Author's Note: If anyone has a lj account you should def check out the fanfiction community the_gazebo. the girls over there are pretty much amazing, trust me. the links in my profile.
If blood is thicker than water then,
You'll drown quicker that we intended.
If blood is thicker than water then,
You'll know where you can find us in the end, so we can begin again.
On Letting Go – Circa Survive
Chapter 9: On Letting Go
Once the front door closed behind them Bella whirled around to face Edward.
"What happened last night?" she demanded tapping her foot nervously on the ground.
"Nothing, I swear. We just talked and kinda figured all our shit out. You honestly don't remember anything?" Edward was starting to feel anxious his stomach lurching making him feel slightly nauseous.
"No, I don't at all. You need to tell me. What did we talk about?"
She didn't remember. He poured out his heart and soul to Bella, and she didn't remember…
*
Edward lifted up the Heineken bottle, bringing it to his mouth and taking a long swig. He picked at the coaster in front of him spinning it on its side and watching it as it slowly stopped. After sulking around the house all week, Jasper was sick of Edward's moping and forced him to come out with him and Emmett to the Draught Horse. Edward went straight to the open bar and didn't move for the next hour, losing himself in his thoughts and the never ending supply of beer. He was jolted out of his own little world by a hand being placed on his arm. He barely registered the girl in front of him before brushing her off and briskly walking away, beer in hand. He walked out front and shakily pulled out a cigarette putting it in between his lips as he flicked on his lighter inhaling deeply and holding it in, letting the nicotine burn through his lungs.
It had been almost a week since he had heard from Bella. He knew instantly when he read her last text, "It's been too long since I've heard from you & I lay sleepless knowing that my heart still belongs to you." that they were Cinematic Sunrise lyrics and his heart swelled as he sent back, "Please don't go, just stay. I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away. Miss your voice, & your touch,& if I told you I loved you could that be enough?"
Even though they were song lyrics, he really truly meant what he said. When she didn't reply back he freaked out. After being assured by Jasper that the text message wasn't anything to lose sleep over, Edward let it go. Well, almost. He opened up that lone text several times in the following days smiling at the memory of that concert, bringing back good times that they had together.
"God, we were happy," he sighed thinking to himself. Shit, he was doing it again. "Shut up!" he accidentally said out loud, ignoring the snickers and stares of the other smokers around him. "Great, now I'm talking to myself. I'm going crazy."
Edward almost didn't believe it when he found out from Alice that Bella had begun seeing Jacob again. Way back when Bella swore to him up and down that she would never take his ass back. It wasn't until he saw her sneak out of Jacob's house one morning, hair disheveled, red faced as usual that he finally believed her. He had to grip the corner of his window sill to prevent from running outside and demanding to know what Bella was thinking going back to him. Jacob had hurt her, used her and threw her away whenever he pleased, not appreciating what he had until it was gone. Edward knew he was being a horrible hypocrite… but it hurt nonetheless. If he didn't have sleeping problems beforehand he definitely did now. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the same image of Jacob slamming Bella against a wall and roughly taking her, touching her and doing things that only Edward should be able to do to her…
"Edward?" The images stopped flashing in his head when he looked over seeing Jaspers confused face in the doorway. "What are you doing outside? What happened to you being my wingman tonight?"
"You wouldn't need a wingman if you just grew some balls and called Alice like everyone knows you want too," said Edward bitterly. He knew once the words came out of his mouth it was the wrong thing to say. A look of surprise flashed over Jasper's face before it quickly was replaced with anger.
"You know what, fuck you. I'm done putting up with your mood swings. You talk about growing some balls? Look in the goddamn mirror Edward. We all know what you're doing and Ela is just…"
Edward rolled his eyes, not even bothering to listen to what Jasper had to say. He was fed up and officially over his so called best friends, Jasper taking Emmett's fucked up side more and more as they gave him shit about everything he did. They cursed him for being with Bella, disrupting the dynamic of the group while at the same time condemned him to hell for breaking up with her, only after seeing the effects it had on them with the limited visits from their love interests.
"You know what, whatever, if you want to be an asshole so be it. Emmett and I are leaving in five, the girls are at Kappa Sig and we're meeting up with them."
Edward's heart lurched in his chest and he quickly looked over at Jasper.
"That's what I thought," Jasper said with a smug look on his face. "I'm going in to get Emmett and then we're going to walk over there. Fix the attitude, Bella never liked Dickward."
*
Edward felt like a nervous little girl as they walked closer to the frat house, wringing his hands and wiping the clamminess of them on his jeans. He needed to talk to Bella, tonight. He wasn't going to put it off any longer. Edward pushed through the crowded dance floor, eyes scanning the room in vain for Bella, not finding her in the basement by the bar either. He stepped out back wiping the thin layer of sweat off his forehead and letting the cold envelop him. Frat parties were ridiculous overcrowded affairs and he avoided them like the plague.
"Edward?"
It was probably the first time in his life that he was ecstatic to see Rosalie. He pulled her into a hug ignoring the snickers of the random sorority girls she was surrounded by.
"Care for a hit?" she said waving the poorly rolled joint in her hand.
"No thanks, I'm actually looking for Bella. Where is she? I need to talk to her."
"Of course you'd want to talk to her now," said Rosalie rolling her eyes and laughing for the benefit of anyone within earshot. "Get over it you had your chance."
She took a long puff on the joint, gripping Edwards shirt tightly in her hand and pulling him close to her, blowing the smoke into his face.
"Move on Edward. Oh wait you already did, didn't you?" she said with an evil twinkle in her eye.
Fed up Edward plucked the joint out of her hand, and dropped it on the ground, grinding it into the concrete with the heel of his shoe.
"Go to hell Rose." He ignored her high pitched scream of anger as he walked back into the house and made his way towards the front door. There was no way he was going to be able to find Bella in this mess. He was stopped several feet from his destination behind a group of people waiting to leave.
"You can't leave yet, there are cops outside."
"Fucking frat parties," Edward mumbled a little too loudly under his breath. He stood impatiently with the rest of the people waiting to leave, checking his phone and texting Jasper.
"Edward!"
He turned around quickly at the sound of Jaspers voice, locating him at the top of the stairs, gasping at what he saw. He pushed people aside and took the stairs two at a time until he reached them.
"Shit Jasper what happened!?" he growled grabbing the opposite arm of an obviously intoxicated Bella, her head flopping to the side by the sudden movement and smacking against the wall.
"Ouch," she slurred rubbing her head with her hand and closing one eye as she looked up at Edward.
"Oh hey stranger, I thought that was you."
"I'm surprised you can even see straight as drunk as you are. What were you force feeding her Jasper, Everclear?"
Bella laughed at the scowl on Jasper's face pulling her left arm away from him and leaning toward Edward.
By the time they got her downstairs people were finally being let out. Edward grabbed her waist and lifted her up to carry her down the rest of the stairs.
"I can walk Edward, put me down."
Edward silently obeyed her wishes and set her back down on the ground, keeping his arm around her waist to steady her. He felt the sharp curve of her ribs, frowning at how thin she had gotten.
"I'm fine guys really. I'm just gonna get food, go home and pass out. I'm exhausted."
"No," said Edward sternly looking to Jasper for help, "You're coming with us. You can stay the night at our place; you're in no shape to be walking around by yourself."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," she said glancing up at Edward through her lashes swaying slightly.
"It's fine Bells. You can sleep in my bed if you'd be more comfortable there," said Jasper touching her arm.
Edward glared at Jasper, pulling Bella closer to him. He had the urge to kiss the top of her head but resisted.
"Ok," she said nervously looking between the guys. Edward was about to say that if she didn't want to spend the night that he'd walk her home but changed his mind when she wrapped her arm around him.
He couldn't help chuckling, "This is the Bella I remember from last year. Drunk and stumbling around frat houses."
"Shut up!" Bella laughed, "That's not true. I hung out with you guys more than I hung out at frats."
"Sure, whatever you say frat rat," Jasper and Edward both said at the same time.
"Come on; let's pick you up something to eat. You can use some water too, lots of water."
*
Thirty minutes later the three of them were sitting in Edward's room eating their Crown Fried Chicken talking about random drunken escapades and listening to music, Edward on his bed and Bella across the room sitting by his desk with Jasper.
"Why in the world do you have this pussy song on your computer Edward!" called out Jasper turning up the music, "Only girls listen to Leona Lewis."
Edward and Bella awkwardly avoided looking at each other as the song blared through the speakers,
"I don't care what they say; I'm in love with you.
They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth.
My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing;
You but me open & I keep bleeding; keep, keep bleeding love."
"This song makes me think of you," Bella mumbled looking up and making eye contact with Edward before shoving a chicken nugget in her mouth.
Edward opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Jasper's phone going off. Jasper's body stiffened as he looked up quickly shielding his phone from Bella.
"Umm, I need to take this. Your ok, right Bella?"
She nodded and Jasper grabbed what was left of his food before quickly leaving the room. Before the door closed behind him Edward swore he heard him say into the phone, "Hi baby."
"Did he just…"
"Yeah," laughed Bella, "I think him and Alice are secretly dating now. I don't know why they'd hide it though, it's obvious to everyone. Oh, well they probably don't want another epic break to destroy our little circle of friends."
Edward looked down embarrassed, not knowing what to say.
"Shit sorry, that was the stupidest thing… Fuck my brain filter must be off or something."
"It's ok, it's true," said Edward sadly looking up at her.
Bella's lip trembled slightly, "How come you never called or texted me this week?"
"I don't know," said Edward honestly, nervously running his hand through his hair.
"I can't do this anymore," she whispered.
Edward stood up quickly and crouched down in front of her, putting his hand on her knee. "I know, I'm sorry." Bella looked up at him and opened her mouth to say something but Edward silenced her.
"I'm sorry Bella, for a lot of things. I'm sorry for everything that happened and how things turned out between us. I'm sorry that I took me so long to apologize. I'm sorry that I lied to you, that I hurt you. I'm sorry that no matter what I say you won't believe me, and have ever right not to. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you, just know that whatever you felt, I felt magnified by a hundred. And most of all, I'm sorry for taking away the time we should have had together. "
Bella stared back at him, her eyes filling with tears as her body slowly started to shake.
"What am I supposed to say to that Edward?" she choked out, "You're too late. You're three months too late."
"Please, just say you forgive me," he begged pulled her into a hug trying to convey all his feelings and emotions into their embrace.
"I just can't," she said as she pulled away from him, wiping at her eyes. "I can't just forgive you after everything that happened. You're too late Edward. Where were you when I was hurting, when I needed you? God Edward, you BROKE me, and I think I'm too far gone for even you to save me this time."
"Let me fix you," he said sadly, moving his hand to touch her face but deciding against it.
"Edward," she said softly running her hand through his hair. They sat there in silence for a while just looking at each other until Bella spoke again, "You know over the summer when I was with you was the first time in God knows how long I was actually happy. I was in love with my best friend and he loved me back. Why wasn't that good enough? Why did we care so much about what our friends had to say about our relationship? Why didn't we stand up for ourselves and tell them to mind their own damn business… At some point in time you used to love me, right Edward?"
"Love," said Edward quietly looking up at her with tears in his eyes. "I love you Bella, I still do, and it's not in the past tense."
Bella's lip quivered as she let that soak into her brain. Edward stood up quickly and started pacing the room, his hands clamming up once again. He held it in for so long letting his feelings for her destroy him from the inside out. He needed to tell her, even if she didn't feel the same way anymore he needed to get the weight lifted off his shoulders.
"Bella," he said softly sitting down next to her. "You are the epitome of the perfect person for me. You make me feel all the stupid shit that only exists in movies. When I look at you my stomach flip flops and I get butterflies. You're one of the only people who has ever truly understood me. I will never forgive myself for what I've done to you. I don't know if you feel the same way or not but I know I will always be in love with you, I will always be drawn to you. I hate that we aren't good friends anymore. I honestly didn't think that everything would be so fucked up. It makes it hurt even worse when I can see you back with Jacob after everything he put you through. I know how much he hurt you and for you to forgive him and not me can only mean that I hurt you more than I can possibly imagine. I live my life in a haze, the only time my vision clearing when you're near me. I don't care if you don't feel the same way about me anymore, I can accept that. It's my fault; all of this is my fault." He paused to catch his breath, avoiding looking at Bella.
"I cried my fucking eyes out when I read that message you sent me. It killed me that you think everything we had was a mistake. I don't want you to think that I don't care anymore, because I do. I wanted more than anything to be able to run to you and hold you and make everything all better again. Not because I want to "save you", because I love you. God Bella, I've never cared this much about a woman other than my own mother and it scares the shit out of me. You ask me why I never sent you a text, even something stupid like another song lyric or a simple hi. It's because what I wanted to say to you can't be conveyed in a text message or a phone call. I was scared; scared shitless of my emotions and how I couldn't, no, how I can't live without you. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't be me without you. You're everything to me Bella."
Edward stopped his rant breathing hard and rubbing his forehead. He was glad they were alone at that moment because he wasn't able to check his tears as they flowed freely down his face. She threw her arms around his neck and he held her tightly, both of them crying into each other's arms, Edward feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders. He wiped at the wetness around his eyes and looked at Bella. She looked so heartbroken and breathtakingly beautiful at the same time he just wanted to kiss her. He wiped at his eyes embarrassed that he cried in front of her and pulled back scanning her face. Even smeared with make-up, her eyes puffy from crying she was still the most beautiful person he'd ever seen.
"I'm sorry for not trusting you, for not fighting for us. I still love you Edward, always have always will. So what does this all mean, are we going to try this? Are we gonna start over?"
"Yes," he sighed as Bella brought her hand up to cup his cheek, looking into his eyes and into his soul. "You wanna know what I wanted to text you?"
Bella nodded wordlessly, talking his hand and holding it in between hers.
"I was assigned a reading in one of my classes. One of the writers we discussed, Khalil Gibran, wrote several philosophical essays on different aspects of life like joy and sorry, good and evil, friendship, beauty…and love." He looked into her eyes as he said the last part taking a deep breath praying he'd be able to get this out. "His words moved me, inspired me. They spoke to me and I can't explain it. I had this huge epiphany that I was going about life all wrong, that I needed to change certain things about me, and I want to change, change for the better. God I sound like such a tool," he mumbled. He was about to stand up when he felt Bella grab his arm.
"No you don't," she said, her voice cracking, her eyes pleading him to continue.
Edward sighed before reciting part of the text from memory,
"Forget not that I shall come back to you. It was but yesterday we met in a dream.
You have sung to me in my aloneness, and I of your longings have built a tower in the sky.
But now our sleep has fled and our dream is over, and it is no longer dawn."
Edward looked over at Bella, her head bowed, tears streaming silently down her face.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you," Edward said quickly, not knowing what to do.
When she finally looked up at him, the intensity and love in her eyes took his breath away. "That was lovely Edward."
Edward looked down at his hand feeling suddenly exposed and embarrassed after showing her this part of him he never let anyone see before.
"I wanna hear more."
He hesitated before standing up and walking over to his bookcase, pulling the small worn book off the shelf. He sat down on his bed and motioned for Bella to join him, sighing as she sat down and leaned up against him, resting her head on his shoulder. She grabbed the book and started flipping through the pages.
"The Prophet?"
Edwards face colored as he saw her scanning the notes he left in the margins, looking at the certain quotes he highlighted and marked.
"When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence"
She looked up at him, her eyes shining, "This is beautiful Edward, I can't even…I'm speechless."
Edward smiled down at her, kissing her lightly on the forehead. He just knew that Bella would understand, that she would get how much the silly little words meant to him. When he tried telling Jasper about it, he just laughed joking that Edward was reaching a new low actually enjoying the pointless class they shared together.
"Here, let me read to you." Edward reached for the book and flipped through it. He moved further back on the bed, resting against the wall, encouraging Bella to scoot back over to him where she retook the position on his shoulder.
"Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."
Edward stopped reading looking down at Bella. He was so caught up in reading that he didn't even notice that she had fallen asleep.
"Bella," he whispered lightly nudging her awake. She groaned softly, wrapping her arms around his neck and mumbling something into his shoulder.
"What?"
"You still love me…right?"
"Yes, I still love you."
"So what does this mean?"
"I don't know, it's up to you. I'm tired of hiding it from you, I love you, and if you want to be with me then we'll be together. If you don't, it won't change how I feel about you but I still want to be here for you. I'd rather be Edward, your best friend, than the awkward mess we are now.
"Good, I always get what I want."
"What do you want?"
"You."
**
"No I really don't. The last thing I remember is drinking with Jasper at Kappa Sig and that's it. I'm sorry Edward. I guess I need to start those AA meetings I always bugged you about going too."
Edward didn't laugh at her joke, leaning up against the wall and covering his face with his hands. They were back to square one all over again, and he didn't know if he had the energy, or the courage to go through it all over again. Drunk words, sober thoughts didn't always translate the same.
"You don't remember?" Edward looked at her despair all over his face.
She shook her head, giving him a sad smile and shrugging her shoulder.
Edward sighed, "I don't even know where to begin. We're ok. I said I was tired of us being awkward around each other and we both said that we still…" Edward stopped, uncertain of what he was going to tell her. The fear started to grip him again. "What if she didn't mean it? What if she was just drunk and doesn't really still love me?"
"Edward…" Bella interrupted his thoughts, waiting for him to tell her the rest of their conversation, knowing that it was important to their relationship even though she had no recollection of it at all.
"Well we both agreed to be friends again," he lied, hoping his face didn't give anything away, "To trust each other and be honest with each other, leave the past in the past. To let go of all the negative feelings we have toward each other and genuinely try to salvage our friendship."
Edward held his breath waiting for Bella's reaction. She looked a little unsure but eventually smiled the confusion gone, and hugged him.
"Of course we'd have an important conversation like that when I'm wasted. Thank god for once you remembered something."
Edward couldn't help feeling all the emotions coming crashing down on him again. He was glad they we're going to try for real to be friends again, but it made him desperately unhappy that she was fine with leaving it at that. He didn't know why he couldn't just say everything all over again. She had to still care for him, she just had too.
"Thank fucking God, did you guys finally kiss and make up?"
Edward glared at Emmett looking down at them over the railing by the stairs, giving him the finger behind Bella's back.
"You have the best timing in the world Emmett," deadpanned Edward.
Edward's phone started buzzing in his pocket and he reached down to pull it out, ignoring the call. He really didn't feel like talking to her right now, especially after the night he had with Bella.
"Screening phone calls now?" Bella joked as the phone went off again.
"Umm yeah," he said awkwardly scratching at his head and looking away from her.
"What who is it? You can tell me I don't care."
Edward stiffened shielding it from view. "Sorry I need to take this, I'll be right back."
Edward walked halfway down the hall but was still within ear shot when he heard Emmett answer Bella's question for him, his heart stopping.
"Oh, that's just his girlfriend."
Author's Note: Don't hurt me =/ Feel free to give me any ideas. I've taken reviews into consideration in adding stuff to previous chapters. But no i will not kill off Jacob, I like him in my story.