A/N: This doesn't follow the season finale perfectly...I sort of twisted things to fit how I was writing. Not a lot, just a little. Oy, this was a fun chapter to write! Its super long, but I just couldn't find a good place to break it up. So good luck mucking through it all.
The host recognized Castle and promptly sat them with a flourish. Well, a flourish for a steak house. They ordered their drinks and meals in silence, allowing the waiter, manager and host to come and fill the air between them. However, once their steaks arrived, the management and staff left them alone. Still Richard didn't say anything and Kate began to worry about agreeing to come. Perhaps he felt tricked or manipulated into being here with her...
Finally, Castle broke the silence. "You know what I realized in the car? When my mother suggested we come get a steak?"
Of everything Kate had thought he'd say, it wasn't this. Confused, she shook her head. "What?"
"I realized that we haven't gone for celebratory burgers or case-solving Chinese since I came home from the Hampton's."
Kate felt her stomach flop. Where was he going with this? "I guess you're right," she answered nonchalantly. "We must have fallen out of the habit."
Rick looked hard at her. "Habit, huh?" he asked. Kate just shrugged in response, not wanting to commit more of an answer until she had a feel for where he was going with this.
It turned out he didn't go anywhere with it. In fact, he promptly changed the subject and didn't bring it up again while they were at dinner.
Conversation over the remainder of their meal was alternately easy and strained. Kate struggled to get her cadence back with the author and then she'd remember, or he'd mention something that made her remember all the heart ache and confusion. And she'd fall back into not knowing what to do or say. Then he'd try again – bring up a topic and she'd hit her stride, falling into their old rhythms and patterns. Soon, though, she'd slip up and the exchange would fall flat.
Beckett could tell it was bugging Castle. By the time the waiter came back to offer dessert, he was outwardly frustrated, which just made her more uncomfortable and awkward. She stonewalled him at every turn, and the tension at their table was palpable. She thought she detected some disgust on his face, and Kate panicked in her heart. Confused, the waiter offered to bring the check, for which Castle grumpily thanked the young man.
Just as she thought she couldn't take the stand off any more (she was contemplating bolting from the restaurant), a cheerful voice interrupted them.
"Rick? Kate?"
They looked up and saw Aris walking toward them, a grin on her face.
Castle stood to greet his sister. "What are you doing here?" he asked, hugging her tightly.
"Cal brought all his employees and their spouses out for a Christmas work party. You said you loved this place, and we thought we'd come in and try it! What a happy coincidence," Aris gushed. "What have you been up to tonight?"
"We were out toy shopping for the boys," Kate offered.
Aris smiled her gratitude. "Oh, you are the best. They are so excited for their two Christmases. It's helping keep the spirit of good will in the house, especially with all the drama surrounding their father."
"We're excited too," Rick said, a little stilted. Aris looked back and forth between her brother and her friend for a moment.
"Is everything all right?" she asked, genuine concern in her voice.
"Yes," Rick and Kate answered simultaneously.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Kate covered.
"It's just...you know, never mind," Aris said dismissively. "I should get back to Cal. I won't see either of you until our second Christmas, so let me wish you both a happy holiday!" She hugged Rick tightly. "Give Alexis and Martha my love!"
"I will," Castle promised.
Aris walked over and hugged Kate and wished her a Merry Christmas as well. Waving briefly, she walked away.
The waiter came back with the check and Rick pulled out his wallet in silence.
"Actually, you know what?"
The pair looked up in surprise to find an agitated Aris back standing at their table. "I do have something else to say," she said, twisting her fingers around each other. "You know that I love you both right?" Castle and Beckett nodded, puzzled. "More than I thought possible," she continued. "So I am going to give you some advice. It is unsolicited and pertaining to something that is completely not my business...but in the spirit of loving you like I do, I'm giving it anyway."
"Aris -" Kate tried to stop her friend, afraid of what she would say.
But Aris would have none of Beckett's interruptions. "Nope, sorry Kate – I've kept my mouth shut for far too long. I do this because I love you both." Leaning forward, Aris took Rick and Kate's hands in her own, squeezing them gently.
"Rick," she whispered with a grin, looking into her brother's face, "no more patience."
Turning to Kate, she held her gaze steady. "Kate – my darling friend – be brave. Braver than you've ever had to be. I promise, it will be worth it."
She slipped her hand from Kate's, choosing to not look into the detective's shocked eyes. But Castle held tight a moment longer. "Rissi," he said, emotion thickening his voice, "I love you too."
Aris smiled joyfully and nodded before walking away again. Castle finished with the check and the waiter in silence, giving Kate a moment to comprehend what had just happened. But her brain wouldn't work right – she just kept seeing, in her mind's eye, the look on Castle's face before Aris interrupted them the first time. It was like he was about to give up – give her up, give it all up. Now his jaw was set resolutely and Beckett could tell he'd made a decision of some kind.
Abruptly, he stood, clattering the dishes on the table. "She's right, you know," he said, looking sternly down at her. "I'm done pretending nothing's wrong."
Kate's brain still wasn't processing everything that was happening. She stared stupidly up at him, not sure exactly what he was talking about. Rick pulled on his coat, grabbed up Beckett's jacket and pulled her out of her chair.
This got Kate's attention. "Castle," she hissed as he practically dragged her through the restaurant. "What the hell is the matter with you?" He stopped to help her slip into her jacket – which she jerked away stubbornly – before he towed her out of the building.
"I'll tell you what the matter is," Castle said once they got outside. "We need to talk about real things. That's what's the matter. If we can't talk at the zoo, or at Sunday dinners, or in a booth in a restaurant, then we are going to walk around this city, in the cold, until the words get said!"
"What words, Castle?" Beckett asked numbly.
"The real words, the words that need to be said!"
Shocked, Kate couldn't reply. This bizarre ambiguity wasn't something she normally saw in her partner; the whole situation was very unsettling. Pulling her scarf around her neck a little tighter, she reluctantly fell into step beside him.
"I'll start," Rick said quietly, "because I'm a little embarrassed about my outburst." Kate didn't acknowledge his half-apology, so he continued. "In the restaurant you said we didn't go out to dinner because we'd fallen out of the habit, right?"
"Yeah," Kate agreed.
"Alexis says that Aris thinks that habits are the consequences of what we choose to do, over and over – our choices become our habits."
Kate vividly recalled that conversation. "I know, it seems fairly logical, I guess."
"I agree," Castle said. "And having burgers with you was certainly a habit for me. I chose that over and over and over – I still do," he pointed out. Kate realized that that was true. He'd invited her to lunch and dinner several times while working on cases, or after successfully closing them. Even though she'd not gone with him – used every excuse in the book – he'd never stopped asking. Kate didn't want to think about what that meant. She stuffed the thoughts away.
"Well, maybe not 'habit' then," she clarified. "Maybe just we don't want to do that anymore."
"You mean you don't want to do that any more? But that's still a choice though, right? I mean, you would rather choose not to spend time with me after we've closed a case?" Castle responded, the hurt apparent in his voice.
Beckett immediately felt contrite. "I didn't mean it like that Castle," she defended herself. "I just meant...that – well, before the summer we were...we were – "
"We were what? What were we?" Rick demanded.
"Friends," Kate answered defensively. "Like we are now."
"I disagree. I don't think we are friends anymore," Rick replied matter-of-factly, walking around a lamp post. "I think we've gone wrong somewhere – maybe I have – and since the summer we've played a stupid game of keeping up appearances; but there's nothing beneath the surface. Not anymore."
Kate felt her stomach twist. She wasn't ready for this discussion with him. "I don't know what you're talking about Castle."
"Yes you do – you're the one who's made it this way."
"Excuse me?" That accusation smarted, but rang true. Kate knew she'd built the walls that kept him out. And in the past when he got through to her, she would allow the breach, he came in so slowly there were moments she didn't recognize how he'd gotten to her. But this time, before the summer, when her defenses fell like Jericho's, she learned the punishment for tearing down the walls around her heart was the constant sting of betrayal. And so she built the walls again – thicker – and she doubled the guard. And she made sure that he couldn't even attempt to knock on the drawing bridge door.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that entirely," Castle hastily apologized. "But I can't help but feel like we're playing this game and I'm losing horribly – only you won't tell me the rules so I can win."
Kate bristled at his frankness. "There is no game Castle!" she practically shouted at him. They had walked unconsciously toward her apartment, and now they were only a few blocks away. If she could stall him long enough, she could get home and shut him out with a real door made of wood. One that wouldn't crumble like the doors to her heart could.
Breaking through the clouds of panic, Aris' advice rang in her ears. Be brave. Kate sighed in frustration. She didn't have that kind of strength.
"Yes there is!" Rick insisted. "Ever since I came home things went back to normal except where you were concerned. Everyone treats you different – especially when I'm around. Tell me what I did wrong or tell me what happened so that I can fix what's between us."
"Nothing happened, you arrogant jerk!" Kate snapped at him. "Why do you assume that everything about me revolves around you?'
"Because!" Rick shouted back. "Everything about me revolves around you!"
That statement rang into the still, cold night.
"That's obviously not true," Kate whispered bitterly, after a moment to recover herself from such a startling revelation.
"You can't know that KB," Rick replied. "You can't possible see the choices I make in here," he firmly tapped his chest.
Beckett chuckled derisively. She knew she was hurting him, but couldn't gather the energy to care. "I can see the fruits of those choices though, and they speak loudly." She changed the subject, not wanting to continue down this slippery path. "That doesn't matter anyway," she pointed out cynically, "because no one is treating me differently. There is no game, and there is nothing – NOTHING – between us, so you can drop that notion real quick!"
Now they were just half a block from her apartment. Kate started to stride toward her building.
"Before you run away," Castle said, grabbing her by the arm. "Please will you just answer one question?"
"I'm done talking about this," Kate complained. She ripped her arm from his hold and he put his hands up in mock surrender.
"Please, Kate," he begged in a whisper, "just one."
Beckett glared at him long and hard, Aris' words echoing through her head, they wouldn't leave her be. "Fine," she said. That was as brave as she was going to get.
Rick took a deep, steadying breath. "What were you going to tell me that day I left for the summer?"
Her heart stopped beating for a moment, and then came back in double time. "Nothing," she answered hoarsely, attempting a disinterested shrug. "I don't even remember."
"I don't believe that," Castle informed her, grabbing her by the shoulders.
"That's too bad," Kate shot back, lifting her chin haughtily. She could feel his breath on her face and neck and it made her knees rubbery. Viciously, she tamped down a desire to fall into his arms and let go of the flood of emotion inside her. She wouldn't let that happen, not when she was so close to being safely locked away in her apartment.
"Why won't you be honest with me?" he asked, shaking her just a little before turning on the sarcasm. "Just satisfy my rabid curiosity here."
His cynicism struck a chord in Beckett. Suddenly, her knees became her own, her heart turned to ice and her raging emotions cooled to a scary calm. Suddenly, she wanted to tell Castle everything – she wanted him to know how he'd ruined everything. She wanted him to know that he may have hurt her once, but he wouldn't ever get that chance again. With steely resolve, she moved out from under his hands.
"All right Castle, I'll answer your question," Kate said, her voice thin and controlled. "The morning of your 'goodbye' party, I had a little talk with Laney and she seemed to think my 'heart wanted what my heart wanted' and I should just stop trying to fight it." She could see how still Rick had gone – he hung on her every word. Not even when Kate had a suspect dead to rights in interrogation had she had such a captive audience. It was thrilling, empowering. "So I called Demming and asked to speak with him right then. He came up from robbery and I told him he just wasn't what I needed right now."
"You broke up with him?" Castle asked, obviously distressed by her confession.
"Yes," Beckett replied calmly. "I did. And while I felt bad hurting him, I still know it was the right thing to do. He wasn't – isn't what I need."
"Is that what you came to tell me? That you'd broken up with Demming?"
"Bingo." Kate said, taking perverse pleasure in spilling this news. She'd already mourned and reconciled it – it was Castle's turn to bear the pain of lost chances. "And I was all set to tell you that I'd fallen for you and that I wanted to come to the Hampton's with you...but it just didn't work out did it?"
Castle opened his mouth to reply, but no sounds came out. He just stared in shock at her.
Kate felt bitterness rise up in her at the sight of his speechlessness. "Actually, I take that back. It worked out just how it was supposed to," she sniped into the silence. "I was a fool to think that you would ever want me. Let's face it," she laughed harshly, "I won't ever be someone who will live in the fast lane with you. I don't want the fame and the scrutiny and the press and the tabloids and the scandal. I wouldn't fit with you – in your world. I know that now and it's just fine with me."
With a toss of her head, Kate turned on her heel to run to her apartment. Just before she reached the door, she heard Rick call to her. She stopped in her tracks, ashamed that hearing him speak her name still had such power over her. Rick quickly crossed the space between them, pulling on Beckett's arm to turn her to him again.
"I don't want it either," Castle said, breathing heavily.
"What?"
"The fame and the tabloids and the press – I don't want it either."
Kate huffed out a breath. "Oh stop it Castle, yes you do! You love the attention and the glamour and the red carpets! I know you do."
"I didn't say I didn't love it," he answered patiently, never taking his eyes from hers.
"Then what? What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I don't want it if you don't want it. I don't want any of it, if it means I can't have you."
All the air left Beckett's lungs. The world tilted wildly for a moment before she was able to get oxygen to her brain again. Suddenly, everything was just too much.
She'd held in her tears when Castle left her for Gina, veritably crushing her hard won confidence. She didn't cry when she thought the loneliness would wreck her all summer long. Kate hadn't given herself over to histrionics when Castle came home and their relationship wasn't as cut and dry, as clinical, as she wanted it to be. But now...now Kate felt tears press against the backs of her eyes. "What...why – why are you saying this?" she hissed through clenched teeth.
"Because it's the truth Kate," Rick answered. "I don't know how you've managed to stay obtuse to it for so long – but I am crazy about you. I have been since the day we met. I've tried to be patient and prove to you that I'm worth taking a chance on; I've waited months and months for you to see. And I would have waited longer."
"But Gina?" Kate asked. It was all she could get out with out relinquishing her delicate control on the storm of emotions inside of her.
"I was hurting, KB," he said simply. "I can't tell you how painful it was to watch you with Demming every day; seeing him on the receiving end of the looks and the smiles that I so desperately wanted from you. You let him get you coffee and kiss you and who knows what else..." he trailed off, shaking away the unpleasant memories. "When you turned me down for the Hampton's because of him, I figured it was time I moved on and leave you to your happiness." Wryly, he finished the thought. "I admit I moved on rather hastily...okay, I moved on like I was running toward my own death," he allowed when he saw Kate's eyebrow raise just a little.
This elicited a tiny smile from her which Castle took in stride. He closed the gap between them, hesitantly raising a hand to her cheek. His fingers were cold, but Kate didn't flinch from it. A hot tear slipped down her cheek, catching on his thumb. He wiped away the wet trail it left. "Kate, don't cry," he whispered, pain in his voice. Another tear slipped from her eye and rested at the top of her cheek. Cautiously, Castle leaned in and pressed his lips to it.
Beckett gasped shakily, her hands grabbing his jacket lapels to keep her knees from giving out.
"I can't do this," she whispered. "It's not...I just don't..." she trailed off, her eyes closed tightly. Tucked close to Rick as she was, he could feel that she trembled from head to toe.
"Kate," he whispered in her ear, "if you don't want me, fine. I will leave you alone. But if you're just scared of taking this leap – oh please don't be. Be brave – with me. I can't promise it'll be perfect, but I promise we'll try to make it that way."
With her eyes still tightly closed and her hands still holding his jacket in a death grip, Castle ran a finger over Kate's lips, causing her to shiver. Steadily, carefully, he lowered his face, pressing his lips gently to hers. Kate let her mind go blank – free of everything except what it felt like to kiss Richard Castle – the taste of his lips and tongue and the feel of his cold jacket against her hands. Her hands relaxed and when she started to back away, he ended the kiss. But still Kate didn't open her eyes.
She didn't move for fear that all her doubts and insecurities would come crashing down, drowning her. In his arms, frozen in this moment, Kate couldn't think of a single reason not to love this man for forever.
"Say something KB," Castle finally whispered pressing his lips to her forehead.
Slowly Beckett opened her eyes, but stayed with her brow against his mouth. "I am scared," she whispered.
"What?" Castle rejoined huskily with a hint of humor in his voice, moving so he could look into her face. "My KB? Scared? I would never have believed that." Caressing her cheek with the back of his fingers, he smiled. "Detective Beckett, I am so in love with you it's a little scary to me too."
"What if we fail?" Kate asked – unable to stop the question.
"Do you want to?"
"No, I don't want to fail with you." Kate confessed.
"You don't?" Rick prodded. "Why not?"
Becket dropped her head against Castle's neck, burrowing down into his warmth. She knew what he wanted from her, but his want didn't erase her fear. She had to do that on her own. She remembered the awkward moment when she'd tried to tell Castle that Aris was his sister. When the words wouldn't come, Martha had said them for her. But no one could say these words for her. She needed to just say it! Kate let herself stay hidden for a moment, pressed close to Rick while she sorted out her thoughts and screwed her courage to a sticking place. Finally she pushed away from him and took a big breath. Looking Castle squarely in the eye, she spoke, a tiny sob choking her efforts.
"I don't want to fail with you because I love you so much it hurts," she cried, tears coming afresh. Once the words were out a great weight lifted off of her shoulders; she gasped out loud at the release and found herself caught up in Rick's embrace. "Oh God, Rick, I do love you!" she whispered fiercely. Castle kissed her soundly, passionately, and for a moment everything ceased to exist but Castle and Beckett, in love on the stoop of her apartment building.
They came up for air after a few minutes. "I can't tell you how good it feels to say that to you, finally!" Kate said, laughing in her relief.
"I can't tell you how good it felt you hear that from you, finally," Rick replied dryly. Kate laughed at him and held on to the writer like a life line. They were quiet for a few minutes, reveling in the feeling of holding each other – running gentle hands and fingers along shoulders and necks and faces – touching and being touched so carefully.
Finally, after pressing a gentle kiss to Rick's mouth, Kate confessed. "I'm still a little scared."
Rick smiled at her, smoothing a hand over her hair. "That's okay," he whispered. "As long as you always let me know when you're feeling that way and don't just bolt like...like something that bolts when it gets startled, we'll be all right."
Beckett raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, but was that just you not coming up with a good metaphor? You?"
Castle chuckled and ran his hands along Kate's back, effectively pulling her close. "I think I drank a little too much at dinner," he confessed, brushing his lips across her ear. "My brain's not working."
"You had a Coke at Harvy's," Kate reminded him as she shivered at his attentions.
"Good point," Castle conceded, standing back up again. "So, I guess I'm drunk on...on Aris' good advice – and the outcome of following said wisdom," he waggled is eyebrows. "She's one smart cookie, my sister."
Beckett laughed, grateful beyond what she could convey to feel this light and free. "Rissi's said a thing or two I might agree with," she joked good-naturedly before dropping her voice low. "I'm so glad she came looking for you."
"Me too." Castle's eyes lit up suddenly. "Hey, I know how to put your fears to rest Kate," he said. "How about you put Aris' theory to the test?" Reaching up, Rick cupped Kate's face in his hands. "Kate," he said with all seriousness, "Anytime you feel scared or unsure about me or us – or anything, just ask me. Ask me who I love. You'll see that I will to choose to love you for forever. I'll choose you every day."
End Note: ~Crickets in the silence of my brain~ So? What did you think?