(A/N) Well, m'dears, here's that backstory I promised ye. Hope you enjoy!
The Colder the Winter, the Warmer the Spring
Chapter 10: It Isn't the Love of a Hero
Alex ordered a bottle of Corellian brandy to be brought to their room before launching into his story, which Zeb didn't seem to begrudge him in the slightest. With his worry over the Lasat these last few weeks, he'd half been able to forget about his fears over what he still had to tell him. But now, with it staring him so suddenly in the face, he was afraid his courage might fail him again. So, once a droid had brought the bottle and two glasses up and they were settled on the bed, each with a glass, Alex took a few swallows of the liquor and began.
"Well...I suppose the best place to start would be with my parents."
"Heh, goin' back a bit far, are we," Zeb said, lifting a teasing eyebrow.
Alex returned the look with a side eyebrow of his own. "Oh, it's relevant, I promise you. I just...it's not as if I've ever shared any of this with anyone."
"Right. Go on."
Alex sighed, staring into his drink for a long moment before continuing. "This was the worst kept secret at Royal Imperial, but...my mother was an escort."
"Huh?" Zeb interrupted, and when he looked up at the much larger man, it was to see his round eyes narrowed in confusion.
"An escort? You've never heard the term?"
"No."
"A prostitute?"
"Oh. Okay," he said, nodding slowly, except there was still confusion in his gaze. "Is that a bad thing?"
Alex faltered for a moment at that one, not really having expected such a reaction. "Well...there's no way to make it sound like an achievement. Prostitution is typically viewed as- less than savory. It wasn't like that on Lasan?"
Zeb shrugged. "It's a job, like any other."
Alex gave a small chuckle before taking another sip of brandy. "More free-thinking than Coruscant, I suppose. But then, what world isn't more free-thinking than Coruscant? The point being, however, that my mother was not a highly viewed member of society. Although as an escort, she had more choice over her clientele. Hers was an organization that did a great deal of business within the Galactic Senate. That was how she and my father came to...transact...as it were. I don't- know the particulars of my own conception...but I do know that my mother elected to keep me...when it would've been just as easy for someone in her position to shuffle an unexpected child off to an orphanage," he said before draining his glass and reaching for the bottle. He would be lying if he said it wasn't a little harder to think of his mother now – now that he understood what she'd been through...what she'd sacrificed...
"'S' not such a bad start," Zeb prompted him when he didn't immediately continue. "So what happened?"
"I could not- understand this until many years later; I was only four at the time, but my mother wanted a better life for me. Better than simply taking up her trade, or winding up in Coruscant's lower levels. So she made a deal with my father, the senator of Salear, Orin Syfarre. He'd had no interest in me up until then, but my mother somehow managed to strike a bargain. Syfarre would provide for my future, would see that I had a proper education and decent connections. All she had to do in return was give me up."
Alex felt Zeb stiffen beside him, a low growl sounding in his throat. Knowing how important family was to the Lasat, he had figured he wouldn't much like this part of the story, but he had to get through it, just the same. So he kept on, nursing his drink all the while.
"No contact. I would be surrendered as a ward of the state and enter the academy system when I was of age. At the time, of course, it was still the Republic, but a ward of state is a ward of state."
Zeb grunted before draining half a glass in one go. "Typically wouldn't think much of a parent who dumped their kid, but- I guess I can see where she was comin' from. Wanted to give you your best chance. So...you haven't seen her since you were four?"
"Oh, no. I've seen her," he reassured his lover, smiling faintly as he took a somewhat longer sip. Distantly, he wondered if he could sway Zeb into letting him actually down one of those Dathomiri sunrises. "She was a smart woman, my mother. Not one jot of my own intelligence comes from Syfarre. That was all her. She would find ways to communicate with me without detection. Little things...small messages and gifts...our own secret code. I never saw her, as such...but I knew she was there. She made damn sure her son knew he was loved, even if we couldn't be together."
"Heh, I'm startin' to like this woman," Zeb said with a warm chuckle.
Alex sighed as he leaned against the Lasat. "Indeed, you would have. Certainly if your predilection for my own sense of humor is any indication. But...as much as she tried to be there for me within the confines of her bargain...Syfarre was also a defining force in those early years. It was never easy, growing up among the children of the elite as the son of an escort, and that man went out of his way to make certain I knew what I was...that I understood my place in the proper order of things. If Syfarre'd had his own way, I'm quite sure he would've seen to it I rose no higher than the rank of midshipman before falling quietly into obscurity. Unfortunately for him, I was the son of Amara Kallus. It was under my own merits that I gained notice, during the days of the Republic academy system and again when Royal Imperial Academy was founded under the auspices of Palpatine's declarations."
Zeb growled again at the mention of the Emperor, draining his glass, refilling it, and actually draining the second glass all in one go. Alex shook his head as he briefly pulled away from the former guardsman, looking to him with a pleading expression. "I know how it came out. Of course I do, but you need to understand...what the galaxy looked like to me in those days. I wasn't all that much older than Ezra at the onset of the Clone Wars. I was just beginning to understand how hopelessly corrupt the supposed "right" side of the war was. I was realizing how badly the man who had fathered me had abused his power in his dealings with my mother...in keeping her silent. I didn't learn until later- just how badly he treated her. The whole system was diseased and vile and depraved. I was honestly ecstatic when Palpatine declared it would be dismantled. I didn't care then what it might be replaced with. I just wanted to see the system that had allowed a man like Syfarre to operate at all burn to ashes," he snarled quietly, gripping his glass in impossibly tight fists. Really, it was a wonder the glass didn't shatter.
There were so many ugly memories of the senator of Salear, so many moments he'd wished for nothing more than to be able to put a blaster bolt through his head and hadn't been able to. He'd been such an angry young man – angry with no way of releasing that anger, blind to what the hatred between himself and his father was turning him into. Alex didn't realize just how fiercely he was shaking with rage until he felt Zeb's arms around him once again, holding him securely against his chest.
The Lasat didn't say anything at first. He just held him close, making a gentle purring noise while he ran a hand up and down his back. The comforting sound reverberated throughout the agent's body, soothing him in ways he hadn't known it was possible for him to be soothed. Just as Zeb spoke, he gave a relieved sigh, half-collapsing into his strong hold.
"It's okay. You're okay. It's over now," he whispered to him, pressing a chaste kiss to his temple as he cradled him in his arms, and for that brief moment, Alex allowed himself to cling to his lover, taking the comfort he offered. "Would'a liked to kill that bastard for you myself if I could have."
Alex gave a small, pained laugh at that one. "You, myself, and countless others. But my mother beat us to it. I'm quite certain she had a hand in his demise."
Zeb offered up a laugh of his own at this. "Hah! Now I really like her."
Alex smiled faintly, shaking his head as he leaned ever more intently into Zeb. "I see now- that Syfarre never would've received his just reward under the system the Empire became. He could've operated quite comfortably within its bounds, but I didn't see that when I was younger...or perhaps I didn't wish to see it. I had struggled for so long in his shadow that- maybe I simply had no choice but to believe in the cause I'd given myself to. Either way, my mother took the justice that was owed her, and I became a rising star of the nascent ISB. It was a high point of my early work with the bureau – routing out corrupt and disloyal individuals. It was, in fact, what took me to Onderon all those years ago...pursuit of a corrupt business magnate who had ties to Gerrera's partisans," he explained, swallowing heavily before finishing with, "I believe you know the rest."
Zeb nodded, tracing a hand through his hair as he sighed. "Wish I knew who that merc was. I'd like to know who it is what thinks they can so casually dishonor a bo-rifle."
"I admit I became quite fixated myself. Because they...my first unit...we were not unlike you and the other Spectres," he admitted, feeling a painful lump forming in his throat with the confession. He shuddered as each long-dead face drifted through his mind in a macabre slideshow.
Alain Trance. Gad Tenar. Klaidissa Anasch. Reeve Orha. Alita Kuron.
His unit. His squad. His guys. His...
"I'm sorry," he heard Zeb's voice through the sudden silent roaring in his ears. "I never told you that...before...on Bahryn. I get that. I'm sorry for what you lost."
"I was their leader," he hissed, acknowledging Zeb's words simply by nuzzling his face into the fur on his neck, but now that he'd started, he couldn't seem to stop. "I was responsible for them. They were my unit...and I failed them. Klaidi wasn't even a year into her first deployment! A kriffing year!" he cried out, voice going high before it suddenly became stopped in his throat. He bit down hard on his lip, to the point of drawing blood. If he kept going down this course, he knew he might never stop. So, cleaving tightly to the Lasat for several moments, he just held fast to the reality of him, the steady presence that held him up and supported him as no other living being ever had. Zeb didn't speak. There was nothing to say. He had been a leader. He knew what it was to lose men in battle. So he just soothed, purred, held Alex until he was ready to continue.
"I...I wanted that monster to answer for their deaths. I hunted for him, but I was never able to find him. What I wound up with instead was an extensive knowledge of the Lasat. It was a unique knowledge base within the Imperial military, a distinct edge. It was...why I was assigned to the colonel who led the ground forces on Lasan," he admitted, looking up at Zeb with regret and apology and self-hatred in his eyes. For a moment, he tried to pull away from Zeb.
He had no right at all to even dare to ask for comfort from his love during this part of the telling.
But Zeb, the beautiful, stubborn fool that he was, refused to relinquish his hold. He kept Alex pressed firmly against his chest. Whether or not he deserved this kind of understanding, perhaps something in both of them knew that if he had to face this confession alone, something inside of him would simply shake apart. So, setting aside the long empty glasses on the bedside table, Zeb crooned easily to him as he laid them both down on the bed.
"La san torril."
I'm here.
"It wasn't long after Onderon," he began again, as he'd tried to back on Alluvium. "Half a standard year, at best. Several Wookiees had escaped the action on Kashyyyk, fleeing to Lasan. I didn't know anything about the subjugation at the time. I was told only that these Wookiees had been attempting to rebel against the order the Empire was attempting to create. We were told to extract them by any means necessary, to serve as an example." This was ridiculous. He didn't need to tell the Captain of the kriffing High Honor Guard why Lasan had been attacked. He'd been there. He knew. Perhaps it was just for his own stupid sake. To be able to get the whole story out...
Zeb didn't point this out, though. He simply helped him continue with, "But Lasan wasn't about to turn over sworn allies just because the Empire said so. The Wookiees were our brothers. Even if it meant our own destruction, we were gonna fight for the ones who remained free."
"I didn't understand that sort of devotion in those days," he said softly, running several fingers through Zeb's fur. "Every time I'd seen an inkling of it, it was either destroyed or twisted. I was so sure that with the proper application of power, Lasan would see reason...would fall in line with what the Empire was trying to accomplish. But I see now...what a fool I was...and what the Empire was truly trying to accomplish," he whispered, his grip on Zeb tightening briefly.
"There's nothin' wrong- with wantin' to believe you're fightin' for a good cause," Zeb said. "What else could you let yourself think?"
"Something...anything," he returned in the same eerie, soft voice. "Maybe even stopping to ask one question might have resulted in a different outcome?"
"Hey, no," Zeb reminded him forcefully, drawing his face back to his to look him directly in the eye. "We've had this conversation. You weren't the only one there that day."
Alex laughed humorlessly, drawing a hand up to his face before continuing. "You're right, of course, but it certainly doesn't help that it was largely my task to help break your front lines. I commanded a company of stormtroopers that day and we'd been making little headway. That was the reason- the ion disruptors were even considered. Weapons Development had granted Colonel Masaada a small shipment of them. I didn't know at the time that they hadn't been properly field tested, and a hot battlefield is no place to be testing experimental technology, but that- that's no excuse," he scolded himself, fingers fumbling clumsily past Zeb, thinking maybe to reach for the brandy again.
But Zeb caught that hand before he could reach much further, drawing it back between them as he shook his head. "You've had enough of that, mate. Don't go there. Just talk to me."
"About what? The innocent people I murdered?" he snarled into the Lasat's hold, struggling to master his breathing. This wasn't even guilt over Zeb's people. It was guilt over murder – murder of civilians, guilt he'd carried with him a long time before he'd even known Zeb. It was a guilt he'd only been able to keep at bay because he'd kept trying to tell himself he was fighting for a better galaxy.
With how closely entwined they were, he could feel the tremor that passed through the former guardsman's body. Was this it? The moment Zeb decided he couldn't take anymore? That some things were just unforgivable?
What he received instead was a single simple plea.
"Tell me."
"W-what?" he asked in shock, blinking up at the Lasat.
"You've never told this to anyone...not really. You've been carryin' it around with you all this time. I can see it...and I know you're a believer. It's not your fault that belief was turned in the wrong direction. Your not knowin' also wasn't really your fault. This is eatin' you alive...so let it out. Let it go. If you don't get it out, it's gonna kill you. Trust me. I know. So tell me," Zeb urged him, a look that was some mix of heartbreak, understanding, and worry swirling in his luminous eyes.
For a long moment, all he could manage to do was stare at the Lasat, looking at him with more love and sympathy than he could earn in twenty lifetimes.
"How can you?" he finally hissed, eyes falling to Zeb's chest. "How can you know what I've done, look right at me, and tell me it'll be all right? How could you ever-"
Zeb silenced him with a chaste kiss to his forehead, the absolution in the gesture completely unmaking every last word in his throat.
"I've been there, Alex. I know what it's like to carry all those ugly feelings around, and if I've learned anything from my family these last couple years, it's that nothing is past hope. Nothing's beyond savin'. So you say what you gotta say, and you'll start findin' out just how true that is," he said softly as he pulled Alex in closer, arms wrapped around him as he ran a hand up and down his back.
Feeling the clenching of his heart that told him just how close to tears he was, Alex took a minute to just breathe. He wasn't sure he'd be able to stop them if the tears did come, but maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. So, cradled in Zeb's arms and with his head resting easily against his chest, he finally continued.
"We were told not to use those disruptors unless we had no other choice. I hadn't truly intended to, even though they were given to my company. We were such a small force. There was no way we should've been able to take Lasan. I- thinking about it now...I have to wonder if, maybe, that was the point – that Lasan should be their field test. Perhaps the Empire sent such a small force to enforce its will because we were meant to have no other choice...no other choice but to use those weapons," he said, feeling his throat tighten as his fingers dug a little more harshly into Zeb's fur. The Lasat didn't speak up at all, so Alex was left to confess to his greatest sin.
"I blew away a street- that day," he said in a stilted voice. "I and a small squad had been cut off from the main force. My men were either dead or injured. I'd been searching for a way back when I fell into combat with a guardsman. I'd lost my own blaster and I had nothing but the disruptor. So I used what I had. I'd meant to only kill my opponent, but...the disruptor's destructive output was so great, it- it destroyed an entire city street," he confessed, feeling the hot tears begin to spill down his face. "I don't- know how many I killed in that moment...so many people...so much confusion...and they were all just gone...nothing more than ash. I remember- s-seeing a child c-caught in the blast...a little girl. I s-saw the fear in her eyes. I saw her burn. She was someone's- p-precious Lia...and I killed her. That child...I can still hear her screaming."
He was sobbing openly now, the tears pouring freely down his face, soaking Zeb's chest as he cried. He didn't think he'd ever cried so hard in his life, not even when Ash Warrior had been revealed to him. It seemed he was weeping now for all the times in his life he hadn't dared to. And throughout it all, Zeb said nothing. He just held him tightly, letting him cry, letting him purge himself of everything, all while stroking his back and dropping little kisses on the top of his head.
Alex wasn't certain how long he lay silent after he'd cried all his tears, but it was a strangely comforting silence. One in which he and Zeb just lay together, learning this new, quiet intimacy that connected them. When the former Imperial finally spoke again, it was in a much easier tone.
"I didn't use the disruptor after that first time. I couldn't. Perhaps...if I'd rescinded permission for my troops to use them...it might've-"
"Don't do that to yourself," Zeb scolded him in a heavy voice. "Don't go down that road. It didn't take much more than one volley anyway. It was nearly over...with just one sweep of those things," he recounted with a pained shudder.
"I know you are right, but the 'what-ifs' will never not be at the back of my mind," he returned softly, nuzzling his face into the Lasat's neck.
"And that's how it should be. But...maybe it won't tear at you quite as bad as it did?" he suggested in a hopeful voice.
"Perhaps not. Someone did see something in me that day that he deemed worthwhile, after all," Alex recounted with a distant smile. Even though that particular encounter had ended with his opponent's death, it had still been a worthy end, unlike everything else that had occurred that day. "Even if it was mostly over by that point...he still fought well...allowed me to fight well, too...before everything just stopped."
"The bombs," Zeb said, his own voice weighed down by memory.
"Yes. Nearly took out a chunk of our own forces for our trouble, it was so poorly coordinated. Even the colonel was blinded in that last explosion."
"What? That one wasn't your bad tactics?" Zeb tried to joke.
"No. That was handled by another of Masaada's regiments. And...of course...this brings us back to how this all ties in to Project Ash Warrior," he said as he slowly sat up, pulling himself out of Zeb's hold. Zeb wasn't far behind, sitting up beside him. "I knew then- that we had the task of collecting a ten percent genetic sampling of the population. At the time, I assumed it was only for research purposes...the sort of data the scientists all loved to pour over...and I assumed it was only blood work."
"But it wasn't, was it," Zeb said just as slowly.
Alex shook his head, gaze falling to his hands, lying useless in his lap. "Children. Children were taken from Lasan that day. Some adults, but mostly children. You know, of course, that the Empire uses Wookiees as slave labor."
"Yeah," Zeb said with an irate grumble.
"Mostly it's because of their physical prowess, but it's also because Wookiees lack the necessary vocal processes to speak Basic. A lack of understanding can always be blamed for any situation that might arise. Wookiees can be easily silenced because most people cannot or will not understand them. That isn't the case with the Lasat. They would not have been so easily silenced. They needed to be either brought to hand or..."
"Destroyed," Zeb finished when he couldn't bring himself to. "And no Lasat would bow to the Emperor, so they destroyed us."
"That's just it. They didn't. Not everyone," Alex found himself struggling to explain.
Zeb glanced at him out of the corner of his eye for a long moment before asking, "What do you mean?"
"I mean that Imperial scientists had studied the Lasat. It appears- the Emperor did not want to lose the potential of the Lasat people to serve as...commandos or body guards or some such. That is why children were taken that day," he said all in a rush, words near bleeding together in his haste to get them out. He was afraid that if he didn't say all of it now, he never would again, and something more in him would die – give over to the horror of what he had done to these people, to these children.
"You...you mean they're..."
"That's what the secret facility on Manaan is being used for," he admitted, pulling even further away from Zeb. "The kidnapped children were taken there sixteen years ago. With the handful of adults they imprisoned, they've been using them to train and- and breed their own generation of Lasat warriors," he told him, feeling like speaking these words aloud might actually cause him to throw up.
He heard the sound of Zeb's claws unsheathing, heard and felt it as they tore through the bedding they sat on. The Lasat wasn't looking at him, not really, but the look on his face still pierced the former Imperial to the heart. It was a look of shock, of angered horror, and it left Alex feeling as if he'd shot his lover himself.
How could I have ever been a part of this?
"Savè tulchuurri," he snarled unthinkingly in his own language, a phrase Alex wasn't yet familiar with. His massive shoulders trembled with rage as he spoke. "They destroy our home...and they think they can just do whatever they want with us?! Orra!" he snapped as he got to his feet, beginning to pace the room like an animal in a cage. "Alex, we can't let this go on. We have to do something."
At first, all the agent could manage to do was blink up at him in mild shock. "We?"
"Yes. You're with us, aren't you?"
"I- of course. I just..." he trailed off as he looked down at the torn bit of bedding. He couldn't deny that part of him had feared that Zeb wouldn't be able to do anything but lump him in with the rest of the Empire, and he certainly wouldn't have blamed him if he had. But Zeb easily understood the look of painful guilt in his eyes when he looked at him. Almost immediately, he began to calm.
"You thought I'd blame you for this."
At first, he couldn't speak. All he managed to do was nod, fingers briefly fisting in the rumpled blanket.
"Alex..."
"You wouldn't have been wrong to," he insisted around the strange tangle of relief and sorrow in his throat. "I would've understood. I cannot-"
Whatever he would've said was suddenly interrupted by Zeb flinging his arms around him, gathering him easily in his embrace and cradling him securely against his chest.
"Get the kriff over yourself, Kallus," he murmured in his ear with a pained, teasing laugh. "I don't think of you with them anymore. That's done with. You're doin' right. Like I said before, nothin' you say is gonna turn me from you. I l-"
Alex silenced the Lasat with a kiss, holding him there for several moments before releasing him.
"Thank you," he whispered against the Lasat's lips. "I acknowledge that- that you forgive me what I've done...but that does not erase my crimes. Nothing can do that. All I can do is try to do better. So we are absolutely going to bring this project down. I just...I don't know that we'll be able to save everyone."
"You never can," Zeb told him. "Sometimes...all you can do is save just one person, and that's gonna have to be enough...until the day when you can save more. We're gonna do what we can...what we have to."
"Right. You're right. Of course you are," Alex returned, briefly nuzzling up against the Lasat's neck. "Must let go of that Imperial thinking. Maybe all things really are possible in the Rebellion."
"Just might be," Zeb said, his latest laugh a little bit warmer. "Though...there is a nice bit of irony in the name the Empire chose for its top secret project that was meant to enslave the Lasat people."
"How so?"
"I know what ash is in Basic. I know what it means to a human. It's all that's left when somethin's burned down...it's ruin. But it means somethin' different in Lasana."
"Does it? I don't know that one yet. What does it mean?"
"In Lasana, the word ash means 'light'. I don't think there's any way the Empire knows that."
The delayed laugh Alex gave in response to that was stilted, but still with an underlying warmth and joy.
"So a soldier of ash and ruin becomes a warrior of light and freedom?" he pondered as he wiped a few stray tears from his eyes. "Yes. I would say that sounds about right."
XxX
Having served as a captain in the Grand Army of the Republic, Rex was not unused to unexpected things happening. As such, he would've said his curiosity was only mildly peaked when he noticed Wedge Antilles storming away from Chopper Base's impromptu launch field in a huff.
"Exercises not going well?" he asked as the young pilot moved past him.
"Oh, the exercise was going fine," Wedge snapped at him. "It was when our new Mandalorian friend freaked out on me that things started going south."
"Freaked out?"
The young man was starting to mutter something about crazy Mandalorian girls when he was interrupted by a sharp reprimand from a certain Twi'lek pilot. Both of them looked up to see Hera striding toward them from the direction of the field.
"Wedge, I told you to take a walk. So keep walking. All the way back."
Wedge seemed fit to argue, but clearly thought better of it when the older pilot raised a pointed eyebrow at him, her instructions clearly not up for debate. Finally, the young defector offered up a stiff salute.
"Yes, Ma'am," he said before turning and heading back into the base.
"What happened?" Rex asked her once the boy was out of earshot.
"Zelina's experience with fighters is limited, so I wanted to know what sort of skills she has. Even if she's mostly going to be medical ward, it's important for her to have certain skill sets. Wedge, Saplar, Hobbie, and I were running a few flight drills with her and she got in a lucky shot on Wedge. He wasn't expecting it, so he slipped into some sort of Academy TIE tactic."
"And that freaked the kid out?" he asked, glancing off toward the field.
"Well, apart from looking completely ridiculous in an X-wing, which certainly would've been enough to freak me out, I guess Zelina recognized the move from somewhere. That was when she panicked. Lost it and started firing on him. She could've done actual damage if Saplar hadn't talked her down. A cockpit's a really bad place for a breakdown. You want to talk to our new Mandalorian while I handle the wannabe ace?"
Rex thought about it a moment before nodding. Typically, this would be more Kanan's arena, but with him, Sabine, and Ezra off on Krownest, it looked like it was falling to him. "Sure. Where'd she get to?"
Hera offered him a relieved smile. "Thank you. Looked to me like she was heading for the zone three checkpoint."
"Right," he said before heading off. It wasn't as if the girl could go far from there; not unless she wanted to run into an angry nest of krykna. And indeed, he found Zelina pacing anxiously along the sensor boundary, as if she were actually debating taking the risk.
"Look, I'm sorry! Okay?" she called over her shoulder when she heard him approaching. "I don't know what happened. Maybe you should just send me back to Kafrene. I'll do less damage there. Or at least do damage to the people who actually deserve it."
"No way, kid. We're not in the habit of turnin' out folks with no place else to go. I wouldn't exactly consider Kafrene a place to go back to."
The moment Zelina heard his voice, she whipped around with a look of hopeful shock on her face. But almost immediately, she seemed to remember that he was not Trek and her features crumpled in misery. Turning back to face the wasteland, she dropped to a sitting pose on the hard ground, drawing her knees up to her chest.
"I'm sorry," she whispered in a high voice when he came to sit beside her. "You just- you sound so much like him-"
"No, I sound exactly like him," he reminded her. "We were both cloned from the same man. I don't imagine it's gonna get any easier for you to grieve for him with me around, so I'm sorry for that."
"That's not your fault," she said with a shake of her head. "It's just...he was my family, you know? It would've been so easy for him to just ditch me somewhere- after my parents were killed. But he didn't. He let me stay with him...even though it was dangerous...even though we were always on the run. I wouldn't have traded my time with him for anything in the galaxy."
"You'll have to tell me the story sometime," he invited. "I've got plenty of my own war stories about Trek. Hells, but I could tell you a thing or two about his days as a shiny," he reminisced with a sad smile. Not just Trek. All of them. All of his brothers...so many...
"Maybe...someday I'll be able to hear them," she returned, slowly looking over at him. "I'd like to hear about him when he was younger."
"So," he continued on without much preamble, not really sure of any tactful way to approach the subject, "you maybe wanna tell me about what happened with Wedge?"
Zelina winced before looking out to the wasteland once more. "I...that move Antilles used...I've seen it before."
"Have you?" the clone pressed, though he tried to keep his voice at a more conversational level.
She nodded. "I saw it- used by a TIE pilot...on the night my parents died."
"Oh," he started in with a slow nod. "I see. I see."
"I- logically, I know it's impossible for Antilles to be that pilot. His early training's not his fault," she struggled to explain as she swiped a few loose hairs out of her face. "That and- Trek killed the soldier who killed them. They've been avenged. I just- I saw that roll and- and the way he pulled out of it for that undersweep and I just...it was like I was right back there...and I was going to have to watch my parents die all over again. I lost it," she hissed, burying her face in her knees, pulling in on herself tightly enough to avoid expressing the emotions that were so clearly tormenting her.
"I understand," he said gently, reaching out to rest a hand on her shoulder, gripping firmly to reassure her of his presence.
"I couldn't- do anything," she whimpered in misery, her shoulders trembling as she drew in a ragged breath. "I couldn't do anything to save my parents...or to save Trek. I just...I reacted," she said as she looked up. There were no tears on her face, but her eyes were red with the effort of not releasing them. "I couldn't just do nothing."
"It's okay," Rex soothed her, rubbing a thumb into the rough fabric of the flight suit she was still wearing. "I get it. I've had to watch people I care about die often enough. If anybody gets that, it's this band of roughnecks. I can't imagine Wedge'll hold it against you. Just take some time to talk to him. Heh, he might even show you some of the tricks he's learned since getting clear of the Empire. The point is, Zelina, we're not gonna ditch you. This isn't the Empire and it isn't the crime syndicates. We look out for our own, and you're one of us now."
When the young Mandalorian looked back at him, her eyes were bright with unshed tears. Only three of them managed to escape before she was flinging her arms around him.
Rex tensed briefly in the girl's desperate embrace. Even now, he wasn't used to all the random displays of physical affection. The regimented strictness of his earliest military training was still difficult to shake. But he didn't shake Zelina off. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, giving her the comfort she needed. He noted the silent tears she let fall as they soaked his undershirt, but he didn't comment on them. He just let her be, let it all be. He couldn't say how long it was before they finally separated and he helped her back to her feet.
"Come on, kid. Let's get you back in your own gear, yeah?" he said, offering her his hand for the walk back.
"Right," she said with a tiny smile. "I'd like that."
XxX
Even though Alex was confident they'd allowed enough time for his tail to get offworld, the pair still didn't risk leaving Moon Dust together. Zeb left first, with a solid twenty minutes between his departure and Alex's. The agent followed carefully, making absolutely certain he wasn't being followed before venturing even one step in the direction of the Phantom II.
Chopper was taking care of some sort of diagnostic on the shuttle's hull when he approached their docking bay. The droid gave several medium-toned beeps before rocking side to side on his treads.
"Well, would you rather I had been impatient and accidentally brought unwanted guests with me?" he fired back at the little astromech.
Chopper gave an exaggerated swing of his left manipulator before issuing what, for a droid, could only be described as a suggestive whistle.
Alex immediately felt his cheeks burn at the droid's less than veiled insinuation. "Not really, if you must know. Perhaps there's more important work to be done just now."
The droid spun his dome very slowly to emphasize the protracted stream of warbling that composed his next statement.
The former Imperial whipped his head properly in the astromech's direction in shock, some part of his mind very much aware that Hera allowed that sort of programming. "And that is officially more information about Kanan Jarrus than I wanted or needed."
"Better get inside then," Zeb said when he stuck his head out of the shuttle. "He won't stop."
Chopper gave one last pleased whistle before Alex made his way inside the small craft. He was greeted by the sight of Arkalia climbing all over the headrest of one of the pilot's seats.
"O- oh, my," he started with a small laugh. When the baby Lasat heard his voice, she looked up. Immediately, a look of pure joy lit her small face and she began squealing excitedly. "Hello to you, too."
Almost before he knew it, the kit had launched herself into the air, nearly giving him a heart attack in the process. He didn't even have to think about jumping forward to catch her. He was just in motion, arms stretching out to catch her small body before she could hit the floor of the shuttle. Before his heart even had a chance to start beating again, he found himself with an armful of squirming, giggling kit.
"Crazy loth kitten," he scolded her as he cradled her tightly against his chest. "You scared me."
"I told you, didn't I? Climbin' maniac," Zeb said with an amused grin as he leaned casually against the shuttle wall.
"How a Lasat parent stands it, I have no idea," he returned, kissing the top of the kit's head with a loud smacking sound and drawing even more laughter from her.
"Well, grown Lasat are also climbin' maniacs, so it mostly evens out," he said with a smiled shrug.
Alex turned fully toward him with a raised eyebrow. "You know, somehow I don't see you climbing these chairs."
The Lasat's smile shifted into more of a predatory smirk. "Oh, I'll show you just how well I climb. Just you wait."
"Behave, Captain," he scolded, shivering mildly at the look. "There are impressionable ears present." He knew they probably both regretted not being able to do...more during their encounter, but what they had done had very much been necessary and Alex knew he felt better for it.
"Heh, right. I probably got somethin' you'll both enjoy hearin' though," Zeb said as he pulled something from his utility belt – what looked to be a small recording device. "Ketsu finally got back to us with a Basic translation of that lullaby."
"Oh?" Alex started in curiosity as he moved back toward the former guardsman. "Let's hear it then."
Zeb nodded once before activating the little device. Immediately, Ketsu Onyo's voice was sounding from it.
"Okay, Sabine, I'm gonna preface this by saying that I really can't sing. So you're just going to have to judge my work based on the actual words and not on the way they sound, because no, I did not just record a dying moof."
The singing that issued from the device was hesitant at first, perhaps a little out of tune and rough, but nowhere near as bad as its owner had claimed it would be. The song she sang was still gentle, still a sweet love song to life and to joy.
Under the snow
Beneath the frozen streams
There is life
You have to know
When nature sleeps she dreams
There is life
And the colder the winter
The warmer the spring
The deeper the sorrow
The more our hearts sing
Even when you can't see it
Inside everything
There is life
After the rain
The sun will reappear
There is life
After the pain
The joy will still be here
There is life
For it's out of the darkness
That we learn to see
And out of the silence that
Songs come to be
And all that we dream of
Awaits patiently
There is life
There is life
Alex sighed as the song came to an end. He couldn't help but notice that Arkalia had become a little less hyperactive while listening to it.
"That was beautiful," he said in a quiet voice as he combed his fingers through Arkalia's purple hair. It had gotten long enough to be tied behind her head. "How was the translation, do you think?"
"She did good. It came out real nice."
"Then I'll have to learn them both. She seems to enjoy this song particularly."
"Yeah. Maybe you should record it for her?" Zeb suggested, smiling as he tickled the kit under the chin. "It'd be nice if she had you singin' to her."
"I...I think I'd like that," he said, his voice still quiet as he watched her reach out with one foot to grab at Zeb's wrist.
"Ah la la! Maab!" she trilled in excitement when she finally got ahold of the much larger Lasat, her tiny toes curling awkwardly around his wrist. Alex nearly found himself gasping at the precious sight. Really, was there nothing these two couldn't make perfectly adorable?
"Heh, I wish I could get a capture of the pair of you right now. Any image would do, really."
"What do you mean?" Zeb asked, disentangling himself from Arkalia's grip and looking up at him.
"I...well...I was forced to wipe Sabine's files from the datapad I'd stored them on. Konstantine might've seen them otherwise. Don't worry. He didn't see anything," he reassured the Lasat. "I made sure of that."
"And you're...still safe where you are?" Zeb pressed him, reaching forward to stroke at a strand of loose blond hair. "They're not onto you?"
"Don't worry," he said with a small grin. "They won't catch me."
"Much as I wanna call you on bein' cocky, I am definitely holdin' you to that one," Zeb told him before heading up to the cockpit, beginning to rummage through one of the compartments.
"Well...it's not as if you'll be able to say you told me so if they do catch me," he said with a small shrug, and almost immediately Zeb was glaring back at him.
"Yeah, gonna put a stop to that line of thinkin' right now. If I don't get to joke about it, you don't get to either. Besides, I got somethin' better for us to do," he said, emerging with a datapad. As he keyed his way into it, he sat down against one of the shuttle walls, nodding that Alex ought to join him. So he sat down next to him, watching in rapt attention as the device projected a holo of Chopper with Arkalia draped all over his dome, mouth wide open in a joyous laugh.
A stream of holos followed from the first one, each one carefully showing only the interior of the Ghost or of a base, but never giving away a planetary location. There were images of Arkalia climbing up a smiling Kanan, of Ezra picking her up with the Force, of Sabine painting with her – there had apparently been a point when the kit had somehow managed to get half her face covered in green paint – images of the little kit with other rebels, every last one of them smiling as they played with her. There was even an image of Sato, smiling uncertainly as the baby Lasat latched herself onto his boot. There were images of Hera going about maintenance checks on the Ghost with the sleeping kit secured in a carrier on her back, and holos of Rex napping with the baby girl. There was even an image or two of Rau with the little one, not in any way sure what to make of her.
And of course there was Zeb. Zeb and Lia. Images of him feeding her with a tender smile on his face, play-batting at her tiny paws with his own large fingers, her climbing all over him while he playfully grabbed for her, her chewing on his ear while Hera laughingly pulled her from her perch on his head. Despite the fact that this was all taking place on a hidden military base in the middle of a cold war, it was all beautifully domestic, and as had happened with all the previous times he'd looked through his own collection of holos, Alex found himself remarkably soothed by it all – soothed by the images of the little family and soothed by the easy weight of Arkalia in his arms and Zeb's warm, solid presence at his side. With this gentle comfort he was so used to doing without, it didn't take him long to drift into a peaceful doze, waking only once when he vaguely felt Zeb shifting him to lie down somewhere. So, with Arkalia still in his arms and Zeb's arms around him, he fell into a deep sleep, not waking until several hours later.
When Alex did wake from his sleep, it was to the sight of the morning sun shining through the Phantom II's forward viewport. Had he...really slept through the night?
Shifting about a bit, he found himself laid out on a pallet of some kind in the shuttle's crew cabin. Arkalia was still cradled against his chest, but Zeb was nowhere to be seen. The first sign of movement he had was Chopper rolling over from a small charging station.
"Good morning, Chopper," he said, being careful not to wake Arkalia as he gathered her in his arms to properly sit up. "Where's Zeb got to?"
The astromech gave a cranky whir at the question, tapping at his dome with a manipulator. But then he gave a more conceding string of beeps before venturing over to one of the shuttle's supply compartments.
"But...what would he be looking for?" Alex wondered, only partly to the droid. Chopper's response was cut off when Arkalia woke with a distressed screech, her tiny claws biting painfully into his arm.
The agent's only response was a small grunt of pain. Almost immediately, he drew the baby girl up to rest against his chest, gently rubbing her back.
"Oh, there now. What's wrong, Lia?"
As if on cue, Chopper rolled up with a prepared bottle, passing it off to him with a warble and a chirp.
"Thank you, Chopper," he acknowledged the droid before offering the bottle to Arkalia. She latched on immediately, gripping the bottle in both hands, even managing to get a foot around the end of it. Alex laughed at the intent look on her face as she fed. "There now. Isn't that better?"
Arkalia was very deep into the bottle by the time Zeb returned, some sort of pastie held in one hand while he finished off another.
"Mornin'," he greeted as he came up to them, dropping a kiss on Arkalia's head before shifting up to place a gentle peck on Alex's lips. "Sleep well?"
"Very well, surprisingly."
"Here. Let me take her. You need to eat," the Lasat said, holding out his arms for Arkalia while offering Alex the pastie.
He didn't protest, easily making the switch off and watching Zeb finish off the feeding session while he took a bite of his breakfast.
He would admit to having a bit of a moment with that first bite. The pastie crust was light and perfectly flaky, while the filling was savory and rich, that first swallow sending a pleasant warmth straight to the core of him. He didn't fully recognize the flavor profile of the spices that had been used, but the meat was definitely bantha.
Zeb chuckled quietly as he watched him eat. "Not seen much real food since Alluvium, then?"
"None at all, actually. Thank you," he said between bites. "A Star Destroyer's not exactly the living end as far as cuisine goes."
"Right," he said, taking a moment to clean any milk from the kit's face before just letting her latch onto him without any aid from a carrier. "No wonder all you Imps are always so grumpy."
"Of course. So what was it you were looking for? It can't have just been food. Chopper said you'd gone to do a little shopping."
"I did, yeah. Found what I was lookin' for, too," he said, going to retrieve his datapad whilst pulling something from the pouch that had previously been occupied by Ketsu's recording.
The new device was a small silver sphere, featureless save for a tiny access port, and it was situated as a pendant on a slender silver chain. While Alex watched, Zeb connected the little thing to his datapad, facilitating some sort of data transfer.
"What is that?"
"Took some doin' to find this. It's a recorder pendant. I thought you could use one. It'd be less suspicious for you to keep private holos on somethin' like this. Less likely to be searched. You could keep it with you always," Zeb explained as the file collection transferred.
Alex honestly didn't know what to say to that at first. All he could seem to do was stand there dumbfounded as the Lasat set everything up. It was such a little thing, insignificant in the grand spinning of the galaxy, but to him it was everything. It was the light he needed to see him through. And really, their entire relationship had been like that – little things, little moments, little gestures. A light, a willing ear, a hand – tiny little things that were so inconsequential to the rest of the galaxy, but had undone and remade his galaxy.
This Lasat...this fool Lasat...
"Thank you," he whispered as Zeb came to place the pendant around his neck. He honestly could've cried when Arkalia reached out a paw to bat at the shiny little thing, but instead he laughed as he tucked his treasure beneath his shirt, already comforted by the cool weight of it against his chest.
They spent the rest of their day planning the breakout of the Manaan facility, backup plans, contingencies, and several different scenarios, all while Arkalia crawled and climbed around the interior of the shuttle, playing with Chopper, who would occasionally put in his salty two credits over the whole situation.
"Do you think Command will go for this?" Alex asked Zeb by the time they'd reached a stopping point.
"I'll put everything by Kanan and Hera first. Sato'll listen to Hera. Even if nobody goes for it, I'm gonna be with you. We're doin' this, no matter what Command says. We can't let this chance go," Zeb insisted, but then his expression went somewhat disquiet when he watched Alex lift a sleepy Arkalia from Chopper's dome. "Though...with...hopefully, with all those Lasat with us, we'll be able to make the run for our safe place. The way'll be openin' up soon."
"The thought had occurred to me, yes," the former Imperial returned quietly as he rocked the worn out kit, his expression torn as he gazed down at her. "She will finally be safe."
"I...I'll be sure to bring her to you...before we make the run," Zeb said, awkwardly scratching the back of his head when Alex looked up at him. He looked like he wanted to say more, but couldn't quite decide on what to say. Alex just nodded in response.
"Yes. Thank you," he said before nuzzling Arkalia's small head and dropping a kiss on the top. "Farewell, my lady. Sleep tight. I'll be seeing you at least once more," he said, and reluctant though he was to let her go, he settled her back on Chopper's dome, where she yawned once before drifting off to sleep.
He and Zeb then headed to the shuttle's exit ramp hand in hand, sharing a small kiss on the threshold before he headed out.
"Do..." he started softly against the Lasat's lips, "do you think maybe we could meet back up at Moon Dust before we head off? I'd like at least one drink with you that's not under false pretenses."
"Wouldn't be for very long, but I'm game."
"All right. See you in half an hour."
If Alex's internal clock was still any good, it was exactly twenty-nine minutes later that Zeb bellied up to the bar beside him.
"Mm, fancy seeing you here," he said with a grin as he glanced sideways at the Lasat. "What are we drinking tonight?" he asked, subtly informing his partner they were in the clear on his end.
"Little lighter this time around, I think," he answered, the cue that told Alex they were free and clear to do what they wanted. "Karabast, but you are a tough one to keep up with. Shaddaa starfire," he ordered when he caught the bartender's eye – a human woman this time.
Alex gave an easy laugh at that one. "Really? Isn't that basically water to your stomach?"
"Basically," Zeb agreed as he eyed the Chandrilan liqueur Alex was nursing. "But maybe I'd like a bit more of a clear head tonight. What about you? That seems a bit on the light side."
"Oh, I've an incurable sweet tooth, you'll find," he said, raising his glass to Zeb as the Lasat's acid green drink arrived, the foam still faintly sparking.
"Gonna have to keep that in mind," Zeb said, clinking his glass against Alex's before taking a long drink.
Alex wasn't completely certain what he was going to say next, but the words were suddenly lost when he heard the opening notes of the song the Twi'lek singer at the far end of the bar was starting up on.
It had been a long time since he'd heard the song – back before Lasan, before Onderon, even, when he'd gone into a different bar on Malastare with his unit during their leave. Anasch had liked it, and Tenar had joked that it ought to be her and Kuron's song. And Alita Kuron, in her typical defiant fashion, had led the younger woman onto the floor for a dance.
"You awake in there?" he suddenly became aware of Zeb's voice.
"I- yes," he responded, shaking himself out of the reverie of the two young women dancing. "I just...it's been so long since I've heard this song."
"Heh, half-surprised you know an Outer Rim tune like this. What is that? Jedhan?" the Lasat asked of the language.
"It is. I first heard it in a bar not so different from this one...with my unit," he said, voice going distant yet again.
"Oh," Zeb said softly, easily taking his meaning. "So...d'you know any of the words?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Or at least I've seen enough Basic translations to have a good idea. Other than that, my Jedhan is only passable."
"So what's he singin' about then?"
Alex didn't sing the verses he'd learned. That would've interrupted the song a little too rudely for his tastes. Instead he spoke them quietly, giving voice to the beautiful lyrics he'd heard so long ago.
Floating beyond time
There's a city made of wind
Please, dear, take me there
Where dreams draped in white flowers
Come true
Holding anxious hands
Calm me with a kiss and then
Please, dear, guide me there
Where love that was forgotten
Can bloom
And, darling, in the afternoon
We'll sleep in the sun
And wake to a time when
The hunting is done
And then when I see you
I'll know in my heart what I've won
And, darling, in the afternoon
We'll sleep in the sun
And wake to a time when
The hunting is done
And then when I see you
I'll know in my heart what I've won
Please, dear, take me there
When Alex returned to Moon Dust, the image of Alita and Klaidi still dancing behind his eyes, he looked over to find Zeb gazing at him with an odd, fond smile on his face.
"That's real nice."
"It- well- the lyrics aren't perfect, but...that captures the meaning well enough," he said, feeling his cheeks starting to redden. "Two of the girls, it- it was their song. They used to dance to it."
"About life after a war," Zeb said in a contemplative voice. "Think you'd ever...be able to dance to it yourself?"
"Oh, I've never been much of a dancer," he said as he leaned into his partner, letting him know that he took both his meanings as they swayed slightly to the music. "But I'd be willing to try...with you."
Zeb sighed in contentment as they leaned still further into each other, listening to the song and sipping their drinks. When their comforting, companionable silence was suddenly interrupted, it was through Zeb's gently whispered Lasana.
"Ni Tinsana."
"You- said that before. What does it mean?" Alex asked as he glanced up at the former guardsman.
"The Tinsahn Keeraw. It's the Way of the Bond," Zeb began to explain in a much more serious tone. "Among my people it's the name of those who are bound together. Sometimes that means in friendship or brotherhood. Sometimes it even means sworn enemies. A lot of the time, it's- two lovers...a bond of love. Whatever else it is...it's two souls that have been bound together by fate...to whatever end. You and me...we've been bound together from the start. I think I knew that...even then...but I didn't say it to myself for a long time. Tinsana is...bondmate."
"Zeb..."
"La rokir rrazehan. An san ni Tinsana," he said solemnly.
I know your name. You are my Bondmate.
"It doesn't have to mean anythin' more than you want it to. I know what it means to me. What it means to you is your own decision," the Lasat said as he draped an arm around his shoulders, holding him close, but not uncomfortably so.
He was sure of his feelings for Garazeb Orrelios. What he really needed was time to figure out if this new concept was enough to encompass what he felt.
"I thought I'd made my feelings on the matter quite plain," he said, offering his partner a small sideways smile. "I love you, Captain."
Zeb's response began with a light chuckle. "Yeah, I know. And seein' as how I'm still technically forbidden to say it, I'll have to try another approach. L'ashkerrir an," he said, pressing a kiss to the agent's ear.
Alex laughed, even as he felt tears of joy beginning to prick behind his eyes. He knew enough Lasana to know the meaning of those words. "I'm quite certain that's cheating."
"Maybe, but I don't really care," Zeb said with a shrug. "I couldn't let you go back without you knowin'. Not this time."
Neither of them said anything for a long while after. They just held onto each other, each nursing their drink very slowly. Because they both knew what would happen when those drinks were gone.
XxX
It was strange for Ezra not to have Sabine around.
Granted, there had been plenty of times one went on a mission without the other. It wasn't as if they were never apart, but all the times before, the separation had been with the understanding that they'd be seeing each other back at the Ghost. But now, with her staying behind on Krownest, not knowing when he'd see her again...
Not that he wasn't happy for her. It was awesome that she was getting to reconcile with her family and help spark rebellion among the Mandalorians. But...still...he missed her.
And he must've already been losing his mind from it if he was actually taking Kanan up on his suggestion of meditation to get his head on straight.
His master had even steered him to what they still referred to as his room. Though, honestly, he wasn't sure why any of them were continuing to pretend that the knight still slept alone. Either way, it was less distracting to work in Kanan's fairly nondescript room. Unfortunately, all he could seem to do was think about Sabine, and that led him to the other absent members of the little family – Zeb and Arkalia. Even Kallus, for crying out loud!
Thoughts of Arkalia were amusing enough, though. The sound of her laughter, of her high-pitched squeals of excitement, of the way she would kick her tiny but strong Lasat feet, the way she would try to coo along with them when any of them sang to her. It was so easy to think of her, in fact, that he wasn't even all that surprised to feel the tiny pat of her paws suddenly clinging to him as she scampered up his back.
"Hey!" he jibed in amusement. "Just what do you think you're doing in here?"
He tried to turn and retrieve the naughty little kit, but when he actually looked behind him, he found no one there.
"I...wha-"
And when he turned back, he found his location had somehow changed.
Instead of sitting in Kanan's old room, he found himself in a circular chamber, its walls consisting largely of floor to ceiling windows. The last light of day was shining through those windows, and from what he could see of the world beyond them, the room seemed to be located in a building that rose above a massive city – a city that had no end from what he could see.
The only thing to be seen in the chamber itself was a ring of seats, all of different shapes and sizes.
"What...what is this?" he asked aloud as he rose from the seat he'd been sitting in, not really sure who he'd been expecting an answer from.
A vision?
Hearing a small laugh, he looked to the center of the room to see Arkalia there, rolling around on the floor and chewing on a stuffed loth cat.
"Ari?"
For a moment, she looked up at him, smiling. Then she rolled onto all fours and began to crawl away.
"Hey! Hold on," he protested, feeling a smile start to turn up the corners of his own mouth as he moved to follow her. But then he started to notice other things in the chamber. Not actual living beings, just...shapes...shadows...phantom impressions on the air. One moment, he'd almost swear he could see a little kid peaking out from behind one of the chairs, but then he'd actually turn to look and the image would twist into vapor and fade away.
"Ari?" he tried to call out again, gaze flicking nervously around the space as the daylight vanished. "I don't think we should be here."
His words were met by the sound of heavily mechanized breathing.
Oh, no.
When he looked to the doorway that led from the chamber, it was to see the shadowy masked figure from his nightmares. The figure he now knew had a name.
Vader.
Anakin Skywalker.
"You are correct in that, young one," the Sith lord said. "This is where Jedi bratlings come to die."
Then his lightsaber shrieked to life in a burst of red light and he was moving forward. Not toward Ezra...but Arkalia.
"NO!" Ezra shouted, reacting without thought. Almost before he was aware of it, he had his own lightsaber in hand and he was standing over the little girl, his blade locked with Vader's in an effort to keep him from killing her.
"You are the same, Ezra Bridger. You and the girl," the Sith taunted him in a strangely even voice. "The Empire has decreed your deaths, and it will have what it is due."
"So what do you expect us to do? Just lay down and die?" Ezra challenged, feeling his arms shake with the effort of maintaining the stalemate. No matter how frightened he was, no matter how little chance he had against this creature, he couldn't just stand aside. He couldn't run away.
"I expect you to know your place, and you, child, are no Jedi!" the Sith lord snarled as he raised a hand, bringing the Force to bear on Ezra.
The next moment he was flying through the air. The last thing he saw before crashing through a window was Vader raising his lightsaber over the baby Lasat.
"ARI!" he screamed as he plummeted through the air, falling toward the city below. But instead of impacting against metal and glass, he found himself landing heavily on dusty ground. Shooting upright, his gaze darted around for Arkalia.
"Ari?" he called out in worry, searching, but his gaze fell on someone else instead.
Wedge and Zelina.
As the sun rose, lighting up the landscape, he realized they were on Atollon. What was happening? Was he back? Was this still some sort of vision?
"Don't worry about it," Wedge said, leaning against the rock the younger girl was sitting on top of. "We all screw up sometimes."
"Still...screwing up in the field gets people killed. That's what Trek used to say. I want to do better."
"Wedge?" Ezra tried to call out, but the second he raised his hand toward them, the daylight twisted around him, curling in on itself until he was standing on the bridge of a ship, just a few meters away from Sabine. The first thing he noticed was that her hair was cut much shorter than he'd ever seen it, and it was dyed a solid, vibrant purple color. More than this, though, he was concerned by the tears he saw pouring down her face.
"I will kill you, Ezra! I might actually karking kill you this time," she sobbed, scrubbing futilely at her face with one hand.
"Sabine..." he started, hand still outstretched from where he'd been reaching out to Wedge. But before he could determine if she could actually see him, the scene transformed again.
The blackness of space rushed in through the bridge's view ports, coalescing into some sort of dimly lit office. And instead of Sabine standing there, it was Kallus, bo-rifle extended, but not yet ignited. Ezra couldn't see the source, but his face was lit by some kind of strange blue-green light.
"I don't want to fight," Kallus said in a low voice, though he was clearly ready to.
"That's unfortunate," an unfamiliar female voice answered from behind Ezra, but just as he was turning to see who had spoken, he found himself staring down one of Lothal's thoroughfares instead. It was dark, but he could still clearly see the speeder bearing down on him – the speeder piloted by his master.
"Kanan!" he shouted just when the knight was about to crash right into him. Kanan brought the speeder up short at the last possible moment, the force of the sharp move throwing him clear of the vehicle and sending him rolling several meters.
Ezra's first instinct was to go and help him, but then he got a good look at the way Kanan was almost shaking as he got back to his feet.
"Where are you?" the Jedi demanded, something harsh and heavy in his voice.
"Kanan?" he couldn't quite help whispering, even though he understood by now that none of the other visions had been able to see him. None except Vader.
"I don't have time for this!" Kanan ground out as he stalked back to the speeder. "If you wanna help, fine. Otherwise, stay out of my way."
What's wrong?
It had been a while since he'd heard his master so bent out of shape. Since before Malachor, even. And even though he understood that Kanan couldn't see or sense him from whatever distance in time this was, he still couldn't help trying to reach out one last time as the knight turned slowly back in his direction.
"Kanan!" he called out, even as the world changed around him once again – changed into a much noisier, violent setting.
He could see Kallus, standing in the doorway of some sort of hangar bay, battered and bloody, clearly favoring one leg over the other as he made a valiant effort to remain upright. Even though he looked like death warmed over, he still somehow managed a small smile.
"I know what I'm doing," he said, his voice soft despite the blare of alarms overhead. "This is the only way."
"Alex, don't do this," Zeb's voice sounded from somewhere behind him, but before he could turn to the Lasat, a distant volley of blaster fire interrupted them.
Kallus flinched mildly at the sound, but he still smiled for Zeb, and even though Ezra couldn't understand his next words, he could understand the look in the former Imperial's eyes when he spoke them.
"Garazeb...La rokir rrazehan. An san ni Tinsana. Go, my love."
Then a door was slamming shut between them and Zeb was screaming. Again, Ezra tried to turn to him, but then the visions disappeared altogether and he was falling again.
High above him, he could see faces, some familiar and some not. Each figure reached out a hand to him, trying to grab hold, but they were always just out of reach.
"Ezra!" Kanan cried out.
"Ezra!" a Jedi master with intricately braided brown hair called his name.
"Ezra!" his parents shouted.
"Ezra!" a boy with dark blond hair and blue eyes called out to him.
"Ezra!" Master Kenobi shouted down to him.
"Ezra!" a girl with brown hair and wide brown eyes called out.
"Ezra!" Sabine screamed.
"Ezra!" a Cathar girl with vivid green eyes cried.
"Ezra!" Ahsoka called to him.
"Ezra!" a much younger girl with long black hair and blue eyes cried out.
"Ezra!" a young boy with short green hair called out for him.
EZRA.
"Ezra?"
The last was different – a question. Not a cry.
Feeling a hand finally grab his, he looked up to see...well...himself.
At least, he was pretty sure that was who it was. He was older and had more scars, but the young Jedi found it easy to recognize the eyes that always looked back at him from the mirror.
The figure had a light dusting of facial hair and his hair was much longer than Ezra's was right now. In fact, it was pulled back in a style that reminded him a lot of...Kanan.
"It's all right," his older self said to him, offering him a smile that had only the slightest tinge of pain in it. "Everything's- going to be all right."
"But...what's going to happen?" he tried to ask.
His future self just smirked down at him before releasing him. There were a few wild moments in which Ezra thought he was just going to keep falling forever, but it took only those few moments to fall back into Kanan's room.
Upon snapping out of the vision, he jolted up off the meditation couch with a sharp cry, barely managing to keep his feet. His gaze darted around the room as he drew in several ragged breaths.
"What- just happened?"
"Ezra?" Kanan's concerned voice sounded at the closed door before it slid open, admitting the knight. "What happened? I felt...you were freaking out over something."
"I just...I had a vision," he finally managed to answer, looking toward his master.
"Don't suppose I should bother asking if it was bad or not," Kanan said, crossing his arms over his chest.
Ezra sighed, running a hand through his short hair. "Not so much. No."
"Tell me," Kanan invited, indicating that Ezra should sit back down while he seated himself in front of the couch, prepared to listen.
"I...well...some of it I couldn't really explain," he started as he settled himself back on the small couch. "I saw places I've never seen before...people I've never met."
"Well, you can always start from the beginning and see what you can work out."
"Right," Ezra said distantly, nodding out of habit. "The first part of it was...Ari and me. We were in this round room, and it looked like it was high above a city."
Kanan tensed slightly on hearing his description. "Did this room have floor to ceiling glass windows? And twelve seats?"
"I didn't- count the seats or anything, but yes. That was what it looked like. Have you seen it before?"
Kanan nodded. "I have. That's the council chamber in the Jedi Temple back on Coruscant. It was where the High Council met to decide matters for the Order. At one time, my own master sat on the Council."
"I...I got this really bad feeling about it. Like we shouldn't have been there...and...that was when Vader showed up."
"You fought Vader?" Kanan asked him.
"Yeah. He was going to kill us. He talked about- how we were the same...how the Empire wanted us dead," he recounted, shaking at the memory of the Sith lord's pointed hate.
"Well...he wasn't wrong. You being a Jedi student and Ari being a Lasat."
"Right. I tried to protect her, but he just- tossed me out of the tower...and I was falling...and I started seeing other things."
"What things?"
"I saw Wedge and Zelina. I don't know what they were talking about, but they were here on Atollon. I saw Sabine...and she was- crying," he said with a small wince. "I'm not sure why. I saw Kallus a few times. Once when he was about to fight someone and again when...actually, I'm not- really sure. I think he was about to do something Zeb didn't want him to do."
"Yeah. I get the feeling that's gonna happen a lot with those two," Kanan said, sighing as he shook his head. "I've seen Kallus in a lot of my own visions but, to be fair...he has a lot to do with the future of the rebellion right now."
"It was just- so much I didn't understand. I feel like when I've had visions in the past, I've had a better handle on them. Like I understood where they were trying to lead me."
"And then you've turned out to be wrong each time, haven't you," Kanan pointed out. "It's not in any way black and white, this whole vision business. I've been dealing with it a lot myself recently. My advice to you is to consider what each vision actually tells you about the person or event you're seeing. Don't think about it in terms of what you want to see, but what's actually present. You might just find better answers that way."
"Kanan," he continued uncertainly, knowing he wasn't going to reveal that he'd seen him in his visions, but wanting to talk about at least one more of them, "I think...I think I saw myself in one of the visions. Like it was me in the future."
"And what were you doing in that vision?" Kanan asked him.
"I'd been falling. I fell so far, and a lot of people tried to catch me, but they couldn't. In the end...I caught me. And that me...all he told me was that everything was going to be all right. Why would I need to say that?" he asked his master.
Kanan thought about it for only a moment before responding with, "Well...doesn't that seem like something you'd do?"
"Huh?"
"If you could reach back to yourself in the past and you only had a limited amount of time to speak, what would you tell yourself? What would the you from right now tell that little street rat from Lothal who was still sitting in Kallus' brig after getting mixed up in a heist?"
"I guess...I'd tell him it was all gonna work out," he responded with a faint smile after thinking about it for several moments.
"Exactly. So I'd say it's safe to assume that, whatever it is that's coming your way, your future self wanted you to know that you'll get through it."
Ezra gave a quiet laugh at that one. "Yeah. I guess you're right."
"So," Kanan started as he got back to his feet, "think maybe you could give not dwelling on it a try for the time being?"
"I think I probably could," he said, cracking a smile as he joined his master in standing. "I'm gonna go find Zelina and the others. I haven't talked to 'em much yet."
XxX
(A/N) Heh, well, not one, but two songs in this chapter. As ye may have noticed, 'There Is Life' gives the story its title, and I'd been wanting to work it in somehow. Though I've been thinking some truly crazy thoughts recently and maaaaaybe attempting to create a Lasana version of the song.
www. youtube watch?v=h2RfENYD3ac
The second song is properly called 'Kaze no Machi E', and while it of course has its English version, I'm gonna link you to the original Japanese version first, as the English version's a little harder to track down.
www. youtube watch?v=aaiPomwPzwE
The version I did manage to find is within the song's original context, so it's got a bit of scene surrounding it but here you are.
www. youtube watch?v=Q7qKV737Jas
Join us next time, dear readers, for next time...next time we go to Manaan. See you there.