And every time I've tried to be
What someone else thought of me
So caught up I wasn't able to achieve

But deep in my heart
The answer, it was in me
And I made up my mind
To define my own destiny

-The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, Lauryn Hill

Andrew Clark never, ever thought his life would come to this, but by the end of the first week of his junior year, one thing was very clear to him: he was beginning to wish he were more like John Bender.

He wished he had Bender's confidence. He wished he didn't care what other people thought of him, and that he had the rebelliousness that could make him okay with being alone sometimes, like Bender. And most of all, he wished he had Bender's courage so he could tell people to fuck off, or to kiss his ass, the way Bender had no problem doing. Sure, Andy could say the occasional snippy comment to someone whose opinion didn't matter to him, but he'd never have the guts to do it when it came to the people he cared about—the people who mattered to him, even when he knew they really didn't really care about him and their opinions shouldn't matter.

The one thing that had gone well was telling the other three members of the Breakfast Club at breakfast that Tuesday morning. Claire had been in shock at first, but then she told him she completely understood. She even gave him a hug. Bender, to Andy's surprise, looked almost proud of him. "No shit, Sporto? Way to show some fucking balls, man." Bender said, patting Andy on the back.

Coming from Bender, a boy who definitely understood what it was like to have some serious father issues, that was about as great a compliment as Andy could hope for.

Allison didn't say much of anything, as expected, but Andy could tell she wanted to by the way she looked at him. She looked both surprised and proud. And confused. He wasn't sure why.

But he did catch her exchanging a few looks with Brian. Brian looked like he was almost pleading with her and Allison was looking back at him uncomfortably. Andrew wondered if this had anything to do with Brian trying to convince him to call Allison the night before.

He didn't tell them the other half of things. He didn't tell them about his family losing its one source of major income. He didn't want Claire's pity, or Bender's snarky comments about him not being accepted by Shermer's popular and elite anymore (or something equally asinine), and he definitely didn't want to be that vulnerable in front of the cold person that Allison had become, to him, again. Not when she had shut down on him and wouldn't return his vulnerability.

He himself exchanged a look with Brian. Brian gave him a dorky shrug, showing that he understood that Andy didn't want to mention the other thing he'd shared with Brian that night. He knew he could trust Brian not to say anything. Andy knew that Brian could tell he was a little embarrassed, and that made Andy embarrassed by his own embarrassment.

But he'd needed to talk to someone, and to be honest, Brian was the only one he'd have been able to share that with. He couldn't even talk about it with his own brothers, because they were basically clones of his father. They'd only tell him to toughen up. So he was happy to at least have Brian to talk to, or he'd go crazy.

Especially considering that the Breakfast Club's support of him had basically been almost the only good thing in his week.

Andrew had tried to remain hopeful about his friends' supporting him when they found out, but even he wasn't stupid enough to think he wouldn't catch some grief for dropping wrestling and football, and for no longer being able to go to some of the social events his friends went to.

Andy was able to avoid it all on Tuesday by taking different routes to his classes and avoiding jock hall all together. He didn't want anyone asking him questions about why he hadn't been at practice on Monday. He figured that after he talked to Coach Fuller at lunch, he'd just let Coach tell them. He knew it was the cowardly thing to do, but there it was. Maybe he should just quit even trying and just embrace his cowardice.

And then Wednesday came. And with it, time to face reality.

Some of the jocks were waiting for him at his locker that morning. Andy cursed under his breath upon seeing them.

Stubbie, his best friend, was the first to cut to the chase. "What gives, Clark? You on drugs or something?" he asked.

Andy rolled his eyes. "No, man." He pushed past all of them to get to his locker.

"So, what? You're just not going to explain it to us? Why you quit on us like that? And didn't even tell us?" Will badgered him.

Andrew huffed. "Look, man. I'm sorry about that. But I just couldn't do it anymore. Wrestling just isn't for me anymore. Football, either."

His friends looked at him, dumbfounded. "But you're Andy Clark. You're our star wrestler. That's who you are. How can you just give it up?" Another of the jocks, Brock, asked.

"Because I just don't want to do it, anymore! Why is that so hard to understand?" Andy snapped at them.

"Is this about your dad? Look, I know he can be kind of a hardass sometimes, but that's no reason to throw your whole future away." Stubbie argued.

"That's the whole point." Andy said, with the same aggression in his voice that he'd originally used on Bender in detention, "I'm trying to tell you that I don't want wrestling and football to be my future."

The boys looked at him as if he were speaking a foreign language. "So, if you're not going to be Andy the wrestling star, just who do you think you're going to be? What are you going to do with yourself?" Brock asked.

"Well, I'm still me. That's not all I am." Again, they gave him the blank stare. He sighed. "Besides, I'm still going to do baseball."

His friends laughed at that. "Baseball? Who cares about the baseball team? They're not real jocks like us. We don't invite them to our parties and hang out with them. You're not going to be popular being on the baseball team." Dan laughed. The other boys laughed and nodded in agreement.

Andy was not amused. "So, what are you guys saying? That just because I quit some stupid high school wrestling team then I'm just going to be a nobody at this school? That I'm not cool enough to hang out with you guys anymore?" He asked angrily.

Will met his eyes. "What we're saying, Clark, is that you need to come to your senses. Don't throw away your standing at this school, and your future after you leave this school. What we're saying is that we'll give you time to get your head on straight. But I really don't see what you'll have in common with us anymore, if you don't. Especially if this is about some freak chick who's probably convinced you to do this," Will challenged, letting Andy know once and for all that he definitely knew something about Andy and Allison.

Dan shook his head, looking almost sympathetic. "Look, Clark, we get it, man. Those freak witch bitches are probably real good at sex, but that's no reason to go all weird and ruin your future. Especially over some little one night stand slut you can't even be seen with in public."

Dan was an even bigger jerk than Andy had originally thought after the Claire fiasco. Andy couldn't take it anymore. He pushed Dan as hard as he could, almost knocking him to the ground.

"You don't even know her! Don't you talk about her that way! You don't talk to her, you don't look at her, and you don't even think about her!" He yelled, using the same menacing words he'd used on Bender in detention.

Dan collected himself, knowing that he'd never be able to take Andy, the former star jock. "You're done, Clark! Finished! Consider yourself a nobody at this school, as of now. You've turned on us." Will said, interjecting between Andy and Dan, and sounding a lot like his sister Charlotte.

Andy couldn't have cared less. He slammed his locker shut as the jocks walked away from him and out of his life. Stubbie hesitated a second, looking like he was debating whether or not to go along with the group or stick by Andy, before following off behind the others.

But then by lunch time, Andy realized the damage he'd done. Sure, he'd hoped that his friends would at least be somewhat understanding, but now he realized how he was almost glad to be finished with them and all their meaningless bullshit. He no longer had to be a bully to fit in and then go home every night crying to himself about the guilt. He no longer had to listen to mind-numbing conversations and spend his weekends either alone or out with these immature, mean, boys wishing he were alone. So, there was at least that relief.

But, what was he going to do now? Who was he going to eat lunch with? In a matter of minutes, he'd gone from being one of the most popular boys in school to not having any friends at all.

Well, that wasn't true. He did have friends. He had Claire, and Bender, and Brian, and even Allison. But that wouldn't change his loneliness at school.

Sure, he no longer had to worry about being afraid to be seen with Allison or Brian in school, but that didn't mean they'd want to be seen with him. Especially Brian. Andy knew Brian's friends probably wouldn't accept him, and he didn't want to put Brian in an awkward position. And awkward was definitely what it would be if he tried to spend time alone with Allison now that they were broken up. Andy didn't even think Allison would want him to.

And it wasn't like he could eat lunch with any of them. Claire still sat at the rich girl table, and Andy didn't think he'd fit in with them. Besides, there was only so much talk about girly stuff that he'd be able to take. And eating with a bunch of girls would be almost as uncomfortable as eating alone. He could eat with Brian and Bender outside, but somehow he didn't feel up to trying that either. They'd never invited him to join them. And if they'd wanted him out there, he was sure that they'd have invited him by now. Although he'd always been a little bitter about not being included, he didn't think it was right to intrude or invite himself in case he wasn't wanted.

Besides, Brian might be in the library during lunch. And if he was there studying, Andy certainly didn't want to disturb him.

Andy sighed. There was only one choice left. He'd just eat alone in his car.

Andy headed out to his truck with his lunch. He couldn't believe what he'd been reduced to.

As he climbed in and started on his sandwich, he looked up out his front window, where he had a clear view of the front of the school.

Walking across the parking lot and away from the school was Saidie Heyer. Andy couldn't help but be curious about what she was doing. He had just assumed she'd be eating with Bender and Brian.

Not only was he curious, but he figured it'd be a nice thing to do to reach out to her and get to know her, especially considering that Brian had been so nice to him.

It also helped that Brian's words from last night were in his head, about Saidie not fitting any high school cliques or stereotypes, and how she'd been nice to Andy when she met him, despite what he'd done to her friend Larry.

Before he could even think about what he was doing, he'd honked the horn, trying to get Saidie's attention.

She almost jumped out of her skin and looked in his direction. He wasn't sure if she saw him or realized who he was, so he stuck his head out of the window and waved.

She could see him now, and she smiled at him. "Hi, Andrew!" she said, and began to walk over to his car.

Andy could already tell why Brian and Bender liked her so much. She had only met him twice, and before that she'd found out what a jerk he was, but not only did she remember his name, but she looked pleasant and welcoming toward him. Andy didn't think he'd have remembered the name of someone he only met briefly twice, if it weren't for the fact that he'd heard Brian talk about her so much. But maybe that was part of his problem.

She walked over to the driver window. "Hey, what's up?" she said.

"Hi, Saidie. What are you up to? How come you're not headed to the cafeteria for lunch?"

"Oh, nothing. Um, I never eat in the cafeteria. Usually my dad picks me up and I eat with him in his office at the church, or I walk home and eat with my mom if she's there, or alone. You know, since I don't live very far away. Bender used to come with me, but he doesn't do that anymore. How come you're not in the cafeteria with your friends?"

So, Bender and Brian hadn't included Saidie in their lunches together, either. That made Andy feel slightly better, considering that she was Bender's closest friend and she and Brian were dating.

Andy blushed. "Well, that's the thing. They're not my friends anymore. We kind of had a fight. So I came out here to eat in my car. Pretty lame, I know." He said, looking down.

Saidie looked at him sympathetically. "Oh," she said. "That sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you make up with your friends soon." She said sincerely.

Andy shook his head. "I doubt that." Then he had an idea. "Do you want to eat lunch with me?" he asked, looking hopeful.

Saidie looked at him with that warm smile of hers. "Cool! Um, we could go to my house, if you want."

"You don't have to do that. I know you don't know me very well, and if your mom's home she might think it's weird for some strange boy to show up. You can share my lunch." He offered. He didn't add that he'd spent the night at her boyfriend's house, and that Brian was the one who'd packed him a lunch today, taking extra care to make sure it was as packed as it always was and full of the hearty foods Andy always ate.

"Cool, thanks!" Saidie said again, and Andy motioned for her to hop in his truck. She did.

A/N And there we have it. That's all for now. Next up: Saidie and Andy get to know each other,Brian has a heart to heart with Allison, and Charlotte causes trouble.