Disclaimer: As much as I love Narnia, I don't own it. That honor belongs to CS Lewis. Disney, 20th Century Fox and Walden Media has more ownageship. Unfortunately, I do own the assassinator group including Geramius. Yay.

A.N: Continuation of last chapter...

Summary: Takes place during the Golden Age. The most unthinkable has happened. Could some good come from such an act? Perhaps it would be enough to light the way home.

Chapter 9: If I could be happy, I wouldn't know

Edmund's mind was reeling as he thought on the Minotaur's words. He knew about the Stone table, but he never really thought about it. He never connected the obvious dots. He was thrown back to that day a year ago when the White Witch demanded his blood and then awhile later she retracted that. And Edmund never questioned why. He was so happy that he was saved he never questioned why.

But now he knew. He tried hard to hold onto the mask that was slowly breaking.

High King Peter had heard enough, "You come in here and play head games with my royal brother. You have already insulted Aslan not once but twice now. You have insulted my brother many times over and thus have insulted me and my sisters. I will not allow this any longer. Aslan knew what he was doing when he was doing it. Aslan knows what he's doing now while he's doing it. It's not our place to question him. Do you understand that? Edmund was chosen as a fellow King. He has made mistakes but those mistakes have made Edmund a better person and thus a King."

Susan and Lucy nodded glaring at the group, both holding back tears. The crowd murmured amongst themselves but Peter was not finished.

"Yes, Aslan died for Edmund, but he knew what he was doing."

Edmund's head twitched back in Peter's direction though he was still staring absently at a spot on the floor.

"Aslan knew he would return. He set all this up. Why, I don't know and I'm not going to question his will and ways."

Lucy nodded and gave a small clap at this.

"What's more…", Peter continued, his voice cold fury as he took a step towards the group, "Aslan forgave Edmund. Aslan did. Do you understand that? He, King over all Kings, the Son of the Emperor beyond the Sea, the highest being in Narnia forgave Edmund. So what right do you have to judge that? What right does any of you have to judge that?" He cried looking around the room. Some of the Narnians looked guilty at this.

Green-grey eyes flashed fire, "I am appalled, down-right shocked and disgusted to think that some Narnians hated Edmund this much...", Peter looked at the cats, the dryad, the squirrel and the fawn, "...that they would conspire to kill him. In fact, I'm not going to give you the respect of calling you Narnians anymore, fell beasts."

The "Narnians" in the group couldn't help but to winced at this. "You aligned yourself with fell beasts…" Here he looked at the Minotaur and the old hag, "…to come up with this elaborate plot. You don't deserve to call yourself Narnian's anymore."

A roar of approval went up around the room, but Peter still wasn't finished nor did it do anything to quarrel his temper that was still flaming, "What's even more that I'm disgusted to think that there were Narnians under our noses who sneered at Edmund behind his back. Or is it behind me and my sisters backs and to Edmund's face?"

That uncomfortable air seeped back into the large room. Some in the crowd was looking a little ashamed now that their beloved High King was railing against them.

"The past should have been done with the moment that Aslan said it was done." Peter continued a few moments later after letting it sink in and watching some said Narnian's began to squirm, "It shouldn't have carried from the battlefield and into Cair Paravel. And it certainly shouldn't have carried on this far." He paused and looked around the room. "I'm just disappointed in all of you who ever held anything against my royal brother, your king, who tried his best to see to the needs of all of you. To serve as justice because he knows what injustice feels like and this is how you repay him?"

Peter did a slow sweep around the room, "This is what he gets? This is what Aslan gets? This is what how you repay Aslan's sacrifice, by treating one of his children your own brother, your cousin, thusly? Really?"

There were a few loud sniffs and some of the Narnians in the crowd started crying, those that held something against Edmund now truly sorry they did.

Peter looked around once more before turning and sitting back down on his throne. He looked at Edmund who's mask was barely hanging onto a thread. He glanced at his sisters who were anxious about their brother.

"We still have to judge you accordingly and frankly emotions are a little too high now." The High King stated after a few minutes had past looking back at the small group.

Few of them, like the dryad for example, was looking duly chastised and others not caring a whit for what was said.

The High King waved his hand, "Get them out of my sight!"

Orieus was quick to obey as he signaled to his soldiers take the prisoners back to their cells.

"We are in recess for the rest of the day." Peter, the Magnificent, ordered.

He stood up, along with this sisters and brother who stood mechanically and lead them out the side door.

As soon as the door was closed behind them, Peter grabbed Edmund's arm and marched them purposely to a destination. He got to the sitting room and practically pushed Edmund inside. The girls followed.

Edmund took a seat in the chair facing the window, while the girls sat in the window sill seat. Peter began to pace, trying to work off some steam.

"Edmund…..Edmund….what….where…" Susan didn't even know where to begin.

"Edmund, you heard what Peter said. Aslan knew what he was doing." Lucy spoke.

"Why?" That was most broken they heard Edmund be in a long time, "Why? Why didn't any of you tell me? Why did you hide it from me?"

"We didn't want to burden you with it!"

Edmund stood up glaring at his sisters, "Didn't want to burden me with it? What, you guys thought that it wasn't worth telling me? That I shouldn't know? That I shouldn't know what I caused!"

"Please, Edmund, believe us, we wanted to spare you that pain. We love you! You were going through so much. We didn't want to add this burden on your shoulders!" Tears glittered in Lucy's eyes.

"You should have loved me enough to tell me! Aslan should have told me!"

"To what end and purpose?" asked Susan, shooting up from her seat, "Give me one thing it would have changed other than another reason for you to beat yourself up! Give me one and maybe just maybe we can agree then that we should have told you."

Edmund spun around and glared at Peter who was still pacing, "You knew and you didn't tell me, either!"

"Just like you knew about letters and you didn't tell us?" Peter asked glaring at his younger brother.

"That is different!"

"Is it? How?"

"It just is! It had nothing to do with any of you!"

"But it was threatening you!" Peter yelled then after a pause asked, "What did they say?"

Edmund looked away and Peter advanced on him, "You better tell me…."

"Look, it started out harmless. I didn't think they'd actually kill me. Just letters saying that they hated me, that I was not a good King. That an injustice was done, etc. I decided to work harder, that's all. It was a motivation to work harder."

"And not one threatened your life?" Peter pressed.

Edmund's gaze dropped.

"It did!" Peter cried, "And you failed to tell us!"

"No! That's not it!" Edmund snapped looking back up, "In a manner of speaking I suppose it was but…."

"What did it say?"

"It wasn't…."

"What did it say?"

"Peter, I….."

"I will not ask again!" Peter screamed.

Edmund glared at his older brother but Peter returned in tenfold.

"Please, Edmund!" Lucy begged.

Edmund's eyes misted over and he shook his head trying to quell them. "It was the last letter, I got 48 hours before….. That my days were numbered….."

"And you didn't think to come to me or Oreius? I know the general is upset about this." There was a calm fury in Peter's voice.

Edmund glared back up at his brother, "I don't have to explain anything to you! It had nothing to do with you!"

"It had everything to do with me, you little blighter!" Peter roared making the girls jumped. Edmund backed away once, "Do you know what I went through when you were dead? What we went through? Do you? We love you, you moron! And to know that maybe if you had said something this all could have been avoided! Why, why didn't you tell us?"

Edmund snorted and proceeded to walk to the door, but Peter captured his wrist and spun him around. "I'm not finished talking to you!"

"And I have nothing else to say!" Edmund yelled.

"Edmund, Peter, please, calm down", Susan placated.

Lucy rushed forward and laid her hands on top of Peter's hand holding Edmund's wrist. "Let go Peter. Let go."

It took a moment but Peter obeyed. Both brothers were still glaring almost murderously at the other.

"Look, we are still too highly emotional, to high strung, especially the two of you. Go to neutral corners and calm yourselves. Talk later, when we all have a clearer head."

Peter and Edmund seemed to come to some unspoken agreement because Peter didn't try to stop Edmund as he left. He waited a few moments and he left too.

Lucy started crying after a few moments the events catching up to her. Susan came over and hugged her sisters, tears falling down her cheeks.

Oh, Aslan, please help us. Was the mantra that repeated in Lucy's head.

Edmund huffed down the hallway to his room. Thankfully it was clear. He got to his room and like the eleven year old he was, he slammed the door. He ripped his cape off letting it fall to the ground and kicked off his boots, letting them fly every which away. He tore off his outer tunic and flung it on the bed. His crown had become crooked and he snatched it off, but he came to himself just as he was about to hurl it in anger. He stopped and breathed tightly before walking over and reverently laying it back in its box. He leaned over it for awhile staring at it until suddenly, he could do so no longer and slammed the box shut.

A few silent tears tracked down his face but he wiped them away stubbornly. The light that was shining into his room seemed obtrusive so he marched over and closed the curtains. He turned and knocked his tunic on the ground before snatching back the covers and diving under them. He pulled it over his face and scrunched into a ball.

The thought about the dream he couldn't remember anymore came to him, and he found he wanted to dream it again. He wanted to be there again. All he could remember was a good feeling. A blissful feeling that he never felt before. He secretly lamented on that feeling, wishing it to come back. He remember feeling free with no worries, something he had never felt before. He desperately wanted to feel it again. His eyes fluttered and before he knew it, he was asleep.

"Edmund?"

Edmund opened his eyes lazily looking but not seeing anything.

"Edmund?" the soft firm voice came again.

Edmund blinked and realized that he was laying on his back staring up at the clouds above. It was rather peaceful.

"Edmund."

He looked around, lifting his head seeing nothing. Then he looked back and saw the familiar gold figure sitting there looking at him. He was upside down. Or rather since he was laying on his back looking back at Aslan who was sitting, said Lion looked in fact upside down. It gave Edmund a fleeting moment of humor.

Fleeting...

"Aslan?"

"What are you doing, child?"asked Aslan.

Edmund blinked confused, "I….don't understand."

"Think about it."

Edmund looked rather blankly at the upside form of Aslan.

"Your siblings are worried about you. Worried for you."

Edmund's gaze flickered back to the clouds above him.

"You deny this?"

"I didn't say anything, Aslan."

"Your silence speaks volumes. Sometimes speaking nothing is in fact speaking everything at once."

"..."

"Have you not done enough running in your young life?"

"I am not running."

"What would you call it, son?"

"…" Edmund got confused.

What were they talking about?

"You refuse to tell your siblings about the letters. I do remember us having a small chat about this, do you not?"

"But they know about it", Edmund protested weakly, "Isn't that enough?"

Aslan sighed. "Edmund", his voice was gentle yet firm, "Yes, they know about it now. But you have yet to explain it to them."

"But…."

"No buts", came the growl sounding much like a parent would lecture their child, "You have the choice to explain it to them or not. Just like you had the choice to tell them about the letters but didn't. Everything happens for a reason, but they are still influences of the choices you make."

"Are you trying to say that something bad would happen if I don't explain it to them? Like what? Will they be okay?"

Aslan offered no answer making Edmund look back at him, albeit the fact that the Lion was still upside down. Edmund had yet to move or even think about moving.

"Aslan…why didn't you tell me?"

"And what would that have prove, dear son?", came the answer.

Sort of.

Both knew what topic they were on now.

Edmund shut his eyes. "Susan asked a similar question."

"You have not answered her and you have yet to give me answer. You are in the habit of avoiding to answer questions directly and in full. But we both know that's because there isn't one, is there, in this instance at least?"

It was a few seconds but Edmund slowly nodded his head in agreement.

"What's done is done. We cannot undo the past but we can influence the future. I would hope you know this and act accordingly. I made you King for a reason, Edmund, and I would hope that you would not allow anyone to dissuade you from the path I set you on. Not even yourself. And not allow anyone to cause you to doubt yourself. But that is what you did, isn't it? Doubted yourself. In part that's what made you not tell your siblings, under the guise that since it didn't directly deal with them, it wasn't their problem."

"And the other part?" Edmund opened his eyes.

"You tell me."

Edmund shut his eyes again.

"Tell me."

Edmund mumbled under this breath.

Aslan's face was grave. "I know, now…..tell them. Tell Peter."

"Edmund!"

Edmund heard his name being called but tried to stay in the little cocoon he was comfortable in.

"Edmund, please!"

He frowned hearing the desperation in the voice and his eyes flew open.

"Oh, thank Aslan!" Peter sagged against his younger brother.

Edmund blinked and looked over his shoulder, pulling the covers further way from his face. He saw his older brother's head down and felt his hands digging into his shoulder. He was sitting next to him.

"What's wrong?" asked Edmund confused momentarily.

Peter shook his head but didn't look up, "I dunno. I just came in and called your name and you wouldn't answer. I saw everything thrown all over the place. That made me worry more. Then I called you again. You still wouldn't answer. I jumped on the bed, not a movement." Here Peter's voice broke. "I had to shake you and call you a few times until you finally stirred. I was two seconds away from getting a healer or something. I thought….that…" his voice broke even more and he couldn't speak.

"Oh Peter, I'm okay." Edmund turned over on his back to look at his older brother whose hands still somehow managed to grip his arm.

"I didn't want….I can't….."

"Hey, hey…come on", Edmund murmured, pulling Peter down. Peter followed Edmund's tug and laid down, throwing an arm over him and burying his face in his shoulder.

"I'm okay." Edmund repeated softly looking up at the ceiling.

"I can't do that again. I can't", Peter spoke brokenly.

There was a lull before Edmund opened his mouth.

"I was dreaming", he offered, "I was talking to Aslan."

Peter's arm tightened around Edmund's body. "What he say?"

"You know Aslan. He gives you an answer without giving you an answer. And then he tells you the answer way later in a roundabout way, sometimes answering the first question you had, that's if you're lucky."

Peter lifted his head and although his eyes were wet, he stared down at Edmund with a slightly confused face, "Strangely I followed that" a pause as he studied his brother who continued to stare up at the ceiling, "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yea, I'm okay. I just…" Edmund trailed off.

"Just...", Peter propped himself on his elbow to watch his younger brother's face.

"Did you want something?" Edmund asked instead, his voice soft.

Peter looked down at him, not understand why Edmund chooses to dodge questions lately.

"I just….."

"How long was I out?" Edmund asked abruptly.

"I dunno, how long you were asleep if that's what you mean. It's been a few hours since we've seen each other last. Evening is settling in. I didn't expect you to be asleep."

"I didn't expect to fall asleep."

"I didn't expect to come into your room and near trip over your cape either." Peter glanced over his shoulder at it.

Edmund turned his face away from this older brother closing his eyes. Silence floated for awhile and it had an edge of tenseness. It helped Peter to feel the steady breathes that his younger brother was taking by the way his arm was moving up and down on his brother's chest was keeping him from completely losing it. He didn't know if he wanted to scream in frustration and beat an answer out of Edmund or cry and plead and beg the answer out of Edmund.

And he wasn't above doing the latter.

In fact...

"Why won't you talk to me?" Peter started, his mouth working momentarily like a fish before he was able to continue, "Talk to us. What's wrong?" The he ventured quietly, "Did I do something to upset…"

"NO!" Edmund cried so vehemently that Peter jumped a little and stared at him with wide eyes.

Edmund looked back at Peter fiercely, "You have done nothing. Nothing at all. Never did and never will. Forgo that thought."

"Then why?" Peter cried, tears spilling over his cheeks making Edmund turn away much to the older brother's displeasure but he continued, "I just want an answer to something. Anything."

"Like why the sky is blue?"

"Don't get smart with me Edmund!" Peter snapped.

Edmund sat up making Peter's arm fall into his lap in surprise. Peter lifted his hand and rested in on his brother's shoulder. "What are you doing?" He asked quietly.

He could see his brother struggling but with what Peter couldn't begin to imagine.

"I. Can't." Edmund finally managed to choked out. "I. Just. Can't."

"Can't what? Why?" Peter tried to keep his voice gentle but the pleading was still evident.

"It's…" Edmund stopped.

Peter waited patiently, wiping away the tears on his face, focusing on his brother.

"I just can't", Edmund repeated and Peter could just barely hear him. He was startled when Edmund threw back the covers and got out of bed, sitting looking at the curtains.

He knew that he needed to do what Aslan said and tell his brother but he couldn't. He feared he couldn't do what Aslan wanted this time. If anything, he didn't want to disobey him, in fact he refused but in this instance he feared he wouldn't be able to keep up that silent vow he made a long time ago to always obey Aslan and never question him.

Edmund knew he was at a crossroads and both paths seemed dark to him. He knew not which road to take. He was frightened.

"As long as the three of you are okay, it's okay." he finally managed to speak, his voice soft.

"No it isn't!" Peter hissed, crawling over and situating himself next to Edmund looking at his profile, "You are a part of us, Edmund. How do you think we felt when you were gone? How do you think we felt when we almost lost you a year ago, when we lost you this time, no matter how brief? How do you think we felt? How do you think I felt laying next to the cold body of my dead brother trying to convince myself that you were just asleep, that if I gave you some time, your stubborn little behind would wake up."

Edmund didn't say anything though he glanced out the corner of his eye at his older brother.

"Why didn't you tell us about the letters?" questioned Peter.

"Why didn't you tell me about Aslan?" Edmund shot back.

"What good would it have done?"

Edmund gave a wry chuckle looking down at his hands with a nod. It seemed that it always came back to that question when it came to that situation.

"Why didn't you tell us about the letters, Edmund?" Peter asked again, pressing his brother to answer him. He would not let this rest until he got something out of Edmund. If it took the next year, he would keep it up.

"They weren't directed towards you."

It was a start, even if it was a repeat of what Peter already knew.

"I know that, but why didn't you tell us anyway? What made you bear this yourself?"

Something inside Edmund snapped as he shot up and turned to Peter who was shocked at this abrupt action, "Because they were right! They are right! This first year was hard for me okay? It was hard and some days it was pure torture! Everywhere I looked, I saw mistrust and suspicion in Narnian's eyes. Sometimes I saw pure hatred towards me but I didn't complain, because I knew I deserved it. I deserve it! And I know that! I knew I would have to prove myself. I would have to try to earn what could be mine to claim and I don't complain about that. Everything I have, no matter how little or how grand it is, I had to earn. So I did, I worked and worked and I worked myself to exhaustion sometimes, but still I didn't complain. I would not dare. I do not dare."

Edmund began to pace stopping at points to gesture his words with his hands. Peter sat quietly, watching and listening to something that has been building up for an entire year, "Do you know what it's like? Of course not! None of you do and for that I thank Aslan ten times over and beyond. You don't know what it's like to make a mistake and have it haunt and dodge your every footsteps. You don't know what it's like to walk into a room full of people and know that when they look at your siblings they see perfection, as they should, but if their gaze happens to land on you, they are wary. You don't know what it's like to be in a crowd of people and be screaming at the top of your lungs and no one turns because no one hears, or maybe they hear but they don't care! You don't know what it's like to be a shadow, to know you are less to them than the ground they are walking on. You don't know what that's like!" Edmund screamed tears pouring down his face.

Peter's shut his eyes briefly, tears already running down his cheeks. He felt his brother's pain as sharply as it was his own.

"And I don't want you or our sisters to know, believe me. So you can never truly understand. But then after some months, I saw that many began to have a begrudging respect. The suspicion began to wane a little and for that I was grateful. I felt I was doing something right. I was earning their respect. I would not claim their love for I deserve it not, but maybe I felt, I could be respected, so I didn't have to walk into a room every time and feel as though no one wanted me there. I harbor no jealous against you or Lucy or Susan but it was hard to watch."

Here Edmund slowed his fast talking and spoke a little more calmer. "It was hard to see how easy the Narnians were with you, with Susan, and name me one person that thought a bad thought about Lucy. I loved each one of you for that that. But even though I did, it was still hard to watch. You walk into a room and your magnificence fills it."

Peter blushed at this poetic-ness.

"Susan walks into a room and comfort is sent winging throughout the air. Lucy walks into a room, and joy is spread about like a virus, contagious." Edmund paused his eyes and voice lowering before speaking, "I walk into a room and I bring tension. I bring those hurtful reminders. But I've accepted that. Things are better now than in the beginning but it still lingers like a sore wound."

"And the letters?" asked Peter quietly after a moment had passed.

Edmund swallowed before sinking back down on the bed, looking at the ground. "The first one that came, I thought was somewhat a joke. I took it seriously, and gave a long look at myself to see if anything was lacking. So I tried harder. Then more letters came, each becoming more violent and threatening. But always were they directed at me, never you or our sisters."

"So, why didn't you tell us?"

Edmund was silent a long while making Peter fear he would not answer until he heard his voice, "You guys had enough to deal with. I would not be a reason for an unrest. And if I told, it would be a reason. I knew I deserved their wrath if they felt I was not living up to what they expected. I have to work so much harder than you or our sisters and I know that. I accepted that and I do it without complaint. If someone feels I'm not owning up to what I need to do, then I want them to tell me. I knew that many Narnians, not all, did not want me on the throne, in the first place. Granted there were Narnians that cared not about my past, and accepted me right away, like Oreius, and that comforted me."

"Still, that is no reason to kill you!" Peter hissed vehemently flinching at the memories his own words invoked.

"I never really expected that any Narnian would actually hate me so much to want me dead. To actually come up with a plan and carry it out. I was wrong. Very wrong. I wanted to believe that no one hated me that much. I was wrong but….." here Edmund trailed off.

"But….." Peter prompted.

"..."

"Edmund?" Peter touched his brother's shoulder.

Edmund looked away making sure his face was not visible to Peter.

"Edmund, please", Peter begged.

"."

"Wha?" Peter couldn't understand what Edmund had muttered.

"I said, I deserved it."

"Edmund!" Peter cried shocked at such an admission.

"What? It's true!" Edmund cried whipping his head back to Peter, "I just…I knew as long as they did not threatened you and our sisters not, anything else I could deal with."

"You will not say such a thing again!" Peter all but screamed, jumping to his feet. He spun around and gripped Edmund's shoulder tears in his eyes again. He blinked them away to see his younger brother properly who was looking way from Peter.

"It's the truth!" Edmund growled.

"Did you ever think about us? What we would feel? Did you ever stop for one moment and think about us in this?" Peter whispered furiously.

"I didn't want to cause any trouble." snapped Edmund, "The three of you were so happy, ecstatic, everyday waking up and looking forward to all the things planned. As you should. I would not be the one to take away that happiness."

"But you weren't happy! You cannot tell me you were either!" Peter hissed shaking Edmund once, "You were suffering silently this whole time and we had no hint that it was going on." he murmured forlornly, easing the grip he had on his brother's shoulders.

Peter flopped back down next to him

He touched his brother's arm looking at his dejected posture, "We should have paid attention more." He spoke with regret.

"No." Edmund stated firmly, "We have a bigger picture to look at here. We have a kingdom to run. You don't have time to come running every time I call you."

Peter glared at him through his tears, "When have you ever called me?"

"..."

"My point exactly!" exclaimed Peter, "You never tell us anything, preferring to suffer silently. They are four thrones in Cair Paravel, one of which is yours. You say look at the bigger picture, did you forget you are part of that picture? Four corners of the picture represent each of us. You want to explain to me, how in Aslan's name, are three corners supposed to hold what it takes four to do? You can't because it can't be done, Edmund!"

Peter couldn't tell if he was getting through his younger brother or not. He took a deep steadying breath trying to calm down, though his heart threatened to beat out of his chest and asked quietly, "Did you really think we wanted that for you? That we wanted you to suffer so long like this. What would Susan or Lucy say?"

Edmund only glanced at Peter. He opened his mouth and shut it along with his eyes. "I…."

Peter shook Edmund softly after a moment had passed and asked barely above a whisper, "What?" There was another pause. He saw then that Edmund was trying to build walls. "Edmund, please, tell me. You'll feel better. Do you really think Aslan wants this for you?"

Edmund shook his head, but Peter didn't know if he was answering his question or not. He wasn't sure what was going though the younger boy's mind anymore. He hadn't for so long and it disturbed him something fierce.

"No…." finally came the choked response, "Aslan wouldn't want this. I know that. I know that you and Lucy or Susan wouldn't want this, but it's…..so hard….."

"What is?"

"You've never felt…." Edmund fidgeted agitated.

"Felt?" Peter's threw an arm around Edmund's shoulders trying to comfort him.

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be happy and I certainly don't deserve to destroy you, Susan's and Lucy's happiness. You were happy, do you get that?" Edmund's eyes blazed as he looked at Peter directly for the first time during the start of this conversation, "You and our sisters were happy, truly. You are happy, it radiates off of you. In fact Lucy is practically the sun itself. And I would do anything not to taint that. I would do anything to protect that. Do you understand that?"

"At the cost of your own happiness? Even with your very life? By suffering by yourself?" came the fierce questioning.

"If need be." came the quiet admittance.

"You are a blockhead, Edmund. We want you to be happy." Then Peter mocked Edmund's question flinging it back in his face, "Do you understand that?"

"I can't!" Edmund yelled shutting his eyes tightly as the tears leaked through, "I've tried, but I can't." Edmund's voice got quieter, "I don't know how. I don't know how to be happy. I really don't. I haven't been happy in a long time. I don't even remember what it feels like. Even before we came here, I haven't felt such thing in….I don't know when. And I've tried to be happy but I found I couldn't. Not really. Not really. Then I thought that….maybe….."

"Maybe what, Edmund?" Peter murmured, stifling his sobs as his brother's confession. He never would have imagined the things that his younger brother managed to hide from them.

From him.

Edmund shrugged, "Maybe….I don't really deserve to be happy."

"Oh, Edmund", Peter cried unable to holding back as he leaned his head on his brother's shoulder, crying for the pain his brother felt and was going through.

Edmund's face was a little absent as he opened his eyes and looked unseeing in front of him as silent tears flowed down, "Maybe its part of my penance. I've accepted that."

TBC….

A.N: *sniffs* Aww, poor Edmund. At least everything is out on the table now...

I should have known that I'd probably beat the length of last chapter, lol. Once I start re-editing these kind of chapters when everything (or most everything) is explain, it tends to get longer. But I love when it does, more fun that way. =D