Heaven & Hell Go Hand in Hand like Fingernails on a Chalkboard

Chapter 10

The sheets moved around with my body as I tossed and turned in my bed. Matt's words had been sinking in for the past few hours, and had made it impossible to sleep. After he had told me about our mother, I quickly left to my room, afraid of saying something I shouldn't.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening.

I groaned at the annoyance of knowing I wouldn't be getting any sleep for the next few days.

"Ugh this sucks!"

I then heard a knock at the door. Already knowing who it was, I opened the door. There stood Matt with only his sweatpants on and a look of guilt spread all over his face.

I sighed.

"Can I come in?" He asked sheepishly.

I nodded in response.

He then came in and sat on the only made bed in the room, Ian's bed.

God I miss him.

I made my way to my own bed and sat down on it.

Matt sighed.

"Look Ash…you have no idea how sorry I am." He said as he nervously played with his hands, one of his usual habits I always recognized.

"I don't want to hear it Matthew." I said as I rolled my eyes.

"No Ash, listen to me."

"No I don't want to hear anything! You had no right telling her!"

I could feel my blood begin to boil, and knowing the way Matt got angry, knew this conversation wasn't going to be pretty.

The joys of family and genetics.

Matt got up from his seat on Ian's bed and made his way over to me.

"You think I wanted to tell her?" He said as he crouched down to face me.

I pushed him away and walked toward the window that showed the lake that held so many memories.

I sighed. "Well what am I supposed to think? How do you expect me to have a civil conversation with her? Especially after everything she did…"

Ian scoffed. "Do you have to be so dramatic?"

I whipped myself around to face him.

"Dramatic? Dramatic? How dare you call me dramatic? You weren't there Matt. You obviously thought playing soldier was more important than your own family!"

Shit, where did that come from?

Matt's eyes widened, and I knew things were about to get even uglier.

"You think I didn't care? You think I didn't worry about you guys while I was out on the field? While I was praying to God to let me live through the occurring ambush so that I could see you again?"

I scoffed. "Oh bullshit. You don't know half of what happened. What did she tell you? I bet she didn't tell you the whole story."

"She told me enough…"

I rolled my eyes again. "Oh really? Did she tell you the way things would get violent between her and John? Did she tell you the way I'd have to convince Ally to open her door so I could come inside and comfort her because she was terrified? Did she tell you how many nights I'd have to rock Ally to sleep because she was scared to sleep while I on the other hand had to cry myself to sleep every single night?"

I tried to catch my breath as my hands shook from all the emotions that were quickly coming back. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the sorrow were all magnified because of my "blessing." The magnification was useful when tearing enemies apart from the inside, but could become almost lethal to my own self when I thought about things too much.

Matt grabbed my hands tightly.

"…What?" He said shakily as he looked at me.

I swallowed the knot in my throat and stared at him in his eyes. Without even having to read him I could tell he was completely dumbfounded and full of disbelief.

"So you tell me how I'm supposed to act when she gets here tomorrow." I said as I pushed him away and walked out of the room.

The next morning I did everything as if it were a regular one. I showered, got dressed, did my makeup and hair the way I normally did. I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water and walked out the back door.

After the fight with Matt, I went down to the lake to cool off, and when I got back to my room, he was gone. Of course I didn't really care, especially after everything that had been said.

I still hadn't seen him, and figured he was still asleep.

As I sat down on the warm grass I thought about Ian and what he would probably be doing right now. I smiled as I came to the conclusion that he'd either be bothering just about everyone he came into contact with and or driving everyone insane.

At around one I heard the familiar crunching of boots on grass. When the crunching finally stopped I looked up to see Matt. We didn't make eye contact, since feelings were still raw from our argument last night, but I knew she was here. He then led the way toward where she was, and after a few minutes, realized he was taking me toward Bessie's cluttered office I had seen the very first day I had arrived here with Ian. I stopped at the door and Matt took this as the perfect time to make his escape.

I sighed and walked inside. At first I didn't see her, I only saw the office. Instead of it being the cluttered, messy office I had come to know and remember, it was now spotless and organized. It wasn't until my eyes ran over Bessie's desk did I finally see her.

She sat on the side of the desk where the businessman or woman sat, leaving me the seat of the client.

She looked unchanged but different all the same, and as our eyes met, I became disgusted with myself.

For the emotion that rose within me was surprising yet comforting.

As our eyes stayed locked on each other I was filled with only two emotions.

Hate and longing.

The worst part though, was realizing which one was greater than the other.

For the first time in years, the foreign feeling of longing surpassed my hate for the woman that sat before me: my mother.