~*Chapter Ten*~

I'd been expecting the knock on the door but it still startled me all the same. The kids had been down for almost two hours, and I'd been afraid to wake them with the sound of the television, so I chose to read a book instead. My stomach flip-flopped while I walked to the door, smoothing the wrinkles on my pants and trying to tame my hair. I put my hand on the door knob and paused for second taking a breath. Slowly, I opened it and whispered, "Hi."

She was standing in the doorway looking as frazzled as she usually did, only this time her mouth dropped open in shock at the sight of me. She gawked; taking a step back and quickly checked the door number.

I laughed. "Yes, it's me."

"You look... you look," she nodded her head, "together."

"Um... thank you?" I said opening the door wider so she could come in. The last time she had been here she lasted about five minutes, disgusted by the state of me and the smell of the apartment.

She was trying to hide the fact that she was snooping so I told her to take a look for herself. She protested, but I insisted. "Really, go ahead. I want you to see I'm capable."

She did a quick tour, peaking in cupboards and the fridge, and finally landing at the bedroom door. She quietly cracked open the door a little so the night light's glow lit up the hallway. The kids, our kids, were sound asleep. She went in to give them a kiss goodnight, making sure they didn't stir. She tiptoed out and met me in the kitchen.

"Can I get you a drink? Coffee? I have decaf."

"That would be nice," she said.

While I was making a pot, she sat on the bar stool at the counter and watched me not saying a word. When the coffee was ready, I poured two cups and joined her on the other barstool. The kitchen was spotless. I'd cleaned every inch of it after dinner, knowing she'd find any excuse to criticize.

"You look good," she said taking a sip. "Are you... okay?"

"I am. I'm getting there. With some help of course."

"Medication?"

"Not yet. We're going to see how I do with therapy first. It comes and goes but..." I looked in her eyes, "I'm really trying this time."

We sat in comfortable silence, the first time in many, many months. "They look good, happy," she said.

"We had a good time." The silence stretched between us.

"Work has asked me to go fulltime." She wasn't looking at me; she continued to sip her coffee.

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know. I mean I want to, they've offered me a good gig. It's what I always wanted to do since College."

"Then you should do it."

She finally lifted her eyes to me, searching out an answer. "I don't know, Edward." She pointed to the bedroom door. "They're still so young, and fulltime daycare... I don't know. It just doesn't seem right."

"Then let me take them... at least until I figure this all out."

"I don't know if that's a good idea. I want to trust you... it's just..."

She sighed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She was staring at her hands splayed out on the counter. I noticed her ring was gone and I couldn't help but touch mine in response. I'd never explained what happened in Chicago. As far as she was concerned, I'd had a breakdown, the pressure of my job taking its toll on me. At least that's what my parents had told her. I hadn't told her anything.

"Then trust me."

"I don't know."

"Let's do a trial run then, and if it doesn't work out we can pay for daycare. You should take the job."

"I heard you're going to be teaching piano?"

"I am. Just a few days a week, a couple of hours here and there. School kids and a few adults."

She cleared her throat. "That's good."

"It is," I said laughing. "Although I'm sure they aren't."

We sipped our coffee, and sat in silence some more. We'd become strangers, but there was no tension. For once we were both calm.

"Do you want to leave them here?" I asked.

"Is it too much trouble?"

"Not at all. I'll bring them over first thing in the morning."

"Okay." She slid off the stool and picked up her purse. "Do you need anything? Do you have breakfast stuff?" She started to ramble off instructions and things the kids would and wouldn't eat. I held up a hand to stop her.

"I think we'll manage."

"Right, sorry." It was starting to get awkward and before it escalated, she thanked me and spun on her heel out the door. I watched her car from the window, waiting for her to make it safely inside. She glanced up and gave me a small, hesitant wave.

I'd passed the first test. My kids were under my roof, fed, clean and safe and it was all because of Alec. I twisted the ring on my finger. I still hadn't taken it off. Letting that go, was going to present a new road I wasn't quite ready to go down just yet.

~*.*~

"I have a favor to ask…" Alec sang. I'd dropped the kids off and had met Alec for coffee. I told him what happened yesterday and after he'd told me how proud he was of me, he sprung this on me.

"What kind of favor?" I asked warily. "I don't like it when you ask things like that." We were sitting outside in the park. There was still a chill in the air, but at least it wasn't raining. He had about an hour before he had to be at the hotel and we were sitting on a bench passing time. I leaned back, throwing my leg over me knee, bracing myself for the favor.

"I need a date."

I choked on my coffee, spitting it all over my jeans. I definitely hadn't been expecting that. I tried to wipe it up, but was making a bigger mess than what it was.

"You're supposed to dab."

"I don't dab."

"Here let me." He made a move for my pants and I pushed myself to the end of the bench. I didn't exactly want him touching me.

"I got it."

"Oh relax, I'm not going to molest you." He moved closer. "Who knows, you might like it."

I gave him the eye.

"Still too soon?" He rolled his eyes. "You know, Edward, one of these days we're going to have to talk about what happened." I made a move to stand up, but he grabbed my arm. "Fine. But you owe me this favor."

I sat back against the bench, knowing I did owe him a favor and should at least hear him out.

"There's this ceremony I've been invited to and I need a date."

"What kind of ceremony?"

"A commitment ceremony."

"What? Isn't that like a wedding?" The look on my face must have been scandalous. He was inviting me to a wedding of sorts. "Hell, no. No way."

"I need you there. Please?"

Everything Alec did had an ulterior motive. I wasn't sure what it was this time.

"When is it?" I asked.

"Next weekend. My date fell through and I can't show up without my plus one. That would be gauche."

"What do I have to do?"

"Just keep me company."

"I don't know." I was actually whining a little bit. "I won't know anyone."

"I won't leave your side. And I promise we're not at a table with a bunch of flaming homos if that's what you're worried about. Good food, free booze, and you need a night out."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Fine. Do I have to wear a suit?"

"Of course."

"Just so you know, I'm not happy about this predicament you're throwing me into."

"Would I say the same thing to you if you asked me to accompany you to a wedding?"

"For one, I wouldn't ask you."

"I'm crushed." He pretended to wipe fake tears from his eyes.

"Hardly. And this is not a date," I added. "Or any form of one."

"Puh-lease. You're not my type."

"I thought men were your type."

"Well yes, that's true. But well-adjusted men. You're an uptight, socially repressed, confused man who is far too young for me. You're also clearly in love with someone else. And I'm not talking about that wedding ring on your finger either."

Reflexively, I made a fist with my hand and started fiddling with the ring.

"You need to make a decision."

"I know."

"Is the marriage salvageable?"

"I don't know… maybe?"

"Do you want to salvage it?"

That was the question. I was sure if I had worked at it, I could go back to my life. Chalk it up to a pre-mid life crisis. The question was did I want to?

"Okay, let me ask you this? Did the marriage end because you didn't love her?"

"No… I love her."

"Did it end because you knew you couldn't love her as a man should love his wife?"

I looked to the sky, shielding my eyes from the sun. I focused on a kite flying in the air. I followed the string down to the hands of a woman. She was laughing trying to pull at the string. A man standing behind her put his arms around her, guiding the kite with her. He nuzzled her neck and kissed her. It was such a stolen intimate moment. The string dropped from her hands and the kite flew off in the air. They were laughing while they chased after it, and finally gave up and returned to each other's arms.

"Honey, I have to run," Alec said bringing me back to the moment. "But I think you know the answer to my question whether you're ready to admit it or not. You can find that again." His head nodded in the direction of the couple. "It just may come in a slightly different package." He blew me a kiss and was gone leaving me alone with my thoughts and my coffee in the park.

~*.*~

Saturday arrived a lot sooner than I'd wanted it to. I woke up feeling anxious. The sunlight was streaming in through a crack in the curtains and it was shining directly into my eyes. I rolled over with a groan. Well, that's a new development, I thought as I felt my cock against the mattress. Huh. I rolled back over and adjusted my tangled up boxers. For the past eight months, there'd been nothing, not even a stirring of any kind. I'd tried. Lord, I'd fucking tried, but nothing had ever gotten me as hard as I was right now. It was 6 a.m. and I'd woken up with a raging hard on. Huh.

I threw the covers off and went to the bathroom to have a shower... no point in letting this go to waste. Maybe I needed a little release to get over my anxiety about today. I left the shower running for a bit, hoping the hot water would put my body at ease. Eight months was a long time. I'd gone longer without sex, but I'd always found ways to get off when I needed to. These past months I hadn't even had the familiar blue balls. This was different. I was grinning like a fool, having thought I was broken for so long.

I let the water run down my back and over my chest and finally looked down. I was still hard. I smiled again at the revelation. Leaning one hand against the tile, I grabbed the soap with the other and ran it down the length of me. I'd almost forgotten what this felt like. Up and down, I moved my hand until I no longer needed the soap and it dropped in the tub with a bang. I was actually grunting while I continued to pump, reveling in the feel of my hand wrapped around my cock. With my eyes closed and my head thrown back, I was cursing at how good it felt. I was close, it wasn't going to take me long and all I kept thinking was thank fuck I was working again. My skin was flushed under the stream of the water and my insides were on fire while the heat radiated from within. I was alive again and felt it coming from the base of my spine moving to my balls. For a split second I imagined his hand instead of mine. The shower... the water... the two of us coming together, gripped tightly to each other. One final grunt, I cried out, cursing him as I slammed my hand against the tile. "Fuck you!" I yelled.

It was the first time I'd gotten off since I spent the night with him and he was still as present in my thoughts even eight months later. I felt better and worse all at once. I was pissed off that I had to think of him, but at the same time I was relieved to be back in business.

I wiped a spot on the mirror, looking at my reflection as I finished drying myself off. I was flushed and panting and my heart was beating rapidly in my chest. I wanted to be free of him and everything he represented. I could pretend I'd cleaned myself up. On the outside I was better, but inside...

"You're still a fucking mess, Cullen," I said and walked out of the bathroom.

It was early, so I threw on some sweats and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee. Staring at the drip, I couldn't help but wonder what today would be like. A small part of me had been imagining all kinds of stereotypical scenarios. From flamboyant drag queens to half-naked men catering the event, I was terrified by the idea. Alec had been calling me every day this week, checking to see how I was doing with the kids and to make sure I wasn't backing out on him. I did want to back out. I thought about calling him and telling him I couldn't go, but I'd made a promise to him and I didn't want to start breaking promises again. Besides, I desperately needed a night out, even if this wasn't exactly the kind of night I needed. It was still something outside of the four walls of my apartment.

I was enjoying my first cup of coffee of the morning, reading the paper when the phone rang.

"Oh, good. You're up. So I figured you can pick me up at two today. You're driving because I'm fairly sure I'll have a few too many mimosas. Don't forget to shave and wear the tie I picked out for you."

"I'm not shaving."

"Fine… I like the shadow. It's rugged. Oh! And don't forget to—"

"Alec, enough. I'm living up to my part of the bargain, all this other stuff is beyond the agreement."

He huffed into the phone. "Don't be late." He hung up on me. I set the handset back in the cradle when it rang again.

"Deal's off. I'm not going, Alec."

There was silence on the other end, but I could hear him breathing.

"Relax, I'm kidding. I'm going."

More silence.

"Alec?" The phone disconnected.

I looked at the caller ID and saw a Chicago area code. The phone dropped from my hand and crashed to the floor. It must have been minutes before I realized I was staring at nothing. My mind was reeling and I wasn't aware of my surroundings. This was all it took to unhinge me. Everything I'd worked at in the last few weeks was balancing dangerously close to the edge. All the questions raced through my head. What did he want? Why didn't he say something? What did this mean? And then more importantly… Did I want to talk to him?

I needed a drink. A stiff one.

My hands were shaking as I searched the cupboards for something to steady my nerves. I didn't care what it was or that it was so early, I just needed something. The only thing I found was Bourbon, kept on hand for the occasional visit from my dad. I poured three fingers worth and dropped it back like it was nothing new. It had burned going down, but it helped numb the pain that was building. I poured some into my coffee, and took a sip, this time I savoring it with the caffeine. Why was he calling? This was the only question running through my head. And then my practical side tried to convince me that it was the wrong number, that it could have been anyone. But deep down I knew it was him and the knowledge of this unsettled me.

A few hours later and I was still a mess. There was no way I could go anywhere today. I scrolled through my contacts, looking for Alec's number when I heard a knock on the door. My heart started racing again. For a tiny second I thought it was him… I wanted it to be him even though I knew there wasn't a possibility of that.

"Edward, open up," I heard Alec's voice through the door.

A sigh of relief swept over me and I walked to the door to let him in. He took one look at me and frowned.

"I can't go."

"Yes you can."

"I'm not going and what are you doing here, anyway? I was supposed to pick you up."

"I figured you'd get cold feet, so I thought I'd light a fire under that tight ass of yours."

He was dressed in full "Alec regalia." His suit was white linen with his turquoise pocket square in the pocket. He had on a bright yellow, button-down shirt underneath his jacket to set the color scheme. He was also wearing an ascot and I couldn't help but laugh. He was primped and primed and ready to go.

"An ascot? Really, Alec? You're wearing a fucking ascot? Where can you even buy one of those?" I turned and headed back to the couch. "You look like Mr. Furley."

"I told you it was a formal affair," he said flippantly, choosing to ignore my dig. "You clearly need some work."

He eyed the empty bottle of Bourbon and I watched his shoulders set in disapproval. He turned back to me, his expression full of questions.

I wasn't drunk. There hadn't been enough Bourbon in there to get me to the state I wanted to be in, but I was definitely feeling good, and was still dressed in my sweats.

"You can't be that nervous about going today," he said. "Something's happened. What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Mmhmm. This," he waved his hand over my appearance, "is not nothing."

I sighed and sat down on the couch, slouching against the back. "I can't do this."

Alec sat precariously on the arm next to me. "I don't want to wrinkle the suit," he whispered then spoke in his regular voice again. "What can't you do?"

"Pretend to be someone I'm not."

If he was surprised by my answer, he didn't show it. He just nodded his head, like he was asking me to go on.

"He called."

This time he was surprised by my words. He let out a big exhale and he was silent for a moment. "What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything. There was only silence on the line. I thought it was you when I answered and then there was nothing. He just hung up."

"Are you sure it was him?"

"It was a Chicago number… it was him."

"That explains the Bourbon. How much did you have?"

"Not enough."

"Well, we need to rectify that. I know a great place for that… open bar… music… hot m—"

"No."

"Edward," he said, trying to reason with me. "I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but you can't keep hiding under that rock pretending he doesn't exist. What happened between the two of you… happened. And trying to convince yourself otherwise is never the answer."

"I'm not pretending. Nothing exists between the two of us."

"What did you mean 'you're tired of pretending to be someone you're not?'"

"I'm tired of him having this power over me. I don't want to numb these feelings, I want to be rid of them."

"Then you need to start talking. They aren't going anywhere if you stay in denial. And I'm not just talking about my nephew. I'm talking about the whole kit and caboodle." He waved his finger at me. "You need to accept who you are."

"And what's that? Gay?" I said laughing. "Sorry, Alec I just don't feel it." He continued to stare at me down the length of his nose, waiting for me to say something else. "I'm sorry!" I raised my hands. "I don't. Can't you just love the person?" I asked, because this was the confusing part. I'd never had feelings for anyone of the same sex, apart from Jasper. He was the only one and even now, after all that had happened, I didn't think I had any tendencies toward men. I couldn't be sure, but it wasn't like I had been lying in my bed and dreaming about having another man's mouth on my cock. There was only one mouth I imagined, and I tried my hardest not to have any imaginings of that nature. Eight months and there hadn't been an inkling of desire in any direction. Male or female. But now that I was sitting here talking about it with Alec, I wondered. Would I have feelings for another man? Or would it be a woman?

"Love?"

"You know what I meant," I dismissed him.

"Mmhmm." He nodded in understanding. "I suppose it could happen that way. Love the person not the sex. I've never really experienced it that way. I don't care how much I loved a woman… there's no way in hell you'd get me to go there. Nah-ah." He waved his finger. "I just don't work like that. But you… you may be different."

"It's just… why does everything have to have a label?"

"Is that what you're afraid of? Honey, gay is gay. It's not something to be ashamed of. White, black, straight, gay, Catholic, Jew. Everyone is defined by something. That'll never change. You can't fight it. It's been that way since the dawn of man."

He let me stew for a moment. "Look," he said, "I have no idea what's going through my nephew's head. We weren't exactly seeing eye to eye when I left Chicago. I'm just as surprised as you by his call." He sighed again. "We've not really been talking all that much."

"Is he okay?"

He looked down at me, trying to decide if he should be honest with me. He was scrutinizing my face. "Do you really want to know?" He waited for me to answer, so I nodded my head.

"Rip the Band-Aid off, right?"

"I suppose." He smiled and patted my arm. "He's fine… more than fine to the outside observer. He's doing great, never been happier he tells everyone. He's been on the opposite spectrum as you, acting as though life is grand and he's grand, but I saw through the charade, and he didn't appreciate it all that much."

"What do you mean?"

"He spends his days at work, and his nights at home trying to dote on that wife of his. It's like he's thrown himself into his life, all Stepford-Wife-like. Don't get me wrong, I love that little firecracker of his, and they love each other, anyone can see that. But it's not the kind of love you write songs or stories about. I suspect it's more like they're fantastic roommates. I know this, he knows it, and I think she does too. But they hide it well."

"So he's still married."

"Of course."

"Are they still trying to have a baby?"

"They are." He watched me with a careful eye. "They haven't found the right donor yet."

"Did he tell her about… you know…."

"That, I don't know. Like I said, we don't really see eye to eye too much anymore. I'm going to bet he hasn't, just like you haven't. Jasper's always been a tricky one. You—I think—wear your heart on your sleeve. I knew it the moment I met you. But Jasper... he buries it deep. You know it's there, but it's the rare person he lets see it. I think that has to do with his father. A military man I've been told."

"Yeah, he died when Jasper was young."

Alec nodded, knowing the story. "Jasper was the only one to accept me right away when our families merged. I've been around the block long enough to know, it wasn't out of the kindness of his heart either. He was curious what my life was about, and I held nothing back from him. I wasn't sure, he hides things very well, but he talked a lot about you. And when I saw the two of you that night at the hotel, well it wasn't hard to put two and two together."

I put my head in my hands and asked whispering, "Do you know what really happened?"

"No, but I think I can guess." He put his hand on my shoulder. "You took that next step."

"Yeah," I admitted. "We had a history... in College. But it ended before it even began. Did you know that?"

"No, but he was pretty torn up when you moved away, so I always wondered. No... that's not true. I always teased. He denied it of course, but I never believed him."

"Well, seeing him again, it was just too hard for me to ignore it. So I pushed him. I wanted it. I was lonely and miserable and he knew what to say to make me forget all that. It was awkward and scary," I chuckled thinking about how nervous we had both been, "but it was amazing. I was alive for the first time in a long time."

"And you think he didn't feel the same way?"

"You could say that. He had no intention of letting it go further than beyond that room. It was a means to an ends."

"Honey, wait, I'm confused. I know my boy, and I'm sure he was just as willing as you. I spoke to him later in the day, after I walked in on the two of you in the hot tub. He was confused, but happy. He told me things were going to 'work out.'"

I scoffed, and wasn't surprised by his words. "He would. That bastard had it all planned out. What I want to know is if his fucking wife knew what he was doing? I guess she didn't care as long as she got what she wanted."

"Hold up... what?" Alec was staring at me with a horrified look on his face. "What did he do?" he asked in shock. "Did he ask you to father his child?"

My voice cracked as I started to speak. "He was hoping I'd say yes… you know… after."

"So he sweetened the deal first?"

I sat back against the couch and nodded again. "He let me use him."

"I don't believe that for one second, Edward. Jasper loves you. So regardless for the reasons why he did what he did, for him to say it didn't mean anything other than a means to an ends… he was lying."

He stood up and started pacing the room. He mumbled every now and then and he looked angry... disgusted almost. I'd thrown him with my confession. All this time he thought he knew the story. I'd thrown my life away for Jasper and he fucked me over... twice. Now Alec knew just how deep the cut went.

"It doesn't matter anymore," I said.

He stopped pacing and stared at me. "Well, you're right about that." He tried to smile, despite the sadness in his eyes.

"Don't."

"Fine… no pity train from me. The past is the past. But that means you have to come with me today. I even promise to get you right liquored up if that's what you want. But no pity train means no more moping from you either."

"I don't know, Alec."

He sat down on the chair, wrinkles be damned and said, "Alright then, I'll stay and we'll talk some more about these 'feelings' of yours. We'll pop some popcorn, paint each other's nails and—"

"Fine!" I groaned and stood up. "I'll come, but no more talk of this. Deal?"

"Deal." He grinned and waved his hand indicating for me to go and get cleaned up.