Chapter 10: At What Cost, Freedom?
(Thanks so much to Sariniste, Mina Kye and Picklez80 for the lovely reviews! This is moving into its climax, but first some reconciliation and next chapter, some loving, then danger, okay? LOL Enjoy the chapter! Love Spunky)
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We all want freedom...to breathe the fresh, clean air, to walk where we will, to think and act as we must. But even as we spread our wings for flight, we know that opening the door to flying brings the risk of a great fall. Freedom is flight, and flight danger. So by choosing freedom, we choose danger.
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Tetsuya opened his eyes and blinked to clear his fogged vision. He found himself in an unfamiliar room, resting in a comfortable bed. But a quick assessment told him that, not only was the room surrounded by a barrier, a limiter had been placed on his powers, allowing for only enough reiatsu flow to support his pregnancy. Food and drink had been placed on the table. But although he sensed Aizen's reiatsu, the man was not in the room.
He is furious, of course, Tetsuya thought, gazing at the closed door, I wonder if he will ever forgive me. I wonder if I can forgive myself. What if I had lost our child?
He remembered then their forgotten nuptials...abandoned amidst his medical emergency.
I wonder if he has reconsidered. This strikes too close to home for him. History could well have repeated itself...something I must keep in mind as I move forward from this. Sousuke Aizen entrusted his heart to me, and with my determination to do anything to clear his name, I placed his heart in danger of being broken again.
But my own heart will not let me give this up.
What is this drive inside me to see his name cleared? Perhaps it is as he says, and it is not necessary. But leaving things as they are means always looking over one shoulder and never letting our guard down for a moment. I don't want that for us...for our child to have to live a life in hiding. It is too much like a prison. And I have spent enough days of my life confined.
He swallowed hard, looking at the walls of the room and seeing the bars of a prison all around him. They seemed to close in on him, and the air seemed to freeze and fill with the unpleasant smells he remembered. Tetsuya wrapped his arms around himself and pulled his knees up to his chest, taking quick, panting breaths and fighting back tears. Memories loomed up in his mind, coming to life before his widened eyes and tearing at his heart.
No! I cannot be back in this place!
He stared at the bars all around him, willing them to turn back into the room he knew he had been in.
Oh, kami, was I just dreaming everything? Was it all in my mind? Am I really still here? Oh gods, what is wrong with me?
He left the bed and curled into a small corner of the room, his back pressed against the wall, and glad for the darkness around him.
For all of those years, the corners of my cell, the cloak of darkness...those were my safety. They concealed me from the eyes of the passing guards. And I prayed that, out of sight, I would be out of their minds. But there was always one pair of eyes that could find me...
"But he is dead now." Tetsuya whispered, "Orochi is dead now."
Orochi's wicked laugh echoed softly through the cellblock, sending a chill through Tetsuya's thin body. He blinked back the tears that came to his eyes and shivered inwardly. Naoki's fingers entwined with his, reminding him that he was not alone. And with the touch of those gentle fingers on his, Tetsuya's tears faded instantly.
Because when Orochi came to their cellblock, it was one of them that he came for. And if the choice was to be beaten or to know that his friend would be, Tetsuya could stomach the beatings without shedding a tear, without feeling a shred of embarrassment at crying out in pain. He would do anything for Naoki...anything.
He heard Orochi's footsteps slow and come to a stop outside their cells. Naoki's fingers tightened on his. Their eyes met in the darkness, and Tetsuya's went wide with disbelief as he realized that the one looking back at him was not Naoki, but Sousuke Aizen.
"Sousuke!" he gasped, staring.
"So which one of you will it be today?" asked Orochi.
But the voice was no longer Orochi's. The voice was different...one Tetsuya had never heard while awake, but only in his oddest dreams, whispering things to him. He had seen the man's face there, as he dreamt...his tall, slender body, shining, shoulder length brown hair accented with a simple gold circlet, finely sculpted features, light skin...and his eyes, brown...brown like...
"You then," the man said, "You come with me."
He started to unlock Aizen's cell.
"Wait!" Tetsuya cried, stepping out of the shadows, "I will go with you!"
The man stopped and looked into his eyes.
Tetsuya stared back, his heart in his throat and sickness rising in his stomach. He couldn't draw breath as the man looked at him and smiled. A soft hand reached through the bars and caressed his cheek.
"You? You will come with me?" he asked, a strange glow emanating from his eyes and sinking down into Tetsuya's, freezing him in place, connecting the two, opening pathways that he hadn't known existed.
Hadn't known...and couldn't have dreamed of in his worst nightmares.
"Who are you?" he asked the man breathlessly.
The man looked back at him, still smiling.
"I am the one who is waiting for you. I have been with you since your first day, and I will be with you until your last. Come, now. Come with me."
The cell door opened, and Tetsuya stepped out, reaching out to accept the hand that the man extended in his direction. But as he moved, a strong hand wrapped around his other wrist, stopping him. Tetsuya froze between the two as both spoke to him at once. Most of the words they said were the same and spoken together.
"You belong to me," they both said.
But where Aizen called him by the name he knew...
The other man called him Mitsuru.
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Sousuke Aizen sat in a chair in the living area of the small safe house, brooding over the young noble who laid, entrapped within the protective barrier. He didn't spend a moment thinking that he was wrong, either in his thinking about the situation or what he had done to protect Tetsuya. What nagged at him was the sudden distance between them.
In the years following Yasu's death, how many times did I coldly say that reliance on another person was a sign of weakness? I believed that loving Yasu, relying on him and laying the foundation of my happiness, my contentedness on our love, had been a mistake.
But this person...this half blood from out of the ruins of an old prison made me rethink that. And now, there is no more thinking to be done. Once we laid down together in Las Noches, this child was made, and all chances to leave Tetsuya disappeared. I tried to leave him behind, yes. But our souls have been bonded together by our love, and our lives are entwined by this child. And now, it is a matter of keeping us all alive, despite the ones who would make an end to us if they could.
Does he really think that exposing the council's corruption and using that to have my conviction overturned is going to somehow erase what I've done? I am guilty of every crime they accused me of, and a few they didn't. I deserve for them to call me a heartless bastard and to tie me in leather bindings and lock me away. I can't guarantee that I would not lie, cheat steal, maim or kill again. Doing those things is nothing to me if it protects what I hold dear.
Aizen caught his breath softly and his eyes widened.
I think I understand...
When I was with Yasu, I would have done anything to protect him and our child. And when he was lost, I would have done anything to avenge him. Now, Tetsuya and our child have given me something I would give anything to protect again. Strangely, the thing that most threatens our happiness is Tetsuya's own determination to do what I thought that I could do by becoming king. While I seek to use my powers to protect directly, he seeks to end the injustice that caused Yasu's death. An admirable desire, of course, but one far too dangerous for him to pursue while he is with child. But, perhaps when our child has been born, we can finish this together. As a tribute to the one I lost, I can make certain that those same injustices do not take Tetsuya from me. Perhaps...
His thoughts were interrupted by a terrified scream within the barrier. Aizen was on his feet instantly and flash stepping through the barrier, into the room, where he found Tetsuya shrunken into a dark corner of the room, his face buried in his hands, his curled body shaking visibly and making soft, half sobbing sounds of distress. He watched in silence for a moment, then slowly approached and knelt in front of him.
"Tetsuya," he said softly, wrapping a hand around one slender wrist to pull a hand away from his face.
He was less than prepared for the terrified howl the noble loosed, and the dull flash of protective kido, which was all that the limiter would allow him.
"Stop!" Tetsuya gasped, "You will tear me apart!"
He saw then, the senseless, glazed over, teary blue eyes and let go of the noble's wrist. Tetsuya shrank back deeper into the corner he inhabited, his eyes wide and fearful, clearly seeing something other than the calm, quiet room he was in.
"Watashi no koi, what is happening to you?"
Tetsuya's lips moved breathlessly, saying his name, then his eyes blinked slowly and began to clear. Aizen watched wordlessly as the noble continued to show increasing signs of returning cognizance...the haziness leaving his eyes, the hard shaking easing, and his hands and jaw unclenching. He remained on his knees, slumped in the corner as his slow return to his senses continued. But even once it was clear that he was fully aware again, his eyes remained lowered, and he said nothing. Aizen regarded him quietly for a time, then sighed softly.
"Are you all right now?"
A stray tear rolled down the younger man's proud cheek, but he seemed not to notice. His eyes remained fixed on some empty point in front of him and he maintained his silence. He went still and almost breathless then, frozen where he was, as though waiting for something. Aizen continued to wait and watch him, until he wondered if Tetsuya would ever move again.
He reached out again, this time slipping an arm around the younger man's shoulders. Tetsuya flinched at his touch, but didn't resist as Aizen helped him to his feet and turned him back towards the bed. He froze for a moment, staring in wonder as Tetsuya's hand reached back behind him, the fingers extended as though straining to hold on to something.
"Tetsuya?"
"Do not worry," the noble said to the non-existent person he was leaving behind, "I will come back to you."
"Come back to who?" Aizen asked, frowning and capturing the noble's face in his hands, "Tetsuya..."
Tetsuya blinked and shook his head, finally regaining full clarity. He said nothing at first, but stared into Aizen's stern expression with wet, widened eyes.
"Are you all right, now?" Aizen asked again.
Tetsuya hesitated, then gave him a tentative nod. He climbed back into the bed and quietly accepted a cup of tea, then sipped at it and set it down again. Aizen slid into the bed, beside him and Tetsuya curled readily into his arms. He closed his eyes and sighed as though in relief as Aizen's hand slipped beneath his yukata and caressed the warm baby bump on his belly.
"Sousuke, please don't be angry with me," Tetsuya whispered, catching his breath as Aizen's hand went still, and the man's brown eyes locked on his, "I can make myself tolerate being locked away like this, but I cannot bear to feel like I am alone here."
Aizen's hands cupped the younger man's face and he looked deeply into Tetsuya's sad, blue eyes.
"Tetsuya Kuchiki, you are not alone...not ever...not since the day that our souls were bound together."
He moved a hand from the noble's soft cheek and rested it on his breast, over his pounding heart.
"When you feel like you are alone, you need only look here. I am always with you, always inside you, always loving you."
"But you were so..."
"Shh," Aizen said, touching his fingers to Tetsuya's lips, "No more doubts. We begin and end with each other now. Trust in that."
"Then...you forgive me?" Tetsuya asked softly.
"For what?" Aizen asked, a gentle smirk returning to his lips, "for loving me enough to put yourself in harm's way? For wanting to protect me? For remembering what it was like to be locked away and alone, and to resist my return to that fate with all of your might? None of that needs to be forgiven, Tetsuya."
"But..."
"The only thing that angered me," Aizen went on, "and the only reason I would ever put walls around you, is that you didn't just risk yourself. You risked our child too. That is why I was angry. I admit that it angers me still. But I have taken steps to make sure you are not tempted to risk yourself again. There is no need to feel like you're being punished. I didn't do this to punish you...only to protect you and this little one you carry. And I only wasn't here when you woke, because I thought that you might despise me for locking you in here. But it seems that you only loosed your fury on yourself. I was worried for you, watashi no koi. You seemed to lose yourself."
Tetsuya lowered his eyes, a flush of self consciousness rising on his cheeks and throat.
"I am sorry about that. I don't know why that happened. I had thought that I left all of that behind. But it seems that some ghosts refuse to leave me."
"Do you remember what happened?"
Tetsuya nodded silently.
"I was back Itamigiri...in my cell. And Orochi came into the cellblock. We always knew that when he came, he was coming for Naoki or me. We each pleaded to be taken instead of the other. And after Orochi enjoyed watching that, he would take one of us away and beat us. Sometimes, he would then return for the other. In my...dream...or hallucination, Orochi came to us, but when he started to open Naoki's cell, it wasn't Naoki he was taking, it was you."
Aizen's eyes softened and he rested his face lightly against Tetsuya's as the younger man went on.
"I offered to go with him instead of you, and he turned and looked at me. Sousuke, it wasn't Orochi at all."
"Who was it?"
"I do not know him...not really. But I have heard his voice in my dreams, and sometimes when I am on the edges of sleep, I can hear him."
"What does he look like?"
"He is tall and thin...brown hair to his shoulders, with a gold circlet...like royalty. And his eyes..."
Tetsuya frowned and stopped, a pained look overtaking his face.
"Are you all right?"
Tetsuya nodded.
"It hurts when I try to remember his eyes. Sousuke, there was something about them. I was right on the verge of knowing what, when he took my hand in the dream and he started to lead me away. But you wrapped a hand around my wrist and both of you said that I belong to you. Just...you called me by different names. You called me Tetsuya, but he called me..."
Tetsuya's frown deepened.
"I cannot remember the name. But it wasn't mine. Yet, he looked at me with eyes that said that he knew me. And when he looked into my eyes, I felt my heart dying inside me. The two of you tried to pull me in different directions. My body began to break apart, and that is when I screamed and woke."
"I am sorry that you had such an awful nightmare," Aizen said, brushing his lips against a porcelain cheek, "I am here now to head off any more. Just close your eyes and rest, Tetsuya. I will stay with you."
"Arigato, Sousuke," Tetsuya whispered, closing his eyes.
He fell asleep again to the feel of his lover's warm hands caressing his pregnant belly, to the soft brushes of kisses on his lips and face, and to the sound of the only voice that he wanted to have fill his dreams.
But several times during the night, he found himself confused as Aizen's voice came and went...blending in gratingly with another.
Who is that man?
Why does he haunt my dreams?
What does he want?