CHAPTER TEN.
Just a Stupid Crush
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Lily? Hello? What are you doing here?" he repeated again.
"I could ask you the same thing," I said.
He looked down to the ground by my feet. There was a piece of parchment fluttering lightly to the ground. I looked at my hand and noticed my letter was no longer there. He grabbed it before I could even react.
"Hey, what's this?" he asked, holding it up to his face.
I ran at him. "No, Sirius, no! You can't read that!" I jumped, reaching my arms up to get it. My humiliation was just fingertips away.
"Lily love," he started to read. "I'm proud of you for surviving! I couldn't have done it myself…"
"NO! Sirius, give it back!" I said, still jumping like a damn kangaroo on a pogo stick.
"Love is not meant to be meddled with by mothers? James Potter is a fetching name? Lily, what the hell is this?" he asked me, still holding the paper high over his head.
I gave up. There went my secret. And my dignity. Was there a deep hole here somewhere? Preferably six feet deep or deeper? Or maybe I really should just visit old Squidy soon, he must be getting very lonely.
I sat down and dropped my head in my hands. I started rocking back and forth. "This is just a bad dream, Lily. You can wake up, come on, just wake up," I started muttering under my breath.
Someone was shaking me. YES! It really was just a nightmare!
"Lily! Lily…" I looked up, expecting to find Hailey. Instead, I found Sirius' grey eyes looking back at me with a piece of parchment in his hand.
I groaned and just went back to my rocking.
"Lily, tell me what's going on right now," he said, shaking the letter in my face.
I looked up. I could see those words haunting me. And do something for yourself for once, love. It's the only way. I know that you pick them well, you won't disappoint. Love, you said your life was turning out like a movie, didn't you? I know you can do this, Lily.
I tried to grab the letter from Sirius' hand, but he was too quick for me. I glared at him and stood up, trying to look intimidating. "Give it back, Sirius," I said.
He cocked an eyebrow. "Tell me what's going on first," he said, waving the letter again.
"Why should I?" I asked him. "You'll just tell everyone anyways," I whispered.
"Lily," he said. "Lily, I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to," I looked up at him. He looked genuine. "Marauder's oath," he said, putting his hand over his heart.
I contemplated this. He wouldn't swear anything on the "Marauder" name unless he truly meant it. He sounded honest enough.
I sighed and sat back down. "Fine," I told him.
He sat down too. "Okay, but we have to make some sort of deal," he said.
I rolled my eyes. "What kind of deal? You're getting me to spill all my secrets! Isn't that enough?" I asked him, anguished.
"But, I can't be sure. So, when I feel like you've said enough, you'll get this back," he said, waving around my letter.
I sighed. "Okay," I said. "What do you want to know?" I asked.
"What is this about?"
"Did you read the whole thing?" I asked him, not really wanting to say anything.
"Skimmed through. But I know enough."
"Well then, you know who it's about." Saying the names would be hard…
"I'm figuring Wilkes and Prongs," he said, looking at the letter.
I rolled my eyes. "Not exactly what I would have called them, but yes," I said.
Sirius coughed. "Er, what exactly happened with Wilkes?" he asked me.
I felt my face getting red and I started playing with the grass. "Well, I broke up with him because he thought I fancied James."
He paused for a minute. "Do you?" he asked me hesitantly.
Slowly, I started nodding.
"Oh," he said, taking it all in. Somehow, I didn't think "Oh" was all he wanted to say. This news was too big for just an "Oh". "So, I'm guessing that was the biggest of news?" he asked.
I nodded again.
"What is this 'fetching name' business?" he asked.
I blushed again and shook my head. Why, oh why, did I have to bring the letter outside? It was too bloody embarrassing to stay anywhere besides inside my trunk.
"Lily…a deal's a deal," he said.
I sighed. "It's my mother's way of saying that she," I gulped. "Thinks James is a good choice," I said, deciding it best to just let it all out.
"Wow. Your mum's brilliant," he said, amused.
"It's not the first time I've heard it," I said, rolling my eyes.
I suddenly got panicked. "But, Sirius, you can NOT tell!" I said. "You can't tell anyone, not Remus, not Peter, not Sir Nick, not McGonagall, not your pet snail, and especially NOT James," I said, poking his chest for every name I said, poking him a little harder at the last name.
He gulped and rubbed where I had poked him. "But, Lily! Do you know what this could do?! This could change the HISTORY of HOGWARTS!" he exclaimed.
"Exactly why you can't say anything!" I countered.
"Lily, that makes no sense—"
"Sirius, Marauder's oath!" I said, bringing his hand to his chest to remind him.
He looked shocked, then sighed. "Fine, I won't tell anybody. But, Lily, you're making a—"
"I don't want to hear it, Padfoot," I said.
"But—wait, did you just call me Padfoot?" he asked me, eyebrow cocked.
I blushed. "Did I? I can't remember," I said, even though I did. It kind of just slipped out, really. I didn't really mean to…
"Whatever. But, just promise me something, Lily," he said.
"What?"
"You have to tell him one day, Lily. You have to," he said, looking more serious than I'd ever seen him. Pardon the pun. That got old in first year.
"I-I don't know—"
"You have to, Lily. You don't know how much you did to him, not liking him in the least. He has to know. He deserves it, Lily. You know he does," he said, sounding almost sad.
I looked down at the ground, ashamed. It was true. All those years of me rejecting him, it must have taken a lot out of the bloke. He might not have shown it, but it must have affected him somewhat.
I nodded. "I'll tell him, just not now," I said. I decided that even if he didn't like me (I shivered inwardly, wishing that wasn't the case), he did deserve it. Hell, it would be better if he did reject me, so I got a taste of my own medicine. Even thought I cringed at the thought. I deserved it too.
Sirius smiled brightly. "Excellent!"
"But, Sirius, what if he doesn't fancy me back?" The question slipped out before I could think about it. It had been bouncing around my mind for a while now, but I hadn't said anything until now. It had been the truth I had been dreading since I figured it out. I mean, he had stopped asking me out, hadn't he? Tasting my own medicine would be tough.
Sirius looked a bit shocked. "Lily, I can't tell you that. Marauder oath," he said, placing his hand back on his chest. "I keep them, I promise," he said to me.
I nodded, disappointed. If anyone knew the answer, it'd be Sirius. But, I couldn't blame him for remaining loyal to his friends. At least I knew he'd keep my secret.
"Can I have my letter back now?" I asked him as we started walking back to the castle.
"Just one more question," he said, moving it out of my reach.
I groaned. "What now?" I asked him, dreading what it'd be.
"Why were you outside?" he asked.
Oh, that wasn't so bad.
"The castle was getting stuffy. And I needed space to think," I told him. "Why were you outside?"
"I was getting some extra practising done," he said holding up his broom. Funny how I never noticed that until then.
"Satisfied now? Can I have it back?" I asked, holding my hand open.
"One more question."
"That's what you said last time," I said, getting extremely sick of this.
"I promise it's the last," he said, taking the letter out of my reach.
I rolled my eyes.
"Do I get to tease you?"
"What?" I asked him, thoroughly confused.
He puckered his lips at me as a response. "You want to snog him, you want to love him, you want to touch him, you want to date him—"
Face as red as the devil himself, I lunged at Sirius and tried getting my letter out of his hands. "Give it to me, you prick of a hippo, give it back!" I shouted.
He was laughing, enjoying my displeasure and embarrassment. He had lifted the letter in the air long before I had thrown myself at him and I was back to hopping.
"Padfoot? Lily? What the hell is going on here?" asked a voice from behind me.
I stopped hopping and turned around.
"Oh, it's only you, Remus. I thought it was—"
"Moony? What are you doing outside?"
I gulped down my words. "Why, hullo, Prongs! Moony!" said Sirius, jubilantly.
"Hi, Padfoot," said James, strangely, revealing himself from behind Remus.
I would have been lying to myself if I said he didn't look wonderful. Because he looked absolutely that. Wonderful. His face was clean of dirt and whatever else after Quidditch practice. His hair was still slightly damp, still messy, but I wouldn't want it any other way. All it needed was a good little ruffle.
"What are all of you doing outside?" asked James, reading my mind and ruffling his hair. I think I almost died. I was indeed turning into a swooning third year girl.
"Getting a bit more practice time," said Sirius, raising his broom. My letter was still in his hand. But, a thought came to me as I saw Remus' wand hanging out of his pocket. I cursed myself for not thinking of it sooner.
"Accio letter!" I whispered, my wand pulled out. Sirius didn't have enough time to react this time; he was having a much more pleasant conversation with James.
I grabbed the letter as it flew towards me, Sirius' eyes following the one thing that gave him the opportunity to ask me whatever he pleased. I tucked it safely into the inner pocket of my robe and grinned at him. He searched through his robes, and I panicked a bit. I had forgotten he could easily just take it back…
"Damn it! I never bring my wand to Quidditch," he said, muttering under his breath, still searching his robes.
"What are you doing outside, Lily? Thought it made you crazy?" asked James, smiling slightly.
I grimaced and blushed. Ha, I did say that, didn't I? "Oh, you know. Figured I was already mad enough, so, I, um, it couldn't make it worse, could it?" I said, thinking it up on the spot.
That seemed to get Sirius to stop searching his robes and Remus to give me a strange look. James laughed. "Got that right. You are mad one, Lily Evans," he said.
I gave a weak laugh. It wasn't really uplifting to know your crush thought you were mad. It made you feel quite stupid actually.
Sensing something was up, Sirius coughed. "Well, Moony, you have yet to answer the one question we've all answered," he said, changing the subject.
"I heard someone singing," I glared at Sirius, he beamed back, "and thought I'd see who it was," he finished, giving Sirius and I a strange look.
Sirius smiled innocently. "Well, now that that's settled, why don't we all go back into the castle. I'm quite hungry, it's around lunch now, I think?" he said, moving us all along.
I found myself beside James and I subtly saw Sirius wink at me. I blushed and glared at him. He was doing this on purpose. But, Merlin's socks, he smelled so good; it was making my mind spin. And it wasn't an overpowering smell, like those fourth year boys who sprayed bottles and bottles of cologne on every morning so you could smell them before you saw them; it was a nice smell, and you could only smell it if you were standing very close to him. Which I was.
"I was just thinking," said Sirius. Remus smirked but didn't say anything mean. "And I realized, Prongs, that you have quite a fetching name, don't you think so, Moony?" he said, throwing an arm around James, the other around Remus.
Oh, I was going to murder him.
Adnsdfndjvmaskda.
Okay, so, I was starting to regret telling Sirius anything. I mean, I was pretty sure he wouldn't say anything to anyone, but he had been dropping subtle clues ever since. It was now Monday. And I knew Remus was getting suspicious.
Example #1:
"Padfoot, can you pass the salt?"
"Why don't you ask Lily, she's right there," Sirius would say, winking.
"Er, all right. Lily, can you pass the salt?" he would ask me, giving strange looks around the table.
I would pass the salt to him, glaring at Sirius. Of course, glaring would undoubtedly indicate something was going on, but it was what I had to manage with before I got around to killing him.
Sirius would beam at us as Remus would give him strange looks.
Example #2:
James would move to the table where he and Sirius normally sat during Potions, only to find it occupied by Hailey. Hailey would be just as confused as James would be, but he'd go to the next available spot; next to me.
Remus would raise his eyebrows at me, then turn around just in time to stop Peter from blowing up their cauldron.
There were plenty more but I was just too exhausted to think about them right now. This had to stop or James would know my secret and if he was ever going to find out, I'd rather it'd be me who told him.
"Sirius, we need to talk," I said, finding him alone in the Common Room.
"What is it, Lily? Anymore secrets you would like to tell Auntie Sirius?" he said, grinning.
"Look, you've got to lay off the hinting," I said, lowering my voice and narrowing my eyes. "It's got to stop, okay?"
Sirius pouted. "But, it's so much fun, Lily," he said.
I rolled my eyes. "Sirius, I said I would tell him, just not now. Let me have my chance," I said.
"Fine," he said, sighing. "You aren't the only one getting sick of it," he muttered under his breath.
"What?" I asked, eyebrows shooting up.
"Hmm?" he asked, acting like he hadn't said anything.
"What did you just say?" I asked him, growing even more suspicious.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Lily," he said, far too innocently.
"Sirius…" I said, growing extremely frustrated.
"What? I didn't say anything!" he said, getting up.
"Fine," I said, angrily and getting up after him. "Just stop hinting, okay?" I said, frustrated as hell and almost yelling now.
James was suddenly behind me, a look of disappointment on his face. "Stop hinting what, exactly?" he said in a low voice that sent shivers down my spine.
I coughed. No one said anything for a moment.
"Hinting what I wanted for Christmas," said Sirius, matter-of-factly.
James' eyebrows knitted together. "And what would that be, Padfoot?" he asked, somehow sounding unconvinced despite Sirius' convincing mask of a face.
Sirius didn't say anything at once. He seemed panicked; like he didn't know what to tell him.
I frantically searched my mind; trying to find an appropriate thing that Sirius would want. Let's see, he was reckless, stupid and a boy.
"A motorbike," I blurted before I had time to think how this gift was inappropriate. Sirius probably didn't even know what a motorcycle was. Damn it.
"A motor-what?" asked James, one eyebrow raised.
"You know, James," said Sirius, excited, putting his hands in front of him like he was gripping the handle bars. "Vroom, vroom. Motorbike," he said, like it was the most obvious thing.
I could just picture him on it right now, his face pulled up in a reckless grin, wearing a bad-ass leather jacket. It just suited him. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the image. It was so Sirius.
"A flying motorbike," I said again, not thinking. It just fit along with Sirius' personality. Flying + Motorbike Sirius. Not to mention it was so much more dangerous therefore more appealing to him.
Sirius eyes lit up like a child being rewarded with chocolate. "A flying motorbike," he said to James, nodding his head fiercely. He reminded me of an overly happy dog.
James was stunned into silence. His eyes were wide open, contemplating whether or not Sirius and I were lying to him. I couldn't face him or he'd know in an instant. I was already regretting saying anything; a flying motorbike? Come on, Lily. That was ridiculous. It'd never convince him.
James' eyebrows furrowed again. He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "A flying motorbike, huh?" Sirius nodded enthusiastically. I scolded myself; I had planted a seed of desire in his mind. Grrreeaaattt.
"What do you think, Prongs? Wouldn't it be great? You could see everything from up there. Imagine the roar of the engine, the wind in your hair. Amazing," he said, eyes going blurry from his vivid daydream. Again, if Sirius was found crashed into the tree somewhere, I had no one to blame but myself.
"Hmm," he said, hand still under his chin, eyebrows still furrowed. He looked down at the ground. "Hmm," he said, a smile gracing his features. I felt my heart speed up. Oh, man. "What exactly is a motorbike, Lily?" he asked, suddenly confused.
"What?!" asked Sirius, horror striking his face. "You don't know what a motorbike is, Prongs?!"
"Well, no," he said, somewhat embarrassed.
I laughed lightly. "That's all right, James. You were born and raised as a wizard. You aren't expected to know," I said, finding his embarrassment extremely adorable. "I'm curious though, Sirius," I said, turning to him. "How exactly do you know about motorbikes? Weren't you born and raised as a wizard, like James?" I asked him.
Instantly, his eyes turned dark. "No, not quite like James, Lily," he said, malice present in his voice. I could tell this was a touchy subject. I knew it was wrong to pry, but my curiosity deepened.
I looked over at James, wondering what his expression might have been. I knew he must have already known what this was about, being Sirius' best friend for seven years.
His wonderful face looked angry and sad. He looked over at Sirius in sympathy and sat down on an armchair.
"You see, Lily," he started. The expression in his eyes frightened me. "My family's not exactly what you would call, open-minded, I guess you could say," he said, eyes focused downward. I took a seat, intrigued.
"They don't really like anything not pure-blood," he said, angry. "You've had the pleasure of meeting my dearest younger brother, Regulus," he said, almost spitting the name.
Somehow, I wasn't shocked. The way Sirius was so —how would you say it— open-minded, I guess, about everything and everybody. The striking difference between him and his brother wasn't exactly a secret. But, I hadn't known the full story until now, I guess.
"My whole family's been in Slytherin since the first Black. Well, with the exception of me of course," he said, throwing me a smile. There was a hint of pride and smugness in his expression. "I liked that I was different. I liked rebelling from my parents and my heritage.
"One summer, I couldn't stand being in the same house as my family, being near all their talk about pure-bloods. I still don't. So, almost every day, I spent my time in the nearest Muggle village, eager to learn everything about them. They really liked that," he said, smiling without humour. "And there was this motorbike," he said, his expression changing, eyes now nostalgic. "It was beautiful. Sleek, black, fast. Just beautiful," he said, sighing.
With this story, he made it sound like the ridiculous Christmas wish I had come up with was true.
"How come you never told me about this motorbike before, Padfoot?" asked James.
Sirius shrugged. "I forgot until now," he said, truthfully. He smiled. "So, are you going to get me a motorbike, Prongs?" he asked, enthusiasm back in his voice, like we hadn't just had a terrible conversation about his family.
James ran his hand through his hair. Every time he did that, it made my fingers itch. Not necessarily in a bad way, like I wanted to hit him or anything; it was more of a desire to touch his hair…
"Er, one problem, Padfoot," he said, embarrassment returning. I smiled to myself. "I still don't know what it is," he said, scratching his head.
Sirius barked out a laugh. I noticed that there seemed to be more and more dog features about him. I had a strange urge to pat his head…er, forget I said that.
"You know what a bicycle is, don't you Prongs?" he asked him. "Remember Moony was trying to explain it to us…"
The mention of Moony's nickname triggered something in my brain. It had been something that I had been meaning to ask the Marauders for a long time, I just never got around to it. There was something fishy about their nicknames, not just the curious incidents that all seemed to happen in fifth year. There was a deeper significance to them, a deeper understanding that I did not know. Something happened in fifth year that made them all suddenly acquire nicknames for each other. Something.
"Lily? Lily…" said a voice I had no trouble recognizing.
"What?" I asked, looking up at his face. His hazel eyes searched mine.
"What do you think about the flying motorbike?" he asked, amused. He obviously liked Sirius' idea.
I scowled. "It's dangerous and reckless. I personally think it's the stupidest thing ever. And I don't want to hear another word about it," I said, looking at Sirius. I had almost forgotten about the reason I brought this up. To hide what I really wanted him to stop hinting at.
Sirius looked confused, but recovered. "Aw, come on, Lily. It's not so bad," he said. He was probably confused because I had been the one to request the idea in the first place. I cringed. Stupid.
James looked at me. "Why? Doesn't it seem fun?" he asked, excitement shining in his eyes.
I rolled my eyes. "Sure, if potentially killing yourself from falling through the sky if fun," I said, getting up from my seat. "I think you should stick with broomsticks, James," I told him. The sound of his name sent my heart into overdrive.
He frowned. "Really, I don't see the difference between the two," he said, staring at me with those eyes.
I lost my composure and regained it again in a second. "Motorbikes, especially flying ones, are not Ministry approved for all I know. Broomsticks, however dangerous they may be, are at least legal," I said.
The blokes smirked at the last word. "That hasn't stopped us before," muttered Sirius under his breath, so quietly, I almost didn't catch it.
I started to panic, deep inside. Legal. Were they doing something illegal? Something that could get them expelled? I almost started to hyperventilate.
"What?" I managed to get out, using all my force to stay cool.
"Just think of it, Lily," said James, an excited grin replacing the smirk. "If it's just as dangerous as a broomstick—which they aren't. Dangerous, I mean—then what's the difference if it's Ministry approved or not?" he asked.
I glared at him. "I'm not having this conversation," I said, Sirius' words still fresh in my mind.
I stalked off, hearing Sirius' laughter in the background. I still couldn't believe I was the one who suggested a flying motorbike for Merlin's sake. And what were they doing that was illegal? UGH. Stupid Marauders.
Adnsdfndjvmaskda.
"Lily, just drop it. Please," said Hailey's irritated voice.
I had been ranting and ranting about the Marauders and their stupid Marauder-ing antics for the past half hour. I thought I had gotten over their thick-headedness, but the word illegal kept drifting non-too-innocently into my head. I didn't care if they were my friends and I was crushing (very much) on one of them, they were still the stupidest blokes in this world. Well, besides Edward, that is.
"I can't, Hailey! I mean, ILLEGAL!" I repeated for the—er, I'd lost count…
"I heard you the first time, Lily," she sighed, rubbing her temples. "Just please stop shouting," she said.
I sat down stubbornly on my bed and crossed my arms over my chest. I felt like a five year old. "Fine," I said. "But illegal?!" I muttered under my breath. I couldn't let it go.
"D'you know what, Lily?" said Hailey, suddenly cheerful that I was no longer pacing the room in front of her and making her dizzy. She sprung herself off her bed and started pulling my arms. "Let's go take a walk around the castle. It'll help clear your head," she said, pulling me out the door.
I groaned, but didn't object. I had finished my homework already and was incredibly bored. Dinner wasn't for another hour and it would help to take my mind off things.
We were walking in silence; Hailey obviously couldn't take another second of my voice. I didn't want her to plead with me to stop again, so I didn't say anything. But, I still hadn't let it go. Stupid rule-breaking blokes with stupid, confusing nicknames. UGH.
And their nicknames. All my frustration from towards that subject was all bottled up because I couldn't rant about that to Hailey. She still didn't know about Remus and I wasn't exactly allowed to tell her. And if I didn't tell her, there would be no reason for her to be suspicious. It was all just a vicious circle of words dancing around me.
"Lily, I can tell by the horrid expression on your face that you're still thinking about it," said Hailey. "So, please stop. Just let it go. You know the Marauders wouldn't do anything stupid," she said lightly.
"Do I?" I muttered. "Stupid blokes."
Hailey sighed heavily. "Please, please don't worry about it. You know they're perfectly capable of handling themselves. They wouldn't do anything that could put them in serious danger," she said.
I seriously doubted that. Thoughts of flying motorbikes came whizzing through my mind…
"I don't care what you're thinking, Lily. I know you're thinking up something that would prove me wrong, but I don't care. I know they aren't doing anything stupid," said Hailey, extremely confident.
I rolled my eyes, then sighed. I guess I could at least pretend that they weren't doing anything stupid. Just turn a blind eye. It wasn't that big a deal, right?
We continued walking, the subject obviously dropped. We were going nowhere in particular, when suddenly, we heard very inappropriate noises. Cough. Cough. Very inappropriate.
"What is that?" asked Hailey, clearly disgusted.
I winced as it got louder, but continued walking. As Head Girl, I had to at least tell them to get a room or something. Really, it was that wrong.
"Ahem. Could you two—" I stopped mid-sentence. I had turned the corner leading to where the noises were coming from and my breath stopped coming. There, were the two people I couldn't possibly have hated more at the moment.
"Edward?!" I blurted, seeing the familiar bob of blond, pinning someone to a wall. He turned around to look at me and revealed the person he was so forcefully snogging.
"Emily?!" came Hailey's surprised tone from beside me.
I stared into the face of Emily Flounder. She was smiling at me serenely, but there was something else behind it, like she was judging my reaction. There was still something horribly off about her deep-set, dark blue eyes.
My eyes were probably as big as dinner plates, but I refused to let my mouth drop. As Hailey had said, many weeks ago, it was rude and bugs would fly in. So I kept it shut.
I gave a tiny cough as I looked into the crazed eyes of Emily and the dropped jaw of Edward, they're limbs tangled together. "As I was saying," I said, clearing my throat. "Could you two, er, find somewhere more private," I winced, "to do that, please?" Whoo, that was tough.
Emily seemed like she was expecting something entirely different and the corners of her mouth drooped. Edward now looked pained, like I had done something that he desperately wished I hadn't. I simply turned around and walked away with Hailey trailing on my heels.
Once Emily and Edward were out of earshot, Hailey pounced on me.
"You're not upset, are you, Lils? Because they're both motherfu—"
I gave her a sharp look, cutting off her profound language. Really, there was no need. "No, I'm not mad. I could care less actually. Edward is free to, er, make his mark on others now," I said, wincing slightly. The image disturbed me.
"But, you're not upset or anything? I mean, it's only been a couple days…" she said, uncertainly.
I rolled my eyes. I wasn't upset. It surprised me how much I didn't care. There was no aching in my chest, sadness, guilt, nothing. Just freedom from his grip. "I'm not upset. Besides, now I can fancy James properly without feeling guilty," I said. My voice sounded happy, but inside, I felt a small emotion of fear. Did I really want to fancy James freely?
This answer seemed to satisfy her and she beamed at me. "So, you're going to tell him, then?"
The idea of it sent her into excited skipping, a grin spreading across her face. For me, it made my heart beat uncomfortably fast. It panicked me and I struggled to keep my breathing even. Tell him? NOW? No, no, no, no, no. I couldn't.
I shook my head quickly as a panicked look overtook my face. I stared at Hailey and she seemed shocked by my reaction.
"No?!" she asked me. "Lily, why not?" she asked me.
"I'm not ready yet," I said, gulping air down.
"Lily, stop being ridiculous. What is there to be ready for?" she asked me, disappointed.
Truthfully, I was waiting for it to pass. All these silly emotions would slowly dissipate and I would no longer have this absurd crush. It was just a faze anyways, wasn't it? Everyone got it eventually; I was just a little late.
I wondered if I continued to tell myself that, it would actually sound convincing.
"Lily? You blanked on me again," she said sighing.
I laughed nervously. "The time will come," I said. "Maybe it'll even pass before I even tell him. So, I won't really have to tell him at all," I said, talking too fast.
Hailey seemed horrified. "Lily, that will never happen. I will MAKE SURE you tell him before it passes. Which I doubt it will," she said, her too high confidence coming back.
I sighed. I wasn't going to win this.
"See, I knew you would believe me," she said smugly. "You'll tell him," she said.
Adnsdfndjvmaskda.
Sirius stopped hinting. I couldn't help but let my relief flood my face. He sat with James like normal and Hailey sat with me.
James seemed…odd. He seemed to notice there was a change in Sirius, as well, but he wasn't as enthusiastic. He almost seemed like he was disappointed Sirius had stopped, but relieved all the same. It was all very confusing, to say the least.
"Lily, we have patrols tomorrow," he said to me at lunch.
I nodded and kept my face normal, although my heart lurched. I thought about the two hours I'd be spending with him alone at night since I figured out that I fancied him. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Sirius seemed to notice my small episode and smirked at me from across the table. I glared at him and he grinned back. Stupid wanker.
And there was that one thing that about the nicknames that was still bothering me. There had to be some kind of double meaning behind it. Moony obviously meant his condition of being a werewolf and not a strange obsession with the moon. And I still highly doubted that they all happened in fifth year. It was too coincidental.
"Why are you brooding, Lily?" asked James from across me.
I looked up from my mashed around food into his hazel eyes. I was momentarily too shocked to speak. I really had to get over this crush thing quickly. "I—I'm not brooding," I said, glowering at him.
He raised an eyebrow at my expression and stared back.
Eventually, my angry resolve faded at the concerned look in his warm eyes. I sighed and went back to mashing my food.
"Lily, what's bothering you?" he asked again, making my head rise to meet his gaze.
I stared at his face. There was confusion and worry in his expression. I couldn't tell him. Not now, at least. But if we were alone, I didn't know if I could stop myself from letting everything loose.
I smiled at him weakly. "It's nothing, really," I said. He wasn't convinced. "I'm just not hungry," I added as an excuse to my plate.
He still didn't buy it, but let me be. It was a pathetic excuse, I know, but I couldn't tell him now. I knew if I was ever going to bring up the nicknames, it couldn't be around the other Marauders. I knew it wouldn't work. Their united front would definitely destroy my scepticism, and I couldn't let that happen because I knew there was something else.
Adnsdfndjvmaskda.
"Lily, could you please pay attention when I'm talking to you?" asked Hailey.
I looked up at her, grimacing an apology. She didn't seem to be angry, just a little peeved. "Sorry, Hailey," I said, looking at her.
"Okay, what's wrong with you today?" she asked me. "You seem, almost nervous," she asked me, staring at my quill, moving back and forth through my fingers.
"Nervous?" I asked her, giving an anxious laugh. "Nah," I said, denying it.
She gave me a tired look. "Lily," she said, fed up.
I sighed. "There're patrols tonight," I told her, not able to hold it in any longer.
She gave me a sympathetic look. "Don't worry about it, Lily. It'll be fine," she insisted.
I grimaced, not truly believing her. I was still trying to think of ways to bring up the subject of nicknames because it had to be tonight. I didn't know when I'd be able to ask him again, next week was too far away. And this could end several ways.
Option #1:
After I asked him about the nicknames, he could get defensive and call me rude for prying. Then I would apologize and he would (hopefully…) forgive me. Then, we'd stop talking about it.
Option #2:
After I asked him about the nicknames, he would deny it and laugh it off. He would defend their stories about the prong-in-the-arse, pad-on-the-foot and worm-as-a-tail. I would ask him about "Moony" and he would say that they decided all of them needed nicknames and the situations just happened to appear.
Option #3:
He would tell me flat out what was going on, with much persuasion on my part. Then he would spill all of their Marauder-ing secrets and I would be disappointed. James would apologize profusely for all his wrong doings and I would (obviously) forgive him.
Okay, so maybe Option #3 was a bit farfetched, but a girl could hope, couldn't she? I was sort of preparing to expect Option #2, but I didn't like it. It was so like the Marauders to keep their secrets amongst themselves, which made sense. But that couldn't stop me from being curious. And Option #1, it just wasn't like James. He wouldn't get defensive of all things that could happen, and I knew that.
As I trudged down to the Common Room at 8:55, I kept thinking about what I was going to say, but I still had nothing. I couldn't exactly prance up to him and say, "Say, James. There's something fishy about your nicknames. Tell me," because that would simply be rude. And I definitely wasn't going to go up to him and say, "I don't believe you got pronged in the arse. Show me." I just shivered at the thought. Erlack. I was afraid that if I didn't think of something soon, I'd end up saying that or something else equally embarrassing. I shuddered.
I sat down on an armchair, eyebrows pulled together in thought. If I wasn't thinking so hard, I would have noticed the footsteps coming towards me, or the dark shadow forming from behind the chair.
"Lily, time to go," he said softly, but it still managed to sprout goose-bumps down my arms. I was disgusted with myself; it was starting to get irritating, this crush business.
I nodded, recovering from my little fright and stood up. I followed his tall figure to the Portrait, holding it open for me as I passed. I was still too nervous to say thanks, so I gave him a smile. His returning one made my heart flutter. I scowled.
James chucked. "You always have an upset expression on your face, Lily. Cheer up," he said, nudging my arm lightly.
"I have a lot on my mind," I muttered, peeved at my stupid body reactions. It disgusted me how girly I was acting. Ugh.
"Like what?" he asked, curiously.
I sighed and let my face relax a little. "There's a lot," I said, warning him.
"I can take it, Lils," he said.
"Please don't call me 'Lils'," I said, making a face. "Too many bad memories," I said, thinking about 'Tuney.
He gave me a look. "Like what?" he asked, curious.
I glared in front of me. "My sister," I said. I didn't give him a chance to answer because the shortened form of my name gave me an idea. "Speaking of nicknames…" I started.
He gave me a side-long glance. "What about them?" he asked.
I hesitated. What now? "Er, well you know your nicknames in particular…" I said. I couldn't even finish my sentences, how pathetic.
"Yes…?" he asked me.
"There's something more to them, isn't there?" I asked him, looking into his curious face.
The moment of truth. Either Option #1, 2, or 3.
He laughed. So far, we were heading towards Option #2. I was disappointed and let it show on my face. "You're a smart one, Lily Evans," he mumbled under his breath, but not quiet enough that I couldn't hear it.
That wasn't planned. "Pardon?" I asked him, not quite sure if I heard right.
He looked up at me. "Why would you think that?" he asked me, genuinely curious.
I hesitated again. Would he turn towards Option #1? I was scared to find out, but my longing to know the secret was too overpowering.
"Well, I thought of Moony," I said, judging his expression. It hadn't changed. "And his condition. That's what his nickname refers to, right?" I asked him. Part of me wanting him to say no, but a bigger part wanted me to be right and to reveal the huge secret the Marauders revolved around.
To my surprise (again), he sighed. He wasn't denying it or laughing or spilling his secrets either. Was there an Option #4?
"Yes," he said simply.
I continued to pry. "And yours? Prongs? Did you really get pronged in the arse?" I asked him, not taking my eyes away from his face, afraid I'd miss a fleeting look that would give him away.
He didn't respond, but took a long, deep breath. He turned to look at me. "Not exactly," he said, wincing. "But, Sirius did," he said, chuckling at the memory.
My heart beat faster. I blamed it on the excitement on discovering something, refusing to encourage the crush. But if Padfoot got pronged in the arse, wouldn't that make him Prongs? Oh, whatever. I'd figure it out eventually.
"And Padfoot? What of that?" I asked him.
He tapped his chin. "No, it was toilet paper from the men's lavatory," he said, laughing again.
My eyebrows pulled together. "Wormtail?" I asked him.
"It's hard to say," he said, thinking hard. "It's definitely a possibility, but I couldn't be sure if it really happened," he said. He turned to me and smiled a crooked grin. My breath caught. "Satisfied?" he asked me.
My eyes widened. "Hardly," I said. If anything, I was MORE curious. I knew there was something else now that I knew the stories behind them were bogus. I was so close, I could smell the sweet smell of victory. It smelled quite good.
Oh, never mind. That was me standing too close to James. Must stop that.
"There's still something else, James," I said. He didn't answer. Just kept looking ahead, smiling. "Remus' has to do with his condition, right? You don't all have a condition, do you?" I asked him, not able to imagine all four boys having a dangerous, horrid, painful condition. I shuddered at the thought. That would be terrible. A nightmare.
James laughed. It was a sound that relaxed me out of the fear I was feeling. "I wouldn't say condition exactly. It's more of what we are," he said, smiling at me, like I'd missed some sort of joke.
I was probably even more confused than before. That didn't make any sense. And he wasn't sticking to the Options. It was all very frustrating. I didn't like his constant riddle speaking. He must find another way to talk.
"What you are? What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him, frustration evident in my voice. "So you are some kind of fork, then," I muttered, angry that I wasn't getting any closer to figuring this out than I had before.
He laughed louder than before. "I promise you I'm no fork, Lily," he said, still laughing. "But, I am something. And that, I can guarantee," he said. I could almost see the shimmer in his eyes, even in the dark.
Well, we weren't getting anywhere. He was a prong. Whatever that meant. "Are you a royal pain in the arse? Pronging people in their sides with your annoying little self?" I asked him, extremely irritated at the rate I was going on figuring this out.
He laughed again. "Now, now, Lily. Be nice. I can't possibly be that bad," he said, rolling his hazel eyes. (I had managed to stop attaching the word 'hazel' when I thought of 'eyes' for a while, but it had managed to return. Damn crush.)
I sighed. No, he really wasn't that bad. He just happened to be here when I was frustrated. "No, you aren't," I said. He laughed. "Do Padfoot and Wormtail refer to what Sirius and Peter are, too?" I asked him.
He nodded, happy. "But, I probably shouldn't be telling you this," he said, thoughtful. "Marauder business and all," he said. Then he shrugged.
"Well, why are you telling me this?" I asked him. "I thought Marauders didn't reveal their secrets," I said, rolling my eyes. It was sounding like they were a gang of Muggle magician. I remembered my eighth birthday when my mother hired a magician at my party and how I thought it was real magic. I'd like to see his face if I could show him what I could do now.
He shrugged again. "Even if I did tell you this, you still wouldn't figure it out," he said, indifferent.
I suddenly started to panic again. That one little word was bouncing across my head, gaining speed. "It's not illegal, is it, James?" I whispered.
James seemed to stiffen. He didn't answer.
His silence frightened me. Before, I was angry at the thought of them doing something illegal. Now, it scared me half to death.
"If it is," I said, quietly. "Don't tell me. Just don't get caught, okay, James? I don't want you getting expelled or anything," I finished, panic continuing to grow.
When he responded, it was just as quiet. "Don't worry. If we were caught, we wouldn't get expelled," he said.
The words alone would have been enough to calm me, but the way he said it made me more panicked. It sounded like something worse would happen if they were caught. Like getting expelled was the least of their worries. My mind fabricated the thought of Dementors. I couldn't help it. I was scared.
My breathing started to quicken. The thought of James in Azkaban was just too terrifying. I wasn't sure if it was because of my stupid crush or because the thought of anybody in Azkaban was terrifying. I didn't want to differentiate between the two, it was too disturbing.
James seemed to notice the edge of hyperventilation. "Are you all right, Lily?" he asked me, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I didn't look at him and nodded. "Just don't—" I wasn't quite sure what to say, because now I was almost positive that they were doing something illegal. "Don't get caught. Or hurt," I said, quietly. Both ideas were just too much to bear. If anything happened…
He seemed to hesitate a little before pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. Surprisingly, the pressure felt good and I sighed so only I could hear.
"I probably shouldn't have told you all that," he said, the sound of his voice making his chest vibrate. "But, don't worry, Lily. We're all safe," he said in a strained voice.
I couldn't help but believe him. Despite his tone of voice, I felt calmed. He let go of me eventually, claiming that we couldn't stand here for the next hour and a half. I disagreed with him; I definitely could. He was very warm. And comfortable.
URG. He just made it worse. Hugging me was a very, very bad idea for someone who had a crush on him and trying to get rid of it. Very bad. It made me want to fancy him just so I could enjoy his arms around me. Stupid, stupid.
The patrol seemed to go by too fast for my liking. As much as I wanted to deny it, I was having far too much fun and I didn't want it to end. I loved spending time with him. Just him. It made me feel happy. It helped me to relax and let my mind sleep for a bit while my feelings took over. It was a relief to have him around.
We said goodnight and I went up to my dormitory, still smiling. I realized that I liked James far too much for me to not like him. It wasn't just a faze I was going through, I really did like him. It was what I wanted and not what I thought was logical. Because love wasn't logical. It was stupid. But who cares? It felt good.
A/N: CHAPTER 10! finally...
Sorry for the long wait, I didn't have as much drive to finish this chapter as fast as the last, I'm sorry. I hope you liked it though, a relief from the cliffhanger from last chapter, wasn't it? And since many of you didn't like that last time, I've decided not to put one in this chapter although it's just so much fun for me.
Anyways, I've written a small one-shot called A Lack of Something. It's told from George Weasley's 3rd person point of view and what its was like after DH. I won't say anymore just in case of spoilers, but really, if you haven't read the book yet, what the hell are you doing on Fanfiction? Anyways, go check it out. Please :D
If you're getting a bit bored with the one-plotted story, maybe you could give some suggestions for some sub-plots...it would be greatly appreciated. Although nothing clichéd, if you know what I mean. Just something to shake it up a little. I'm highly uncreative...
I'm pretty sure you all know what to do now, but I shall give you a little reminder anyways...
REVIEW! XD
Thanks ;)