A/N – More insight into Regina's past, a reveal about Emma, and a twist at the end. Happy reading.
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Chapter 10 – The Doubt
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Regina shifted, drawing her bare legs up to her chest as she exhaled deeply. The green silk sheet tangled around her limbs like a vine woven between the posts of a fence. Deep in her subconscious she heard a soft murmuring.
"Mm…"
The cool spring air coming through the bedroom window gave her skin a slight chill and she shivered involuntarily. She turned over onto her stomach. Fan of hair spread out on her pillow in her tossing gave her cheek a soft place to nest into.
"Mmmm..."
Regina's eyes cracked open, letting the quiet of the night register her partial conscious. A bleary eyed glance at her clock through some strands of hair covering her face revealed the ungodly hour. 12:32 AM, still six full hours before she'd have to get up for the day. With a soft groan of displeasure at having woken up, she pulled a pillow over her head.
"Noooo!"
The shrill scream slapped Regina awake like a bucket of ice water stinging with every drop. She bolted upright.
"Emma?" Regina called out, but was drowned out by another scream. She yanked the covers off and rushed out of bed. The shrieking grew more intense as she bounded out of her open door and into the dark hallway.
"Ma… Nooo!"
The wail coming from Emma's room was heartbreaking and for the who referenced in that wail she cringed. Regina pushed open the door all the way. Emma was huddled up in a ball against the headboard of the twin canopy. Tight little face was drained of color and mouth stuck in a grimace with eyes shut into tiny slits.
A night terror Regina was sure and that changed her response. She had learned to try and not wake Emma during these episodes, having found it was much harder to settle the girl afterwards. But she knew Emma would wake up soon enough on her own. The sheets were soaked with sweat and needed changing. She went over and sat on the edge of the bed, moving the knotted blanket away to give Emma's cramped legs some room. Slowly over the next minute that small face began to relax and her daughter rolled over closer to her. Regina gently ran her hand through Emma's hair, moving the plastered strands away from a forehead and cheeks stained with tears.
After several minutes, Emma's eyes cracked opened. Blurry green registered the familiar silhouette against her nightlight and the warm hand cupping her cheek. Grunting with heavy sleep she pressed into it closing her eyes again. Then she shivered and realized she was cold. Cold and wet her eyes snapped open and she jerked upright. Up as she was lifted up to sit on her Mom's lap. There she began to relax, a whimper escaping as she shivered again. That only happened when she had a nightmare or night terror. The terror she never remembered, but she understood made her body react in certain ways. That unknown was what she was afraid of upon waking, but in these arms it was easier. Safer to feel these overwhelmingly heavy, unknown things.
"I'm here baby. You're alright." Regina soothed right into the shell of an ear. Those familiar consoling vibrations seemed to further settle Emma. Regina turned the small body around and cradled rocking slowly back and forth. "You had a night terror."
"I know." Sniffling. "I mean I know because I don't remember." Emma corrected, rubbing her swollen eyes and snuggling closer.
"You're safe and I've got you." Regina comforted, adjusting Emma on her lap so her arm wouldn't fall asleep. After a few more minutes of cuddling, Regina shifted to lift Emma off of her lap to stand. A through whine left a pink mouth. "I know baby, but I need to change these sheets and you need new pajamas." She went to the dresser and retrieved a new T-shirt and panties. Then taking a hand, she led the way to the bathroom where she wet a cloth and wiped Emma's face, neck and arms down. The cool cloth had a soothing effect and the girl began rocking on her feet. "Do you think you can change while I make up your bed?"
Emma's brows knit in sleepy thought and she nodded reaching to pull her shirt off as her Mom left. A few minutes later she returned to her room just as her covers were being pulled back. Regina patted the bed and Emma shuffled over and crawled in to lie down. She yawned as the bed dipped beside her.
"Thanks, Aun—Mom."
At the slip, Regina searched those deep green questions looking up at her as she thought about what the night terror must have been about with the way Emma had been calling out. She didn't want this shift in names to be a big deal. Since Emma had started calling her Mom, the nightmares and terrors had been more frequent. And she wondered if it was a healthy shift of Emma's subconscious working out past issues, or if it was something else.
Since the adoption years ago she had promised herself that this gift of affection would be Emma's decision when and if it ever happened. Now here, she began to ponder the adjustments their relationship might go through because of it. Emma was already going through so much, but things were beginning to calm down in their life. They were finding a rhythm to living again since the suicide and her Mother's appearance last month in April. The new diagnosis from Dr. Nolan was also something that was settling in for both of them and they were adapting with some additions to their routine and way of doing things.
There was a lot Regina was learning about having a child with ASD—in Emma's case, high-functioning autism. It made so much sense when the test results and observation notes came back. Emma lack of understanding social cues or difficult emotions and when stressed in a social setting how Emma would shut down. The fits over seemingly unimportant things were now understood for what they were—over stimulation and anxiety that hid behind what seemed like anger over something out of place or a misstep in routine. The very way Emma was devoted to routine and order now made sense.
It was a relief to finally understand her daughter's needs more clearly. Regina spent a lot of time the last month defining structures with Emma. There was now a large calendar on Emma's bedroom wall with their week laid out in advance. She made much more of an effort to explain what would happen during the day at breakfast or where they were going and why. This highly predictable routine along with plenty of patience and occupational therapy sessions with their weekly appointment with Dr. Hopper was beginning to make a difference.
Regina was grateful for the good days. There were certainly more of them then there had been, but with the way Emma was looking at her now and for the slip of title she needed to be sure Emma was sure; was ready. "You know, sweetheart if you have more feelings about calling me Mom, its okay to tell me about it. I know you love me like that and I love you like my daughter. I always have and I always will. A word doesn't change those feelings." Regina explained, pushing a stray strand of curly hair off of Emma's face.
"It does so." Maybe not her feelings, Emma thought, but it did change stuff. A lot of stuff even if she couldn't say what all that stuff was yet. She was learning ways to say more of how she felt. So she tried to say something. "Don't say that M-o-m." Emma said, stretching the affectionate syllable with such conviction in the middle of a yawn.
"Okay baby. I'm sorry. As long as you're—"
"I'm sure." Emma interrupted an issue that wasn't one, yawning again.
Regina nodded, bending to kiss a cheek. "Alright then, I love you baby. Sleep well." She stood to leave and stopped in the doorway looking back. She gazed at Emma who had now turned over again.
Overnight Regina had taken on something bigger than she had ever imagined herself to be. A huge part of her was ecstatic, feeling complete with her new title, the other part nagged at her strong sense of reality that this was the beginning of something. A shadow of doubt about her ability to be what Emma needed her to be hovered around her heart, unsettling her. It had always been there hiding. Sometimes she felt it on the tougher days, but now it was constantly present for the weight her new affection held.
And her history with this named doubt was not one that she could close a door to so easily. Not for the mistake she had nearly made long ago when she had almost given into it. She shook out her hands out, that memory wrapped her up way too tight as she left her daughter to sleep.
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Emma bit her bottom lip as she fingered the gold and ivory ring while she stood in the downstairs half bath by the counter. The door was half open like always giving her the illusion of privacy. Looking closely, she gently traced the beautiful outline of an unknown woman's profile with her nail as she thought about the day.
The Cameo ring she held in her hands was well over a hundred years old and a valuable piece that belonged safely tucked away in the drawer of her Mom's vanity. Emma turned the ring, watching as the light caught the gold here and there, giving the piece a glittering quality.
She had shut herself away in here after coming home from school trying to figure out her next step when her Mom had went upstairs to put things away. Emma was sure earlier that day that she'd have the best show and tell for her class's recent History lesson about art in ancient Roman culture. Her teacher, Ms. Blanchard, was also friends with her Mom and had been especially glad that Emma had gotten 'permission' to bring such an example of the art style in to share with the class. That's when Emma realized she should have asked permission.
'No, it was before then,' Emma thought. This morning when she had slipped into her Mom's room while breakfast was cooking; her stomach had felt funny opening that velvet lined drawer. Funny because she was doing something she should not be. She hadn't recognized the feeling right away, but looking back now she more than did for what it was.
Her stomach bubbled again as the guilt of taking something she had not asked for grew inside of her. That was the word for this feeling she decided. Slightly proud of herself for finding the right word even in her wrong doing. This ring was special to her Mom. Special like the journal she had ruined months ago in January was special. That had been an accident. This had not been. That difference was striking and in it Emma didn't quite know what to do. She knew Regina would never have allowed her access to the ring or any of the jewelry. Now, she faced the task of putting the ring back before it was missed. Or to tell about what she had done.
Both were not easy tasks.
Footsteps echoing on tile of the downstairs landing startled Emma, causing her to drop the prize she was holding. Her eyes grew wide as she heard the faint clink-clink of the ring tumbling down the side opening of the drain stopper. Quickly she yanked at the stopper and felt the weight resting at the bottom of the catch shift.
Clink.
Then nothing. The weight was gone. There was nothing in the hole she was looking in.
"Sweetheart?"
The clicking of heels came closer. Emma shoved the stopper back in the hole and jumped back from the sink. Her mouth went dry, guts churning.
Regina tapped on the door and popped her head in. Seeing Emma's pale face her brow wrinkled in concern. Questioning as she pushed open the door fully. "Is something wrong?" She leaned against the doorjamb crossing her arms.
"I feel sick, like I am gonna throw up." She squeaked honestly. Emma's gaze did not leave the sink's drain as she felt Regina's hand on her forehead and then her cheek.
"Well, you don't feel warm. Maybe you should lie down for a while. I'll bring you some ginger tea for your stomach. That will help with the nausea." Regina instructed, now leaving the girl to go and brew the promised drink.
Emma swallowed hard watching out of the corner of her eye as the sound of her Mom's heels faded away. She went right to the sink, taking out the stopper again and shoving her fingers down, curling and reaching. Coming up with nothing, she leaned back against the wall wondering what she was going to do or say to make this right.
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Regina sat cross legged with her eyes closed. After a moment she inhaled deeply through her nose, bringing her palms together over her heart as if in prayer. Exhaling slowly she raised her head and hands, still clasped together, toward the ceiling of her bedroom centering her being and feeling a rush of energy shoot down her spine. Low acoustic music played in the background from the small speaker on her nightstand. Another breath in and she focused on holding her position.
"Mom?"
A soft question and the sound of her bedroom door squeaking open made Regina's eyes pop open. Letting her breath out in a rush from the interruption, she stretched her arms out behind herself, arching her back in a deep stretch.
"Baby when my door is closed it means I am meditating and enjoying my yoga. We talked about not interrupting me unless it's important." She reminded gently as Emma's head poked through the opening of the door.
"But I need to ask you a question."
Regina eyed her daughter patiently as Emma stepped into the room twirling one long curl around a finger. Which questions were and were not important was always debatable between them. She undid her legs from the lotus position, stretching them out in front of her. Bending at her trim waist, she leaned forward easily grasping the balls of her feet with her fingers. "What is it sweetheart?" Her voice a bit strained at the interruption. Every day she tried to have 15 minutes in the evenings of alone time to re-center.
"Are you still going to meet with my teacher on Tuesday?"
Regina exhaled fully as she extended her stretch by several more inches. That was hardly an emergency question, but to Emma knowing when things were happening was important so she explained. "Yes I am still planning to meet with your teacher then at four. It's on your calendar too. Why do you ask?"
"Your phone rang." Emma shifted from foot to foot. She was supposed to ask before using her Mom's cell but she had forgotten again. "I thought it was Ruby because she said she was gonna call after school about our sleep over this weekend and I answered before I saw who it was."
Nodding Regina held her stretch. That was a habit of Emma's and no big deal. "What did your teacher say?"
"She said she had to cancel and another meeting came up."
That struck Regina as odd. She lifted her chin, keeping her stretch to look at Emma's face, "I just confirmed with her an hour ago."
Emma shrugged and held out the cell phone. "The calendar is wrong now."
Regina chuckled and came out of her stretch to stand. "Yes, I suppose it is. We will fix it in a little bit. She went over to her vanity and pulled a short gray silk robe from the chair over her work out tank and leggings thinking about Emma's words. "I should call her now before I forget. My schedule is very tight this week as it is." The slight look of panic that flashed in Emma's eyes did not go unnoticed as she reached for her cell phone.
"But she said you didn't have to if I told you her message." Emma said taking a step backwards as her hands hugged her middle, rubbing her ribs.
Brown eyes registered that tic and wondered what triggered it. "That doesn't sound like Mary-Margaret." Thoughtfully with one finger she tapped her chin as she eyed Emma. "Is there something you want to tell me before I talk to her?" She asked raising both brows in question. No matter what the circumstance, Regina always tried to give the benefit of the doubt and a chance to get out of a mess if Emma had somehow found herself in one. Her daughter however, didn't take the offer as a head shook no. Then little feet hurried out of the room. Regina sighed following as she dialed.
Downstairs in the brightly lit kitchen, Emma resumed her previous place at the counter to continue her drawing when her Mom entered. She kept her focus on her paper as her Mom paced the length of the room.
Regina suspected Emma was keeping something from her and she wanted the girl nearby to confirm anything the teacher might have to tell her. "Hello, Mary-Margaret. Emma said you called to cancel our meeting." Regina listened attentively as the details were confirmed just as Emma had dictated to her. A wave of guilt over having doubted her child washed over and she glanced at Emma with a thoughtful frown on her face. "I understand, of course we may reschedule. Wednesday is the only other afternoon that will work for me this week though or next Monday. Alright, Wednesday. Thanks..." She said and was about to hang up as her friend's next words felt like a blister had burst within her ear, "Say that again. She did? Well, no I did not." Regina turned to Emma, her eyes a mix of surprise and question.
Emma's breath caught in her throat as she eased off the stool and tried to slip out of the kitchen doorway. At the first sign of escape her Mom followed her into the living room.
"Hold on a second Mary-Margaret." Regina snapped her fingers to get her daughter's attention and pointed toward the sofa. "Sit right there Emma and wait for me please."
Deciding it was best to obey Emma sat, fingers picking at the hem of her shirt before going to hug her middle again. After a few more anxious minutes of waiting Regina ended the call and set the cell down on the coffee table that stood as a thin barrier between them.
With her hands on her hips, Regina spoke softly. "Eyes up here."
Emma raised her eyes to meet her parent's, but still kept her head low and her arms crossed.
"I am going to ask you something in a moment, but before I do, I am going to remind you that it is important that we are honest with each other, even if our feelings or what we need to talk about seems hard, okay?"
"Okay." A squeak.
"Did you take a piece of my jewelry to show your class for one of your history lessons yesterday?"
"Yeah."
"What did you take?" The fact that it had been yesterday and Emma had yet to say anything bothered her.
"The Cameo ring." Emma dropped her gaze to the firm line on a red mouth.
"Where is it now?" A heat warmed Regina's cheeks. She kept the ring in a little box in her vanity so she did not notice it missing last night when she put her earrings away or even this morning getting ready. Dishonesty and invasion of her privacy a personal trigger she felt pulling, she took a deep breath to refocus. At her question with no answer, Emma began fidgeting. So she tried a more direct way of questioning. "Did you lose it?" A much harder one to ask. Regina came over to the side of the sofa near Emma and seated herself on the arm, still looking down at that blonde head. She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach at Emma's next words.
"It's lost in the bathroom drain down here and I can't get it out. I tried." She sniffed hard as she struggled to read her Mom's face.
"I can't believe…" A sigh. "You took the only piece of jewelry that meant anything to me." Regina's head shook in disbelief realizing she had been speaking more to herself that moment than Emma.
"But it was so old." Emma's palms ran the length of her ribs again in her manner of self soothing. "I thought you'd be…" Searching for the word and finding it after a long moment. "Mad if I borrowed something new like your pearls."
"Oh, I would have still been upset with you, at least a little bit. Those are expensive." Regina explained honestly. "However, those are not important in the same way as that ring is to me. The Cameo has a sentimental worth that can't ever be replaced." At the apparent confusion over the word she explained further. "That means it reminds me of good memories and the love I have for the person it belonged to. It is… was to be yours one day, all of my jewelry will be, but that's irrelevant right now."
"Mom I was careful with it though." She had been so much so wrapping it in a cloth and keeping it in the hidden zipper pouch on the inside of her backpack. "I was and I was gonna put it back. It was an accident." Her tummy turned inside out under her Mom's changing expression. "You said accidents are okay."
Regina turned fully to Emma and took the girl's chin in hand. Gently or trying to be through her own upset. "And accidents are okay baby."
"But you're mad."
"I am, with your behavior, yes." She confirmed, looking between misting green eyes.
This was different than a misunderstanding over what were acceptable actions or not, which was sometimes common for Emma to have over certain things. But this was different. A deliberate wrong doing was not common for Emma and Regina typically handled these occurrences differently than working through a misunderstanding. But that was before she knew what she knew about Emma's ASD. Still, for what it was she was struggling.
"Taking my jewelry was a deliberate act you know better than to do. Losing the ring down the sink was unintentional and I understand that it was, but you shouldn't have had possession of it to begin with. The point, young lady, is that you took something irreplaceable that meant a great deal to me without my permission." Sudden tears trembled on her lower lashes. A moment, she needed a moment before continuing. And by the look on Emma's face the child did too. Regina blinked them back and was careful to try and frame her next direction in a way that Emma would be receptive to, as Dr. Nolan was helping her to learn to do. "We will talk more soon. First, I want you go to your room and wait on your bed. Then I'll be up." She let go of that chin and stood.
"Mom?" Emma stood too, chewing her inner cheek and not understanding why their conversation was stopping now.
Then remembering and restating more specifically. "First you need to go to your room and sit on your bed for fifteen minutes so we both can have some think time of our own based on what we just talked about. Then we will talk more about this together." Regina gestured to the stairs to give Emma a chance to listen. "Upstairs right now please."
Emma's eyes blurred, but her tummy loosened now that she understood what was to happen. That explanation made moving her feet away easier knowing her Mom would soon join her and knowing what she was to do while she waited. She knew the importance of the ring. How special it was. That's why she had been so careful. Should have asked, should have been even more careful, but 'should have' would not fix this. How to fix this Emma didn't know, but her Mom would. Mom always seemed to know.
'What if this is too much though? What if I'm too much?' She thought as her feet moved quickly up the stairs. Emma bit her lip as doubt whispered in her ear. Then she remembered their talk on trust last month at the clinic when she had decided to start using that affection. She trusted her Mom then and would now to help her sort through the mess she was inside.
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As Emma left, the tears Regina had been holding back fell. Letting them fall where they may, she headed toward the hall closet where household cleaning supplies and her tool collection were kept. She stepped fully inside the closet, finding the proper size wrench that would aid her in tackling the pipes under the bathroom sink. It was a long shot, but she hoped the gold of the ring was heavy enough to be sitting right in the dip pipe of the sink. Not having that hope was too much to think about right now.
After clearing out the underside of the sink Regina crouched down and managed to unhinge the dip pipe there. It fell on the floor, and she tapped it against the tile and there, just as she hoped, was the cameo ring. And a Lego, a tiny action figure sword, a purple hair tie, and a penny—a lucky one it seemed. Instantly grateful for the ring she took a moment to let the weight of it register in her palm. Then she fingered the other items, shaking her head as the corners of her mouth quirked up in fond amusement in spite of her earlier upset. Only Emma could bring this type of smile to her face.
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Upstairs Emma sat on her bed hugging herself and fidgeted with every noise that was coming from downstairs. She stared down at her toes wiggling them in her socks as she waited.
It had been nearly fifteen minutes. She knew because she had been silently counting the minutes. The clock did that too, but Emma preferred to do it herself sometimes. Counting helped her focus when she was upset. Time also to think had been what she needed to figure out what to say. Her words needed to be right. Just before she reached the last number she realized that she wasn't alone. She could hear footsteps approaching and the bed dip nearby. Then a hand rested on her knee and she looked up to red lips parting and promptly all the words she had been thinking to say left her head.
"Look up at me please." Regina prompted. Another thing they were working on and waited as the girl slowly did so.
Then Emma found her words again in patient eyes on her. "Mommy I'm really sorry."
Regina felt her heart melt as she lifted Emma up to sit on her lap. She wanted nothing more than in that moment than to forget the events of the day. Hard as it sometimes was to be firm, she had to follow through and be consistent if she would continue to hold any form of authority in Emma's eyes. "I can see that baby, but we still need have our talk." Reassuring with a hug. "Tell me what happens when you do not make good choices."
"I'm in trouble with you."
"Sometimes for certain ones, yes. And what happens if you repeat a behavior we have already talked about, so I'm sure you understand the rules?"
"We talk again and sometimes a consequence." Then Emma's brow scrunched up tight. "But I told you. I told you about the ring when you asked."
"You did and that was a good choice on your part. However, keeping something from me that I need to know about is not alright to do. Yes, it was an accident that you dropped my ring down the sink, but you shouldn't have had it to begin with. Luckily it seems it was not as entirely lost as we thought." She held out her hand. To anyone else Emma would have appeared to grimace seeing the ring in her palm, but Regina recognized it as a smile of relief.
"You found it. That's good." Emma said in a breathy whisper.
Regina nodded. "Yes, I did among other things. First and foremost, we need to talk about your dropping items down the sink. Only water, toothpaste, and soap should be in the sink to begin with. I don't know how you managed the rest of these. Legos, money, toys, my jewelry, or anything other than what I previously mentioned, is not allowed, alright?" Regina tried to keep a straight face as she named off the items in her hand, pointing to each with her finger so it registered with Emma.
Nodded quickly, Emma scooped up her stuff and put it all in her pocket for safe keeping.
Turning serious again, Regina continued, "Now, as for your choice to take the ring. I'm upset that you went through my personal things without asking. You not only went through my property, you also took something very valuable to me that didn't belong to you and almost lost it for good. How do you think we can help make sure you remember the importance of asking and getting permission about borrowing my things in the future?" She asked, arching a single brow in wait.
Emma shrugged her shoulders, figuring any answer she wanted to give was wrong.
"It's okay to think about it for a minute baby. I want to hear what you think."
"A time out."
"You had a bit of one already. Did having a few minutes to think about what happened help you to calm down so we can talk more like we are?"
A slow nod.
And Regina saw she needed to share if she expected Emma to. "It helped me to think more clearly when I had some time away to consider all of what you told me. I calmed down much quicker and was able to make a plan to find the ring."
"I'm glad you found it. I know it's special."
A soft smile. "Me too and you're right it is very special. I can see you are starting to understand that. I thought about what you said and I think that you need some more clarity on what having respect for others property means. So, this weekend you will be spending some time polishing and cleaning each and every piece of my jewelry. I'll show you how to do the first few and you will finish the rest."
"I'll do a really good job. I promise." Emma assured, suddenly liking the idea of showing she did respect her Mom's stuff.
"I'm sure you will." Agreeing, Regina tucked her chin over the child's head.
"I love you Mom."
Those four precious words reaching Regina's ears felt so wonderful and so right. And with it doubt from earlier began to ebb. She kissed Emma's cheek, nose, and other cheek, causing a giggle. "How much do you love me?" Regina questioned, wondering if Emma remembered the game they used to play.
Emma smiled and extended her arms outward, "All of it." She stretched her fingertips out to the max, to indicate just how much she was talking about. "I love you all of it Mom."
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On Sunday morning, Emma's nimble fingers gently and carefully worked a blue cleaning cloth over the tiny reflecting stones. All around the setting and over each indent and hook that held the stones in place, she worked to a shine. Emma sighed heavily as she stared closely at the larger one in the center she had just spent the last five minutes on. She caught the tiny kaleidoscope image of her eye in the many angles and cuts that made the stone so beautiful. Carefully, she placed the ring back into the proper place in the velvet slot of the tray atop her Mom's vanity.
Regina had brought her in here after breakfast. A key had been taken from somewhere unknown Emma wondered about and the bottom drawer of the vanity was unlocked. Emma was curious about why that drawer had been locked to begin with. A small lined tray with a few bracelets was quickly taken out and the drawer closed. Emma became distracted from the question brewing in her head when Regina began to explain and model the task she was to do. Once she had the hang of it she was left on her own to work with a kiss to the top of her head.
She had been working steadily for about a half hour and she had only gotten through a fraction of the many pieces her parent owned with her attention to detail. While the work was tedious, Emma had taken great pleasure in trying on a few of the pieces and modeling in front of the attached oval mirror.
Without looking, she reached her hand into the very top drawer on her right to feel for the next piece she was to work on. Her fingers scraped the drawer's bottom causing her now to look. Then her curious question returned and unable to help it she tugged the bottom drawer that had not been relocked open for a peek. It was empty. But in one corner of the drawer the velvet was lifted. Emma fingered the loose fabric, tugging gently and to her great surprise she ended up lifting out a false bottom.
Underneath the velvet lined wooden plank were a few papers folded neatly in one corner. Not thinking about what she was doing and more than curious now she pulled the bundle out and unfolded the top paper. It was an old notebook page with what looked like a list of things checked off in different colors of ink with a date next to each item. Under number 9, Publish Thesis, was the most recent item dating back a few months ago. She read it once and then again unsure of exactly what her name meant on this list:
10. My daughter, Emma
Emma folded it back up and reached for the next paper. Her eyes grew large as she read the few words at the top of the page. 'But I thought…' Lost in that thought, her ears didn't register the sound of footsteps in the hall, or the squeak the bedroom door made as it opened. She jumped only as she felt two hands resting on her shoulders.
"How are you coming along, sweetheart?" Then wondering what her daughter was doing and frowning. "What's this?" Regina reached around Emma for the papers as the girl bolted upright, nearly knocking over the chair. "Emma—"
Sharp and cutting. "I thought you wanted me?"
Regina took a step back in shock of the sudden outburst. On the tip of her tongue, she readied a response, but then the pages in her hand finally registered and the bottom drawer she had forgotten to re-lock. Her eyes clouded as she took in the absolute damning way Emma was looking at her. Before she could speak or move, Emma snatched up a strand of pearls.
Breathing hard as her little confused heart hurt, anger warmed her skin to a bright pink. Emma tugged hard and ripped the strand. A thunder of white orbs crashed to the floor in unison with her tears. Emma threw the rest of the strand at her parent's feet before running blindly out of the room.
Regina lowered herself to sit where Emma had been previously, her head falling into her hands as the papers slipped to the floor between her feet. Through blurry eyes the words at the top of one paper became clear. It was a form that had come with a pack of information from the judge at the courthouse about four months after Emma had been left on her doorstep. Titled at the top was;
Release of Guardianship
of a Minor into State Custody
The heartache, fear, and helplessness of those early days with Emma flashed behind her eyes. She had not known what to do, how to help, how to do or be anything—and that feeling had been terrifying and all too triggering. In her self-doubt over being faced suddenly with the prospect of raising her sister's abused and emotionally disturbed child three years ago, Regina had broken down and wallowed in a pool of doubt and guilt. She had once had misgivings about her ability to effectively raise and help a child who had known nothing, but the pain and chaos.
Terrified too that she would somehow, in some small way—even by accident or chance—end up repeating the cycle of abuse. Never did she ever want to be anything like them. That is why she had had her tubes tied after running away. To make sure. To make absolutely sure another generation of her blood line was not exposed or affected by the abuse that had nearly strangled her in childhood. It would stop with her.
Period.
But it hadn't with her sister. Now her sister was dead. Emma was here. Affected; hurt and grieving, but healing and growing. A love her heart was missing. A daughter she did not realize she needed.
Emma was her serendipity.
She had kept the form as a reminder along with her list of dreams not to doubt her own strength and ability to do right by Emma. To do better. To be better than what she had come from.
Regina's shoulders shook before falling prey to the guilt of tears that followed. One more breath and she quickly stood to go after her daughter.
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A/N – Yeah, I know... I ripped my own heart out too. Deeper down the rabbit hole we are about to go…
Next time – A past look at Regina's first meeting with Emma and those early months into their relationship. Emma learns more about her Mom's heart. Regina is vulnerable with her daughter.