Interior Landscape

Chapter 10: Prism in Red

BJ greeted Sidney with a hug. "It's good to see you."

Sidney hugged him back. "It's good to see you too. Where's the family?"

"Oh they're back at the hotel. Erin was fussy from the plane ride so Peg decided it would be best to let her catch a nap."

Sidney started for the double doors. "Come back to my office for a few minutes. I want to talk to you before I release Hawkeye."

BJ followed Sidney down the hall and onto the ward where Hawkeye was staying. He looked around the dayroom for his friend but didn't see him anywhere. BJ followed Sidney into his office and sat down in one of the chairs. "Hawkeye does know I'm coming for him right?"

Sidney sat down and smiled at the other man. "Of course. He's been chomping at the bit ever since I told him he was going to be released. I think he has mixed feelings about staying with you though."

BJ frowned. "Does he want to go back to Maine?"

Sidney shook his head. "No I don't think that's it. I think he's ashamed although I've tried to convince him there's no reason to be. Also, you know how independent Hawkeye is." Sidney bent and pulled out a bottle from one of his desk drawers. "Want a drink?"

BJ graciously accepted a glass of the bourbon. "Is there anything else I need to know?"

Sidney took a drink and nodded his head. "He's liable to be moody and somewhat distant especially at first. He needs a lot of support. He's not suicidal anymore or I wouldn't be releasing him but keep an eye out for sudden mood shifts just the same. How comfortable is Peg with this?"

BJ waved his hand. "Oh she's fine. She says she feels like she knows Hawkeye already from all that I've told her."

Sidney smiled.

"Is he going to be on any medicines?"

Sidney held up his hand and left the room. When he came back he was holding a prescription bottle. "This will be enough to get him started. He takes three a day no more and no less. He may balk at taking them but make sure he does. It's important that his blood levels stay stable."

BJ took the bottle and shook it. The only label on it had Hawkeye's name and date of birth on it. "What is it?"

"Hawkeye has what's known as Manic Depressive Illness. This is Lithium. It's a fairly new treatment but the reports are very promising and Hawkeye is doing very well on it."

BJ frowned as he studied the psychiatrist. "Manic Depressive. I know that Hawkeye has always been a little excessive in his moods but that's a bit extreme isn't it?"

Sidney sighed and weighed how much to tell him. BJ was going to be looking after Hawkeye but there was still doctor patient confidentiality. "Believe me, BJ, it's not extreme. He had a very severe manic episode." He paused and took a drink from his glass. "But with this medicine he should be able to live a normal life."

BJ tried to digest what he'd been told. From what he knew manic depressive illness was very serious. It wasn't that long ago that a diagnosis like that got you a one way ticket to places like this. "Okay. How long do you think we'll need to stay in New York?"

"Oh a couple of weeks should be fine. Are you anxious to get back to California?"

BJ shook his head and smiled. "No but I've been on the phone with Colonel Potter. . .Sherman and he and his wife have invited us all down to Missouri for a visit."

Sidney smiled and stood up. "A reunion? It may actually do Hawkeye some good. Come on, let's put him out of his misery and release him."

The ride back to the motel had been completed in silence. Hawkeye had been glad to see BJ and anxious to get outside. He appreciated what his friend was doing but felt bad that BJ had had to come all this way to baby-sit his crazy friend. He took in the sights of the outside like it was a banquet before a starving man. One month seemed like an awful long time to be cooped up inside.

He turned to BJ as they pulled into the motel parking lot. "You didn't have to come all the way out here for me, BJ. I would've been fine. Sidney worries too much."

BJ grinned as he parked the car. "I told you not to worry about it, Hawk. I wanted to do it."

Hawkeye shook his head as he stared at his friend. "Yeah but you haven't even had time to settle back into your own life. You shouldn't be out rescuing me."

BJ sighed as he got out of the car. "You would do the same for me, Hawkeye. It's no problem. Now, I want you to meet my lovely wife and beautiful daughter."

Hawkeye grabbed his bag out of BJ's hands- he wasn't an invalid damn it- and followed him to one of the doors of the motel. BJ stopped and motioned toward the next door. "Peg and Erin will sleep in there and you and I in here."

"You don't have to stay in the same room with me, BJ. Go sleep with your wife."

BJ shrugged and opened the door. "Hawkeye, don't be a pain, okay. I'm staying with you because I want to not because I feel like I have to."

Hawkeye glared at BJ and walked past him into the hotel room. It was your standard fair-nothing fancy. Basic hotel art graced the walls, dull enough to make anyone fall asleep. At least the beds were made and it seemed clean. Hawkeye had been in some motels that would make mice run screaming. He set his bag on the bed next to the door and plopped down on his back with his hands tucked behind his head.

BJ went into the bathroom and came back out a minute later a little more refreshed and a whole hell of a lot more comfortable. "Let me check and see if Erin is awake. Are you hungry?"

"Nah. I ate just a little before you sprung me. I think I'll just lay here for a while and soak up the feeling of being free."

BJ grinned. "Well, don't get too comfortable. If Erin and Peg are awake I know they'll want to meet you." BJ left the hotel door open so he could keep an ear on Hawkeye and walked next door.

Hawkeye kicked his bag off the bed and sat up. He felt irritable. He was drifting and didn't know what to do. He was putting his friend out and BJ was too good to complain about it. He stood up and walked into the bathroom. He stood staring at himself in the mirror.

His hair was so grey it matched the pallor of his skin. He'd been pretty tanned from his time in Korea but that had faded away. His cheeks were hollow helping to create the illusion of deep bruises under his eyes. Hawkeye stared at himself in the mirror and tried to find some shadow of the man he used to be. He rubbed his hand over his face and closed his eyes. When he opened them again he jumped at the sight in the mirror of someone standing behind him.

He whirled around but no one was there. Hawkeye sat down on the edge of the tub and tried to calm his racing heart. He took deep breaths and threw his head back. There was no one there but for a moment he'd seen the image of his father standing behind him. He sat there with his head in his hands trying to sort out what had happened. Had he gone crazy? Really crazy?

Hawkeye felt a hand on his knee and jumped almost landing in the tub. BJ was kneeling in front of him, the worry on his face plain as he searched Hawkeye's eyes.

"What's wrong, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "Nothing I just moved too fast and got dizzy is all."

BJ took his hold of his wrist feeling for the pulse. "Your heart is going a mile a minute." BJ stood up and wet a cloth before putting it on the back of his neck. "You're skin and bones. No wonder you started to faint. Here help me get you back to bed."

Hawkeye stood as BJ took hold of him under his arms laid him on the first bed they came to. Hawkeye lay back and tried keep himself from hyperventilating. He threw his arm over his eyes and tried to sort out what had happened in the bathroom. He'd been thinking about how bad he looked and then the next thing he knew he'd been staring into his father's eyes in the mirror.

He felt a warm softness cover him and removed his arm to see BJ spreading a blanket over him.

"You're freezing, Hawkeye. If I didn't know better I'd say you were going into shock. What happened in the bathroom? It had to be more than you just getting dizzy. You look scared."

Hawkeye stared at the other man and tried to decide how much bullshit he would buy. "I guess this whole ordeal has been pretty hard on me. I just overdid it. I'll be fine after I get some rest." He continued to meet BJ's eyes, willing him to believe it.

"Okay. Fine. Erin is still asleep. I was going to go and find us something to eat but I don't want to leave you alone until you're feeling better."

Hawkeye started to sit up but quickly lay back down when the room started to spin. He desperately needed some alone time to process what he'd seen. "Go ahead, BJ. I won't move from this bed until you get back." At seeing BJ's doubtful expression he rushed on. "Really. I am kind of hungry. I probably won't start to feel better until I eat something."

He watched as BJ studied him before he nodded and picked up the hotel keys. "Okay. But I mean it, Hawkeye. Don't try to get up and move around."

Hawkeye nodded and waved for BJ to leave. When BJ had left the room he let out a sigh and tried to sit up slower this time. When the room didn't tilt he carefully made his way back into the bathroom to stare into the mirror. He willed his father's image to appear again but the space over his shoulder remained empty. He wasn't sure if he'd hoped to see his father again or whether he feared it.

He walked back into the main room and started to pace. He felt so damn restless. There was nowhere to go and no one to see. He had no purpose and it was eating at him. He'd done well to hide his anxiety and depression while at the hospital. He feared if he'd been completely honest they would never have let him out. Hawkeye walked to the door and threw it open and ended up staring in the face of a beautiful blonde woman carrying a small child.

Hawkeye swallowed the yelp that tried to escape. He stared at the woman for a minute before regaining his senses. He recognized the woman of course from pictures and a film that she'd made for BJ.

Peg Hunnicut smiled tentatively and held out her free hand. "You must be Hawkeye. It's good to finally meet you."

Hawkeye took her hand still trying to recover from the shock. "Mrs. Hunnicut. If you're looking for BJ he went out to get food."

Peg smiled and hefted the little girl on her hip. "Call me Peg. No I knew he'd left I wanted to come and meet you."

Hawkeye nodded and stepped out of the way so that she could come on in the room. He pulled out a chair for her to sit in. "I'm sorry I wasn't expecting to meet you until later. I look a mess."

Peg laughed and took the seat. "Erin, honey you ready to meet uncle Hawkeye?" The child blinked sleepy eyes up at him and hid her face against her mother's shoulder. "I'm sorry she's not usually shy. She's just tired."

Hawkeye nodded and sat down on the bed. "I'm sorry to impose on you and BJ this way. I told BJ not to worry about it but he doesn't listen very well."

Peg laughed again and shook her head. "You're telling me. But really it's not any problem. I was glad we could help and I've always wanted to see New York."

Hawkeye nodded and looked around as the silence stretched out. The oddness of being alone in a hotel room with BJ's wife struck him and he stood from the bed. The old Hawkeye would've been able to make a thousand lecherous comments but the new-and not so improved-version didn't have the energy. He realized he was staring at her and began to pace.

Peg cleared her throat realizing the man was uncomfortable. "BJ tells me you're from Maine. Is it beautiful there?"

Hawkeye smiled recognizing her attempt to put him at ease. "Very. It was a great place to grow up." Hawkeye stopped pacing and looked out the window of the hotel. "I came from a small town not a big city like this. It was idyllic I guess you could say."

Erin chose that moment to whimper and Peg started to rock her. Hawkeye had a bad moment. He hadn't heard a child cry since that fateful trip to the beach in Korea. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants and turned from the window. "How about you?"

Peg had noticed Hawkeye's reaction to Erin's whimper. She'd heard from BJ about what'd happened on the bus and subsequent turmoil that Hawkeye had gone through. She smiled at his attempt to brush the memories away. "Oklahoma born and raised. I haven't gotten the chance to travel much so this is a real treat for me."

The door to the hotel room opened and BJ walked through carrying some brown paper bags. He smiled at his wife and dropped a kiss on Erin's tow head. Then he turned to Hawkeye and tried to look stern. "I thought you were going to stay in bed until I got back."

Hawkeye shrugged. "It seemed rude to lie down in the presence of company."

BJ smirked. "Yeah, right. Okay guys we have dinner I hope everybody is in the mood for hamburgers."

Something woke BJ. He couldn't remember what it was but something wasn't right. He peered over to where Hawkeye had fallen asleep on the other bed and sat up when he saw the empty sheets. BJ jumped up and strode to the bathroom but it was empty. Cursing, he pulled on his pants over his shorts and grabbed the motel keys.

He stepped out into the cool night air and looked around for any sign of Hawkeye. He slammed his fist into the wall behind him and grimaced at the flare of pain. Hawkeye could be anywhere. Sidney had said that Hawkeye wasn't suicidal anymore but what if he was wrong? OhgodHawkeyewasmissingandprobablydead. BJ knew something had been wrong with Hawkeye in the bathroom earlier that day and BJ was convinced it was more than just poor nutrition or lack of sleep.

He turned in circles hoping for some glimpse of the other man. Who knew how long he'd been gone. They'd both gone to bed at about ten and it was probably now about two in the morning. "Motherfucker!" BJ turned to the next room and tapped lightly on the door to Peg and Erin's room.

When Peg answered her hair was ruffled and her face was flushed with sleep. "BJ, what is it? Is everything okay?"

"Did you hear Hawkeye come out of the room?"

Peg studied BJ's worried face and knitted her brow in a frown. "No. Is he gone?"

BJ swore under his breath and tried to calm the writhing mass of panic that had started in his belly. "Yeah. You and Erin sit tight. I'm going to go look for him. He left everything in the room including his wallet so maybe he hasn't gone too far."

Peg nodded and clutched the bathrobe tight to her neck. "Be careful, Beej."

BJ nodded and took off in a half jog down the street looking for any sign of Hawkeye.

Hawkeye hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been awakened by a horrible nightmare. Not able to shake the memories, he'd decided to go for a walk and try to clear his head. The night was cool with the feeling of the coming winter and he shivered slightly without his jacket. The city was quieter now, resting for another hectic day. Here and there was still the noise of traffic and lights still dotted the night landscape.

He still felt uncomfortable in his own skin, out of place and adrift in a world that had gone on without him. And now he was putting his friend and his family out because they felt he needed a caretaker. He stopped walking for a minute and stood on the corner of the relatively quiet street. Hawkeye threw his head back and let the cool city wind blow across his tired face. He felt his energy flagging and decided to head back to the motel.

He was looking down at the pavement, preoccupied with his own thoughts, memories, when he started across the street, in hindsight not a particularly smart thing to do. Hawkeye was halfway across the street when he was startled out of his reverie by the sudden light blinding him and the screeching of braking tires. He looked up to see a car (Were cars always that big?) speeding towards him. Too shocked to try and throw himself out of the way he threw up his hands, for all the good it would do him, and tried to shield himself from the impact. He heard more than felt the impact of the car's bumper and hood against his hips. He was airborne for what seemed an eternity though in reality was more like a couple of seconds and then there was a crunch as his head smacked into the windshield of the speeding car.

For a moment he was aware of the scared looking kid behind the wheel of the car. He rolled his eyes, trying to focus and saw the windshield. His last thought before unconsciousness took him was how pretty the spider web of cracks looked. Someone had even added a hint of red to outline the prism made of glass.

BJ was about three blocks from the motel; despair warring with panic for control of his brain. He was about to head down a side road when he heard the screech of tires and a dull thump from up ahead. His gut turned to ice and for a moment he thought he would throw up. He knew, somehow he just knew, that Hawkeye was hurt. 'Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.' Running as fast as he could he covered the distance between himself and the accident with a speed he hadn't used since Korea.

He skidded to a stop and stared at the tableau before him. People were already gathering around the sight of the accident. People bored with their own lives and possessing a morbid curiosity to see what tragedy had befallen some poor soul. BJ pushed his way through the gathering mass and ran to where the body was sprawled on top of the car's hood. He didn't need to turn the lanky figure over to know that the broken, bleeding body belonged to Hawkeye Pierce. He ignored the other people and climbed on top of the crumpled hood. Grabbing Hawkeye's wrist he let out a sigh of relief when he felt a pulse. It was thready and way to quick but it was there. He moved to Hawkeye's head gently, trying not to put any pressure on the shattered windshield lest he fall through.

His head was turned to the side so BJ didn't have to move the head, which was good because he was afraid there might be damage to the spine. He pried open Hawkeye's right eye and stared at the blown pupil. He felt his gorge rise and tried to swallow it back down. He concentrated on taking deep breaths. He would do his friend no good by throwing up on him. He turned back to the staring crowd. "Someone find a phone and call for an ambulance, hurry!" He couldn't help the growl that came out of his throat. His friend was dying and there wasn't a damn thing he could do.

Either more time passed than he'd been aware of or someone must've called for ambulance before he got there because he could hear sirens and in a moment the ambulance came into view. He prayed it was the latter. Every minute could make the difference between Hawkeye's life and death. He helped the paramedics get Hawkeye onto a stretcher barking orders at them. When Hawkeye was safely loaded into the back BJ got the name of the hospital where he was being taken and watched as the ambulance pulled out with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

When the ambulance turned the corner BJ stumbled over to the side and threw up everything he'd eaten in an entire month. He'd seen people in just as bad or worse shape and he hadn't thrown up since his first month in Korea but the fact that it had been Hawkeye's blood that he'd been trying to staunch, Hawkeye's head he'd been trying to hold together had been too much. BJ's stomach continued to revolt and he heaved until tears ran down his face and he was forced to hold onto his ribs.

Over to his right he could hear the kid who'd hit Hawkeye pouring out his story to the cops. "I swear he appeared out of nowhere. He was just there. I tried to stop really I tried but I couldn't do anything. He just jumped in front of the car!"

BJ closed his eyes as his stomach tried to crawl up through his mouth. Sidney had been wrong. Hawkeye was still suicidal and this time he may've just succeeded. BJ wiped at his mouth with his wrist and started to hail a cab when he remembered he didn't have his wallet on him. Cursing he turned back toward the motel and took off at a jog cradling his ribs.

Margaret Houlihan checked her watch as she entered the doors to the hospital. There was plenty of time so she slowed her pace and went into a nearby bathroom. In the mirror she checked her makeup, hair, and made sure her cap was on straight. She was just coming off of a lunch break and wanted to make sure she still looked fresh. As head surgical nurse she had to set an example for the other nurses under her. Satisfied by her appearance she smiled at herself in the mirror.

Her father had been furious when she'd resigned her commission but she didn't really care anymore. She had lived her whole life for him and his beloved army and she had been tired of it. What had serving the army gotten her? Her heart had been broken numerous times and she had no family of her own. She could still be a successful nurse as a civilian and she'd jumped at the chance to take the position here in New York. She wanted to make a life for herself that was her own. Not one that her father had laid out for her.

Straightening her uniform she checked her teeth one last time and started toward the surgical ward. She smiled at the people she knew and felt a sense of contentment settle over her. She was approaching her ward when she slowed and eventually came to a halt. She blinked to make sure she was seeing whom she thought she was seeing. In the surgical waiting room sat a man who looked awfully familiar. He had his elbows on his knees and his head was down but she'd recognize him anywhere. She felt her lunch turn to stone in her stomach as she imagined what could've brought him here.

She approached slowly taking in his blood stained clothing and the disheveled state of his clothing and hair. When he looked at her she could see the confusion in his eyes. There was a smear of blood on his cheek where he'd probably wiped at his face. His eyes were bloodshot and his face flushed. She stared at him but couldn't find words.

"Margaret?" The voice that came out was choked and faint with grief.

Margaret set down on the chair next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. "BJ, what is it? What are you doing here?"

He stared at her a moment trying to integrate the strange new twist he blinked as reality hit him hard. "Margaret?"

Margaret stared at him worriedly. He looked to be in shock. "Yes, BJ, it's me. What's happened?"

BJ stared at her a few more moments before shaking his head, shaking a few more tears loose as a result. "Hawkeye is in surgery. Concussion, probable subdural hematoma."

Margaret drew in a gasp and dropped her hand. Hawkeye? She remembered his goofy grin and their last kiss before she headed out of camp. She touched her lips; still feeling the warmth of his lips as he'd nibbled at her own, still feel his tongue as he'd explored her thoroughly. She blinked as tears came to her own eyes. "What's happened?"

"He was hit by a car. Some poor kid out in his dad's car hit him." BJ's voice choked off. "It looks like he deliberately stepped out in front of the car."

Margaret was silent trying to let the news sink in. Not only was Hawkeye badly hurt but he'd done it deliberately? "My God, why?"

BJ sat back wondering how much to share with the former major. Deciding it didn't really matter now he told Margaret about the hard time Hawkeye had been going through.

Margaret sat and listened, her face going pale as she heard the details that had led up to this moment. "I had no idea…I wish I'd known. Does Sidney know?"

BJ nodded and closed his eyes. "He said to keep him in touch and he'd come up when he was needed." BJ tried to choke back a sob. What Sidney had meant was 'if' he was needed.

She stared at BJ. The man looked absolutely exhausted; his fear and worry wearing him down. She stood and tried to push her feelings out of the way in order to put on her professional mask. "I'll go scrub up and see if I can assist in the surgery. I'll keep you updated."

BJ tried on a smile but it came out tired and ghoulish. "Thanks, Margaret."