Shine a Light in the Darkness

Chapter 10: Ranting and Rave

Edward and I led the rest of the team on the search, and we were on the trail in seconds. Dream Smoke has a distinctive odor, and a Herdier's strong nose has no trouble following a trail that's less than an hour cold. After a few minutes of traveling, I saw a pair of familiar faces. "Layla," Cheren greeted me as he and Burgh matched my stride (I was jogging at this point to keep up with Edward). "Bianca called me and told me what happened. Our Pokémon are pretty tired from the Gym challenge, but Burgh and I will do what we can to help."

"How was your Gym battle?" I asked, raising an eyebrow playfully.

Cheren groaned. "Not the mid-battle banter I expected." Burgh giggled. "When you battle him, Layla… check your sanity at the door, because you're going to go among mad people."

"Sounds fun!" Edward barked.

"Hey, slow down, Sparky!" Largo complained. "Brom doesn't do running, Tormod's mostly tumbling at this point, and my pants keep falling down!" I recalled that half of the party to their balls. Better to save their energy for Team Plasma.

"How about you?" I asked Burgh as Edward led us onto Gym Street. "How was the battle?"

"Cheren's no fun at all," Burgh complained. "And Burgh doesn't have a date tonight. Awwwwwww…" he gestured like he wanted us to join in.

I had to admit, it was infectious, and I couldn't help but "Awwww…." Along with him until Cheren gave me a dirty look. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Well, it's good that you're keeping your night open, Burgh, because I was thinking of challenging you after we foil Team Plasma. It won't take long, this is like the fourth time I've had to tangle with them in five days."

Burgh grinned with a sort of hunger. "Lucky lady! The Gym doesn't really get rocking until the moon rises! It has everything…"

"Burgh's gym reminded me of a fever dream I had once," Cheren chimed in.

Burgh looked appalled. "Did you just interrupt me when I was describing something?" he asked. "Because kid, I'll give you a sassing you can NEVER recover from!" I almost died laughing.

"They've got some nerve," Cheren remarked.

"How do they put on their pants with cojones this big?" I wondered.

Burgh clasped his hands over his nose and mouth. "This is really cute…" he finally said. "Seriously, this is adorable." He was referring to the building the Dream Smoke Trail led to. It was a tall and very exclusive hotel, and it was right across the street from Burgh's gym. You could knock either building down and hit the other with it. The front doors were swarming with hostile-looking Plasma soldiers, but maybe that was new. What could not have been so new was the placard hanging next to the front doors marking this weekend as Plas-Con. "I must've walked by that sign like fifty times this month," Burgh admitted. "I had no idea they were talking about Team Plasma. I would've bought tickets, because these guys are just so heartwarming."

"I'm sorry, what?" Cheren asked.

"Hey!" a tough-looking Plasma grunt yelled, waving at us. Burgh waved back without much enthusiasm. "Tonight's a private meeting of Team Plasma leadership! We're opening to the public tomorrow night, but for now you have to keep out!"

"Hey," Burgh said, more of a greeting than an interjection. "Listen, um, I'm the Castelia City Gym Leader – you see it right over there, mm-hmm? Yeah, it's pretty hard to miss – and that means I basically have the key to the city and can just barge in wherever the hell I want. So… yeah, stand back for me and my little buddies here, because I'm the sheriff in this town, bitch."

"My orders come from the Seven Sages themselves!" the grunt replied. "Team Plasma doesn't bow to the authority of any single city, and I certainly don't take orders from some smug fashion victim!"

"Oh, okay," Burgh said, clasping his hands over his mouth. "HmmmmmMMMMmmmm…. I guess we'll have to just have to have a Pokémon battle to decide it, like any two decent men with a disagreement."

"And why should I move if I lose?" the Plasma soldier replied with a smirk.

"Because if all your Pokémon have fainted," Burgh said patiently, "I can just bulldoze you yourself. Not that I would, but… the implications…"

"I've heard enough!" the grunt shouted. "Get him, boys!" About a half-dozen random minions surrounded Burgh.

"Oh, boy, I hope there's a dogpile!" Burgh shouted. "Go, Seth!" Burgh sent out a Whirlipede, a sort of purple insect Pokémon with red markings, about the shape of a monster truck tire and almost as large.

"Get ready," Cheren told me. "This is probably your only chance for a sneak peek at Burgh's fighting style."

"Hey, you!" I looked up at two of the Grunts that weren't sending out Pokémon against Seth, both girls.

"I remember you kids," one of them said. "You beat us at Wellspring Cave."

"That was humiliating!" the other agreed. "How about a rematch? We'll show you the strength our convictions have given us!"

"I could say the same thing to you," Cheren said, sending out his Purrloin – which, I noticed, had evolved. "Get ready, Bass."

"I'll show you my strength by not even calling attacks," I proposed. I sent out Largo. "This girl's Pokémon are going to attack you. Have fun."

"Sounds good," Largo said, cracking his knuckles. "Eddie will tag out with me if shit gets real, yeah?"

"Absolutely," Edward agreed. "But I don't think they'll have any giants for me to slay." By now I had turned my attention back to Burgh and his Whirlipede Seth, which was mostly blocking attacks. For now.

"Castelia's hottest Pokémon is Seth," Burgh bragged. "He's got EVERYTHING… an earsplitting scream, venom glands in his tail, a fetching color scheme, and a Defense Curl-Rollout combo!" Seth was suddenly on the offensive, rolling over some poor sap's Patrat and picking up momentum. "Just when you think you're home free, knock-knock. Who's there, is it Snuggle Bug? No, bitch, it's Pursuit! Running just makes you a target!" I watched as a Sandile was flattened trying to get some distance. "With this many targets, the Rollout can just keep going 'til the sun comes up!" Burgh said happily. I took a mental note.

"Just about done here!" Largo called. I turned my attention back to him. A Patrat was lying on the road, conscious but cradling its bleeding nose and mouth. A Sandile had bitten down on Largo's leg, but he had just slipped out of his 'pants', leaving it with nothing. Largo got behind the Sandile and yanked it into the air by its tail. "Aaaaaaand Back Break!" Largo grabbed the Sandile by its tail and neck and slammed it spine-first against his knee. The Sandile gasped, dropping Largo's shed skin. He let it fall to the ground and slipped his 'pants' back on. "Pretty slick, yeah?"

"See?" the Plasma grunt I was battling yelled. "Do you see how cruel people are to Pokémon?"

"He's pretty clearly a Pokémon," I said. "You were actually the only human who took part in this battle."

"Yeah, but…" the Plasma woman fumbled for an argument. "I bet he picked up this behavior from humans…"

"Now, on the curb!" Largo was dragging the helpless Sandile by its tail over to the sidewalk. "Put your jaw on the curb, yeah?" The Sandile growled at him pathetically. "I said 'jaw on the curb,' yeah? NOW!" The Patrat started to cry.

"Largo, that's enough," I ordered.

"You said 'have fun,'" he deadpanned. "Aw, come on, chief. I wasn't really gonna curb-stomp her, yeah?" He sighed. "Hey, maybe next time you could get me a folding chair to use as my Held Item."

The Team Plasma crowd was dispersing, muttering bitterly. Burgh had taken on six of them with one Pokémon, and the general consensus seemed to be to leave him to the Sages present. He marched into the hotel's lobby, Cheren and I at his heels. "That's some Scraggy you found there," Cheren said. "Did you catch him in the desert this morning?"

"Yeah, but he's more of a city Pokémon, really," I replied.

"Funny how urban Pokémon can be so much more vicious than those found in nature," he replied. I looked sidelong at him. Was he implying something? No, it was just a coincidence.

"That was pretty brutal," I admitted, "but the Pokémon will recover. And hopefully I demoralized that grunt as badly as I did her mons. We've fought her twice already. I don't want to fight Team Plasma every day for the rest of my life."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Cheren said. "I've gotta become Champion."

"My word, if it isn't the Gym Leader." I looked up. At the far end of the lobby from the door were two men in furry hats who could only be more of the Seven Sages, flanking the guy with the really weird robes I had first seen in Accumula. The latter was speaking. "This is a private meeting, I'm afraid, so if you've got business, please state it."

"Mmm, yeah," Burgh said, clasping his hands over his face again. "MmmHMMM. I've gotta say, you guys have this really hot thing going on, it's sharp. Terrorists in chain mail: it's original, it's striking, it's very sexy. But I'm not really sure what you guys are doing, and it's just kinda sad when you send Grunts after me to get owned, so why don't you guys clear me up on what's going on here?"

One of the Sages, who wore an orange-lined robe and sunglasses, and had receding white hair, raised his hand. "Yeah, sorry about that, bro. This was my bad. I thought, 'hey, if we set up the hideout right across from the Gym, it'll be too obvious. That bro's not gonna suspect a thing."

"That's because you're an idiot, Bronius!" the other Sage yelled. He was the tan-skinned one in the red-trimmed robe I had seen before the fossil raid. "You couldn't catch a good idea if you were standing outside in a brainstorm!"

"Actually, that worked," Cheren admitted. "We didn't notice this building at all until a Pokémon tracked you here by scent.

Bronius grinned. "You owe me a Coke, Rood." Rood just grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, that wasn't really what I was asking," Burgh pressed. "What are you guys actually trying to accomplish?"

"Well, since you're such an important person and you can appreciate us," the outlandishly dressed man said with a shrug, "I think we can tell you. You're familiar with the legend of the birth of Unova, yes?"

"The black dragon of ideals and the white dragon of truth?" I asked.

"That's the one. Well, each dragon appeared before a hero… a visionary… and showed them the way to unite the world. It shared its knowledge with the hero's supporters, and bared its fangs at their enemies. And in the end, what happened?"

"The hero of the white dragon died in a freak accident," Cheren replied. "And the hero of the black dragon founded Unova and named it after his worthy foe. Everybody who went to elementary school here knows the legend." I was aware of Iris and Bianca approaching us from behind. Iris was muttering encouraging words to Bianca, who was still on the edge of hysteria.

"That's right. Now, Team Plasma seeks to bring about the second coming of the black dragon and its hero. As its founder, Sage Ghetsis, I am confident that we can bring about the world Team Plasma desires – a world where Pokémon are kept separate from the people who abuse them – with the power of the black dragon!"

"Zekrom, the legendary Pokémon of ideals!" The proclamation rang in my ears unbidden. Were N and Team Plasma looking for the same legendary Pokémon?

"Uh-huh," Iris said. "Burgh, did they explain this fascination with Dream Smoke yet?"

"I was just about to ask that," Cheren replied.

"I admit our quest for Munna has been conducted a bit hastily," Ghetsis admitted. "We have put a different Sage on that project starting today. At any rate, we desire Munna because dreams have been proven as a source of prophecy and true sight, and we hope to find the black dragon through that route."

"Bronius is an excellent prophet," Rood added. "That's the only reason we keep him around."

Bronius managed a silly grin. "Keep telling them, bro."

"I knew it would cause friction to obtain Munna from trainers," Ghetsis continued, "but we figured it would kill two Pidove with one stone… not that we kill Pidove with stones or any other implements. After all, liberating Pokémon from unworthy trainers is the foundation of our agenda."

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah," Burgh said. "This is what I was afraid of. You guys are adorable, but we're gonna have to break up. Irreconcilable differences… and stuff." Ghetsis raised an eyebrow. "Here's the thing, Dennis. Castelia City, you may have noticed… we've got a little of everything, every people, in the whole wide world. And a lot of young, sexy folks. The point is, if there's anything we've all got in common, it's Pokémon. Pokémon is my favorite ice breaker, 'cause there's nobody who says to me that they don't like Pokémon. I heard your speech in Accumula on the radio. Very nice, you've got a great voice. And I listened, and I decided… it's going to be even more about my Pokémon for me, from now on. My Pokémon are great! They've got everything…"

"You're a very interesting person, Burgh," Ghetsis interrupted, and Burgh's eye twitched. "And you're smart, too – I like that. I think that when we obtain the heir to the hero and the black dragon – and we're closer than you might think – you'll come around. But for now, I'm going to just agree to disagree. As a sign of goodwill, I'll even return the Pokémon that caused this trouble. Rood!" he snapped his fingers, lifting them from under the robe.

"Yes, Lord Dennis?" Rood asked, his resigned tone indicating he already knew the answer.

"Return this girl's Munna." Rolling his eyes, Rood handed over the bound Munna to Bianca.

"Navi!" Bianca hugged it tight. "Oh, thank you!"

"Bianca!" Iris, to my genuine surprise, slapped Bianca across the back of the head forcefully. "Don't thank them! They took the Pokémon in the first place!"

"I know, but…" Bianca stuttered, teary-eyed.

Ghetsis smiled warmly at the scene. "Even I admit that people and Pokémon often have a touching relationship. But when the black dragon comes again, everybody will see the ideal world – and I'm confident that the choice will become clear then. This world is populated with fools, and not everybody's friendship with their Pokémon is as pure as this one." I saw the guilt creeping into Cheren's expression as Ghetsis turned and bored into him with his visible eye. Then he turned to me – and in that instant, I felt like I was being peeled apart as he looked me through to the core. It made me sick somewhere deeper than my stomach. "I only want the best for Unova," he said. "Farewell…"

"Go, Brollution!" Bronius called. He released a Garbodor – an evolved Trubbish that was practically a walking dumpster without the dumpster. "Use Fling!" The Garbodor obediently spat up a black orb, which exploded with smoke when it hit the floor. I jumped backward to avoid the worst of it, but even then I was left coughing. When the smoke cleared, there wasn't a single Team Plasma member left in the building – just a spent Smoke Ball.

The affair wrapped up quickly after that. Iris introduced herself to us properly – she was a travelling trainer as well, only she was gathering life experience before she took over fully as Opelucid City's gym leader. Bianca was really thankful for the way she had comforted her during her moment of crisis (I had rushed to reverse the damage that had been done, but I had kind of missed the extent to which Bianca had been having a breakdown). So when Burgh said Iris needed a tour guide in the city, Bianca was happy to help. I walked Cheren back to the Pokémon center; he wished me luck as our Pokémon were healed. "Beware his Leavanny," Cheren told me.

My Pokémon and I were just finishing up dinner as we got back to Gym Street. Nothing like Castelia City pizza to warm you up to Castelia City. This was my drug of choice any day. I was most of the way through my fourth slice of meat lover's when I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. "I want you guys to act naturally when I tell you what I'm about to tell you," I said through a full slice of pizza. "We're being watched."

"What?" Tormod yelped.

"I said 'act natural,'" I said angrily.

"I don't know how!" he whimpered, "I was raised in captivity!"

I resisted the urge to facepalm and instead gave him the rest of my last slice (he had finished his already). "Just act like you're getting psyched up for the Gym." I looked around, making it look like I was cracking my neck, but I didn't see anything. "Rolf, help me out here. Open windows with no lights on – see any?"

"Yeah, actually." In the dark, even Rolf was squinting. "Right above us – the hotel that had Team Plasma earlier."

"Where exactly?"

Rolf counted silently for a moment. "Twenty-third floor up… third window from the left."

"Hmm…" I grumbled. "Brom, do you think you can hit that open window with a Rock Blast?"

"What, are you kidding?" Brom asked. "These rocks don't move so fast. I couldn't hit anything more than five or six stories up."

"Shit. Zihark?"

"What, with a Razor Leaf?" he squinted. "I can't even see the windows past floor ten."

I looked straight at the window, hoping whoever was watching me saw that. "It's fine. Let's get inside."

The inside of the Gym was everything Cheren had warned me about, and more. The lobby was mild enough, by which I mean that there was a bench for Clyde the guide to sit in and there were only three colors of lighting. As for the 'floor' of the gym… I'll let Burgh explain it the way his voice popped over the speakers.

"It's got EVERYTHING. Hexagonal chambers made of beeswax… doorways filled with elastic honey… strobe lights, club lights, black lights, fairy lights… black velvet paintings… and the trainers!" Burgh laughed like a noblewoman. "Oh, those trainers! You're gonna love it, sweetie!" Then his voice cut out, replaced with more house music being played at half speed. Clyde tossed me a water bottle, but he had a blissed-out look on his face and was speaking in broken Latin, and I'm willing to bet pearls to Pokéballs that there was something in the fizzy, odd-smelling "Fresh Water" he tossed me.

"Knives, knives, all types of knives!" In the first 'cell', I found the drug dealer from earlier, Harman, dancing with his Munna. "Everybody pick out your favorite knife!"

"Harman?" I asked.

"Short ones, long ones, one with spikes!" he chanted. "Three seconds left to choose your knife!"

"Harman!" I shouted. "Are you a Gym Trainer here?"

"Huh? No, I deal drugs," he explained. "My cousin told me I'd get lots of customers here, and he was right! Would you like some more Sigg?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"That stuff I gave you earlier." He held up the rest of the sheet of it. "Short for Sigilyph Extract."

"That? Nah." I waved it away. "I didn't have much fun on it, and I kept blacking out."

He frowned. "That's not the usual effect it has on people. Maybe you should try some of this instead?" He held up a bottle of pink pills. "This stuff is mostly Dream Smoke extract. I just got my hands on it, and like everybody in this gym bought some! It's good stuff! Some people see the future on it! Other people wake up with a Pokémon in their lap that they met during the dream!"

"I-I really don't think…" I argued.

"Pills! Pills! All types of pills!" Bollo chanted. "Everybody must take at least one pill!"

"Gobble them, swallow them, eat them down!" They were singing together now. "Don't spit them out, because we'll know!"

"Yeah, I'm gonna pass." I walked past him. "I'm saving up for TMs. And more pizza."

"Suit yourself," Bollo said, belching Dream Smoke toward the ceiling.

"Oh, man, Bollo, I could go for some pizza," Harman said.

"Have a good time, Harman," I said with a wave.

He blinked at me. "Call me Frank. Harman's the last name." I made a silent 'oh' and he shrugged. "I wanted to be show biz when I came here, and my friends were like, 'You'll never be a star with a name like Harmonia! But I'm a homeless drug dealer now, so maybe I should've kept it." He shrugged again. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, be true to yourself! Later." He skipped off to the beat of the music. "The pills take hold of your mind and flesh! You're brave and strong, you don't fear death!"

"Weeeeeeee!" Bollo bobbed after him.

I chuckled darkly. Be true to myself? Yeah, and maybe then I would go share a salad with Bianca. "He is just full of bad ideas," I muttered.

"What was that?" Edward said. "It's hard to hear over this music!"

"I said "let's go find Burgh!" I wandered through the open wall of the cell and found myself in front of a metal gate blocking a barrier made of solid honey. "Huh. I'll give credit to Burgh, he's some kind of architect." I turned around. "Do you guys see any kind of… switch…" Back the way I had came lurked what I could only presume was the first gym trainer. He was a dark-skinned guy, about six and a half feet tall, and probably three hundred pounds of fat and muscle. He was dressed in a diaper, booties, and a baby bonnet, and he sucked menacingly on a pacifier. "Have you seen a switch around here somewhere?" I asked him. He shook his rattle in reply. It had a Pokéball on the end.

I climbed up out of the water, soaking wet, and spat. The taste of seawater can wear on you after a few hours. I would've come by a land route if I could, but that was out of the question. Who would let me on the ferry? Permission or not, I needed to be here. It had become clear that as I was, I could not carry out my dark mission, and if Victini granted me his favor, I knew more power would follow.

It was the dead of night, but I heard voices. Sighing impatiently, I hid in the scrubby bushes that grew at the edge of the beach. At any rate, the lighthouse was shining, so I could be spotted – and I could spy on the speakers. It was a pair of soldiers from Team Plasma – a fierce-looking woman and a passive-looking man. My eyes blazed, but I restrained myself to listen to their conversation. "What are you doing out of uniform, soldier?"

"…do you mean my goggles, boss?" the grunt asked.

"No, I mean the foam finger," the woman drawled. "Of course the goggles!"

"I need them to see. They're, um, prescription."

"Bullshit, I've seen you bare-eyed before!"

"I can't afford new contacts… I quit my job when I joined…"

"Don't you have glasses?"

"I thought these would be more appropriate. We do a lot of physical work and-"

"We've got a very strict dress code, soldier! Take them off, and bring glasses tomorrow night!"

"But I'm blind as a bat without-"

The woman pulled the goggles off him and threw them in the sand near me. "I don't make the rules, soldier, I just enforce them! If I see those goggles again, I'm bringing out my Sandile and having it do a contraband search around your genital area! Are we clear?"

"Crystal, sir!" The woman nodded, satisfied, and walked away. The Plasma grunt moaned in frustration as soon as she was out of sight and padded toward me. This was the best chance I would get. I stepped out from the bushes. "Wh-who's there?" he asked, his voice lacking enough confidence to carry above a mutter.

I drove my elbow into his gut, winding him and knocking him over. With my opposite paw I grabbed his belt, falling with him. No Pokéballs – he truly was low-ranking – but he had an antiquated blade on him, a dagger or a short sword. For me it was a fine length, and I liberated it from him. Ironic, considering Team Plasma's mission. "Hello," I said. "My name is Audino Montoya. You have joined the wrong organization. Prepare to die."

He started to scream, so I grabbed him by the hood and cut his throat. Too late – I heard footsteps approaching. I wiped off the sword on his hood and stalked back into the bushes. It was the woman and another man, plus an older man in a fur coat. I recognized him – one of the Sages. I would've smiled if I could take joy in such a man under any circumstances.

"AR-ceus!" the woman shouted. "What the fuck is this? I was talking to this guy two minutes ago!"

"First Victini's gone, now this!" the other grunt complained. My ears twitched. Victini was gone before they got here – bad news for me, but good news for everybody who wasn't them.

The Sage crouched at my victim. "It wasn't the same entity," he said. "This was a clean cut with Adrian's own weapon – somebody strong, but not strong enough to easily kill him unarmed." He stood up, his eyes sweeping around. I closed my own to prevent him seeing their reflection. "You saw Victini's suite – burns, claw marks, doors ripped from their hinges. We have some other company, probably somebody who just arrived on the island." I reopened my eyes, and suppressed a gasp. He was looking right at me, had probably seen me even without my red eyes showing him the way.

"We should get out of here," the male grunt suggested. "One killer with a short sword and one kidnapper with Hyper Beam is two enemies too many."

"Agreed," the Sage said. "As the good book says, 'If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or you may lose.' Another great man once said, 'Discretion is the better part of valor.'" He turned away, walking towards a black shape in the darkness – a boat, I realized. "I say, 'let's get the fuck out of here.'"

I stepped out of the bushes. "Hello. My name is Audino Montoya. You helped to kill me. Prepare to die."

The Sage hesitated. "Montoya, was it? Lord Dennis has been wondering about you." He did not look at me. "Send out your Pokémon and run," he ordered. He did only the latter, but the Grunts tossed a Sandile and a Watchog at me. The Sandile came at me jaws first; I leapt over the attack, Stomped it on the neck, and was past it while it shook off the flinch. The Watchog got between me and its owner; I sensed that it wouldn't go down from a simple Doubleslap, and it looked ready to bust out Hypnosis.

I raised the dagger. Unfortunately for it, I had just learned Slash.

They were already boarding their boat – it had been closer than I thought. "My Watchog!" the remaining male grunt yelled.

"Forget it," the Sage growled, "it's gone!" The female grunt recalled her Pokémon as the man started the engine. The Sage saw me advancing. "Shit." He deployed his Pokémon – a Krookodile – just outside the boat. I remembered it, and from the way it snarled my name, it remembered me.

"Prepare to die!" I repeated. I was only about thirty feet from them now, and closing as fast as I could on my short legs.

"Another day," the Sage replied. "Krookodile, use Fissure." The Krookodile placed its forelimbs on the wet sand, and the ground opened up beneath me in a gaping maw. I tried to grab the edges, tried to find a handhold, but there was only sand and thin air. I finally hit the wet sand at the bottom after a drop that I could guess was at least forty feet. I stuck the knife between my teeth, knowing I'd need both paws to have any chance to dig my way out when the Fissure slammed shut.

A tremendous crashing noise made me turn around. The Fissure had been pretty powerful – too powerful, in fact. The lighthouse had sunk a bit, and was falling over and into the Fissure, smashing itself apart on the sides of the maw. A piece of concrete several times my body weight hit me in the skull and crushed me, forcing my Regenerator to kick in. Sometime between that point and when I regained awareness – it couldn't have been more than thirty seconds – the Fissure slammed shut. I came to blind and deaf from the sand packing me in on all sides. I barely had any idea which way was up, and that way was blocked by solid concrete. I sighed and didn't realize my mistake until sand poured into my lungs.

This could take a while.

Burgh's room at the end of the gym was set on a second floor. It was pretty strange, but not particularly so considering the rest of the building. The entire room was shaped like a giant egg, broad end up… or a beehive. It was all painted in gleaming yellow, and a large stalagmite of crystallized honey hung from the ceiling. The door I entered through slid shut behind my Pokémon, form-fitting into the curved wall. The lights were dim but normal compared to the gym floor. Across from me was Burgh, sitting in a recliner and wearing glasses that looked like compound eyes. A projector from within the hanging spike of honey cast amber-tinted holograms in front of Burgh. I recognized some TV programs, as well as security footage from around the gym. "Ah, Layla!" Burgh clapped for me. "Welcome to the observatory! You did so well against my trainers!"

"You mean the giant black man-baby, the old hobo who was covered only by his beard, and the swarthy, shirtless midget on the unicycle?" I asked.

"And the clowness!" Burgh added, clasping his hands over his face. "The one with that thing…"

"That thing where she looked like a fat clown, but she was actually a skinny clown who kept her Sewaddles inside her jacket like a momma Kangaskhan?"

"Yeah, that thing." Burgh removed his goggles and looked at me. "Damn, girl, what happened to your clothes?" He had only just noticed that my jacket and pants were gone, and my hat, socks, and shoes were slick with honey. My hat also looked chewed-on.

"You weren't watching?" I asked drily.

"Honey, I was only watching you while Queer as Mons was on commercial."

"Well…" I crossed my arms. "Tormod half-melted one of your stupid fucking honey doors during a battle, and I got slimed with honey when I went through it. Then a few of your drugged-up loony partygoers accosted me, pulling my clothes off to suck the honey out of them. My jacket was torn nearly in half, and they broke the button on my pants yanking it off me. I had to have Tormod beat up the guy with my hat and handbag so I could get it back." I uncrossed and recrossed my arms. Luckily, I was still wearing a T-shirt and underwear, so it just looked like I had shown up at Burgh's office for a pajama party. "Tomorrow, I'm going to a tailor and dry cleaners, and I'm gonna bill the gym."

"Aw, sweetie, I'll give you some new clothes!" Burgh said. "I've got just the stuff for you! If you win, that is…"

"Fine," I grumbled. "You shouldn't be letting your gym trainers take drugs that make them try and eat candy-coated challengers, though."

Burgh frowned. "The drug dealers were scheduled for tomorrow night."

"Well, there was one in here tonight. Harman or Harmonia…"

Burgh blinked at me. "I'll have to check the camera footage. But first, a battle!" He stood up and clapped three times. His chair retracted into the wall, taking his glasses with them. The holograms disappeared, and the room brightened up. With the lights on, I noticed the two biggest paintings in the gym. One was of an orgy, and I looked away, blushing. The other was a nice landscape of Pinwheel Forest, and it looked incredibly out of place. "Three Pokémon each, right here," Burgh explained. "Ready?" He sent out Seth, who I recognized from earlier.

"Yeah. Tormod, you're up!"

"Right," Tormod said, stomping forward. "Let's knock these guys down and go get some sleep!" I blinked, realizing it had to be almost midnight by now. Oh well. This shouldn't take more than a few minutes.

"Burgh, I challenge you for the Gym Badge!" I called, making it official.

"It's on, sweetie. Seth, Poison Tail!" The Whirlipede was on us almost immediately, uncurling and lashing out.

"Tormod, Defense Curl!" Tormod got into a more defensive position, letting his tough-skinned, muscular arms and back take the blow. But the tough skin wasn't enough – a spine from the end of the tail stuck in Tormod's arm after the blow, dripping a lurid violet fluid. "Shit."

"Best take care, Layla." Burgh grinned darkly. "The townsfolk may call me the Most Insect Artist-"

"What does that even mean?"

"Don't interrupt me, sweetie – but Pokémon Leaguers call me the Black Queen!"

Yay action chapter! Well, action and some other stuff... like a generous helping of Burgh. In case anybody was still wondering, Burgh is largely based on Stefon, an SNL character who's appeared on about six Weekend Updates. He recommends extremely strange nightclubs around NYC to the crowd, describing them in much the same way that Burgh describes stuff here, and he hits on Seth Myers, which is why Burgh's Whirlipede is named Seth.

Harman is also singing from "The Tizzle Wizzle Show" in the club, a digital short also from SNL and a parody of Yo Gabba Gabba. The sketch is either hilarious or terrifying, depending on your POV, much like Burgh's club.

Montoya! Originally Cheren was gonna discover Victini's lighthouse all fucked up, but Montoya doesn't encounter Layla for a few chapters before or after this (because I haven't been fighting Audino), so I figured what the hell. It also lets me show a high-level Pokemon in action, and Gorm and his steely danger are a nice contrast to the antics of Bronius.

Nuzlocke challenge (c) Nuzlocke
Pokemon (c) Nintendo and Game Freak
Layla (c) me