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Chapter 10 Rules of the Road
Artie felt a whole lot better that he had been able to rattle off the car rules and not once did HG complain or question him.
'A good start' he thought to himself as he raced down the road at a steady fifty miles per hour.
'At this rate, we'll arrive next Tuesday' Helena thought to herself.
She received a text from Pete about an hour into the trip. He was trying to increase his odds of winning the bet that he and Claudia settled on – B&B chores for a week.
"HG, forgot to tell you. Do not under any circumstances discuss politics, religion or sex while in the car. Pete" - it read.
"Should I discuss them when we're out of the car?" she texted back because she simply did not understand the parameters attached to the subjects.
"NO!" he responded in all caps and she remembered what Claudia told her about that.
Her phone beeped again and this time it was from Myka. "How are you doing?" it asked. "Well and you? I hope you are resting". "Yes, of course" Myka responded and HG smiled.
Artie liked that there was no pressure to talk to Helena. He listened to his music and relaxed, doing a steady speed and paid no attention to the cars that passed him continuously. It was the first test of HG's patience as she knew firsthand how fast the car could easily go. She took a deep breath and remembered that she had promised Myka to behave. Claudia confirmed that all was going well with the agents; Myka was indeed resting, Artie was calm and HG was a steady flow of tranquility.
When HG finally tired of the music in her ear and had enough of looking out the windows at flat farm lands, she decided to engage her driver in conversation.
"Do you know anything about Nebraska?" she asked curiously. Artie thought for a few seconds.
"Well, it was once called the "Great American Desert" due to the geography," he answered. "Oh, and Kool Aid was invented here. It's the state's official drink!" he added.
"What is that?" HG asked.
"It's a kids' drink. Very sweet. I doubt you would like it," he said. "The state insect is the honeybee," and HG marveled that Americans went to the bother of giving each state an insect. Helena seemed interested so Artie kept going. "It's a primarily Republican state," and HG recognized the term.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Artie. I am not to discuss any politics in the car," she said earnestly.
"Taking that a little seriously, aren't we Agent Wells?" he asked but she was sure she had it right.
"OK well, this is also where Father Flanagan founded Boys Town," he tried but she waved her hand at him.
"Sorry, Artie no religion either. In the car," she repeated as if she were reciting rules. "Oh, wait," she continued thinking back to Pete's advice. "I'm not to discuss them at lunch either. And you should know that sex is out of the question," she added referring to the third topic Pete had listed.
"What did you just say?" he asked and HG looked at him completely unaware.
"I cannot discuss sex with you," she said plainly.
"Agent Wells," he started but found it necessary to pull off to the shoulder of the road. The sudden twist of the car, the fastest action Artie had taken all morning, jerked HG in her seat. The car came to a short stop and Artie turned sharply in his seat.
"Agent Wells, what the hell are you saying?" he asked. "Do you have any idea how inappropriate it would be ….," he said with great exasperation.
"I don't know how inappropriate it would be, but I know I cannot discuss it," she confessed.
"Agent Wells, you and I will never discuss….there would be no reason for us to talk about …. Never….. that topic would not come up….," he stammered because his brain could simply not choose one thought to complete.
"Artie, I have no idea what you're trying to say. I just know I cannot discuss sex, politics or religion in the car with you. Or out of the car, either," she said dignified.
"What?" he asked slowly catching the phrase. "Who told you this?" he asked suspiciously.
"Pete," she said and sounded innocent enough for Artie to believe.
"If you're as brilliant as they say, you'd think you would know better than to use Agent Lattimer as your source for polite topics of conversation," Artie snapped back.
Helena was very confused. She took Pete at his word. She saw no reason not to -unless he was still angry about last night and was purposely telling her something to get her in trouble with Artie.
"So we should talk about politics, religion and sex?" she asked unable to get a grasp on this. She came from a time when polite conversation was limited to the weather. Surely things had improved but she couldn't figure out which side these topics fell upon. From the little she watched television, these topics were daily fodder.
Artie let out an audible moan and started the car again. HG made a mental note to 'Google' polite topics of conversation to get to the bottom of this.
Back at the B&B, Myka tried to keep busy reading but it was getting harder and harder. The house was too quiet with all her fellow agents and Leena out. She called Dr. Calder as she had asked her to and reported that she felt fine. She asked if she didn't think going back would be better since staying home was driving her crazy. She persisted and the doctor said she would let her go to the Warehouse tomorrow if she was still symptom free. She took some consolation in shortening her sentence. Hard as she tried, she could not stop wondering how HG was doing. It was now going on three hours. She called over to Claudia who confirmed that there was little activity coming from the bio bracelets.
Unlike his passenger who believed they were traveling at a snail's pace, Artie felt they were right on schedule. Four hours into the trip and they were close to the midpoint. The only conversation they had was when he asked HG several times if she needed to stop but each time she said no. He finally caved in and had to stop. She had no idea that in his mind this was a competition.
"Artie seems upset that I do not wish to stop" she texted Myka. Myka jumped when the beep went off and welcomed any communication from her captive friend. She smiled to think this was actually troubling Helena.
"That's just Artie," she texted back because HG would never get the explanation. Helena confirmed again that things were going well because she did not want Myka to worry. She had a taste of stretching her legs and the thought of returning to the car and driving so slowly got the better of her.
"Artie, I don't mind driving if you want. It might do you good to rest," HG suggested nonchalantly.
"No, it's fine Agent Wells. I don't mind," he answered.
"Are you sure? You have driven all this time. I should do my share," the Brit tried again.
"No, it's fine," Artie answered strained. HG didn't take defeat easily even on the smallest things.
"Did you just say 'be the better man' to yourself, Agent Wells?" Artie asked her after she had just mumbled it as a reminder.
"Pardon? Oh, no. I was just commenting on ….that van….," HG recovered pointing to a large van parked near them and saying the first thing she could.
"What about it?" Artie asked.
"What about what?" HG asked confused.
"The van? What about the van?" Artie asked getting testy.
"I don't know. What about it?" HG was helplessly lost in his line of questions.
"Get in the car, Agent Wells," he said flatly and Helena started to feel the push. She needed to talk to Myka.
"Artie, would you mind terribly if I went back in for tea? I saw a Starbucks in there," she said pointing to the rest stop where they just came from.
Artie did mind because this delayed them but it wasn't an unreasonable request so he agreed. "Can I get you anything?" she asked but he shook his head.
HG walked back into the building and called Myka. Myka was thrilled to see HG's number coming up on her phone.
"Helena?" she asked.
"Myka!' she answered and Myka's heart returned to the excited state at the connection.
"Are you OK?" she asked worried.
"Yes, darling, everything is fine. But I dare say he is testing my patience, dear."
"Is it the music?" Myka asked.
"No, it is the pace at which he is driving! We're doing a consistent 50 mph, Myka. It's awful," HG all but whined.
HG didn't know it but her animation was attracting attention. Two young men who had just purchased their coffees were now staring at the slender raven haired woman with great interest.
"I don't know if he wants to talk about sex or not. I am so confused," HG admitted and now her admirers' interest was really piqued.
"Helena, what are you saying?" Myka asked concerned.
"Pete told me not to discuss politics, religion or sex and so whenever Artie talked about any of these…," she started.
"Artie discussed sex with you," Myka said shooting straight up in her bed. There must be some mistake.
"No. He talked about politics and religion and I told him I could not talk about them and then I told him I couldn't discuss sex either because Pete was very emphatic about those three topics in particular," she said into the phone and turned to notice the two men who were eyeing her now.
Myka was trying to process the information and finally pieced together that Pete was making sure HG stayed away from the quintessential sensitive subjects. She almost laughed at HG's confusion except she was concerned she had irked Artie with her misinterpretations.
"Helena, it's OK. Pete was just trying to help you steer clear of sensitive subjects with Artie. He used a colloquial expression which highlights those three topics in particular to represent all sensitive subjects," Myka attempted to explain.
Helena was taking in what Myka was saying but her attention was diverted by the leering and comments of the two men who were taking a very long time readying their coffees. Helena stared back which was usually enough to cast away any unwanted attention but these two mistook it for interest. When one of the men started to walk towards her, Helena opened her jacket to expose her badge on her belt buckle. It didn't deter him.
"Are you an officer of the law?" he inquired. "Do you know how to use handcuffs?" he asked in an attempt to be suggestive. Helena disconnected the call from Myka. She would only worry if she heard this.
"My name is Agent Wells and I am a US Federal Agent," HG said identifying herself. "I suggest you take a step back, sir and go about your business," she stated.
"Come on, we're just being friendly," the second guy said and now he, too was closing in on HG. She was not concerned about these guys but for the public's safety.
She rested her hand on her gun as a warning. "Sirs, I suggest you take your coffee and yourselves outside now and go on with the rest of your day," she said her voice thick with warning.
"Geez, just trying to be nice to the little lady," one said and the expression caught HG's attention.
"Let it go, Helena," she told herself. The two men walked out one door and HG auto dialed Myka.
"Sorry, love, we were disconnected. OK, so do not discuss sensitive subjects with Artie, got it. How are you feeling?" HG continued her chat.
After she was assured that Myka was continuing to rest, she told her she would speak to her later. She looked around outside but the men were nowhere in sight. Artie would not have liked it if he had to interrupt his schedule so that HG could apprehend two men who were insulting her.
'This was their lucky day,' she thought. It was the exact same thing the two men were thinking as well.
HG returned to the car and buckled herself in.
"Where is your tea?" Artie asked. Helena had forgotten all about it.
"They ran out," she lied.
"Starbucks ran out of tea?" he asked incredulously. "Is that what you're telling me?"
"No English breakfast left," she tried.
"For this we are behind schedule?" Artie complained and HG bit her lip and drew the tiniest amount of blood.
"I'm going to bloody kill him before lunch" she thought and 250 miles away, Pete was feeling sure he was going to win this bet.