Monica sat down on John's couch and realized she hadn't been at his place since the night they'd slept together. And if she remembered rightly things had begun to heat up in the exact spot she was sitting. However, she wasn't here to let her mind get distracted by thoughts like that. She was here because Scully had been right. They couldn't protect or help anyone while they weren't even able to have a simple conversation with each other, so John had asked her back to his place and reluctantly she had agreed. If things went wrong her only option would be to walk out, and she really didn't want to do that.
John stood and watched Monica as she sat down and could see her eyes that she was thinking about that night. He was too, but he didn't quite know how he felt about it, he supposed that was what they'd find out now. They had to talk about what happened and figure out what they felt about it before they could go any further. It was ruining everything and he didn't like that he couldn't talk to her anymore, he wanted their friendship back if nothing else. He blamed himself for everything – if only they'd talked about it right away maybe she wouldn't have gotten ill, or maybe if he'd been to see her in the hospital they'd be getting on better now. It was all so complicated.
"Can I get you a drink or somethin'?"
"No, thanks," Monica leaned back into the couch and John sat in a chair opposite her. "I think for all our sakes we should just get on with this."
"Before we end up killin' each other you mean?"
"Something like that yeah."
"I gotta tell ya Monica, I'm not even sure where to start."
"How about at the beach?" he nodded his head at her slowly and they both took deep breaths. It was hard to go back when you didn't know what was in front of you.
"I needed to be with someone, I needed you to be here with me. It wasn't that I wanted just anyone, I wanted you to be here."
"And I wanted to be here with you."
"I just didn't expect … that to happen," he blushed a little and Monica hid a small smile.
"Neither did I."
"I panicked, afterwards I mean, I didn't know what I should do; I didn't even know what it meant."
"Did you know how you felt?"
"I don't think so," he looked at her and wondered if she'd know right away what that night meant to her, what her first thought had been when she woke up and found he wasn't there. He was hiding from it and had been for months. But had she been happy with what happened? He had almost convinced himself that all he wanted was their friendship back. "I know I don't like not havin' you as my friend."
"I'm pretty sure friends don't usually sleep with each other."
"It was a one off, a mistake."
"That's what you thought?"
"Jesus Monica, I can't tell you how many mornings I've woken up wishing I'd not let how upset I was about Luke affect my behavior with you like that. It was like I wasn't in control."
"Maybe you needed to lose control."
"Well that's like saying I needed to sleep with you," he looked at her and she just stared back. Now he really didn't understand. Did he want to sleep with her? Why had he in the first place? He hadn't been able to actually tell himself how he felt about any of this; he'd assumed the role of 'guilty man' – taking advantage of his friend.
"You didn't take advantage of me John, I was here of my own free will – I didn't, what I mean is, I didn't try to stop you. Maybe I should've, if I'd have known we'd have to go through all this I would've. But I didn't, I wanted to – I wanted to be with you."
"I just don't think I'm ready."
"For what?" Monica asked. John looked at her and stood up. He wandered to the window and looked out onto his front yard. "John, ready for what?"
"More loss, more failure, I had about as much of that as I can take," Monica stood up and walked over to him, she turned him to face her and held his hand.
"What would you have lost?" he paused at her question and looked away.
"You." He looked at her and she saw his eyes looked teary. "I'd rather have you as a friend than had to talk about that night and maybe never speak to you again. We've been friends for a long time; I didn't wanna be the one to change that."
"We both changed that," he sighed at her and turned away.
"I can't do it Monica; I can't try and be something with you that I'm not. I can't lose you."
"If you carry on like this, you will," he turned back to her and now her eyes were misted over. A single tear slipped down her cheek and he smoothed it away with his thumb. Monica moved her head to rest in his hand and placed her own hand over his. As he moved away she entwined their fingers and pulled him into a hug. He held her tightly and she cried into his shoulder. "Monica, what is it?"
"When I think of what we've put ourselves through, for what?"
"I can't be anything but a friend to you Monica, I'm sorry but that's just how I feel," he pulled back from her and she held him in place so he couldn't get away. She looked up at him and his big blue eyes swallowed her whole. Her heart skipped a beat and her stomach was doing back flips as her hands slid around his neck and she pulled his face closer to her. She kissed him softly on the lips and he put his hands on her arms to stop her. "Stop," she moved in to kiss him again and his face filled with the anger he'd had at Scully's apartment. "I said stop Monica," she looked at him and didn't move.
"Make me."