- Chapter 10: The Audience -

As they sat waiting together, Hindel felt Nancie's eyes upon him. It made him feel strange inside, but not embarrassed. They were beyond that point in their relationship now.

"Are you nervous?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Should I be?"

"No," she said, tilting her head at him slightly. "But most people would be. It is an audience with the king and queen, after all."

He shrugged. "Iom himself has called me as his chosen servant. How can I be impressed with earthly leaders?"

"Something is bothering you, though. At least, that's how it looks to me," she added, as though in apology. "If there is something, I'm willing to listen."

He nodded, but couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes as he told her, "I prayed to Iom this morning. About how I... killed Brehen."

She turned her eyes away from him, not with shame or revulsion, but with polite discretion. What happened to Brehen was not a sensitive issue for her, but she seemed to understand that it was one for him. "And did he answer?"

"Yes. ...Basically, he said just what you said. That Brehen was desecrating the shrine, and deserved to die."

He paused there, and she said, "There, you see. You have nothing to be ashamed about."

He resumed, "Then I told him that that wasn't why I killed Brehen, that I was just angry at him. I mean, I say that I told him, but of course he already knew. And he..." He trailed off, staring into the distance.

"He what?" she prompted.

For another few moments he just continued staring, looking for some meaning and purpose that he knew in his heart was out there in the distant heavens, but unable to find it.

Then he finished, "He said that it didn't matter. He said that because I am his chosen one, I have the right to kill anyone, for any reason."

Nancie returned her eyes to him, and this time she looked confused. "That bothers you?"

Hindel turned to meet her eyes as well. "Doesn't it bother you? Knowing that I could kill you at any time, and it wouldn't matter to Iom?"

Her eyes didn't waver from his. "But you wouldn't. You're a good person. You wouldn't kill anyone who wasn't truly evil, not unless it was absolutely necessary. Even then, I think you'd hesitate." She smiled gently. "Hindel, death is a fact of life. We're all going to die at some point, and many of us die every day. Sometimes justly and at the right time, but very often unjustly. You're Iom's chosen one; every death at your hand will be a just one. How can you say that isn't a beautiful thing?"

He turned away from her sharply. "Because it's murder," he returned. "It doesn't matter who the victim is, or whether or not it was their right time to die. It's still murder."

"Even when our god says that it is right?"

"That's exactly what bothers me. I'd always imagined..." His head drooped. "It sounds so egotistical when I say it, but I'd always imagined that Iom's morals and values were the same as mine. Now, well... obviously they aren't."

For a moment the two of them were silent. Then she said, "But that's not egotistical at all. It's perfectly normal. Every decent person holds to the morals and values they believe are right. And every logical person can see that the right morals and values must be those of the gods."

"Thank you. But that doesn't make this any easier." He raised his head, but his hands continued to clench in his lap. "I still believe in my own morals. I know that a mortal can't judge right and wrong over a god anymore than a rat can judge right and wrong over me, but I just can't stop believing what I believe."

"I don't think Iom expects you to. Your morals may not be Iom's, but they're not opposed to them, either."

"That's true, but..." He remembered what Iom said the first time he spoke to him. That many of the things he was meant to do as Iom's chosen one would be unpleasant. "...No, I guess you're right. There's no reason I can't be true to both myself and Iom. That's what he wants for me." He unclenched his hands and idly glanced at the door. Then he noticed something. "You're looking at me that way again. Have I sprouted more wings?"

He regretted the flippancy of the remark as soon as he said it, but she didn't seem to mind. "No, I just keep thinking of how amazing this all is. When you first told me that Iom had chosen you before you were born... Even then, I didn't imagine anything like this."

They were silent again, and a thought struck Hindel. "You know, now that you mention it... You never made good on your half of the deal."

"Deal?"

"You know, when we first met..." He flushed slightly as her eyes still showed no sign of remembrance. "...We said that when we met again I'd tell you about what Iom said to me, and you'd tell me why you couldn't stay and talk more right then..."

"Oh, that." She stared into her lap. "I think I was hoping you'd forget about that. Okay. Um, basically, my family doesn't approve of me spending too much time in shrines, especially not at human sacrifices."

"You mean... they're unbelievers?"

"No, not at all. They're very devout. It was because of something I did, when I was seven years old. They had just taught me about human sacrifice, and..." She paused, said sharply, "You can't tell this to anyone, you understand?" Without giving him time to reply, she resumed, "They had just taught me about it, and I was so eager to prove myself a good devout servant to our god, I... I took my baby sister out of her crib, and... I brought her to the shrine."

She said nothing further for a minute. Hindel understood the implication, but he wasn't sure if he should say anything, or what to say if he should.

She abruptly continued, "Of course they turned me away at the shrine. They even had a guard take me home and tell my parents. It's funny, at the time I was too young to even realize that what I did was wrong. I only knew by seeing how upset my parents were. So every year that's gone by, I've felt a bit more mortified when I look back on that day. I know that I shouldn't; I didn't mean any wrong, and I was too young to know better. But I can't help it. And sometimes I feel like I can't go on another day without apologizing to my sister for what I did. And of course I can't, because if she knew about it, it would make things awkward between us. She couldn't help but think me an inhuman monster if she knew."

Hindel still didn't know what to say. The obvious thing was to tell Nancie that her sister would understand if she told her, but Hindel didn't believe that, even for a moment. There were certain things that even your family would never understand, like his dream of killing his parents. Perhaps everyone held at least one such secret, but even if that were so, they could still never be spoken aloud.

But then, it struck him that in this case understanding was of much greater value than reassurance, which could only be hollow. He knew what to say. "I know how you feel," he said with a slow nod. "A few months ago, I had an extremely vivid dream where I murdered both of my parents by sacrificing them to Iom. It was just a dream, but still, there was no way I could ever tell them about it. Even if I would never do it, just having dreamt about it was bad enough. And it made me feel so guilty, because... in a way, sacrificing my mother and father to Iom is actually appealing. I don't want to murder anyone, much less my parents, but I would like to make that profound a sacrifice to our god."

He turned to Nancie then, and found her eyes gleaming, on the verge of cathartic tears. "That's... That's it exactly. I didn't really want to hurt my sister; I just wanted to give something special to Iom. You understand."

"Yes," he said, looking back into her eyes. He meant it both ways: he understood her, and she also understood him.

Until now, he'd never have thought he could tell someone of his darker fantasies without their rejecting him. His parents were not judgmental at all, but he knew that he could never tell even them. If he did, they would be afraid of him. They might dismiss the idea that he would really kill them, but they could not dismiss the idea that he could kill his siblings, even though he never would do such a thing. But Nancie... She knew, and she still saw him in the same light. He felt an urge to confess everything to her: the lies he'd told his mother to keep her from knowing how passionate he was about his faith, the time he'd lost his temper with Josh, his late night excursions to find sacrifices for Iom, even his feelings towards her.

He did not tell her any of those things, but only because it would have been too much all at once; he did not in any way fear her reaction. She reached for his hand and clasped it with hers. Feeling an uncomfortable but not unpleasant warmth growing in his chest, he laid his other hand over hers in reassurance.

Hindel had never experienced such intimacy before, yet it felt perfectly natural when Nancie opened a more casual subject, "I wonder why they're making us wait so long. The audience was at their request."

"Maybe something came up."

Nancie was momentarily considering that when a lizardman guard passing them in the hallway abruptly turned and gave the two of them a second look. He squinted at them oddly for a moment, then walked very solemnly towards them. "Sssssir Hindel?" he said. Hindel found it hard to tell with lizardmen, but it sounded like a youthful voice, probably not much older than Hindel himself.

"Yes?" he answered, searching the guard's face. He idly wondered if they were finally being called into the audience chamber, but got the sense that that was not the case.

"My name isss Redgar. I... wassss there at the ssshrine yesssterday evening, and I wassss very moved by your sssspeech. I haven't attended worssship in a long time, but when I heard that the sssson of Deanna and Natasha and the nephew of General Hindel wassss becoming a priesssst, I felt I had to come. But I never expected to have my faith rejuvenated like that."

Looking upon Redgar, Hindel was again amazed, as he had been with Alric, at what Iom could accomplish through him. "Performing the unexpected is Iom's way," he said to the guard. "He is our god, after all. Mortals like us can't hope to anticipate him. That's why we have to hold fast to our faith, even in dark times."

"Yessss. I wassss wrong to let go of it. But... it wassss alwayssss so hard to believe at all. Never in my life until now did Iom work any wonderssss."

"He's been working them," Hindel smiled. "Just not where you've been looking. By the way, why did you mention my uncle? Why is he so special?"

"My father wasss a sssergeant under him. He told me how General Hindel treated lizardmen assss more than crude mussscle when no one elssse would. I've often thought that may have even inssspired the work your parentsss did to change our livessss."

Hindel nodded; now that Redgar mentioned it, he did seem to recall his father mentioning that about his uncle at one point.

Redgar bowed. "I have to go back to my dutiessss, but it wassss an honor to meet you, sssssir Hindel."

"Thank you. I hope I can talk to you again sometime, Redgar."

As Redgar resumed his walk down the hall, Hindel thought of how odd it was that lizardmen made his father so nervous. Even when he'd first met one, as a young child, he'd always thought they looked more comical than frightening, with the way their slim tongues flitted in and out of their mouths as they spoke.

Mostly, though, he felt a sort of pride in himself at how well he'd handled the encounter. Usually he was a bit awkward with strangers, at least at first, but this time it had all happened very naturally, despite the momentousness of the occasion. He'd spoken about Iom's glory without the fear of his words being misunderstood or rejected. It felt good.

The doors to the throne room suddenly opened, and from within a gruff voice said, "Sir Hindel, you and your companion may enter."

"Finally," Nancie muttered as she got up. "You'd think they didn't have the slightest clue who you are, after about a hundred people witnessed you manifesting Iom's power."

"We can't lose our patience with them," he whispered back to her. "Like you said, most people just need a wake up call. We have to give them that chance."

"I know. It's just frustrating."

They entered the throne room. King Amelo and Queen Gillian sat on their thrones, and next to them sat Yurligi, the queen mother. Below them stood a handful of officials who Hindel did not recognize.

Hindel realized that this was, in fact, the first time he had seen a dark elf. Yurligi, like the man to whom she had been consort, the late King Warderer, was a member of that rare species, and naturally so was their son Amelo. Queen Gillian was an ordinary elf, and though supposedly she had a trace of dark elf blood in her, there were those who argued the royal couple's failure to conceive a child cast doubt upon that. For his part, Hindel doubted that it was possible for elf and dark elf to copulate at all; though he'd read of it happening, he didn't see how they could have remained two wholly different races if they were interbreeding. Looking upon King Amelo's strange facial features made him doubt even further that beings so drastically different from elves could possibly breed with them. It was an effort not to stare at the sunken slopes of his cheeks.

"Thank you for coming, Hindel son of Deanna," King Amelo said. "As I'm sure you have guessed, we called you here to discuss what happened at the shrine last night. May I ask how you were able to transform the way you did?"

"It's simple, Your Majesty," Hindel answered. "I am a servant of Iom, our god. So he allows me to channel his power. I'm not the first to have done this."

"Yes, but you're the first to have done it during my reign." The king studied his face, and it struck Hindel how little shrewdness there was in those eyes. He decided to focus on that unexpected innocence and openness, rather than on the distracting dark elven physical features. "You caused quite a stir at the shrine."

"Yes. But my impression was that the people were held more in awe of Iom's power than in fear of me. They realized that only our god could have caused such a transformation. Once the word spreads, people will know to greet the sight of our god directing his will and protection with joy, not confusion."

"...I see. Then you intend to continue with your ministry?"

Hindel nodded. "Of course. It is Iom's will for me."

The king and queen both looked concerned now. "Then we must consider the potential for a nationwide religious reawakening. I'm sure you have already considered the impact of such a thing from a priest's perspective: the good it would do for our god. But as king, it is my responsibility to consider the good of the people."

Hindel shifted on his feet. He had a bad feeling about where this was going.

"From that perspective, certainly, there are advantages to being a religion-dominated country. Religious citizens are by nature patriotic citizens. Moreover, no one can deny the justice of serving the god who ensured our nation's existence."

"And who continues to ensure its existence," Hindel put in.

"Yes. But, for all the advantages, there are also some very serious disadvantages. With great devotion to Iom comes rampant abuse of human sacrifice. Remember how things were during my father's reign. He even had his predecessor King Aaron, my queen's father, sacrificed to Iom."

"Forgive me, Your Majesty, but King Warderer was a madman. You can't judge our religion by his example."

The king shook his head. "You misunderstand. My father is not my example. His reign is. The reason why my father succeeded in murdering King Aaron, taking control of the kingdom, and freely antagonizing our neighbors was because the people believed he was doing Iom's will. The point is, once religion is instated as the law of the land, it opens the door for opportunists like my father. And ultimately, chaos and ruin follows."

Hindel hesitated. This was similar to the argument Dust had used earlier, but King Amelo was putting it all in strictly practical terms, without regard to the moral element. That, he had to admit, made it harder to refute. Harder to even believe that it was wrong.

"And so, priest Hindel, as king of Iom I must ask you to restrain your holy desire to spread the word of our god wherever you can. For the good of our people."

As King Amelo said those words, something happened to Hindel. Iom spoke to him. That was momentous enough whenever it happened, but this time was different. This time Iom was giving him not information, but a command. Hindel's entire being felt charged with excitement at his finally having something important he could do for his god. Iom had given him so much, and now he at last could give something meaningful to Iom.

This audience, Iom explained to Hindel, was the beginning of the destiny intended for him. If Hindel did not act as Iom told him to, his plans could never come to fruition.

Hindel did not need to know that to convince him to obey Iom's command, but it did serve to excite him further. He steadied his body with an effort, then said, "No."

The king started. "I beg your pardon?"

"People in Iom will suffer because of my restoring the faith. I admit that. But even if there weren't more people who would suffer without my intervention, that's no excuse to turn our backs on our god."

Queen Yurligi and the assembled officials were now staring at Hindel. Only Queen Gillian appeared indifferent to what he had just said. "You..." Amelo quivered. "You defy the will of your king."

"You defy the will of our god," Hindel retorted. "If not for Iom's actions, you wouldn't even have a country to rule. You have your throne by Iom's authority only; he can easily take it away from you."

"And what gives you the right to speak for Iom?" Amelo snapped.

"I don't speak for Iom," Hindel said, with a deep calm. At a certain level he was aware of Nancie still at his side, standing back slightly to stay out of the way, and of the king and queen before him, and of the officials present. But at another level they all seemed distant, like inconsequential spirits from another plane, with no bearing on matters in this world. All that really mattered was Hindel himself and Iom, who seemed there beside him, his hand upon Hindel's shoulder, giving him strength he'd never known he had. "Iom speaks through me. He gives me the words of hope for our people, and I deliver his words. Right now he wants me to tell you, King Amelo, that if you ask his forgiveness for trying to prevent the spread of faith and obedience to him, he will rescind his punishment for you." He paused a moment, then said, "I think it is a very generous offer."

Amelo was quivering still, though he was clearly trying to restrain it. Hindel realized, suddenly, that the king was quivering not with rage, but with fear. There was no fear in his voice, however, as he answered, "I make no apology for trying to protect my people. If you feel the restoration of... religious ardor is that important to our god, then very well; we can discuss that another day. But for now, you will refrain from further demonstrations, or you will be punished according to the law for defying your king's orders."

Hindel shook his head. "The punishment for defying Iom's orders is more terrible than the punishment for defying yours. You'll learn that yourself, now that – Oh?" Hindel froze for a moment, listening to Iom's voice. What it said surprised him, but he did not hesitate to relay it honestly. "Iom says he'll give you another chance. You'll have a few more weeks to make your apology – so long as you don't interfere with his work, of course. He feels that's something he owes you on behalf of one of his greatest servants, your father, King Warderer."

"You said Warderer was a madman for his royal sacrifices," King Amelo smirked, thinking he'd caught Hindel out. "Now you call him one of Iom's greatest servants?"

"Not because of that. History says that King Warderer was killed by my father, but Iom tells me the truth is that Warderer willingly sacrificed himself to him." He gave a nod. "It's very rare that a member of royalty gives himself up to Iom. I suppose that in a way, your father was a greater king than you."

King Amelo stared his wrath at Hindel. "You are dismissed, Sir Hindel. I would be happy to have the guards escort you and your companion out."

Hindel bowed. "That is not necessary. Iom is always there to show me the right way."

He and Nancie turned and left. The guards standing at the doors, whom he had somehow overlooked when they came in, looked relieved that they did not have to escort them out.

Once the door closed behind them, Nancie said, "Wow. You... you did it. I should feel more upset that the king tried to silence your ministry, but I'm just amazed that you told him off like that."

Hindel nodded numbly. "It was incredible, Nancie. They were Iom's words, all of it, but he needed me to speak them for him. It was like... I was Iom's voice. And I should have been so terrified, to talk back to the king of Iom, but I wasn't. I knew that Iom is with me, and that he'll never leave me, and that so long as I have him no mortal being can harm me."

"Or me, I hope? King Amelo probably wouldn't mind taking his wrath out on me."

"You'll be fine so long as you're with me." He looked at her with some surprise. "You don't sound too worried about it."

She shrugged. "There are worse fates than being a martyr. So long as I'm with you, at least I know that anything which happens to me matters."