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-/-
Poe pulled at his neck, aware of the muscles aching there.
He scooted away from the underside of the Millenium Falcon, groaning as he saw the burns still sitting there resolutely.
"Han's gonna kill me, when I die."
"I'll do it for him, and save you the trouble of waiting."
Kylo Amidala floated into the hangar, pulling his hair away from his face with restricted and awkward movements, pulling irritably at the high-necked collar of his robe.
Poe suddenly felt grimy and unclean as Kylo leaned in, kissing his forehead gently.
"What's wrong?" Kylo asked, rolling his sleeves up gingerly, freeing himself from the gloves underneath, managing to get his hair tied back with one hand.
Poe ran his hand over Kylo's shoulder, receiving a pained sigh as Ben came back to himself. "...It doesn't hurt, really. It's just sore."
Poe retracted his hand tensely. He tossed his screwdriver onto a nearby tray, turning back to the open panels he was trying to piece back together.
"Poe…" Ben started softly, standing with no small amount of difficulty.
"Stay out of my head." Poe demanded, sharper than he probably meant.
"I don't need to be in your head to know what's going on in it." Ben chuckled, resting his hand on Poe's shoulder, now. "You did your best. We're safe, Poe; you've done well."
Poe closed his eyes and tried not to think about how soft Ben's lips had been against his forehead.
Ben rubbed Poe's shoulder gently, and Poe knew he wanted to hug him, but it was too much strain on his injuries.
Poe took a deep breath, smelling oil and smoke.
"It's still better than the first time I tried to fly."
Ben laughed, not his quick, barking laugh, but his soft, real one.
He remembered sitting against the door to Kylo's flat, ear pressed to the door, hearing that same laugh after something Hux had said, and...well. The groovelike cuts on his hands were faded now.
Poe wondered briefly how he could ever live with himself, how he was living with himself now.
Ben made another soft sound, sinking slowly to his knees and leaning his cheek between Poe's shoulders with no small amount of difficulty.
His weight was gentle, warm, and familiar.
He would not force Poe to speak until he was ready, he knew, but he still didn't know how he was supposed to tell if Ben was in his head or not.
He was just close enough to being sensitive that he always felt the force pressing in on him; if there was a slightly stronger push, he would barely know.
Though, he considered and Ben sighed again, turning his head so his other cheek rested against Poe, if he knew what Poe was thinking, he would never touch him.
"Ben, please, please, remember this. Remember the risks we take. Remember the injuries they leave when we...when I fail. It doesn't even have to be something you did. Remember this when he demands to know what you do behind closed doors." Poe begged softly, fists tightening again.
Ben did not move from his position, hands still at Poe's elbows.
Poe's voice hung dead in the silence between them, and somewhere, distantly, Ben began to speak.
"I did not want this." He whispered, his voice not daring to echo in the hangar.
No sooner had Poe realized that the weight on his back was a ghost of his own thoughts than Ben curled up against the landing post of the Falcon, pulling his knees to his chest like a lost child. His skirts flowed into a huge circle around him, a black hole with a pale face.
"Just because I agreed to it does not mean I wanted it. Consent isn't always so rigid." He continued, Kylo rising under his heavy-lashed eyes.
Poe didn't dare to move.
"I did not lie, when I told you there was no choice. Now that you've seen him, surely you must also see that. I did only what I knew was best for my people. There is no other choice than that."
Still, Poe didn't respond. How was he supposed to?
Ben did not continue.
Silence became something worse, painfully forcing its way into Poe's ears, until it was finally too much, and he lifted his wrench once more. He began loosening a charred panel noisily, letting it clatter horrifically as he threw it away. He felt Ben shudder through the body of the ship.
"I don't understand why you're so uncomfortable with letting us in...I can't help but wonder if, even after all these years, you still hide something from us…"
Poe threw his wrench as hard as he could towards the ground, where it went spinning wildly away.
"Don't you dare-" He snarled as angrily as he could muster.
"-I've dared nothing but wonder about you, Poe." Kylo interrupted coolly, pressing his collar against his throat. "And you have done nothing but prove what I had no reason to ask."
As soon as Poe realized his wrench had never actually hit the floor, it was coming to rest back in his hand, and Kylo was standing at the door he had entered through.
Poe choked on a sob.
"Please, Ben, I'm not-I never wanted-I just thought I mattered to you." He begged, unsure of what he was begging for, feeling the universe around him crumble.
In the time it took for Poe to realize that Ben hadn't actually pushed his way into Poe's head, and that Poe had said too much, Kylo was shrinking in confusion.
"What are you talking about, Poe?"
The pilot swallowed heavily. That was all he was, after all, wasn't he? Just a pilot, not an emperor, certainly not an equal to Ben, not anymore.
"Nothing." He responded hoarsely. "I'm just...not thinking clearly. Too much smoke."
He tried to turn away, but Kylo's hands were there, on his shoulders, and as Poe forced himself to look into Kylo's eyes, found that he was crying.
Poe shuddered, and tried to step back.
"How-What can you mean? Do you think you don't matter to me?"
Ben's voice was broken and raw, hurt and shocked.
Poe could feel his pupils dilating as Ben choked in a quiet sob. "Poe, you're everything to me. How did I ever make you feel otherwise?" Ben whispered, letting tears fall into his makeup, as hurt as Poe had ever seen him, and Poe leaned in and kissed him.
Ben stiffened sharply, but he did not push Poe away.
Poe knew Ben didn't want this, but it was too late to stop, he couldn't have stopped this.
Ben still didn't understand.
Poe held Ben's neck and tilted his head, pressing his mouth against Ben's unmoving lips, knowing he was smearing red all across both of their faces.
He pushed, harder than he meant to, and Ben let himself be pushed against the door, either too in shock still to register what was happening or too horrified to move.
Poe didn't stop; how could he? At best, he would never see Ben again after this, at worst Hux would kill him, and there seemed to be very few middle possibilities. The hand not holding Ben's neck in place wrapped around his waist, pulling him as close as possible, like Poe could use his entire body to say what words wouldn't suffice. Every moment he held Ben, he felt him slipping further away; that child with the long hair and pale clothes and shy skittishness that Poe quite literally smashed into, so many years ago, the child who had grown into a lanky and uneven teenager with a soft gait forced heavy, power brewing under his skin like a storm as all around him desperately tried to quell his tempest, that teenager who was forced too quickly into the feeble adulthood that Poe was trying to stave off now, Ben was slipping away from him.
Seconds faded into desperation, time no longer relevant as Poe sharply tilted his head the other way, as if he could force emotion back into the boy who was born with too much. He should have done this so long ago. Maybe if he had, Ben wouldn't have slipped away into Kylo, Kylo wouldn't be slipping away now, like he was fading through the door Poe had shoved him against.
It was too long, now; Ben either had to push him away or start kissing back, he couldn't just stay still and let Poe do this.
But he did. He let Poe hold him, press him against the door, smear his makeup, and he did not make any attempt to resist or accept. He was just there, unyielding and unknowing, and finally Poe could kiss him no longer.
There was no warmth to Ben, no love, and try as Poe did to share that with him, it could not have worked.
He broke away slowly, letting go of Ben's neck, then his waist, finally stepping away.
"I needed to do that." Poe murmured, as if it could explain away everything he had done. He turned away, as if he could force himself to not linger.
Ben tried to speak, several times, but his voice died before it left his mouth, and when Poe forced himself to look back, to see Ben, he was holding his hand up to his face, fingertips against swollen lips, like he could peel away all that had just happened. His eyes were wide and shocked, and his chest rose and fell quickly, unevenly.
"I never knew." He finally managed, voice as broken as it could be, tears dragging white makeup onto the neck of the robe he wore, one Poe was now fully recognizing had been a gift from his fiancé.
"I know you didn't." Poe managed, but only barely. A high sob keened out of him, like a cheap dish being broken, and Ben sank to his knees. Poe followed only numbly, not daring to touch Ben as he closed his own hands around his shoulders.
"Why didn't you ever say anything? Poe, why did you wait until now?" Ben begged, and Poe saw that child again, the boy who did cry when Poe got too in-his-face, who cried harder when Poe was pushed away from him by some invisible force, but it was still the boy who carried Poe, the unconscious child who had scared the living hell out of him, all the way back to the medical tent, and waited until he woke up.
Ben was still Ben, he always had been.
Poe still loved him, as he always had.
From when he woke up so many years ago with watery brown eyes watching him and a cold pale hand holding his, to now, a child of hope in the body of a resistance leader, crumpled on the floor from the pressure of being a force and not a person, Poe loved him.
And now, he finally knew.
"Ben, please, I…"
Ben held his hands out, not raising his eyes, and Poe knelt. He took Ben's hands in his, and let Ben into his mind.
He opened himself to all of it -how else could he possibly make Ben know?- and he allowed Ben to walk through his memories, his thoughts, like he was standing to the side of every time Poe thought of him. Every glance, every touch, that Poe held onto, Ben could see, but if he could feel, Poe could not know.
The Ben before him gave a sob, shaking in his hands, and the one he let into his head faded away again.
Ben wept, more makeup now tracked onto his neck than on his face, and knotted hand into his hair.
"How didn't I see? How didn't I know? Poe," Ben gasped, looking up to him, holding his hands to his chest, "why didn't you ever tell me?"
Poe stood, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"I never thought I'd have to." He responded hollowly.
He looked back only after he heard the door close.
-/-
Hux gave a groan, and finally crushed his cigarette under his heel, having burned it as far as he possibly could.
He had wandered down into the lower levels of the building after the downright debacle that was the meeting upstairs, needing desperately to smoke somewhere the paparazzi couldn't see. This awful headache still wouldn't go away.
The door on the other side of the trash bin he was hiding behind slid open, and he stood hastily, pulling his uniform taught.
Kylo Amidala stumbled into the hallway, a breathy sob escaping him as the door shut again, turning about frantically.
"Amidala..? What's happened to you?!" Hux cried as Kylo turned to see who was there, panic rising as he saw his face, tear tracks staining his robe, lipstick smeared across his face in a streak of angry red, chest heaving wildly, like an animal that had spent its entire life caged and was suddenly set loose.