James

Teddy disappeared from the window and James waited. He wondered how long he would have to wait for. He was supposed to be back on Apothecary training in the morning, and he hadn't done the studying yet. He couldn't even think about that, though, not now. There was nothing in his head but Teddy. Every time he tried to focus on something else it faded away and left only Teddy: his face, his voice, his body and their one night.

Draco Malfoy had been amused by James. He had fooled him well, James had really thought that Mr Malfoy knew about his Dad walking in on them, that all he had wanted was James' excuses before he let him chase after Teddy. He hoped hard that he hadn't caused any trouble for Teddy in telling. Briefly, he felt a pang of guilt at the embarrassment that Malfoy knowing would cause his father. Only briefly, though. His heart was still hard against Harry.

He stared into the grime on the window glass, trying to make out Teddy's shape within it, but getting nothing. Tiredness began to pull at his dry eyelids and his breath deepened. He resigned himself to sitting down on Teddy's doorstep for as long as it took. Then the door opened.

Teddy looked rough, but James' heart leaped. He tried to pull back the grin which hurt his cheeks, but he couldn't. Their eyes met and the world stopped. Time stopped. Until Teddy asked, "What the fuck are you playing at, James Potter? What's your game?"

"I love you." It sounded stupid but it was the only thought in James' head so he said it.

Teddy looked down and shook his head. His chin was stubbled with mousey-brown hair, and James had the odd thought that he'd like to see that in turquoise or pink. He didn't know what else to say. Why would there be anything else to say?

"What more do you want from me?" Teddy asked.

Everything and all of him, of course, but James didn't dare to tell Teddy that because there was resentment in his beloved's tone already. Instead he decided to tell his tale as he saw it.

"As soon as you'd gone, I packed my bags and set off trying to find you. I love you, Teddy, like I said. I always have had. Well, for years. If Dad doesn't like it then he can... I don't know. He can do what he likes." James took a deep breath. He hadn't really thought about his father, not properly, he had been too busy hating him. "I reckon Mum'll talk him round, though. I think she gets it."

"Gets what?"

"Well, you know. Us."

"There's no us! Merlin knows why you seduced me, but I've ended up-"

"Don't you know why?" James wanted to stamp in frustration like a toddler. "I keep fucking telling you, Teddy Lupin!"

"That you love me?" Teddy looked doubtful.

"Can I come in? Can we discuss this sitting down indoors? I've spent the last two days looking for you. Don't leave me on the doorstep."

"I don't trust you."

James' heart plummeted. He wondered whether he was going to cry, and if he did whether that would make things worse or better. He picked up his bag and swung it onto his shoulder. Maybe he should shrink it again. He didn't want to go. He didn't have anywhere that he could go to. Home was out of the question. He stared at the weeds growing through the path for a while, then looked up into Teddy's eyes. He wanted to read the truth there, to see if there was any hope for him at all.

After several seconds, Teddy said, "I don't trust me."

James didn't know what that meant. He waited.

"If I touch you again, my life will collapse again."

"I love you," James repeated.

Teddy laughed bitterly and shook his head. "Why would anybody do that?"

James was incredulous. Why didn't everybody love Teddy? That was his question. In fact, he frequently suspected that they did.

"Because... because you're..." he didn't know how the sentence ended. There was no way to distil what Teddy was into mere words. He wanted to kiss Teddy, but that would just confirm Teddy's paranoia. He seemed to think that James was using sex to destroy him. James couldn't think of a single way to prove him wrong.

"I think you'd better go," Teddy said. He didn't shut the door, though.

"I think I'd better come in," James said bravely. Hell, he had nothing left to lose. "In fact I think I ought to move in. I think that's what you really want, too." He didn't think that, not at all, but by saying it he hoped to make it so. "I can't go home, after all. I need a place to live. I want to live with you." His voice choked which was bloody annoying. "I don't want to live without you. Not anymore."

"What?" Teddy's expression was unreadable.

"I spent too many years pining for you. I don't have the strength. Not now, not after we've tried." He flung his bag down again. "Was I crap in bed? Is that it? 'Cos I could learn-"

"Don't be stupid! You were far too... polished! Too practised! That's one of the reasons why I can't believe in it."

"I told you I wasn't a virgin. I didn't think you'd want me to be. Merlin, I'm not a kid." James looked around. They were in the middle of a field, but still. "I don't want to talk about this out here."

Teddy stepped back. "You'd better come inside." He stared at James as he walked in. Then he frowned. "Do your parents know where you are?"

"Of course not."

"Circe. You are a kid. Don't you think they'll be worried?" The frown deepened. "They'll blame me, you twat."

"Mum won't. She knows why I've gone."

Teddy closed the door. It was surprisingly cold and dark away from the sun. "Your dad's a good man."

"He's a homophobe."

"He's done a lot for me. This doesn't seem like a decent way to repay him."

"What doesn't seem like a decent way to repay him? What is this?" James looked into Teddy's eyes. It hurt, he wanted to kiss him so much. He held back.

Teddy sighed. "Owl them and you can stay. For a while."

James grinned. "I'll Patronus. It'll be quicker."

"He's going to kill me."

"He'll get over it," James said, not really believing it, but knowing it was what Teddy needed to hear.

"We're talking. Just talking. You get your own separate room. Do you understand?"

"Sure," James replied. But he knew how to do it now. He was sure he was going to be able to seduce Teddy again. And then, after he'd impressed him in bed a few more times, then he was certain, just absolutely certain, that he could make Teddy love him back.