Chapter 10- The Morning After
I grudgingly awoke to the ping of my omni-tool, experiencing a blessed moment of peace before the events of the prior evening came crashing down upon me with the force of an Armature blast.
I had left Shepard, exhausted but at peace, asleep on her bunk. My own slumber had not come so easily, the burden of her revelations a new weight to be considered against the force of our companionship. It was a very intimate thing she had shared, and my worry was that our tentative friendship might not survive the telling.
Don't misunderstand me, I felt a kindred with Teandra that I was loathe to examine too closely, lest it tarnish under the light of harsh reality. She was a human, a Spectre, and my commander. All were dangerous for me to be too close to, officially friendly interactions between species or no.
Contemplating her childhood did nothing to ease my misgivings. She had endured techniques that would have turned a lesser woman into a mindless slave at that ben'bee's bidding. Some of the things she had described to me? They were trademarks of batarian slavers used to break new girls before they were shipped off to shit-hole brothels in the far reaches of the Terminus systems, usually Asari that were less than willing to use their seduction skills for their owner.
Finch, as she'd named him, had created a girl who was mentally, physically, and emotionally scarred. The same girl who was now tasked with saving all our lives, and the galaxy itself, from certain annihilation. The fire of his torment had meant to burn the life from her, but instead had tempered her to an edge, strong but not without flaws. Flaws that could be dangerous if steel met steel by the end of our mission.
As to trust… It was not something she gave away lightly; that had become obvious. Many of her inexplicable actions became clear as I saw them under the new circumstances: her apparent automatic acceptance of the Normandy crew, for example. It had seemed as if she had taken everyone on their word, admitting them into the fold without thought or hesitation. The truth of the matter? She didn't trust the humans or the aliens, and no one was nearly as close to her as they thought. But she also appeard to be fighting against her partially failed indoctrination, like she didn't want to allow it to force everyone away, either. The Episode, as I was beginning to think of it, had happened because I had gotten through her self-constructed barriers somehow. Perhaps our flirtatious banter made her consider me safe? Someone she could depend on?
Now that was a heady feeling. The idea that the slated savior of the galaxy trusted me, and no one else.
I groaned, rolling off my cot, and briefly considered civilian clothes before donning my armor. If I knew Shepard at all, gunfire and bloodshed would be her trademark way to escape after her evening. I could only hope I would need the armor to fight off her enemies, and not to deflect her bullet when she had to admit the part I had played in it.
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Shame permeated every ounce of my being, running through my veins thick as poison and twice as deadly.
How could I have done it?
I examined my reflection, glancing downward to take in the lines that would become more scars in a collection of many. Tears had left faintly dried lines of salt down my face, and I scrubbed them away in disgust. All the time keeping everyone at arms length, fighting to keep them away. I finally get comfortable enough the let someone in, for the first time in goddess knows how long, and I had royally fucked it up.
No excuses, no explanations.
I had known Garrus less than two weeks, and had told him one of my most intimate secrets; shared with him an event that would have been better left buried. I had NEVER shared it with anyone: not Anderson when he recruited me, not the countless counselors after Akuze (who soon grew used to the phrase "I don't want to talk about it"), NO ONE. Why in the hell I had decided that Garrus, of all people, needed to hear the story was something I couldn't even answer for myself.
He probably didn't appreciate the show of weakness, Teandra Shepard, I thought bitterly, Turians don't exactly strike me as the emotional breakdown type.
Well, it wasn't going to happen again, that was for damn sure. I wasn't a whiny little bitch.
You do not fucking cry, ESPECIALLY in the arms of random members of my crew!
I berated myself as I brushed my teeth; continued as I combed my fingers through my hair, recalling with a brief blush the talons the motion was imitating; even cursed myself all the way over to the galley, right up until the time I saw Garrus.
He was picking distastefully at the latest atrocity the synthesizer had vomited, face contorted in disgust. Then, he looked up at my approaching footstep, his mandibles twitching in the turian equivalent of a smile.
It's going to be okay, I thought, and I knew all was right with the galaxy.
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"Sleeping in, Shepard? No Cerberus ops to disrupt or abandoned freighters to explore?" I kept my tone light, encouraged by the unabashed smile that lit her face when our eyes met, an attempt at proving my respect for her hadn't changed. She didn't seem like the kind of woman who gave into her emotions easily, and I would have almost bet she was beating herself up over it even as we spoke.
"Nope… nothing on the agenda today… planning on relaxing and being bored." My incredulity must have shown, because she chuckled and said, "Okay, fine, I have no clue what those words mean." She went towards the cabinets, grabbing some sort of pastry looking thing and sitting across from me, picking at it fitfully.
I snorted and pushed the latest goop (green this time) away from me, trying and failing not to sigh. Glancing at her again, I noticed a contemplative look on her face.
"On second thought, maybe a trip to the Citadel is in order. I don't care if the council has to requisition the damn thing themselves, there's got to be a better option for you and Tali."
"It's fine, Shepard. No need for a special trip." Translation: Don't baby me Shepard.
She considered my tone, her eyes flicking to take in the set of my shoulder plates, then responded, "No, if my crew isn't happy, I'm not happy. A bullet in the back makes that difficult."
"I don't think Tali would actually shoot you, Commander. Though I did hear her threatening to commit suicide via levo-amino food…" My statement was interrupted by a hand set over mine, causing me to reflect idly on how small it was compared to my own. They didn't appear that way when lain over the trigger of her Harpoon.
"Garrus… well… thank you." It was obvious the words pained her, admittance of her own weakness that they were. Kaidan shot me a look from across the room where he was tinkering with an equipment panel, noticing her hand. But I wasn't about to hurt her feelings to assuage his suspicious mind. By the damn spirits, we were just friends. I didn't have to prove it.
"Anyone would have done the same," was my dismissive reply, playing the whole event off with that one statement.
"No, they wouldn't," she said, so softly I almost missed it, as she glanced away. Following her gaze, I looked at Kaidan.
Isn't he supposed to be the other half of their mated pair, and yet he holds himself back from her. He hadn't bothered to even worry about her the prior evening, in spite of her mood being crew scuttlebutt. The question was, Why? Did her affection mean so little to him? I could honestly say, after the experiences of the prior night, that the woman in front of me needed someone who could deal with the whole person she was, trauma and all. Kaidan was going to have to make more of an effort if he planned on keeping her.
Shepard retrieved her hand, wrapping a lighthearted disposition around herself as if it were a second set of armor. She hesitated, then steeled herself and asked almost jauntily, "Hey Vakarian, I'll understand if you say no, but I'd like to continue our sparring matches if you're up for it. I could use the practice against a larger opponent."
Expressions of my doubts of the idea began to tumble out, but she continued, "Unless you're afraid of the human taking you down again, of course."
I blinked, taken aback by the challenge. "Now, how can I say no when you put it that way? My ego would never speak to me again."
"That'll be the day, Garrus."
"Be careful, little Spectre," I almost purred, leaning forward, "You surprised me last time. I won't make the same mistake twice." Yes, there was definitely a very mischievous glint to her eyes now, possibly in response to the challenge in my voice. Or the address. Little Spectre? Really Garrus? She didn't seem to mind the informality, however, and the name did fit. "Besides, you do realize you cheated? You brought a weapon."
"I am always armed, Garrus." She laughed as stood, surreptitiously nodding towards Kaidan much as she had on Therum. Once she was sure he was watching, she stretched her arms over her head, focusing his attention on certain features he obviously admired. She moved towards the staircase, hips swaying in a motion that had him staring after her like an idiot. Looking over her shoulder long enough to catch my eye, she winked and went on, "Even when I'm not carrying a weapon."
I shook my head, silently laughing at poor Alenko, and thought, "Yep... she's back."