Darn! When I saved this draft, there was a formatting error... and fused this ENTIRE STORY with HTML code! The painful deleting... if you see anything like emso/em or strongAWESOME/strong or anything like that, it's probably something I missed. And if you didn't know already, this whole story isn't supposed to be serious.
And as I write this, I'm listening to the song when Captain Falcon punches Black Shadow. YYYEEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!
"Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go! The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh, through the white and drifted snow!" Issei sang, skipping through the hallways of DEM Industries with Kurumi and Vali just walking behind. "Over the river and through the woods, oh how the wind does blow! It stings the toes and bites the nose, as over the ground we go HURRAY!"
"Don't do that ever again." Sighed Vali in annoyance. "Your singing lowers the IQ of every single person on the street."
"What did you say!?" Issei shouted through gritted teeth. "Do you want to get your a-s kicked again?" All of a sudden, DEM soldiers and operatives appeared on the other side of the hall, forcing Kurumi to shove Issei and Vali behind the wall, right when she took a golden pocket watch out of her pocket. "Ok, what do we do now?"
"I'll slow them down." Kurumi volunteered as a purple mist flew out of the pocket watch and into the barrel of Kurumi's flintlock pistol. "Then you can attack them." As the lasers started flying, Kurumi stuck her hand out of cover, holding the pistol, and spammed it down the hallway, not missing once. "Now, Issei-San." She pushed him out of cover while Vali unleashed his dividing powers upon them, robbing their armor of its magic-resistances. Next, Issei just... concentrated. Cleared his mind and focused on the dress breaking retribution.
"Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!" Vali gawked in awe as their armor exploded, revealing all of them naked and frozen in time like statues at an art museum. "H-how did you do that?"
"That's the power of German engineering- I mean, Issei Hyoudou, the Red Dragon Master Harem King!" Issei declared proudly as he tried his best not to have a nosebleed as he observed the girls. "Wow... it's like... A WORK OF ART!" He inspected one of them up close just as the time-stopping effects wore off, breaking the dam and unleashing the blood.
"Quit screwing around!" Snapped Vali, dragging Issei by his hair and away from the commotion. "We still have to find your friends, remember?" He led the two into a dark section of the building, where all they could hear was some machinery through the walls as they walked along the halls (hey that RHYM'D). He slowly inched closer and closer to a door that was slightly ajar, the only source of light in the west wing of the building. Kicking open the door, he looked inside briefly and calmly closed it behind him as Issei and Kurumi looked at each other in confusion, standing up and trying to look at what was inside the room. "Houston, we have a problem." Announced Vali, then punched Issei across the face so he fell to the floor. "Get down!" He yelled, pulling Kurumi to the ground as the sound of gunfire broke out. Lasers sped over their heads (rhyme AGAIN!) and punched holes in the walls.
"Jesus tap-dancing Christ!" Yelped Issei, scrambling away and taking Kurumi from him as the door burst down. Ten freaking bandersnatch marched out with automatic laser shotguns. That's right, automatic laser shotguns. Modeled after the Saiga 12K. Vali stared up in horror at the bandersnatch slowly raising their weapons at his head and shouting "EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE" like a Dalek.
"TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHER F-KER!" Issei shrieked, leaping out of cover and aiming laser-Ascalon at the bandersnatch. Out flew a laser rainbow of pure awesomeness, smashing into the ten bandersnatch and exploding them to smithereens. "Kurumi! What floor are the spirits and the others on!?"
"I believe it was floor 15." Kurumi answered, opening the emergency staircase exit and running up the stairs. Issei tripped over the top stair and went tumbling down, smashing into Vali as he fell on his a-s.
"The f-k, dude!?" Vali complained. "My a-s! I can't walk!"
"What do you want me to do," Issei groaned, "carry you? I'm not gay! But I'll drag you along! How's that?"
"Nevermind." Vali stood up, struggling. "I'm fine." But to retaliate, he threw Issei up the stairs emso hard /emhis head got stuck in the wall, forcing him to bend over. Angered, Vali walked up the stairs and kicked Issei in the a-s, shoving him deeper in the wall before pulling him out. "How does it feel, huh? To get your a-s smashed?"
"That hurt!" Winced Issei, falling to the floor and trying to crawl his way up the stairs. "Why can't we use the god d-mn elevator!?" Groaning, he shambled up the stairs while Kurumi just jogged up, giving zero f-ks as Vali and Issei bickered incessantly.
"We're here." Kurumi motioned to the door that lead to floor 18 as Vali and Issei reached the same floor, not wearing their helmets and slapping each other silly. "And heeeeere we go!" She opened the door but caught a tank bullet... in the face! She flew back and hit the wall, then fell to the floor in pain. "Ara ara, they're really bringing out the big guns now, aren't they?" Issei pulled her aside as he stuck his head out the door. A freakin' tank was in the hallway! What kind of bloke brings a tank to the 18th floor?
"HOLY SH-T!" Yelled Issei, activating his helmet shortly after Vali activated his. "They have a tank!"
"Thomas the Tank Engine?" Asked Vali, chuckling.
"NO!" Issei scoffed. "A real tank! That shoots shells!"
"Seashells-"
"STOP IT!" Issei roared. "Let's just show this arse hole what we're made of!"
"Carbon, hydrogen-" Vali answered, but got shut up when Issei flipped the bird at him. Infuriated, Vali shoved Issei into the hallway and caught a tank round in his a-s, which blew up and showered Kurumi and Vali in dust and debris.
"GOD D-MN MOTHERF-KING SH-TTY F-KING SH-T F-KERS!" Issei screamed, arching his back and grabbing his butt cheeks through the dragon armor in pain. "OWHOW! Jayzus, Vali, what was that for!?"
"Stop acting like a baby." He mumbled, leaping out and firing some blue bursts of energy at the tank and hopping back into cover right before it fired again.
Issei shot back, "Hey! It hurts getting shot in the a-s by a tank, ok!?" He had an arm spasm and accidentally slapped a tank shell out of the air, giving him even emmore /empain. "OOOOWWWW! Mother f-ker! I think I broke my wrist! OOoooooowwwwww!"
Vali grabbed the next tank shell and hurled it like a football player at the tank, having no effect whatsoever. "Oh, screw this!" He shouted, running up to the tank and using his powers of dividing to decrease the durability of its barrel temporarily, giving him enough time to bend the barrel so it was basically going to shoot itself. However, Vali was standing in the way of the barrel when the effect wore off, and as a result, the tank fired straight into his balls. "F**K-F**KITY-F**K-F**K-F**KERS!" Vali yelped, flying back into cover and throwing up blood everywhere from the pain his groin was experiencing. "I feel your pain, Red Dragon Emperor!"
"Yeah no sh-t." Issei had a different plan; now that the tank was basically a sitting fat duck, he activated laser-Ascalon and ran up to the tank, but a DEM operative popped out right where the driver hatch was WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER and fired it at Issei, who sliced it in half and hopped on the tank. Like a can opener, he sliced off the tank's turret hatch and threw a DEM soldier outside, then literally emripped /emher armor off with intense power. "This is for shooting me in the a-s!" He growled, deactivating his helmet and revealing a rape face. Yes, he was going to do it. But Vali knew they had to stay on track, so the smack over the head with a folding chair that was found inside the tank did the job.
"In here." Kurumi pointed to a door, then fired 3 times through it and heard a flump inside. But as she opened it, she saw to her disappointment it was a mannequin. Jessica, hiding behind the open door, tried to skewer through the head with the laser harpoon gun she had, but Kurumi caught it like a pro, not giving a sh-t about the harpoon sizzling in her hands as she threw it back at Jessica. She dodged it, now trying to stab her through the face with a laser bowie knife, but failed when Kurumi grabbed her wrist and twisted it behind her back, then kicked her so she slid across the floor to the feet of two people.
One was a man in a black tux, who was NONE OTHER THAN THE FREAKING ISAAC WESCOTT. Standing next to him was the platinum-blonde haired woman with blue-gray eyes Issei saw a few days ago, when he first met Kotori.
"PEEK A BOO!" Issei screeched, jumping through the door and spewing out a long geyser of blood from the view he witnessed. He had seen lots of death in his life. A stray, rogue spirit with the flesh blasted off of its bones as Akeno giggled and continued to fry it with her lightning attacks. He witnessed a fallen angel dismembered when Koneko pinched it in the arm. Heck, he saw Kiba split a defecting demon in half with his sword, revealing its insides to Issei. But this sight was worse than the lobotomies he read about, the "experiments" he learned about in history class, and the genocides he also read in textbooks. Even though he had never seen the 8 or 9 year old girl before, strapped to a metal table angled at 20 degrees, with her blue, waist-length hair matted in her own blood. It was no doubt a spirit, and the youngest one he had seen so far. HE COULD EVEN SEE THE LIFE FADING FROM HER SAPPHIRE-BLUE EYES! "I found youuuu!" He said through gritted teeth. "Now let everybody go. Everybody. Rias, Akeno, Asia, Koneko, Xenovia, Tohka, Kotori, Yuzuru, Yamai, and everybody else you have in captivity. Including that girl."
Her freaking chest was OPEN! He could see her insides clearly, and blood. Oh, man, the blood. The green raincoat with bunny ears she wore was also bloodstained, and she had, like, the saddest look on her face. Heck, it was a face so sad even God could have risen from the dead and cried enough to fill a galaxy. "You sick f-ks!" Issei shouted. "Release them! What the h-ll have you been doing to them? Pedophile? Person who rapes dead bodies, or at least I'm assuming you do so! Murderer! Kidnapper! Genocidal maniac!"
"Do you know how much spirit hearts are worth?" Asked Isaac, walking over to the girl and smiling as if he had just tasted the best food in the world. "This spirit is useless. She can't even turn into her inverse form, and guess what we do when we have a worthless spirit?" He picked up a scalpel from the surgical tray next to him. "Spirit hearts have enough magic in them to grant an entire race a few eons' worth of energy. That's how I got all this." He motioned around him, but soon had both of his arms broken when Issei flew forwards and smashed him into the wall.
"Vali!" Issei commanded. "Take care of that woman!" He fired a bolt of energy at her, decreasing her suit's magical resistances before she flew to Vali and swung at him with her laser sword and kicked him into the wall emso hard /emher foot was stained from his blood. Issei used his extremely gifted and skilled powers of dress-breaking telekinesis to humiliate her, but guess what? NO EFFECT! "Uhh... CRAP! Kurumi-Chan, please keep an eye on this bloke, but don't kill him!" Kurumi walked over and pulled Isaac Wescott to the floor, where she stomped on his balls and aimed her pistol at his face, then smiled in a yandere manner. Meanwhile, Vali fell down from the wall and spasmed in pain, then slowly stood up as Issei flew across the massive room. "RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Issei roared, Welsh-Draogon-Overboosted-Mike-Tyson-Falcon-Punching her in the face, throwing up lots of dust and creating a shockwave as Issei kept his fist in the same place, attempting to control the massive power levels flowing through it so it wouldn't explode. Panting, Vali tried to look through the dust as it cleared. SHE WAS STILL STANDING, WITH 2 LASER SWORDS! "WE GOTTA STOP HER!" Issei shouted, running back in fear to rejoin Vali as he formed two spheres of blue energy in both of his hands.
"Yeah, and that's gonna be the hard part." Warned Vali.
"Less talk, MORE ACTION!" Issei yelled, brandishing laser-Ascalon and flying-dashing to her, letting out a battle cry that sounded like Tarzan. Trying to punch-stab the crazy mofo, she instead, held up her foot, which had a gravity propulsion system on it. "OSH-T!" Issei yelped, trying to fly away. "Osh-tosh-tosh-toshiiiiiiiiiiii-" Kicking and activating her gravity propulsion system simultaneously, Issei flew forwards and skidded across the floor in pain. "Well, that didn't work out well."
"You sealed spirits' powers," Vali suggested, "so why don't you use their powers?"
"OOoohhhh yyeeeeeaaahhhhhh!" Issei smirked, trying to summon Kotori's inferno cannon. "Uh, how do I do it?"
"Don't ask me." Sighed Vali. "Look, just get this over with! That spirit over there..." He pointed to the dying girl, "is DYING!" Suddenly, Issei's right forearm glowed bright red, then dimmed to reveal...
"Holy Jesus on a muffin!" Issei gawked in awe at the inferno cannon on his hand. It glowed bright red with the searing energy of flames, and not only that, it looked awesome. Aiming it at the woman, he charged up God knows what as she flew to Issei, readying both swords for action. "Oh sh-t!" He cried, releasing it at the last second and looking away in fear. Flames exploded everywhere, pushing Issei back with enough force to fly into the wall and crack it. "Mahan, this thing has a lot of recoil!" When the red smoke cleared, the woman was on all fours in armor that was smoking and burning off. The walls, floor, and roof were all charred black by the blast of Issei's inferno cannon.
DEFEATED! Announced Albion.
More like: FATALITY. Corrected Ddraig.
Fatality is when the target dies brutally, dumba-s! Albion re-corrected as the woman's armor completely melted off, revealing her otherwise unharmed and in a white and black bodysuit that was tight. Pretty tight. Oh, man, that... that is hot.
Very hot. Ddraig admired her curvy body. Wait, what are we saying? What are we even doing? Shouldn't Hyoudou Issei be the one doing this instead?
"I have other things to take care of!" Issei ran up to the dying girl. "Aw, crap... uh... Vali! Do you know anything about, like cauterizing bleeding or suturing? Sewing?"
Vali flew over and took a good look at her, then removed his helmet to show a freaked out face. "Holy crap, dude, I don't! I think she's going to die of blood loss! Is there a bovie pen!?" He searched the table, but only found scalpels, scissors, tweezers, and other tools that would be painful if used on you. "Uh... we need something hot! HOT! Not beautiful hot, but HEAT hot! How 'bout your inferno cannon?"
"Don't..." The girl barely mumbled. "I feel... at peace..."
"You're dying!" Issei shrieked, throwing off of his helmet and nearly gouging his eyes out in horror. "AAH! Where's Asia-Chan? D-mmit, how can she be missing at such a critical time!? Wait, you're a spirit, right?" The girl weakly nodded, dying of blood loss. "Don't you have regeneration? What's your name?"
"Yoshi... Yoshino... I see something..." She slowly closed her eyes, giving Issei a heart attack. "I see light... it's bright... and warm..."
"AAHH!" Vali screamed, attempting to use his powers of dividing to divide the intensity of the blood loss, while Issei fruitlessly tried to use his powers to exponentially increase the amount of blood in her system. "SHOOOOT! Keep open those eyes, Yoshino-Chan! You are not dying today! Not on our watch! No! NO! Don't you do it!" He cried as her arms went limp. "DON'T YOU D-MN DO IT!"
The table suddenly angled itself at 90 degrees and released its arm and legs clamps, letting Yoshino fall to the floor, dead. Her face was so... serene, as if she had finally reached her peace. That was the opposite of what Issei was, however. He was so friggin' scared his balls nearly fell off! "Welp, you're f-ked." Vali warned to Isaac Wescott, who was GONE! Kurumi was gone as well. "Huh?! Where the h-ll did they go!? Uh, Issei! They're gone!"
"What?" Issei looked up and had a heart attack. "HOJESUS! WHERE DID THEY GO!" All of a sudden, the ceiling, yes, the entire ceiling, was ripped off by a giant pair of robotic hands. "Oh crap, don't tell me-"
"YES!" Bellowed a voice form above. Issei, Vali, and the woman looked up to see a gigantic, 100-story tall mech looking down on them. It looked like a gundam, except overly armed with 100mm cannons. "Hyoudou Issei. Strange how you couldn't save Yoshino." Something in Issei's mind snapped. Yes, he was pissed. But not just any kind of pissed! He was... PISSED! Like, driven batsh-t crazy! He stomped his foot into the ground, and all of a sudden, the sky started to glow green above where Issei was standing, illuminating each raindrop that fell from the sky an emerald green. Dust and green energy lifted off of the floor in a spiral pattern, and the ground shook like a 20+ earthquake (Richter scale). Ok, seriously, Issei was pissed.
Hyoudou Issei. Ddraig warned. Don't lose control. Your power level is more than that of your Juggernaut Drive. If you spin out of stability, we will both die.
"Lose control my A-S!" Issei shrieked, pointing up at the mech. "ISAAC WESCOTT! Yoshino died slowly and painfully. She had a life in front of her; a life full of opportunity, freedom, and joy. You revoked that from her, so I'm GOING TO END YOURS SIMILARLY!" He flew up into the sky until he could look down on the mech, and then his balance breaker started to glow green. It unfolded until it was, like, 2 times larger than it already was and looked like it was ready to blow up a galaxy.
Welsh Dragon INFINITE DRIVE! Ddraig announced. Actually, I don't know what form this is called, since you're the first host to have reached this power level. So I'm just going to call it Welsh Dragon INFINITE DRIVE!
"Why don't you come down here and fight me like a man!?" Isaac Wescott shouted from the inside of his mech.
"Why don't you come up her and fight me like a dragon!?" Issei retorted, smirking as the spiral now spun out of control so it was like a green tornado of energy. Isaac used his mech to fly inside, but Issei was already waiting for him, a few thousand meters above his head. Isaac Wescott ejected himself from the mech, flying towards Issei in a mech suit the same size as Issei's.
"ISSEI HYOUDOU!" Vali yelled, jabbing a finger at Issei.
"I WILL NOT DIE!" Isaac Wescott roared, taking out a laser halberd. "MY DREAM WILL NOT DIE!"
Issei flew down with great epicness. He didn't need laser-Ascalon, just his balance breaker, Ddraig, and his trusty final weapon. He was going to avenge Rias. Akeno. Asia. Koneko. Xenovia. Tohka. Kurumi. Yoshino, Yuzuru, Kaguya, and Kotori. Isaac Wescott was a doomed mofo. He wasn't going to fulfill his dream. He was doomed.
"I WILL APPLY PRESSURE TO YOUR FACE BY THE MEANS OF MY FIST!" Issei screamed, "FALCOOOOON PUNNNNNNNNCCCHHHH!" The fist and the blade connected, with a power so intense the green energy spiraled to the heights of heaven and the depths of hell. Isaac Wescott's laser halberd shattered, but the Falcon Punch still carried on to connect with Isaac's face. The punch was so powerful and epic that the entire galaxy shone bright green as Issei continued to fly down, driving his fist deeper into Isaac Wescott's face and accelerating his death. Through the building's floors, Isaac Wescott still tried to fight back. But no. He was inches away from death.
"NNNOOOOOOO!" Isaac Wescott's helmet flew off, to reveal light exploding from his mouth and eyes as he smashed into the floor, shortly before Issei hit the floor as well. A shockwave rippled through the ground, toppling skyscrapers and throwing up entire seas, creating tsunamis speeding across the ocean and letting sections of the lithosphere fly everywhere.
Revenge was served.
"Uah?" Issei jerked awake in his bedroom, with the covers over his bed. "Wow, that was one dream! Ugh... what? No school? He looked at the newspaper sitting on his lap and read the front page: CITY IN RUINS FROM SPACEQUAKE. He saw a picture of, like, the entire city demolished with a mile-wide crater in the floor. Luckily, the picture was in color, so he could see the detail of the buildings toppled down like dominoes, all pointing away from the crater. Rubble was everywhere, and so was a strange, green glow fixed on everything in the vicinity of the crater. "Wait, WHOA! Don't tell me-"
"ISSEI-SAN!" The door to his room was burst down, and soon he was going to die. Too many people were hugging him. Rias, Akeno, Asia, Xenovia, Koneko, Tohka, Kurumi, Kaguya, Yuzuru, and Kotori were all gripping him tightly and starting to cry to show their thanks.
"HOLY CRAP!" Issei shrieked. "So all that was real? What happened!? I don't remember the rest!"
Rias looked at him with glassy eyes and said, "You freed all of us! DEM Industries is gone! Isaac Wescott was killed by... all we know was that it was a punch! A very powerful punch!"
"Arigato, Issei-San!" Kaguya and Yuzuru smiled, kissing him on both cheeks. All of a sudden, their clothing melted off in an instant. Issei sealed their powers, or more accurately, they sealed their own. "AAAUUUGGGHHH!" They cried, falling to the floor and covering themselves. "W-what happened?"
"Uh... oh, yeah! I sealed your powers as spirits!" Issei chuckled nervously. "So... I guess you both won? But that doesn't matter!" He grabbed both of them by the shoulders. "I could never pick one of you to become the true Yamai. The truth is... I love both of you! And if anything, uh, bad happens to all of you, I'll sure as hell Falcon Punch the living crap out of whoever did it to you! That is my vow!"
Akeno turned around and motioned 'come in'. "Issei-San..." She kissed him on the cheek, "we have a new rook!"
Issei saw who just walked in and had a heart attack.