I am hanging my head in shame. Five weeks. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, New year and January. yep, it's been that long and I'll be surprised if anyone is still reading!
Anyway, I've had a busy few weeks, what with my mock exams (which went fabulously :)), and just as I was enjoying the relative freedom of being post-exams, I went and dislocated my knee. Now I am in a rather large amount of plaster and I have a lot of time on my hands, so expect updates to be far more regular than they have been!
Anyway, this is what I suppose is a 'filler-chapter' before some big stuff coming up, so I hope you enjoy!
"What is concerning me most, Mr Fletcher, is that despite the tumour being such a small size, you are presenting quite prominent symptoms; seizures, speech problems. Are you sure that you were asymptomatic until today?"
Silence. It had been the conversation I'd been dreading, telling Fletch that no, he wasn't dying but it was the next 'best' thing, he had a brain tumour.
But so far, the discussion had been easier than expected. I assumed his lack of response to the diagnosis was in fact due to drowsiness and pain, but he seemed even more alert than me and so the silence confused me.
"Fletch?" I whispered, nudging him gently.
"Huh? Um no, yes, where was I?" He stuttered quickly, his glazed eyes suddenly clearing.
"Please try and listen, this is important Mr Fletcher. Did you present with any symptoms of this tumour before your seizure this morning?"
I locked eyes with Zoe, who was standing next to the particularly insensitive and irritating neurologist, called Mr Harris or something. Her expression showed both her displeasure at Mr Harris' abrupt questioning to a recovering seizure patient and concern at Fletch being so disengaged, but she rolled her eyes comedically which caused me to smirk somewhat inappropriately and Mr Harris to frown at me disapprovingly.
Fletch sighed, exasperated at the exchange facial expressions between his disgruntled colleagues and his doctor.
"I've been having headaches," he muttered, causing me to raise my eyebrows in shock and Zoe's face seemed to flood with fear and realisation. I made a mental note to question her later, but turned my attention to the man on the bed.
"Why didn't you say?" I whispered, to which he shook his head.
"It wasn't anything major, I thought it was stress, they happened less when I slept more."
"How many, Mr Fletcher?" Mr Harris frowned, yet again scribbling something in his notes.
"I don't know do I?" Fletch snapped, "I've had a bloody seizure and just got told I have a brain tumour, before that I was in prison, before that I crashed a car and killed her partner," pointing at me, "the rest of my life just feels like a blur, a big worthless blur.", he finished emotionally.
The neurologist said nothing, just continued to scribble on Fletch's notes and then muttered, "I'll leave you to rest Mr Fletcher."
My attention turned back to Fletch as I noticed the tears pouring down his face.
"Hey, don't cry," I attempted to soothe gently, taking his hand.
I noticed Zoe leave abruptly in the corner of my eye, but ignored it and continued trying to calm Fletch down.
"Listen," I sighed, sitting once again in the chair by his bed, "you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened. I don't blame you for Toms death, you can't blame yourself."
"Oh, so where was I when the CPS dropped the bloody charges Sam? I could still go to prison for this, their word against yours. What you think means nothing." He snapped, turning his back to me as he rolled over.
I frowned, momentarily hurt, but decided to blame his sudden mood swing on the tumour and stood up gingerly. "I'm going to go and find where Zoe got to." I said softly, before leaving the cubicle with absolutely no idea where said consultant could be.
Having searched the ward floor, it suddenly clicked where Zoe could've been and a quick peer through the window in the stairwell confirmed my suspicions as I spotted a high-heel-clad Zoe puffing rather aggressively on a cigarette.
When I finally reached her, I noticed how out of breath I'd become walked just a short distance from the ward to the garden below. Clearly a few days of being lax with my workout routine had taken it's toll.
"Zoe!" I called breathlessly as the woman stubbed out her cigarette and began to walk back towards the direction of the E.D. She turned and spotted me with a look of surprise but started towards me nevertheless.
"Sam? What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you, obviously, you disappeared quickly." I said, still out of breath which Zoe obviously noticed as she gestured for me to sit down on the bench nearby.
It was as we sat that I noticed the red rings around Zoe's eyes and her distressed expression masked with raised eyebrows and a fake smile.
"Zoe," I said cautiously, "have you been crying?"
"Of course not." She claimed, a little too brightly.
"What were you doing down here then?" I questioned, "why did you vanish like that when he was upset?"
"You could handle it, he trusts you more than me, I was just getting in the way." she said quickly.
"I'm supposed to be the one whose fiancé had died Zoe, and yet I feel like the counsellor here." I snapped, impatient.
She turned to face me, her eyes immediately apologetic. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I've been a coward and selfish."
"No," I replied, "you haven't, you just need to talk to me."
"Fletch, I'd noticed he wasn't right for a couple of weeks before the crash." she muttered.
"How do you mean?" I stuttered in shock.
"Well, he did look like he was struggling with headaches, he was a little more clumsy. On one occasion I noticed he had to ask another nurse to take over putting in a cannula. I didn't record it, no one did, but it was weird because he's a senior nurse."
"And you didn't mention this to him?"
"No, I didn't feel like it was my place to say, he'd been under a lot of pressure recently and I thought like he said, it was stress. Did you notice?"
"No, nothing out of the ordinary, but I'd been so caught up with that wedding..." I trailed off sadly. "You do know if this goes to court you're going to have to mention it?"
"I know, I've messed up big time." Zoe sighed.
"And you still sent him out with Tom to that RTC!" I exclaimed, somewhat insensitively.
"I know, I'm going to end up in front of the GMC, what with that and the fact I missed the tumour on the first CT which led to a patients deterioration, I'll lose my job." she said miserably.
"You don't know that, it was a mistake." I interrupted.
"I don't know how you do it you know." Zoe said suddenly.
"Do what?"
"You're just so forgiving. I know it sounds like I'm pitying myself but I'm not, you're sat here reassuring me that it'll be okay when I've withheld vital medical information possibly leading to the death of Tom, misdiagnosed Fletch which led to his tumour and basically been emotionally-crippled. All I've done is let you stay at my flat because you're fiancé died and you're sat being a rock for me and Fletch! It's unfair." she finished, leaving me stunned.
"You know," I sighed, "when you're in a country like Afghanistan and you're there to eradicate these bad people you've been trained to hate, but the next second you're having to save one of their lives like they're one of your own...that teaches you forgiveness. No-one is ever completely to blame for anything, life doesn't work like that. You're not completely to blame for Toms death, neither is Fletch. It's just unfortunate our justice system won't see it like that."
Zoe looked me in the eye for the first time since the conversation began, taking my hand and smiling at me as if she was a proud mother. "You've had it so hard Sam, losing Tom like that, and being p-". She corrected herself quickly, promptly quietening.
"Being what?" I said quickly, raising my eyebrows as it dawned on me what she had been about to say. I couldn't bear to acknowledge the statement any further though, in denial myself, and prayed she'd quickly change the subject.
"Being put through all this hell," she said quickly, smiling tightly. She shivered in the cold autumn wind. "Come on, I'm sure Fletch is missing us by now."
I simply nodded and began to follow Zoe for the endless trek back to the ward, in desperate hope she'd not mention that discussion again.
Fletch was awake when we returned to his bedside armed with muffins and coffee, looking mildly ashamed, but I simply held up a hand to silence his apology and chucked a muffin at him.
"You're not nil by mouth, so eat that and shut up." I instructed firmly as I tucked in to my own food, finally enjoying some sort of sustenance for the first time in days without feeling sick.
Our feast was interrupted by the neurologist strolling casually into the cubicle without warning, as per-usual.
"We've booked you a slot for theatre on Wednesday for a biopsy of the tumour, I'll discuss everything with you nearer the time but I'm sure you know what it involves."
"Wait, Wednesday?" Fletch interrupted as something dawned over him. "No, it can't be Wednesday."
"Why?" I said suddenly, raising my eyebrows at him.
"It's Tom's funeral, isn't it? I have to be there for you, I can't miss that." It dawned on me that he was right, it was Toms funeral. I'd forgotten myself, having been forced to completely hand over funeral arrangements to Tom's family- having claimed it was a favour but really I knew they were just picky because I was simply his fiancée and not his wife.
"I'm sorry Mr Fletcher, this isn't a pick or choose, it's the only chance you'll get. I'm sure your friend would value your health over attendance at a personal event." Mr Harris said abruptly before exiting the cubicle, obviously keen to avoid a bust up with this particularly emotional patient.
"How did you know that, I'd forgotten myself..." I sighed.
"That," Fletch said, pointing at the newspaper beside his bed. "Looks like you've found yourself a very unreliable confidante there Sam."
"For goodness sake," I sighed and let my head fall into my hands.
"But seriously Sam, I've got to be there."
"Fletch, I'd already prepared myself that you weren't, you've been in police custody remember? It's no different."
"But I promised Tom, I promised him I'd be there for you. It's going to be the hardest day yet Sam."
"Fletch, I'll be fine. The most important thing is that you get that operation and you're ok. I'll have Zoe with me won't I?" I looked up at the Zoe and she nodded in agreement.
"And Fletch, with all due respect Sam is very capable of making sure she's okay, she doesn't need us to babysit her." Zoe claimed, and I nodded.
"More like the other way round," I smirked, "now budge over Fletcher, I'm beat." And with that I settled beside him on the bed and quickly fell into a restless slumber.
I hope that was okay :) A lack of Sam in actual Casualty now has meant my characterisation skills are probably somewhat deteriorating but hopefully they won't completely go to pot! Saying that, I absolutely love the two new doctors, especially Ethan :D
Anyway, please keep reviewing, I'm nearly on 50 which is amazing! (Oh and thankyou to Lea for shouting at me, I probably wouldn't have got into my 'fanfic gear' in my brain without her!)