TW: blood, historic sexual violence

Please note that although this chapter contains no specific details of the assault, Astrid describes a thought she had during the attack. Please do not read this story if it may be triggering for you.

Unofficial soundtrack: I Believe by Christina Perri

Hiccup urged Stormfly forwards towards the Edge. All he could think about was Astrid, but Stormfly was moving slowly due to carrying Audun, Amelie and Cordelia. They flew in silence, Amelie gripping Hiccup's back. This wasn't exactly a great introduction to dragon riding.

"Down there!" Shouted Audun. He was pointing at a patch of scrubland on the island below them; and there were the riders. They landed and Toothless let out a snort of pleasure at seeing Hiccup. He gently nudged the arrow in Hiccup's arm.

"I'm okay, Bud. Is anyone injured?"

Fishlegs rushed over. "I think Heather's ankle is sprained, but the rest of us are fine. We landed to rest the dragons. They were drugged but they're okay now. Here," Fishlegs was pulling bandages from the medicine kit he carried. "Let's get your shirt off."

Astrid silently cut Hiccup's sleeve away with her knife. The wound wasn't deep, but blood was oozing around the arrow. Fishlegs sighed. "We need to pull it out." Fishlegs gripped the shaft of the arrow, gave a gentle tug and whimpered.

"Come on, Fishlegs." Said Hiccup.

Fishlegs stammered, and Audun sighed. He reached over and yanked the arrow out. Hiccup bit his tongue so hard he tasted blood but he didn't flinch. Fishlegs packed the wound and tied a bandage tightly around Hiccup's bicep. As soon as Fishlegs let go, Hiccup went to Astrid. Snotlout blocked his path. "You were going to kill my dragon." Hiccup had never heard Snotlout speak in such a dark tone, and it scared him.

"I had no choice."

"Why not?" Said Snotlout. "How was this any different from every other situation we've ever been in? You wouldn't kill the singetails, even if it meant losing the Edge or our lives."

"Because..." Hiccup glanced at Astrid. "Because I have other responsibilities now."

"Oh great!" Shouted Snotlout. "Hiccup's girlfriend gets herself knocked up and suddenly it's okay to start murdering each other's dragons!"

Astrid launched herself at Snotlout. "Knocked up? I'll show you knocked up!"

Hiccup tried to hold her back, but he felt a dangerous fury uncoil inside him. "Take that back, Snotlout."

Astrid scoffed. "The part about me getting myself pregnant, or the part about you killing dragons?"

"The part about you." Said Hiccup.

"Really?" Snotlout raised an eyebrow. "You're not even going to pretend that you weren't prepared to kill my dragon."

Hiccup sighed. "Look-"

"Save it, Hiccup." Said Astrid. "You put us all in danger to protect yourself."

"Well, what should I have done, exactly, Astrid?" He turned to the others, his voice rising. "Anyone else want to weigh in on what I should have done?"

Fishlegs sighed. "Look we're all exhausted and angry. Let's go back to the Edge and talk it through in the meditation garden."

"Nobody cares about your meditation garden, Fishface! He was going to kill my dragon."

"Yes, I was." Hiccup's voice broke. "Because I can't let Astrid go through this on her own. Because what happened changes everything."

Astrid was glowing with a deep anger that Hiccup hadn't seen before. "This changes nothing." Her words stung more than the arrow wound in his arm.

Hiccup climbed onto Toothless' back and the others mounted their dragons. Hiccup didn't look back to see who the prisoners were riding with. He flew at the head of the pack, crouched low to Toothless to hide his tears.

At the Edge the riders silently locked their dragons in their pens. Fishlegs awkwardly blocked the exit. "So... is there anything anybody wants to talk about?"

"Not with you." Said Snotlout.

Astrid grabbed Hiccup's injured arm and yanked him towards the door. "I need to speak to you. Move, Fishlegs."

Astrid led Hiccup to his hut, clutching his arm painfully all the way. He decided it was best not to ask her to let go. She slammed the door behind them and turned to face Hiccup. "You've changed." She spat the words.

"What do you expect me to do, Astrid?"

"To uphold your morals and not treat me like I'm breakable!"

"Astrid, I'm not treating you like you're breakable. I'm treating you like a pregnant woman who keeps flinging herself into battle. You're going to get yourself killed."

"You'd have killed a dragon if I hadn't done that."

"Yes. Because you're pregnant and whether you admit it or not, you need me."

"Oh, so this is my fault now?" Astrid's voice was rising. She stepped towards Hiccup. "Of course you think it's my fault."

Hiccup's words came out louder than he intended. "It's not my fault either, Astrid."

"Well that's funny." Said Astrid. She was quiet, menacing, and Hiccup wished she'd shout again. "You know what I told myself, over and over again? I told myself you would come. Two more seconds and you'd be there, you'd make it stop. And guess what? You didn't come. You didn't even notice."

Hiccup felt like his brain was being torn to shreds. "You could have told me, Astrid."

"I shouldn't have had to."

Hiccup barely heard himself over the blood rushing in his ears. "I'm sorry! Okay? I wish I could change it. But I can't. Every time I try to help... you keep pushing me away."

"I don't need your help. I survived the attack on my own. I survived two moon cycles on my own. I'll survive the rest of my life on my own." Astrid walked out the door, leaving Hiccup red faced and shaking. He collapsed to his knees and cried. He cried for Astrid, for everything she had been through, for the future they could have had. Anger tore through his body, made him want to rip at his skin. Why hadn't he been there? Why hadn't he noticed something was wrong? There was also savage, misplaced anger at Astrid. She should have told him. She should have trusted him. Hiccup wondered what was happening to him: he had almost killed a dragon.

Hiccup didn't know how long he'd been on the floor when the door opened and Toothless came in. Hiccup didn't even wonder how Toothless had gotten out of his pen. The dragon pulled his rider to the bed and Hiccup curled up. He stroked his hand along Toothless's warm, smooth scales. "Bud," Whispered Hiccup, "Why does..." He didn't finish his sentence. He didn't know what he wanted to say. They lay in silence until the sun began to set. Hiccup paced up and down the room, and came to stop by the chest on his shelf. Inside, buried underneath the dragon eye notes, was his betrothal gift for Astrid. He traced the runes on the necklace, an ancient prayer that the modern Vikings did not understand. He threw the gift across the room, collapsed on his back on the bed and punched his fists in the air. Yelling at the ceiling didn't really help, but Hiccup wasn't sure what else to do. Toothless let out a concerned grunt and Hiccup petted his head. "I'm okay, Bud." It was a lie, and even Toothless knew it.

Hiccup didn't sleep much that night. He made no attempt to stifle his sobs, and it was the early hours of the morning before he stopped crying. Hiccup had never believed that moping achieved anything. However, in this instance he had absolutely no idea what to do. He couldn't change the past, and Astrid was too angry to let him in. He knew, deep down, that it wasn't her fault. He couldn't blame her for reacting the way she had. He wasn't exactly dealing with things well himself.

Hiccup got out of bed and leant against his windowsill. The night air was brittle, and the sky stared back at him. Hiccup hadn't prayed since he was a child, but he wondered if the Gods had the answers. It couldn't hurt to try.

Toothless lit the candle that Hiccup placed by the window. Hiccup sat on the dusty floor and the wooden boards creaked beneath his weight. He considered his options. The first Gods to come to mind were Odin and Thor. Odin's wisdom and Thor's protection might be useful, but they didn't feel right. Hiccup didn't need the Gods to help him: he needed them to help Astrid. It was Astrid who was suffering and Astrid who needed comfort. Hiccup thought of her alone in her hut and swallowed.

Hiccup cleared his throat and whispered the ritual prayer to Freyja. He hadn't heard those words since before he made peace with the dragons but they came naturally. Once the poem was over, Hiccup tried to speak to the goddess but could think of nothing to say. He looked up through the window, the halo of the candle flame mirroring the almost-full moon. There was dust beneath his feet, and Hiccup closed his eyes. He breathed deeply, praying silently that Freyja would show Astrid divine love and kindness. He prayed that Astrid would feel his own love for her. He imagined a wave of emotion engulfing her and for a few moments he had hope for the first time that things would get better. The wind whistled and as Hiccup fell asleep on his bedroom floor he told himself that he was only shivering because of the cold breeze through the open window.

Hiccup awoke a few hours later at daybreak. He went to the bathroom and washed his face, but there was little he could do about the red eyes and exhaustion. He sighed and went down to the clubhouse. He was the first up so began to make breakfast for everyone. He was mixing the dried blueberries from the previous year's harvest with pounded grain when Heather walked in. She was limping slightly and looked concerned. "How're you doing?"

"I've been better."

Heather got the yak milk out of the cold cupboard. "Hiccup, how you're feeling is okay. It's normal."

"Nothing feels very normal about this, Heather." Hiccup passed her a bowl of cereal and she added honey. "I don't know how to help Astrid."

"You can't help her, Hiccup." Heather said. "She needs space. When she's ready, hold her whilst she cries. Then stand by her side as she saves herself." Hiccup nodded and sat down at the table as the other riders filed in. They ate in silence broken only by the clatter of spoons and Fishlegs cooing to Meatlug.

"I need to go and catch up with the Wanderers." Said Hiccup. "Any volunteers to come with me?"

"Seriously?" Said Snotlout. "Everything that's happened, and you want to go and see the Wanderers?"

"It has to be business as usual." Said Hiccup.

"Of course." Said Astrid dryly.

After Hiccup, Fishlegs and Audun left and the twins disappeared to rewrite the Thornton Book Of World Records, Heather caught Astrid's arm. "I need to gather more fruit from the orchard. I could use a hand." Astrid nodded.

The orchard was on the far side of the island and Astrid wondered whether Heather had chosen this location for a reason. Their fruit store wasn't running particularly low. The morning was warm and bright, and Astrid found comfort in the rhythm of picking apples. She hovered on Stormfly and dropped the fruit into a basket on the ground. Heather was nearby on Windshear and the two women chatted as they worked.

"What's Dagur up to these days?" Asked Astrid. "Got any crazy plans for the Berserkers?"

"You know my brother," Said Heather, "He's as destructive as ever. When I left he was torching the pine forest to make way for oak trees."

"That's productive."

"Yeah. Apparently the new Berserker seal is going to be a 'fierce and mighty' acorn."

Astrid chuckled. "Well, at least he's not trying to string up the Skrill like a puppet anymore."

"True!"

By mid morning they were both tired and decided to rest the dragons. Astrid sat down on a rock and took a drink from the water jar she carried in her bag. She passed the container to Heather.

"Your hair's coming loose." Said Heather. "When was the last time you braided it?"

"Not for a few days, it's not really been a priority."

"Would you like me to help you? You'll feel better with clean hair."

"Well, it can't make things worse." Astrid and Heather crossed to the stream that ran through the middle of the Orchard and Heather produced some soap. Astrid smiled to herself; Heather hadn't wanted to pick apples at all. Astrid leant over the stream and Heather washed her hair. Astrid gasped at the cold bite of the water, but Heather was right. It felt good.

"Alright," Heather sat back. "You're clean."

"Thanks, Heather." They walked back to the stone and Heather wordlessly began to braid Astrid's hair. Astrid picked up a rock to sharpen her axe. It was sharp already, but it gave her something to do with her hands.

"How're you feeling?" Asked Heather as she scraped back Astrid's fringe.

"I'm fine."

Heather laughed. "Astrid, I'm not Snotlout. If you don't want to talk that's fine, but I know you're not okay."

Astrid turned the stone over in her hand. "I'm not the warrior I thought I was. I'm not the warrior everyone expects me to be."

"You're going through a lot right now. You can't be strong all the time, Astrid. And anyway, strength isn't about suppressing emotions."

"Strength definitely isn't crying in your boyfriend's arms all night either, though."

Heather had finished French braiding Astrid's fringe and was combing her fingers through the back. "Needing support doesn't make you weak. If being with Hiccup helps, let him take care of you for now. There's plenty of time to find your feet."

Astrid struck the stone along the blade of the axe and watched as a spark flew up into the air. "Heather, the only time I feel remotely safe is when Hiccup's hugging me. I can't base my safety, my entire existence, around a man. I don't think I'll ever feel safe again and that scares me."

Heather thought for a moment. "I'm going to tell you something important, Astrid. The world isn't safe. It never has been, but you've felt safe in the past. You will learn to feel safe in our dangerous world again. It'll be the hardest thing you've ever done but you'll do it."

"That sounds like experience talking." Said Astrid quietly.

Heather's fingers paused, then continued to weave Astrid's hair into a plait. "When Dagur attacked the village of my adopted family, some of his men..."

"Oh, Heather," Whispered Astrid. They sat in silence for a moment. "Thank you for telling me."

"Nobody knows how you're feeling or what it's like for you, but I do understand a little."

Astrid turned to look at Heather. "Thank you. I'm here for you too."

"I know." Heather continued plaiting Astrid's hair. She seemed to be weaving an additional braid into the plait down Astrid's back.

"Heather?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course,"

Astrid took a deep breath. "Does it get better?"

Heather let Astrid's hair drop against her back and thought for a second. "It doesn't get better, no. But your life grows around the hurt and you learn how to live again. It took me years. Looking back, being alone didn't help. I don't think I actually started healing until I joined the Dragon Riders."

Astrid nodded, unsure how to word her next question. "Are you finding my situation difficult?"

Heather patted Astrid's hand. "A little. But in some ways looking at sexual violence from the outside is helpful. I can see that so much of my guilt is irrelevant, just like yours. It wasn't our fault."

"I'm glad." Said Astrid. She turned and hugged Heather. An unspoken acknowledgment of each other's need for healing passed between them and Astrid started to feel somewhat closer to being whole.

"Shall we take the apples back to the store?" Asked Heather.

"Yeah." Astrid hoisted the produce of their morning's work onto Stormfly's back. Manual labour felt good.