But her behavior probably warranted this kind of reaction. She cringed at her conduct once again. Then she wondered why she didn't get his calls.
Where the hell is my cell phone? Shit. Grissom is going to call and I don't think he even has my home number. What if he already called and he thinks I'm avoiding him? Shit, shit, shit!!
Absent mindedly, she began glancing around the room trying to spot her phone.
"I don't know where my phone is," she told John as she rooted through her purse.
"Did you try calling it with your house phone?"
"No. But I didn't hear it when you called me," she paused and thought a moment. "I might have dropped it in my car."
"I'll help you look," he said as she opened the door and walked outside quickly.
She unlocked her car and opened the door and she could hear ringing. The phone was stuck between the center console and driver's seat.
"Well that's a coincidence, someone calling you," John said as he dug it out for her. "Here."
"I don't know this number," she mumbled and opened the phone. "Sidle."
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Grissom finally crawled into bed and went to sleep at about 10:30pm. He awoke five hours and forty three minutes later with a dull pounding behind his eyelids and a dry mouth.
But he remembered everything. He remembered almost kissing Sara. He remembered telling her he thought she was pretty.
That was kind of lame. She's not just pretty. She's more than pretty.
And he remembered that he was supposed to call her when he woke up. He was hesitant about it, but he did after all need his car and she had offered.
But she might have felt obligated. Even so, I don't want anyone else knowing I got drunk last night. Calling a cab would be ridiculous. Sara might be offended. She might think I'm avoiding her. No, I'll call her like she asked.
He promptly removed himself from the bed and took a quick shower. He thought about eating but realized he could offer to buy Sara breakfast or lunch or…whatever.
You know, to thank her for taking care of me last night.
He picked up his house phone and dialed from memory her cell phone number. He didn't know her house number. While he waited for her to pick up, nervousness started to settle in and he wondered if he really did remember everything.
"Sidle," came the answer after the third ring.
His face lit up at the sound of her voice.
"Hi." She didn't answer and he wondered if she recognized his voice. He did after all call her with his house phone. "It's Grissom."
"I know. Um, Just a second," she finally said. She sounded out of sorts and paranoia began flicking Grissom in the back of his head.
She's probably just in the middle of something. I hope she wasn't sleeping. She didn't sound asleep.
He waited for what seemed like minutes, though only seconds passed and she came back.
"Can I call you back in a few minutes?" she asked. She didn't sound very thrilled about it.
"Uh, yeah. Sure," he replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
"Okay, bye."
And she hung up leaving Grissom very confused and paranoid.
Stop over thinking everything. She asked you to call. Chill out.
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Sara hung up the phone and looked at John. He was leaning against the car with his hands resting on the roof. She tried to guess what he was thinking, but his face was indifferent. One of his eyebrows shot up and he licked his lips. She realized she was making absolutely no effort to hide her discomfort.
"Well, I guess I should leave you to that call," he finally said and closed the door to her car. He was obviously upset by her cryptic behavior.
"John, I really am sorry about last night. I shouldn't have done that."
"Why did you?"
Sara didn't know what to tell him. She could lie, but she couldn't think of a good enough lie to excuse her behavior. He saw her struggling to answer so he spoke. He wasn't smiling and his face held a seriousness she had only seen him use while he was working.
"I like you. I really do. I think we get along great and we have a lot in common. Up until last night, I thought things were going really well. I shouldn't have said what I said. It was overload, I know…"
"John, honestly. It wasn't that," she interrupted calmly.
Well, it kind of was. But I probably would have left whether he said that or not.
"Then, what? I mean, I know I'm probably being a bit excessive... coming here and all… but I really was worried. And I really want to just clear the air here so things aren't awkward at work."
She opened her mouth to speak but he smiled at her genuinely and continued, "Look, if you don't want to see me anymore, it's okay. Really. Just be straight with me here so I don't have to wonder."
An out. Is this what she wanted? Well, yes. But she hadn't planned it. She hadn't been thinking about how she would break things off with him. But she knew. Even if things didn't happen with Grissom, she knew it wasn't possible with John.
He was perfect for her, but he wasn't Grissom.
How do I say this?
She looked at the pavement and exhaled. He was waiting for her to speak. He was wondering. She looked back up with a dreary expression. She couldn't form the words and she realized how Grissom must have felt all the times he just… remained silent.
John sighed and nodded at her silence. He smiled sadly and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
"Well, you're silence speaks volumes…" he said. He didn't sound angry, but perhaps a little disappointed.
"I'm sorry," she said gently. She really was sorry.
"It's okay. It was fun while it lasted, right?" His smile widened. She couldn't tell if he was faking it so she decided to take it at face value and smiled back.
"Yeah, it was."
It hadn't lasted long, but she felt like she had known him for years. That's what made this so hard.
"It isn't because I bore you, is it?" he asked teasingly.
She shook her head and laughed, "No."
"Okay. As long as you weren't bored."
"No, I wasn't."
He moved closer to her and enveloped her in a light hug. She hadn't expected it, but it felt nice. He pulled away and winked at her.
"I'll see you tonight at work, then," he stated and walked to his car. She waved goodbye to him and started towards her apartment.
"Hey!" he called back and she spun around. "Is it Grissom?"
Her eyebrows shot up in alarm and she opened her mouth immediately to deny such a thing.
What? How the…
"Wait!" he shouted and threw his hand up. "Don't answer that. I don't wanna know."
He chuckled and ducked into his car. He drove away leaving Sara shocked and, in spite of herself, slightly amused.
Bravo, John. Bravo.
She chuckled to herself and shook her head. Her life really could be quite amusing at times. A guy finally came along that she would allow herself to be with, despite her feelings for another man, and finally that other man decides he wants to be with her. And the guy is so understanding. Still so nice. Still smiling.
For some reason, it didn't worry her that she was so transparent. She was still worried that Grissom's motivation was wrong, but it would kill her if she never knew… really never knew. Especially after pining away for him for all those years.
She was glad she didn't pine away for him anymore. Pining was painful. She still loved him, of course, but she had given up on him. Well, that wasn't exactly right. Truth be told, she never really gave up on Grissom. It was more a loss of expectations. A jaded line of thinking that made her wonder how a man who she hadn't so much as kissed could make her feel so worn out over men.
Yet she still loved him. Intensely. She had for the longest time and she couldn't remember what it felt like not to love him. It was as familiar to her as breathing.
But now he had thrown this curveball at her and she needed to find out just how serious he was. If he was just doing all of this out of jealousy then she would know. Because she would make him explain to her just what his intentions are. No more stalling. No more interruptions.
She opened her phone and dialed Grissom back.
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Grissom sat on his couch with a glass orange juice in one hand and his phone in the other. His thumb rested tentatively on the talk button as he awaited Sara's call. He hadn't felt like this since high school when he asked out a girl for the first time. He had picked up the phone six times before actually dialing and he remembered distinctly how sweaty and nervous he was. How clammy his hands had been. He could multiply that by about a hundred. That's how he felt at this moment. Because he hadn't loved that girl. If she had said no to him, he hadn't much to lose. He loved Sara. He had everything to lose.
The phone rang and it startled Grissom. As soon as he registered what the noise was, he pressed the button and quickly put his ear to the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me. Sorry about that," she answered. Her tone had changed from ten minutes ago. Whereas then she had sounded uneasy, now she sounded normal. Not cheery, but not dismal. It assuaged his paranoia.
"It's okay. Did I catch you in the middle of something?" He took a sip of the orange juice because she was waiting far too long to answer.
"Uh, kind of. John was here."
Oh.
"Oh."
Why did she even tell me that? There can be only one good reason why she would tell me that.
"Griss, I know what you're thinking…"
"No, it's okay. It's… not my business."
"Just, let me talk," she said irritably and let out a sharp sigh.
"Okay," he answered meekly.
He thought about how ironic it was. Usually she was interrupting him and walking off before he could even think of what to say. He hated it. So he shut up.
"Okay. Look, John was over here because he was worried about me last night. I forgot to call him," she said calmly.
So? How is this supposed to negate my thoughts?
Sara continued after a brief pause, "Wait, do you remember last night… at all?"
"Of course. I wasn't that drunk. I told you that."
"Well, I left John in the middle of dinner… to come find you… I wanted to see you."
Grissom's lip curled into a smile and his stomach did a flip. That meant something.
"Anyway, he was worried because I didn't answer my phone. But he's gone now and if you're ready I can come pick you up."
He didn't answer. He was still thinking about her leaving John. To come find him. She wanted to see him. That felt good, and he didn't feel bad for John at all.
She wanted to see me.
"Grissom? You there?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry," he paused to think about the question she had apparently posed.
"Are you ready?"
"For what?"
She laughed, even though she should have been annoyed. "For me to come get you. You're car, remember?"
OOOOH! Oh, yeah. Way to go, pal. Doofus.
"My car. Of course. Um… sure. Yeah, come on over."
"Okay. I'll be there in like…. twenty minutes."
"See you soon," he said in an intimate tone of voice. He just felt like it. She had left John. To come find him. In the middle of dinner.
Actually, poor John. He really is a nice guy. Maybe I do feel a little bad for him. It's not his fault he's caught in the crosshairs of our extremely complicated relationship.
"Okay," she said, suddenly sounding very pleased or delighted. He couldn't decide. But it wasn't dismal and it was a notch above normal.
He hung up the phone and began preparing a monologue.