Chapter 10

Well, I'm going home back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me…

The alarm went off too early. Josh hit the snooze button once, twice, and then accidentally shut the damn thing off. When he finally was able to keep his eyes open, it was already one o'clock. He cursed and rolled out of bed. He'd slept for almost twelve hours, and it wasn't enough. He jumped in the shower, gelled his hair, and threw on some clothes from the bag he had yet to unpack. At least they were clean.

He had to meet the Discovery staff at the convention center on Pier 66 so they could go over the set-up for the memorial, as well as the activities and events that were scheduled for the next day. Matt Renner, a production supervisor from the show, met him at the wharf. "You look like hell," he told him.

Josh smirked. "Thanks."

"I'm serious. Did you sleep?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, but I could sleep for a fuckin' week," Josh responded. "Okay. Just tell me what I have to do."

The van from the florist was unloading pots of flowers. If it wasn't for the huge television screen behind the podium, the stage would have looked like the parlor of a funeral home. Josh supposed that was the point. "So, what are you going to say at the service?" Matt asked.

"I don't know. Something about the mullet, I guess."

"Josh, you have to be ready for this," Matt warned him.

"Don't sweat it, Matt, I've got it handled." He smirked. "When have you ever known me to be at a loss for words?"

Matt sighed. Josh had inherited his father's mouth. "Never. All right, let me show you the Crew Relay Race."

Rents in New York City were at least double what she was paying in Seattle. Her salary would increase, but probably not enough to cover the difference. She could have chosen to live across the river in New Jersey, but she was starting over, shedding the last six years of her life. She deserved the best she could afford.

She continued down the list of rentals on the web site. A chat box opened up. Tammy, Jake's girlfriend, was online and sent her a message. 'Pier 66? Want to go together?'

'Not going. We're done,' was her typewritten response.

She stared at those words and expected her eyes to well up with tears, but she had no tears left to spill. She was done pining for someone who loved his family more than her. Didn't he understand how much she wanted to be a part of that family? But no more – she had opened herself to heartache one time too many. No more waiting. It was time to live her life.

The two boys sat on the end of the stage as the friends and fans of Phil Harris gathered. Josh had been uncharacteristically quiet while they waited for their cue to walk on stage. "Nervous?" Jake asked him as he handed him a small bottle of water.

"Yeah," Josh replied as he took it. "I just hope I don't say anything too stupid," he replied.

Jake chuckled. "Better you than me." Josh didn't laugh with him. Jake sipped at his water and said, "Uh, Tammy told me about you and Christina." Josh unscrewed the cap from his water and downed a mouthful. He didn't comment. "What happened?" Jake asked him.

Josh's fingers picked at the plastic label of his water bottle. "She wanted me to relocate to New York City with her," he replied.

"That's fucked." Jake took another sip of water. "You gonna be okay?"

Josh pulled the label off his bottle and shrugged. "Are either one of us ever gonna be okay again?"

"I don't know," Jake replied. "At the center they told me it would take time, but at least I still have Tammy. You've lost both Pop and Christine."

"I'll survive without Christine. She complained that I always chose Dad over her – and she was right, but it was the right decision then… and it's the right decision now."

Matt Renner came over and patted Josh on the back. "It's time," he told him. "And, Josh, remember… we're streaming this on the internet. Try to keep the F-bombs out of it."

Josh rolled his eyes and handed him his empty bottle. He thrust his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground. He said a silent prayer to his dad, and then climbed the steps and strolled across the stage to the podium. It was time to welcome the folks who loved Phil Harris.

The live streaming had begun. Jessie Daniels adjusted the screen and sat back to watch the public memorial for Phil Harris. The boys walked across the stage and Josh immediately adlibbed a comment about being on the big screen. She smiled. No paper, no cards… with just his brother by his side, Josh delivered his unrehearsed opening remarks to the large crowd. Like his father, he came across as genuine. When Josh introduced his brother and stepped back from the podium, she saw the sadness return to his eyes.

As others spoke, the camera caught Josh bent over, cigarette in hand, eyes reflecting his pain. There was no one beside him placing a hand on his shoulder. No one offering him comfort. She wished she could reach out to him in some way to help him through it. What was she thinking? She had met him once – only given him a ride. Her chances of ever seeing him again were nil. She was just one of the millions of people he would encounter in his lifetime.

The memorial service was over and the crowd was tossing white carnations into the water. Jake still seemed a bit lost, and Josh – a bit more at peace. He managed to smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Jessie clicked off the internet. She had never lost a parent, but she knew that the brothers still had a lot to go through. She stood and grabbed the autographed Cornelia Marie tee shirt. Tonight was Vanessa's bachelorette party. She rolled her eyes – wet tee-shirt contest – somehow she'd survive.

Fans were clamoring for pictures, and Josh and Jake obliged them, but both were glad the memorial was over. It was another hurdle they had jumped. One more day and they could get back to business figuring out how to not only keep the Cornelia Marie, but keep it profitable.

Later that night – much later – Josh rolled into his driveway and entered his empty house. Christina's perfume still scented the air, and he thought to check his cell phone – no messages. He went through his list of contacts and toggled until he reached the E's. Josh deleted her number. There would be no reason to call her. Then he sat at his computer and clicked on the internet. There were no e-mails from her, and he was relieved. This break was permanent. They couldn't go 'there' again. It was time to move on with their lives.

Josh checked his facebook page. He typed a name into the search box: Jessica Daniels, Las Vegas, Nevada. And there she was. He clicked on the 'add as friend' button and hoped she would respond. If she didn't, well, his lifestyle didn't exactly accommodate a long term relationship, so it might be for the best.

Someday… someday that would change… a wife, two kids, and he would be there for them… in person as well as in spirit. For now, though, the Cornelia Marie was his home. He wasn't running anymore – not to or from anything. It was the life he had chosen, not to please his father, but to please himself… and he didn't regret it.

Well, I'm going home…

The end