Chapter 10

Cragen-Stabler Residency, Manhattan, New York

Friday, November 27th 2015

9.01 am

In the living room of the Cragen-Stabler home, everyone sat in complete silence. It was deafening to everyone in the room because no one knew what to say to break it.

Everyone was dressed in black clothing, dresses and suits, ready for the day ahead that was going to be difficult for each and every one of them.

Tammy was Jeffries now Hollow was there with her husband and son Cole Junior. They may have not been close but they had flown out as soon as they'd heard about Anne's death and had been staying in the house with the family.

Other than them the only ones there were the Cragen-Stabler's. Don was sat beside Olivia, clutching tightly to her hand unable to consider letting her go. Elliot was sat with Liliana and Alexandra on either side and Alyah and Elysah on his lap. Nicole and Melissa was sat on the other side of Olivia holding tight to each other.

"The cars are here." Tammy said breaking the silence.

Slowly everyone began to move, knowing that this morning was going to be tough, knowing that before the day was out a lot of tears would be shed, a lot of heart would still be broken and a lot of people would still be grieving.

The planning of the funeral had been tough. Most of it being left to Olivia with the final decisions as Tammy said she wasn't sure who her mother really was after she married Don and Don too caught up in his grief to say much.

The funeral would take place in the same Church as they visited every Sunday and then she'd be laid to rest beside her Son and Grandson.

Blessed Hearts Church, Manhattan, New York

Friday, November 27th 2015

9.27 am

The cars came to a stop and one by one the family exited. Munch, Fin, Nick, Elliot, Cragen and George were carrying the coffin inside and Olivia stood beside Tammy with Eli and Ali in a double buggy while they watched the coffin being lifted.

Slowly they made their way into the Church the song Wind Beneath my Wings echoed. Olivia blinked back her tears and she felt Tammy's hand squeeze her shoulder gently as they walked.

They all took their seats and waited as pictures were placed around the coffin and the flowers were brought in. 'Mom' 'Granny' 'Wife' were the three largest but there were a few small bouquets too.

Olivia looked at one of the pictures and let out a small sob. It was a professionally taken one of her and her Mom from the Mommy and Me photo shoot she'd bought as a gift to Olivia on the day the adoption was finalized, the day of her birthday or re-birthday as Don and Anne had joked.

"It's ok." She heard Elliot say in her ear as he clutched her hand tightly.

The song came to an end and the vicar stood in front of everyone.

"We've come together to day to say our goodbye's to Anne Cragen. Loving Wife of Donald Cragen, Loving Mother of Cole Jeffries, Tammy Hollow and Olivia Cragen-Stabler, and Grandmother of Michael, Melissa, Nicole, Alexandra, Liliana, Alyah, Elysah, Cole Junior and one yet to be born." He began.

Olivia felt the tears sting her eyes. 'One yet to be born'. A grandson she'd never get the chance to meet.

Before Olivia even realised they were up on their feet to sing Amazing Grace and as soon as it was over it was the family's turn to speak.

Olivia and Don went up hand in hand. She straightened out her maternity dress and rested one hand on her bump while the other clung to Don's hand.

"This week has been a nightmare for our family." Don began. "We lost a part of the glue that kept us all bonded together." He explained further hiccupping back sobs as he did. "Olivia and I tried to write a speech numerous times this week but we couldn't put into words what Anne meant to either of us. She was a fantastic wife, I loved her with every ounce of my being, she was a fantastic mother, she gave me Olivia in a way I never thought I could have her..." He looked at her and she gave him a reassuring and grateful smile. "... Her grandkids were the most important thing in her life and life at the Cragen-Stabler house is never going to be the same without her." He sobbed and turned into Olivia who held around him before realising she had to say something.

"Mom... oh mom." She whispered closing her eyes as tears flowed freely down her cheeks. "I couldn't have asked for anyone better to adopt me." Olivia whispered loud enough for everyone to hear through the speakers. "I loved Mom so much, she brought light into my world when it was at its darkest, when he eldest son Cole died, I was engaged to him and I thought my whole world was coming to an end, but she made sure it didn't. When I was pregnant with her first grandchild she moved heaven and earth to make sure everything was going to be ok, she married Dad, they adopted me, she made life perfect for our family and ..." Olivia hiccupped as a strangled sob escaped her throat. "And Dad's right..." She cried. "Life isn't going to be the same again because my Mom's gone. The person who made life easier for everyone, dad's right in calling her the glue because she got us through all the bad times, he strength, her love, her determination. She was a magnificent woman and those who have been lucky enough to have met her will be happy to agree that she was an absolute shining star." Olivia explained. "I love you Mom and I miss you."

Once she was done she and Don held onto each other for a while before going back to their seats trying to compose themselves.

"Please watch this photo array created by the family." The vicar said as the projector went on.

As the photos played the song "A song for Mama" by boys to men which had been the one Olivia chose with Tammy.

By the end of the song there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Olivia was wrapped up in Cragen's arms with Tammy holding around her on the other side. She was a wreck, there was no denying that and the rest of the funeral for her past in a blur and before she knew what was going on they were stood above the grave watching the coffin being lowered into the hole beside where her son and grandson were buried.

Olivia held onto Cragen the whole time, while Elliot looked after his eldest children Alex and Casey took care of Ali and Eli who'd fallen asleep in their pushchair halfway through the funeral.

After the service was finished everyone left the graveside to go to the hotel where the wake would be conducted. Everyone but Olivia and Don who said they'd catch everyone up.

They were now sat on the ground beside the open grave. Olivia had her head on her father's shoulder and he had on arm around her and the other on her bump.

"I can't believe she's gone." Olivia sniffed.

"Neither can I." Cragen asked. "I can't stop thinking about our wedding day and how happy I was."

"I can't stop thinking about the day you gave me the finalized adoption papers." Olivia replied.

"We have plenty of memories to keep us going Princess." He told her. "She was a magnificent woman."

"It's my fault she's dead." Olivia whispered which made Don jump and look at her in confusion. "I made her stressed with watching the kids and she had a heart attack and it's all my fault." She sobbed.

"No Princess, no it isn't. She wouldn't have let you send the kids to day care and you got a Nanny when you became Captain even though I was home more often." Don told her as he cupped her sopping wet cheeks in his hands. "Don't you dare blame yourself for any of this. It was an accident Princess, it was nature taking its course."

"But..."

"No buts Princess, it was just her time to go." He explained firmly before wrapping her up in an embrace and sobbing with her.

Macy's Hotel, Manhattan, New York

Friday, November 27th 2015

12.03 pm

Olivia and Don finally joined the guests at the hotel. She made swift work of checking on her children and husband before mingling with the guests and disappearing.

"Where has she gone now?" Elliot asked as he searched for her.

"No idea but Elliot she's not doing good." Done told his son in law as they stood by the bar.

"What do you mean Don?" He asked frowning.

"She thinks Anne's death is her fault." He explained.

"No, she can't ..."

"She does." Don interrupted.

"What's going on?" George asked as he joined the two men.

"Liv thinks her Mom's death is her fault." Elliot explained.

"She told you that?" He asked and as Elliot shook his head Don pointed at himself. "What exactly did she say Don?" Huang asked gently turning into the shrink instantaneously.

"Said that it was her fault because she had her Mom watch the kids causing her stress and leading to heart attack." Don hiccupped as he held back a sob.

"Where is she now?" He asked as he scanned the room.

"No idea." Elliot shrugged. "I was just looking for her."

"Mind if I go?" Huang asked knowing he needed to talk to Olivia Elliot shook his head knowing that George could probably make her see sense better than he could.

"Ok, I'll be right back." Huang replied before disappearing into the crowd.

He found Olivia outside in the back. She was shivering with cold as she sat without a coat on.

"Here." Huang smiled passing her the fleece blanket he'd found by the door.

"Thanks." She replied softly as she pulled the blanket around her frozen shoulders and wiped away the tear tracks on her cheeks.

"You know that this isn't your fault right?" George asked and Olivia shook her head, her face scrunching up as more tears spilled down her cheeks.

"It is." She whispered.

"No Liv it isn't, believe me that the stress didn't cause the heart attack." George explained.

"You can't know that." She spat.

"How can you?" He replied and realisation hit Olivia briefly.

"Not the point, if ..."

"Don't Olivia, guilt is the second stage of grief so I'm not going to try and stop you from feeling guilty but I am going to stop you from blaming yourself." He told her firmly.

"I can't talk to them about this." She whispered.

"Who Elliot? Your Dad?" He asked.

"Any of them." She explained as she suppressed more sobs.

"Then talk to me Olivia." He told her.

"I don't need a shrink though." She replied softly.

"No but I'm a friend too." Huang smiled gently.

"You don't know how to take the shrink cap off though George." Olivia explained.

"No that's true, but I won't shrink every move you make, just the advice I give is based on years experience as a psychiatrist. Talk to me like you would Alex and Casey Liv, and I will just listen if that's what you want." He reassured her.

"I'm scared." She told him.

"What are you scared of Olivia?" He asked as silent tears dribbled down her cheeks.

"Of something happening to Dad." She replied softly. "I couldn't bare it..."

"Liv?" He questioned seeing more to her distress.

"Will you talk to him George?" She asked softly as she took his hand but didn't look at him.

"Of course I will but why Liv?" He asked the concern etched into his voice.

"I think he's drinking again." She whispered.

Dun Dun

SteffieDawn