I returned to the hotel after Tobi put me on suspension. I felt foreign in my own body. In front of the mirror I stripped. I looked so... different. My cheeks were sunken in. I didn't look fat, but, as I pinched my stomach I could feel it. It wasn't that I was fat it was that I HAD fat. I wanted to get rid of it.

But this was the cause of my problem. Now I had nothing to do. I had nowhere to be and no one to see. I sat down on the bed still in only my underwear and stared up at the ceiling. I didn't want to do this anymore. I felt so terribly tired. I wanted to sleep.

I opened the drawer in the nightstand. Prescription sleeping pills that I'd been taking for a while. A bottle nearly full. A glass of water was next to them. I shook the bottle, staring at the contents. Then I set it down, not feeling like even doing that.

I couldn't describe this empty feeling inside of me at first. What was it? The name was on the top of my tongue. Then it clicked.

I realized with cold horror that I was alone. I felt that I was alone. It was not the type of loneliness that one got when their parents ran to the store for an hour. It was that my soul was alone. All my life I had opened up my heart and shared it with others. It wasn't my own heart anymore but contained pieces of other people.

At first my heart was punctured by my parents, creating two perfect holes which were filled by them. Then my father changed and I was sad for a while with that precious piece missing. One of two.

Then Gaara came along and fit snugly in that spot and I was complete again. When I left Gaara when we were kids, and nobody filled that spot, life was hell. Or what I figured hell would be like at age six. It stayed that way but I was only half empty. I still had my mother.

Somehow before I had known it, my mother had left my heart. She disappeared and drained away through her own sort of betrayal. I never wished for her to leave my heart. But so many times she stood beside and closed the door, turning a blind eye to what that man did. She sacrificed me for her own protection. I was merely a little girl.

Within my heart empty I felt loneliness. I was at the bottom of a hole I felt I would never escape. Then a light showed me the way out. Zakari was born. He filled my heart halfway. One of those slots was full. He showed me light I hadn't known for a long time and he was enough for me. It was like that for years.

And it only got better. I opened up my heart more and others punctured it and filled it up there was very little of my own heart left. I was no longer alone. I was the opposite of lonely. Itachi, Naruto, Utakata, Shikamaru, Sakura, Hinata, Tobirama, and Gaara. They joined Zakari and made their own marks stealing parts of my heart and life was wonderful.

Just as they came, each of them left. First Gaara melted away. Then Zakari was torn brutally from my heart. The others followed. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say I shoved them all out of my heart. All but Utakata who clung on and refused to let go.

I owe the fact that I have lived to Utakata. For staying with me through the bad for as long as he did. Though I had little of my heart left with all the empty holes, he was filling up a small piece and keeping me alive.

Utakata was a coat over my bare body in the middle of winter. Things weren't warm but they weren't as bad as they could have been. But now even he has gone and I am left shivering in the cold. I am freezing to death. He's left and left me with a heart completely empty.

I may have been able to survive this before I saw Gaara. I saw him smiling and laughing and reminding me of the life I could have had with him in place of Sari. Life I would have had if I was not so stupid. Knowing what could have been and having to live with that regret is nearly as bad as being alone.

So now I sat in my room, a world of unknown in front of me. I see no light. I am the only one in the world that feels like this I'm sure. I have no one to blame but myself for this misery. If I had been kinder others would have come into my life.

This is a loneliness that can kill. I picked up the bottle of pills and unscrewed the cap. "A loneliness that claims another victim."

What was the point of continuing? I thought about writing a letter but realized no one would ever read it. That was the point of being alone. In fact I could see it. Tobirama would be calling me asking how I was doing and I wouldn't pick up. I'd be too busy loosing consciousnesses, fading into a blackness I'd never wake from.

Then Tobi would get annoyed. He'd call Utakata who would say we're no longer talking. Then after a few more days, he'd send someone to my place and knock and holler and be noisy. The staff would ask what was wrong. After a day or so they'd open my door and see me. By then my body would be bloated and my heart stopped.

A lot of people would attend my funeral but I wouldn't be able to name most of them. Utakata might be sad and he'd hug Hotaru. But in a week he'd be over it and maybe even later that day he would be on a plane to his next shooting location. Nobody else would bother coming.

I smiled. Perhaps I should write a letter to the police who have to clean up my body. I could see it:Dear Police, sorry about the mess. I tried to choose a clean way to go. It was this or splitting my wrists.

I curled my knees up to my chest and gave myself a hug. "I'm tired." I whispered, dumping a handful of pills into my hand. Tired summed it all up. Tired of trying. Of feeling sad and lonely and tired. Of pretending everything was fine.

Of living.

There was no point pushing it or delaying it further. I took four pills in my mouth and and sent a prayer to heaven that I may be forgiven. Surely I would end up in heaven with Zakari. Had I not spent enough time in hell already? Only one way to find out.

I sat back on the bed and stared at the white wall, swallowing the pills with the water. Then I poured a few more into my hand and repeated the motion. I realized I was crying when I shut my eyes at last and felt the tears fall on my chest. I should have dressed up more. Dying in underwear wasn't glamorous at all.

Another bunch and another bunch I took until the entire bottle was gone. I cried harder and the bottle fell from my hands. I closed my eyes and felt absolutely nothing. Finally the pain from the loneliness was gone. I leaned back.

My phone rang. I didn't feel like answering it. But it sparked a little motivation in me. There was someone else I wanted to call. Someone's voice I wanted to hear. I dialed the numbers and let it ring.

It was an automated voice message. I was quiet for a few seconds. "Hey... this, this used to be Gaara's phone. It probably isn't now. Some stranger is probably going to get this and delete I before I even finish. It will... never be heard. But that's okay. I can't believe I remember this number... five years later.

"Or maybe I can believe it. I'm pretty pathetic huh Gaara? But let's not talk about me." I laughed. "I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy you got where you are. If anyone deserves a happy ending it's you. You wouldn't have had this ending with me. I would have held you back. It's good we didn't work out. For you.

"I want you to know that no matter what this- I mean, if something happened it wouldn't be your fault. I never want you to think about me again okay? I want you to be happy. I want you to be a good dad. Congrats by the way, I never told you that. I hope you and Sari and the baby. You will be a terrific dad. You were always great with Zakari. He loved you. I never told you, but he used to brag to his friends about what a great dad he had. He'd sneak into my room at night hoping you had stopped by. And if you hadn't he'd wake me up asking why not. In the morning when I asked what he wanted to eat, he would say 'I want fish, because that's what my new daddy likes'."

I was tearing up. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. "You will be an excellent father, husband, and manager. Thank you for all the memories, they were excellent. I don't regret a thing.

Wow... I'm, getting tired now. I'll see you again someday. Or, well I probably won't. I don't think that we'll go to the same place in the end. It's sad... I wanted to see Zakari again... I-"

My voice wouldn't come out anymore. Tears and the fatigue blocked it. I let the phone fall from my hand.

I was terribly tired now. It wouldn't be long. Nobody would find me before I blacked out and the life drained out of me. I'd be gone soon. I smiled and let the life drain from me with my tears.

I thought I heard something crash, or maybe a voice. But it was so quiet it didn't matter. Soon... so soon... I'd be gone.

I don't know If I had been asleep, or if I was just nearing it, when I heard a bang resonating through the building. It didn't matter. I didn't have the energy to open my eyes again. Not ever again. Even the call of a familiar voice was muted.

My eyes were shut, I was off in a dream land. I prayed I would never wake.