The entire time I slept that night I didn't once have a dream or a nightmare. Not that they are a regular occurring thing for me it's just normally when something bed happens it tends to bring back memories I keep thinking I've forgotten. Instead of images of snow covered streets I saw nothing and felt only a welcoming warmth.
I awoke the next morning to the sun braking through the cracked blinds covering the floor with a pattern that reminded me of prison bars. I blinked wearily and rolled out of bed, or attempted to but seeing as Matt had decided to smother my arm it was rather difficult. Tear streaks were still visible on his angelically peaceful face. I carefully removed my limb from under his slumbering form and walked to the wash room. I turned the water on scalding hot and stripped. Stepping into the seeming shower I winced as the water burned my skin. I reached to turn the temperature down when a thought struck me. Tear streaks? Why would he have been cry- the events from the previous evening flashed through my mind, they had slipped into the back of my memory while I had slept in peaceful comfort.
Reliving the memory I felt my legs grow week. My hands were shaking as I brought them up to my face. Burying my head in them I sunk, to weak to stand, to the shower floor where I sat for what seemed like hours. My skin now raw and numb so I could no longer differentiate between hot and cold. The water droplets falling consistently from the metal showerhead effectively hiding the silent tears that streamed down my cheeks.
"Mello where have you been?" It was lunch time, seems that what had felt like hours, for once, had been. Kinn was yelling at me, her tone soaked in concern and yet I found the chatter obnoxious and at the same time depressing. What right did I have to be mothered over? At the moment I could find none. Turning to Kinn I grimly told her to "shut the hell up" and left the lunch room and a confused and worried looking brunette. I didn't want her worrying about me and right then I wanted nothing more than to be left alone, well, more like I felt like I should be alone. As the bell rang for class I slipped into the deserted Lounge. I would have gone the class but I didn't want to see Matt's face, not yet, not till I was ready to face him and the consequences for my violence. Slinking to the back corner I crawled onto the large green couch. Sinking into a corner I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them close. Doing so made me realize how small I was, how insignificant my existence was. The couch was five times as big as me and I shrunk further into it. I was so useless, so small, so stupid. I couldn't keep a friend for more than a month without an 'incident' happening. Maybe this was some sort of divine message from god telling me that I was "meant to be alone" Mello the loner. I guess it had a nice ring to it. Yeah, I guess. Thinking about it I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
Damn I was crying a lot today, I didn't think I had the ability to cry at all so, after those three hours of crying in the shower, I was certain I would have cried so much that I'd die of dehydration. Guess not. I hastily wiped the salty drop of my cheek. Damn I was being such a wuss, such a girl, only girls cry, guys don't cry, were tough, unbreakable, or so I though. But, here I was crying my brains out all because I'd punched a kid. Just thinking that made me want to cry more. Who the hell was I kidding? Certainly not myself, and I doubt the rest of the world would buy it either. Just a kid? That 'kid' was the first actually friend I'd had in years. We'd gotten detention together, terrorized Roger as a team, beaten up the bullies, stolen goodie, run off downtown, played, got lectured, hell it felt like I'd known the kid my entire life and the though of him never speaking to me, never smiling at me, nearly tore me apart.
This was not just 'some kid'! This was Matt. Matt, the boy who had trusted me enough to share his past with me. Matt, the gamer who could kick anyone's ass even if he was new to the game. Matt, the expert hacker who could break even Wammys shielding firewalls. Matt, the boy who had befriended the schools biggest jerk, and had broken his protective shell. Matt, my best friend, the only boy heck, person I could be myself around. That was Matt, the boy I had held so dear, had trusted so much and who I had broken all bonds with, with a single blow, knowing that, hurt so much.
I stayed there, curled in a tight ball in the nook of the couch, until the last bell rang. I knew I'd have to vacate soon to avoid the masses that would soon arrive. I snuck carefully out to the courtyard, a small space behind the school with a few picnic tables and a circle of shade providing trees. I guess you could say I was running away, avoiding the consequences that were to follow my actions. In other words I was being a coward. I was keeping the small speck of hope I had alive. Hope that Matt would forgive me, and that maybe with his forgiveness, I could forgive myself. Taking a deep breath I cleared my mind. There had to be a way to get through this. There had to be a way to do it and not lose the most important thing that had come into my life. There just had to be!
I sat there for a long time, my skin grown numb from the chill of the evening air. Dinner was passed and my stomach continued to growl loudly in protest to my skipping it. The sun was making its way below the horizon when I decided that I would head in. Maybe I could camp out in B's room today. I wasn't ready to face Matt; I still couldn't come up with a scenario in which he would stay with me, like the whole thing had never happened. Opening the front door I was greeted with a vicious slap to my face. It stung like hell and nearly knocked me over.
"Mello." The calm voice was familiar but different from its normal everyday form. It was laced with a bitter almost hate filled undertone that made me shiver.
"Kinn?"
"Where the HELL have you been." I winced at the tone with which she spoke.
"Courtyard."
"Why weren't you in class?"
"Didn't wanna go."
"You skipped dinner."
"Not hungry"
"What happened this morning?"
"Fell asleep in the shower."
"And lunch"
"I was tired and you were irritating me." What was this, an interrogation!?
She slapped me again then and I staggered back from the force. Had Kinn always been this violent? Not that I could recall.
" DAMN IT MELLO STOP WALLOWING IN YOUR FUCKING SELF PITY!" She screamed in my face. She was serious, Kinn never swears, Kinn never gets violent, Kinn never yells. This was a side of Kinn I had never seen and a side of her I found I feared. There was a murderous gleam in her eyes and it terrified me. This wasn't the Kinn I knew. What also scared me was how easily she could read me. Just from asking a few questions she knew exactly what was wrong, not that it was hard to figure out but still. I knew she was right, I was drowning in self-loathing and pity. I knew that ignoring the problem would make it worse not make it evaporate into the air I breathe. I knew that unless I did something the problem would remain unsolved and Matt would never be my friend again. She opened her mouth to continue but I already knew what she was going to say. So I decided to do something, anything, if it might solve the problem.
I literally sprinted up to our dorm. I knew matt would be there, sitting on his bed, his legs crossed and goggles up around his eyes. I slammed the wood door open and was greeted by a mass of red.
"M-Mello?" I couldn't find the words to answer, the energy to respond. And upon seeing the cracked Game boy in his gloved hands I couldn't even make eye contact.
"Mello, Oh thank god!" His response to my appearance surprised me and I nearly keeled over when he tackled me, wrapping his stripped arms around me in a warm hug.
"I was so worried you'd left, or that you'd gotten kidnapped, or that Kinn was holding you hostage…or, or that." His voice cracked and his eyes had a gleam in them that clearly showed how close he was to breaking out in tears.
"I, well, they made a mistake in the add-ups Mells! It's alright, you're still second!" I seriously thought my heart stopped from surprise and grief. The day had gone from bad to worse, I'd beaten up Matt, and now I'd beaten him up for a mistake he didn't have anything to do with.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Mattie!" I was sobbing now; the only thing keeping me from crumbling to the hard wood floor was Matt's scrawny arms. He let me lean on him and patted and rubbed my back reassuringly as cries racked my body. He had forgiven me, probably without a thought about it.
"Hey Mells?" He asked after my cries had calmed down to steaks of salty residue and mucous.
"Yeah" I sniffed.
"Uh…well, Thank you."
"What the hell for?!" I had done nothing but torment him, nothing worthy of thanks but many worthy of remorse and hate.
"For saying what I needed to hear, what I've wished someone would one day tell me but that I feared would never be uttered. Thank you for telling me that it wasn't my fault and for staying by my side. Thanks you for letting me know I'm needed, and that someone cares. Thank you Mello, for being my friend." A gentle smile was painted on his pale face the last rays of day light seeping in through the partially closed plastic blinds, making him look like he was glowing. From my spot in his arms he looked like nothing less then an angel. My angel, my guardian angel, telling me that I wasn't alone and never again would be. I slumped to the floor my head in my hands, blond locks covering the new tears that streamed down my face. Tears of relief, of happiness, of thanks, and of forgiveness.
Author Note- I am going to stop here, I apologize for the late update and for the shortness of this chapter. I was going to continue it but I felt like then I would have drawn the whole thing out to long making it boring and repetitive. Oh and sorry to Mello for failing on your Emoness… For some reason I couldn't get a super depressed Mello to come forth I guess. So yeah…. I'm not sure about how often I'll get to update cause of school but I've been trying to get it done in the little spare time I have. Thank you to all those who have stuck with and supported us thus far!!! We can't express how much we appreciate it. I'd give you all boxes of cookies if I could. Unfortunately they have yet to come out with the kind that can be sent by E-Mail and stuffing the cookies into your CPU does not work Trust me. -KF