This takes place during the time of "New Moon", just after Edward leaves Bella and she resorts to writing him letters to cope.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the rights to "Twilight".

Dear Edward,

I woke up this morning feeling the events yesterday were surreal. How could you have protected me? How was it your voice I heard so clearly? It feels like a dream, one from which I don't want to wake. My being in danger somehow brings you to me. I noticed it the first time and stupidly, foolishly thought about bringing danger to myself, to bring you to me as well. You always said I was a magnet for danger. If I attracted you, how bad could that be? I know I promised you I would take care of myself. But as I told you before, I don't plan to uphold that promise, it is not a way to honor you; it feels only a way to decrease your guilt and keep me from doing what I want to do.

Yes, my rebellious grief is in full force this morning. My ribs are aching and I am in a foul mood. Last night I felt so resolute, determined, and just comforted by your presence in whatever form I had it, but today, perhaps waking from this dream or reality, I am back to feeling angry. Carrot is skirting out of my way to hide in the closet, which makes me feel even worse.

Right now I just have to get out of this house. Yes, I am going to see Jacob again. You said you can get "distracted." He will be my distraction…Does that matter to you? This is my selfishness, that I would use Jacob so deliberately. I do care about him, he does bring me momentary ease, but he is not you. Apparently everything is about you, and my obsession leads me to bypass all values and boundaries. I should feel sorry for Jacob, but my selfishness doesn't even allow me that feeling of remorse. I did try to tell him yesterday and he then ignored what I said, out of his selfishness, I am afraid, for me. What is happening? Where is this going to end? I'll be back later.

Ok, I'm back. To some degree, I've pinpointed well how to bring you to me; it has become to some extent predictable. Riding my bike again today caused you to materialize, and subsequently my emotional roller-coaster knows no bounds. And yet knowing how predictable this can be, I still am missing you more than ever, recovering from the aftermath of hearing your voice, having you near me, if only in my mind. Deep down I know it was not a dream. I know I was lucid, for despite my pain I am sane and conscious of it. I am not undone.

I do wish you were protecting me, watching over me, and staying close. There are moments when I do believe this is happening. When I was in the car with Jacob, somehow you did know to warn me right at the moment needed. That was different from any predictable danger of riding my motorcycle. Can you explain this to me? Are you here somewhere? Please come to me.

I feel so torn, Edward. I am hurting tonight, emotionally and physically. The pain in my ribs from Jacob's embrace yesterday is a constant reminder of how you would never hurt me that way. Your every thought was to take care of and protect me. I saw your face after James broke me. I saw your pride at having defeated the bloodlust in the very midst of experiencing it. And yet you are not here…you have become the one hurting me right now. I know what you said to me, I did believe it, part of me still does, but another part of me somehow hopes that it isn't true. I couldn't have imagined our connection, our love. It was like I was made for you and you were made for me, a fairy tale coming true, my deepest longings and needs fulfilled. You were exactly what I needed and wanted, even when I didn't know how much I needed you.

I think back over my life, random images of taking care of Renee, spending time with friends, all of these are good things, and for the most part happy memories. Even the sad or the painful ones seem mute and dull in recollection. I came alive when you became a part of my life…your presence magnifying every happiness, every subsequent loss or pain shocking in its fortitude. I opened myself up to the joy and despair of life with you. I took that risk and cherished every moment of it. No matter how drawn I felt to you and how mesmerizing your presence was, I made a free choice. You once told me I made such a change in your life, that your life was forever altered. I am indulging in this grief now because it is the only thing that binds me to you. Being mad at you, imploring your return all keep me steadfast on this goal. I am obsessed, some would say, but who wouldn't be? If you were given the most previous gift in life and it was…GONE…wouldn't you want it back? Wouldn't you do anything to keep it near you, even just for a moment? I feel I am crawling in a desert, in the heat of the day, famished and thirsting for even your mirage.

I don't know how to move on from you. You know I don't want to choose to leave YOU. But I realized today that I am at an impasse. I am taking risks I shouldn't and continuing to draw Jacob into a friendship that holds no real hope for him. Staying in Forks is all I have wanted since the moment I knew you, but maybe the only way forward now is to leave. I don't want to visit Renee again. I don't really know what I want. I am in full form as the teenager that I am.

Tonight I have spent hours on the Internet, scouring college programs, trying to figure out how to graduate now and leave now, and as I write this the absurdity of such a plan is obvious. But at least it is something. My life is drawing to a close here, ties are broken, and time is passing. It is probably just a blip of time in your long life, you always said time would pass in this way for me; but you can't know how time is passing, both fast and slow, rapid and creaking, every moment heightened and haunted by your absence.

I hope I can sleep tonight. Carrot has forgiven me for my earlier emotional tirade, attempted to round me up for sleep, and finally settled on my pillow, patiently waiting for me. The moon is full and bright, the air bitingly crisp. I just grabbed an extra blanket from the hall closet and even a little fleece one I tucked around Carrot.

Just so you know...we are going to sleep with the window open. You are invited to visit. If anyone else –or thing- does, well, that is the risk I will take...for you.

You are still welcome, still wanted, Edward, please come home.

Love,

Bella

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