Weeks passed. Casey and Derek lived moment to moment, relieved at the end of each day, when they could collapse in sleep and let their world black out, not exist, even for a little while. As each day passed, the pain lessened, and the teenagers adjusted to their new lives, lives void of the safety and love only family could provide.
After each sunrise, Casey came to hate the world, and the people in it. Their happy faces, loving eyes, trusting souls. They had no idea that their whole world could shatter, completely be obliterated by something as simple as a car accident! They didn't appreciate all the blessings they had, all the things they took for granted, things that Casey and Derek would never have again.
But more than hatred, she envied the world. She would give anything to come home to her mom's cooking; she would rather be grounded forever, surrounded by those she loved, to still be able to tell Lizzie all of her secrets and desires, than live in this desolate house, this house of pain. Casey missed her family, more than anyone could imagine. She was an orphan, an only child, separated from her only true kindred.
To Casey, she was living life with a phantom limb, only this one was one limb that there was no aesthetic appendage for the doctors to replace. She was living with a ghost of what used to be her heart. And every time she came across something, a sight, a texture, a fragrance, anything that triggered a memory, her spirit heart remembered her family, and she was filled with a pain so sharp, that she felt she must have popped a lung, or shattered a bone, or been skinned alive!
She missed the feeling of having total confidence in someone, that no matter what she did, she was still loved. She missed being totally blissful spending a whole day in her pajamas, watching cartoons with Marti, not caring who saw her. She missed being loved, and more than anything, she missed having someone to love. Her mom, raised her since she was a newborn, gave her all the love she could possibly spare; Lizzie, her little sister, someone to talk to and who admired her, even though they were so different. Even her new family, George, her new step dad, Edwin, her annoying yet lovable stepbrother, and Marti, the adventurous and headstrong baby step sister who had a will strong enough to blast through walls. She felt their emptiness as if they had died only moments ago, but felt so weary, so worn out from all of the grief, she knew it couldn't possibly be true.
Casey was well aware that her life would always be incomplete, and there was no way to solve this, the most difficult of problems. She would never have her mom at her wedding, or have George walk her down the aisle. She would never be an aunt, or get to swap parenting tips with her sisters. She would never see any of her siblings drive, or graduate high school. At Christmas, there would always be vacant spots when singing carols, and abandoned chairs at Thanksgiving.
The future looked bleak and hopeless. The only thing that got Casey up in the morning was the knowledge that someone still needed her, someone still loved (or at least liked her), and that if she wasn't there beside him every morning and every night, he would be more lost and alone than he was already. And that was too much to bear. No human being should have to bear that much pain alone.
All of this ran through Casey's head as she lay in bed, relishing the in the darkness of the night, a black so black, it matched the place where her heart used to be, and her attitude. The silence coming from outside let her think, and wonder, and despair, and cry, and think some more.
A rustling of blankets made Casey snap out of her thoughts. She studied Derek as he rolled over, facing her now, peace settling into his sleeping face, letting him relax for the first time all day. A brief flash of jealousy splashed over her.
'Why should Derek be able to sleep, when I'm stuck here awake because he won't hold still? Why should find peace, when I'm tormented with death every time I close my eyes?'
And then she realized how unfair that was to him. Derek never complained to Casey about the extra housework he now had to do, about having to drag her along everywhere he went because she didn't want him out of her sight. He never whined about how unfair life was, how everyone else was happy and he wasn't. And since the day of the accident, she hadn't seen him cry.
'Derek is probably hurting worse than I am. He never shows any emotion. He's all bottled up inside. He's being mature, while I whine at everything that doesn't go my way because my family died and we deserve to have some good luck. I don't deserve good luck, any more than the next person just because most of my life has been blown apart. Derek does. Who would have ever thought Derek could make me a better person?'
And the only emotion she was left with was remorse.
She watched him sleep, his breath coming out in a soothing rhythm. He was completely stretched out, relaxed, not hunched up like he was when he was awake. He wasn't vulnerable, he was safe. Safe from himself, and what his head was doing to him.
Derek's shaggy hair was dangling right above his long, feathery eyelashes. Casey gently, so as not to wake him, pushed it out of his serene face, and almost smiled to herself as he sighed with contentment. She let her fingers graze down his cheek, marveling at the smoothness of it, stopping only to think he must have shaved before bed, before continuing her exploration of his angelic face. Unable to stop herself, she traced his pouty lips, wondering the last time she had seen those lips stretch into a smile, or open for a laugh, the last time he wasn't faking being happy, the last time he was blissfully carefree and obnoxious. The last time he was her step brother, and not her friend. Casey definitely missed the old Derek, and would have traded him for this new Derek any day, even if they were closer now.
The last thought Casey had before drifting off to sleep was, 'Derek deserves to be happy, and I would rather have a step brother who hates me, than one who's miserable and deals with me.' Then she clasped his hand, and fell off the abyss into the utter darkness of sleep.
Some last minute comments. First of all, I'm pretending Casey never knew her father, just so we don't have to deal with him. Secondly, when I said Casey was alone and lacking her "true kindred" I meant her biological family. Thirdly, you have to realize that Casey is under the assumption that Derek does not like Casey, in fact he barely tolerates her, but he needs a supportive shoulder, which is why they still sleep in the same bed. Of course, you know this isn't true, Derek likes Casey, blah blah blah, and in the end they will be together.
I have an issue. I have severe writers block and I don't know where to head next. I was thinking about some distant great aunt hearing about the news of the deaths and then sending them money to "regain some stability" and head out to like Florida or something. Any ideas would be appreciative. I hope you still like the story, and please comment!!