A/N: Thank you so much for all of the reviews and for sticking with this story. I know that it is quite different.
COWARD
I had never really thought about dying. I've been too focused on the life problems I've been immersed in to concentrate on something so trivial as death. Life has been overwhelming me, but I guess it's death that should have been my focus all along. Coll says that I'm fading away out of existence simply because I'm in a place I don't really belong. I'm finding out that she says a lot of things. She's the type that talks a lot when I want her to shut up but shuts up when I want answers.
When I woke up again, Coll began explaining more things to me. She started filling in the missing blanks of my life just as vaguely as she had done before. Between her streams of useless words she did manage to tell me that we come from a clan called Phasers. The moniker lacks originality but exceeds itself in functionality. We are Phasers because we phase from one world to the next. Coll spared me the scientific details behind our abilities and explained it all by demonstration.
She's strong. At least, she says that she's strong. I think I should believe it. She can phase in this world without going back to what she simply calls, the 'Dark World', which basically means she can go anywhere in the entire world within moments and leave just as quickly. Earlier this morning, she took me to Libya and then hopped us over to Vietnam. I might of thought it was cool if it hadn't been so terrifying.
She says that not everyone can do it, that only the best of us can. She tells me that I'm beginning to learn to phase again. My body is starting to remember things it has forgotten. She says that's the reason I can run so fast. I'm not really running, not like Alice runs. I'm phasing in short bursts from one place to the next.
Coll has explained away a lot of mystery in my life, but I know she's holding back on explaining things that have more complicated answers. She hasn't talked about my inner instinct at all. She hasn't even bothered to bring up vampires again either.
I've tried bringing up Alice, my curiosity brave enough to seek answers about her, but Coll refuses to participate in my underhanded way of figuring out this thing that goes on between Alice and me. She changes the subject and reiterates about how I must learn how to phase completely before I'm too weak to phase back at all.
She's drawn up a practice schedule for me, but has inexplicably left room in the schedule for school and extracurricular activities. If I really am dying, then I guess Coll doesn't think it's a serious enough issue for me to focus on the abnormality of it all.
I still don't trust her, but she has seamlessly integrated herself into my life. She began integrating into it long before she had ever revealed herself to me. Though I had been missing for days, Charlie had not gathered up a search party because Coll had convinced him that she is my psychiatrist. The night I had run away hand in hand with Alice, Coll had explained to Charlie that she was doing a group therapy session that involved a camping trip in the woods and that it was vital I attend.
Not surprisingly, Charlie believed her because he wanted to believe I could finally be someone else's problem, I guess. He asked me about the camping trip and I told him what details I could manufacture based on what I've read in books and seen on TV. I've never actually been camping.
So now, everything is supposed to go back to normal. It's supposed to be like I had never gone away with Alice to see Carlisle and that Coll had never protected me from these Others she keeps going on about without actually telling me anything about them.
Today, I'm expected to go back to school. I'm expected to go on with my life now fully aware that I'm dying…not indestructible, not immortal but fading away slowly into oblivion all because I stumbled into this world and lost my way.
"We've spoken about your pouting," Coll tells me as she phases in next to me while I drive my old truck down the road towards school.
Her unexpected presence nearly has me running my truck off the road. "Damn fucking hell!" I yell as I try to stop the wreck about to happen.
"It's beginning to get disappointing," Coll calmly comments as I save us from potential ruin. "You have grown weaker than I originally assumed."
She's not good for my ego. "You're insane."
"Probably so," she errantly replies as if her agreeing meant little more than admitting a small flaw of character instead of a glaring beacon of problems. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that you are likely to run into those vampires again. I must ask you to not interact with them."
She seems serious, but it's hard to tell what side of crazy her moods lie on. I don't want to give into her erroneous demands, but my instinct has me nodding, agreeing to whatever it is she asks.
"I appreciate your cooperation in this matter. It would be a terrible shame if I had to start killing them off so that their meddling ways don't interfere." Her statement is a threat as much as it is a warning. I could ask her to leave the Cullens alone, but I'm not sure it would make much of a difference.
She phases away and as I pull up to the school parking lot, I am alone but I'm sure Coll is still somewhere watching me. She tells me that she's always been watching. There's nothing I've done that she hasn't seen. Besides the stalkery aspect of it, I find it sort of comforting that she's been around. Well, I don't find it comforting but my instinct does. It knows her. I still don't know how, but I suppose it really doesn't matter.
I step out of my truck, and then take a look around. I'm just another face in a sea of faces. There's nothing stamped on my forehead screaming out that I'm special in any way. I don't stand out like the Cullens. Anything people whisper about me is based on the oddity of my personality not on my exotically interesting appearance.
I can't help but wonder what people are whispering about me now. I kind of wonder if they are whispering anything at all. I know that they must be saying something. I'm too new to be ignored.
I make my way into the school building and then go straight to my first class. I keep my head down and hope to push through the day without running into anyone or anything. I don't want to see Alice nor do I want to see any of her family. There are things that have been left unsaid between us, and I'm sure that she is concerned about me but we can pretend like I never entered into her life and that she never entered into mine.
Her family is free from taking responsibility for me now. I don't need their help. Coll is here and she's going to take care of everything. There's no problem with me putting my fate into the hands of a killer, right? It's what all the cool kids are doing these days.
When lunch comes around, I decide to avoid the cafeteria just in case I run into a vampire that might be killed on my behalf. I go to the library instead and hang out in the back where no one can see me between the shelves of books.
"I'm not going to let you avoid me." Of course Alice would come looking for me. It's probably the only reason she showed up to school today. It's not like she needs to actually attend school. She's probably hundreds of years old or something. What use does school do her? For that matter, what use does it do me? Apparently, I'm not even from this world. It doesn't make any sense.
"You should." I don't bother to look over at the vampire standing in front of me. Instead, I look at the books around me and then randomly pull one out.
She steps closer to me. She really isn't going to let me avoid her. She's going to force this and then Coll is going to show up and Hell is going to be unleashed in this high school library.
"How are you feeling?" Alice keeps her voice at a whisper. It would be terrible if someone were to overhear us talking about all the crazy shit that bumps around not only at night but during the day as well.
"Please go." I'd tack onto the end of my sentence that she's in terrible danger, but that's a little too cliché even for me. She should just listen to me and go away.
"Did that woman show up again?" Alice persists.
Coll was right. Vampires are meddlers. "Her name is Coll and yes she did. Now please just go. We don't have to do this anymore, okay. Just go back to your life and let me go back to mine."
Alice bends down, obviously not caring about anything I just said. I would have spoken louder, but I'm sure that wouldn't have made a difference. "Why won't you let me help you?"
I take a look around expecting Coll to pop in at any second and rip Alice's head off. "Why are you so certain I need help? Why is everyone around me so adamant in believing that I'm broken?" I'm getting kind of tired of it. Everyone is telling me they are going to save me when they don't even know the first thing about me. They don't know what they are offering to save me from. They are all just so certain that I'm in need of a hero.
Alice places her hand on my thigh, I flinch away. I don't need her touching me. She doesn't try it again but she does clear her throat and starts answering my rhetorical questions. "It's your eyes," she tells me. "Anyone who takes a long enough look can see your pain."
"Then look away." I'm not going to bother to deny this phantom pain she speaks of. There's no point in that. Alice has already made up her mind about why she wishes to hound me.
"I can't just walk away from you, Bella." She's starting to sound frustrated, but it's understandable since I'm being so difficult.
"Yes you can." We're not bound to each other. Our lives are not fatefully intertwined. We don't even come from the same world.
"Carlisle tested your blood." Alice shifts again. This is her desperate attempt to keep me around. "He wants to talk to you."
"Meddlers." And finally Coll appears. She's flipping through a book on vampire lore. Her eyes are focused on it, but I feel the brunt of her attention being focused on Alice and me.
Alice and I both jump up. I step in front of Alice, hoping that I can give Alice a chance at escape. "I wasn't talking to her," I defend.
"Of course not." She slaps her book shut. "You were having a lover's quarrel."
I feel Alice's hand on my back. She's easing me away from in front of her. I'm sure she can sense the danger and we both know that she's stronger than me. The important thing she doesn't quite understand is that Coll doesn't want me dead.
"It's not polite to eavesdrop," Alice meets Coll's eyes. She's not going to back away.
"I do not give courtesies to abominations," Coll replies.
"And Bella?" I feel Alice's stance shift. She's preparing for a fight. "You don't care about giving her 'courtesies' either?"
Coll chuckles. "Touché."
I reach out my instinct trying to get a feel for what Coll is going to do. As usual I can't really get a read on her, but Alice is making my instinct bing. I can feel her coiled and ready for a fight. I can also feel her uncertainty and I have a need to comfort her. I've felt her presence humming in the back of my mind all day. It served as a helpful reminder of why I should stay away.
Coll shifts again. She's no longer laughing. She looks like a killer. "Lesson number one, my dearest Bella, we are primal." She doesn't move but phases over to Alice and me. Her hand reaches out and though I would have been certain she was going after Alice, she instead wraps her arm around me pulling me closer to her and further away from Alice. Alice's eyes widen and both her hands grab onto Coll's arm.
I want to move forward and break away, but my body is locked in place. It has decided to not move and left me out of the decision making process.
"We…" Coll's arm tightens around me. Alice's attempts to free me are proving to be useless. "We," Coll repeats, "are raw. When you live in a world of darkness there is nothing to guide you except what is inside of you. We must detect threats and feel our prey."
"Are you going to kill her?" I still can't move. I can't even summon up a good dose of panic.
Coll shifts us, and Alice finally ceases her struggle. Nothing she does is enough. She is helpless. "I could," Coll answers me. "But then what would you learn? What would either of you learn?"
"I can't learn anything from you," Alice finally tries talking instead of physical action.
"Then you are as stupid as you are dead," Coll answers. "Your kind are all so pathetic because you don't even understand what you are." Coll pushes me away from her. I stumble into Alice who barely is able to save me from falling. "Neither of you do."
I open my mouth to yell at her about just how crazy I think she is, but she phases away. Alice looks at me for answers, but neither of us says a word. My instinct is going crazy now. It wants to fight from being threatened, but it also kind of wants to run. It wants to curl up further into Alice's arms knowing that she can sort of protect me, but it doesn't want her touching me at all. It's all so confusing and jumbled and I don't know how to interpret it or control it.
"You both feel it now, don't you?" Coll phases in behind us. Neither Alice nor I jump away. "Those jumbled up bits of things inside of you. They aren't emotion, but survival. When you come from the Dark World everything is instinct. Everything comes from within, because there is nothing to sense in the darkness."
"Why?" Alice asks, and I'm not quite sure what she's asking 'why' to.
"Do you know what Carlisle found from examining your blood?" Coll asks me, completely ignoring Alice. "He found that parts of you mirror parts of him, but there is a divide between us." Her attention goes to Alice. Alice doesn't move. "They crave us because they sense a cure inside of us, a respite from all their pain. But, Alice my weak, pathetic little minion, how do you suppose infusing yourself with life affects you?"
"What do you mean?" Alice asks, doing her best to stand up to someone obviously physically superior.
"You drank her blood," Coll nods towards me. "You tasted it. What happened to you?"
"She was brought back to life," I whisper trying to save Alice from a bit of the torture Coll is putting her through.
"Please, my dearest Bella do not speak out of turn." Coll chastises me. "We are learning a lesson and it's Alice's turn to show and tell."
"I'm not doing this with you," Alice says and then pulls us away from Coll. She has us heading towards the nearest exit, but Coll phases in front of us and there's no way we are going anywhere.
"Let's make one thing clear, you diseased carcass, you and I are not on equal playing grounds. You live because my Bella would not like me killing you."
"But you said you don't mind killing them." I remember our conversation in my truck this morning very clearly.
Coll's eyes widen and she looks as if I've offended her. "I said no such thing. I clearly recall stating that I didn't want to have to start killing them." She steps away from Alice and me. "You must work on your listening skills."
"Is she for real?" Alice finally asks me. "Please tell me we're both sharing a joint nightmare."
"Neither of you understand," Coll says sounding so worn down and defeated her mood once again phasing almost as quickly as she can. "I shall be as blunt as possible then. Our blood cures the Vampire virus, but it cannot cure death. If you ever drink too much from Bella, Alice, then you will be fully human again and you will die." She takes another step away from us. "Our instinct is raw and powerful and it will lead you into stupidity. You two have been slaves to it thus far and it has nearly killed the both of you. So, stop arguing about the things you don't understand and try for once to figure out why you two illicit the reactions out of each other that you do."
"You already know why," I accuse. "You could just tell us."
"I could," Coll sighs. "But then what will you have learned?" She phases away again and this time I don't think she's coming back. I've disappointed her somehow. I can feel that I have.
"There is something seriously wrong with that woman," Alice says after a moment.
"Well," I chuckle, "she's not from around here."
"I caught onto that." Alice turns to me. "What's the Dark World?" Of all the questions that she could ask, this is her first?
"The way Coll tells it, it's a world parallel to this one." I step away from Alice now that our rollercoaster is finally coming to a stop and it's time for me to get off the ride. I wasn't just avoiding Alice because Coll asked me to. I'm also avoiding her because I don't want to be around her anymore. I don't want to figure out the things Coll apparently thinks I need to. "I should get back to class. I think lunch is over."
I start to walk away, but Alice pulls me back. "Are we really going to do this?"
"Do what?" I try sounding clueless, but I don't pull it off well. I've never played dumb well.
Alice lets go of me. "You're fantastic at running away, you know that Bella? You're fantastically selfish, too."
Selfish? "I'm trying to leave you out of this," I argue.
"How do you think that's even possible now?" Alice turns away from me. "Everything inside of me, everything around me is different now."
"I'm…" I'm what? Sorry? I'm not sure what I've done. I'm not even sure what's happened. I don't want to know.
Alice is right. I really am good at running. It's a specialty.
"I'm…" I try again. "I'm going to class." This time when I leave, Alice doesn't try to stop me. I wish I could stop myself, but I can't. I won't. I'm a fucking coward.