Act 2 – Chapter Four: The Mirror

I choose not to tell Lilly about my plans.

I've thought long and hard about this. Waking up in the middle of the night, worrying about my friendship with Hisao, how I know about his heart and how he knows next to nothing about me and how I got my scars. It's not right that we should be getting closer and becoming friends when I can't even bring myself to tell him such basic facts about my life. Isn't that what friends do? They don't have secrets from each other.

Last night, I made my mind up. I decided I would tell Hisao how I lost my family and how I ended up at Yamaku. It's up to him whether he accepts me then or not. Besides, it might be good to finally tell someone other than Lilly. My therapist keeps asking me to open up to her, but I never do. I can't handle it. With Hisao, though, maybe I've managed to find someone I can truly be myself with.

The day starts out alright, even if Mutou-sensei's lecture is more boring than usual. I briefly see Lilly as she's leaving the female dorms, and we chat a little about mundane things and the tea party the previous night. However, I don't give away what I plan to do. I do see Hisao in class, but we don't get a moment to talk, and I realise that speaking here, with everyone else able to listen in (Misha especially), wouldn't be a good idea. I can't ask Hisao to talk somewhere else, though. If Misha were to spot me trying to be casual, or inconspicuous, while chatting to him, she'd immediately think something was up and come barging in with a smile on her face, her voice booming some assumption about our apparent status as a couple.

Instead, I decide to retreat as usual at lunchtime. I don't go to the tearoom today, instead visiting the library. Even Lilly's presence would be enough to put me off telling Hisao about my past. I want it to be just the two of us, and going to the library gives me time to think of a way to catch him alone somewhere.

As I settle down into my beanbag, I look at the cover of the book I've chosen this time. A man and his shadow. I almost feel as if I'm the shadow in that picture, but fighting for once to step away from the wall and become the person instead. It's a long, hard, road. One that I'm willing to take. I open the pages and begin to read. 'Dance Dance Dance' is the title, another work from Murakami. Every time I read his books I can sympathise with his themes, but it never gets any easier, trying to match my own issues with the underlying context of the words he writes. For me, the challenge is to overcome everything he writes about and break through the loneliness, but until now I've never quite been able to do so. Maybe I finally have a reason though, with Hisao's support.

"Hi, Hanako. How's it going?" Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear. Hisao's voice startles me a little and I look up at him as he flops down onto another of the beanbags opposite me.

"Hello, H-Hisao. I'm fine." I'm actually very pleased to see him. Nobody else is here save Yuuko, and she's at the other end of the library busy with her work. This saves me from having to find a way of getting Hisao alone without it seeming contrived and awkward, which would almost certainly end up being the case. He looks surprised though, to see me smiling at him. I guess it's pretty rare that I do except in special situations. I usually look more frightened and nervous rather than happy.

"Good to hear. How's that book? I've heard it's a trip." I didn't know Hisao was familiar with the works of Haruki Murakami. Then again, he's one of the country's more prolific and influential authors, so it's not too surprising that he would know the book, however briefly.

"I-it's good... I think... I've only j-just started it, so I d-don't really know."

"Fair enough. Let me know how it goes, I may borrow it once you're done."

"S-sure." I wonder if he's read any of Murakami's other books? If so, what insight would that have given him regarding me? I read them because I can relate to the themes and characters, but what could Hisao have gained from the stories himself?

I turn back to the book, but I find myself unable to concentrate. This is too good an opportunity to speak to Hisao, and I can't let myself pass it up. However, I'm too nervous to begin speaking. I've never told anyone but Lilly what happened all that time ago – even my therapist had to make do with the official reports and medical observations. Every time I look up I meet Hisao's eyes and duck down again, afraid to engage with him and begin the conversation that I so desperately want to have.

He's noticed it too. "What's up? You look like a prairie dog on lookout." An apt simile, I suppose.

"N-... it's nothing," I reply with an air of evading the question.

"I've told you before, 'nothing' means 'something' when you say it like that."

He has a point. And I do want to tell him. I wriggle around a little, fidgeting awkwardly and trying to screw up the courage to finally bare my soul to somebody.

"I... I was in an accident." I've begun, so I guess I'd better finish.

"Accident? Just now? Are you alright?" Hisao's first reaction is understandable, but he doesn't realise what I'm trying to say. In response I shake my head, hair flying around as I move.

"N-no. When I was y-younger. When I... when I was..."

"It's alright, Hanako," Hisao says. He's realised what I'm trying to do. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to."

I shake my head again as I sink a little into the beanbag. I have to do this. "N-no. I want... I have to tell you." As I tell the story of what happened, I gain a little strength with every word. It's hard, yes, but I've faced tougher times than this. I have to endure! I have to be strong and continue to the end.

"When I was young... I was in a fire. M-my house b-burned down, and I nearly... I nearly didn't make it. A-after that... I was alone..." As I speak I can feel the tears building in my eyes. I haven't told Hisao the whole truth. I can't stand remembering why I managed to survive. The coming days will be tougher, that date looming just a little more than a month or two away. It's better he knows the reasons now rather than later.

I feel a hand touching mine, and without looking down or wiping away the tears I know Hisao has reached across to comfort me. "It's okay, Hanako. You don't have to keep going."

"B-but... I have to..." Don't you see, Hisao? I need to do this.

"Why?" he asks. "What brought this on?"

I feel bad for the little white lie, but I don't want Hisao to know just how long I've been aware of his own secrets. "L-last night Lilly t-told me about your heart... a-and I... I didn't think it was f-fair."

"Fair?" He looks puzzled, a frown across his face, my hand still clutched in his.

"T-that I knew about you b-but you didn't know about me..."

He squeezes my hand a little, to reassure me. "Don't be silly. But yes, I have a heart condition. What I didn't tell Lilly is that I had my first attack when a girl confessed to me."

Confessed? As in a confession of love? I feel that sharp pang of jealousy again, just a little one, but present nonetheless. "R-really?"

"Really," he replies. "I haven't heard from her for a while though, so I guess it's all over. So now, we both know a little more about each other. But you don't have to talk about things if you don't want to."

He still doesn't realise that I truly wanted to tell him what happened. I still do. But I realise that for now, enough has been said. Baby steps, after all. I can always bring the subject up again another time, but it's still early days, and I hate to be reminded of that day. I can't help but think of the recovery, those weeks that turned into months of sitting in a room alone, a completely sterile environment, only to be told that nothing could be done about my scars and to realise that my life would forever be blighted not only by my appearance, but by my isolation. The smell of the hospital, the white-washed walls, feeling sorry for the victims even worse than me in their sterile pods completely cut off from the world. Trying to return to my old life until everyone I knew and thought was my friend turned on me, showing their hatred not for who I once was, but for what I had become. Moving on to the orphanage, where I was finally treated with decency, until every child was taken home while parents passed me by without a second glance. My eventual arrival at Yamaku.

My memories flash by as we sit in silence. I know that one day I'll tell Hisao all of this, but for now I'm happy that he at least knows the basics. Maybe I can really move on someday.

"T-thank you, Hisao. I... I haven't told many people about this."

"To be honest, I haven't told many people about my... circumstances, either." It seems that Hisao and I are more alike than I first thought. I smile again, genuinely and full of warmth.

"T-then I won't tell a-anyone either."

""Deal." Hisao's hand still clasps mine, but quickly adjusts to form a handshake, one which I gladly match. As we shake hands, the warning bell sounds for the end of lunch. "Well then, we'd better head back to class, eh?"

"S-sure." We walk back to the classroom in near silence, the quietness only broken when Hisao reveals he forgot to let me know something. Apparently Lilly wishes to speak to me later, after her class rep duties are complete. We slowly make our way back to lessons as the afternoon sun shines through the windows, illuminating my path forward.

The classes drag on, as boring as they were this morning. At least I'm here though, not skipping again. I notice I've been cutting classes less since Hisao joined us. Maybe he's been a good influence on me? The clock ticks our lives away as the day continues, until the bell finally sounds for the end of school. I begin to head towards the tea room to meet with Lilly, curious as to what she wishes to discuss, before realising she's too busy today. I return to my room instead to wait for her.

A while later, a knock on my door drags me yet again from my continued reading. "Hanako? It's Lilly. Can I come in?"

"Y-yes..."

The door opens and Lilly walks in slowly, her cane tapping for any obstacles that could impede her progress. "Hello, Hanako. I trust that Hisao was good enough to pass on my message this afternoon?"

"Yes, he... he did. W-what was it y-you wanted to speak... about?" Even when I'm with Lilly I can't avoid stuttering. Maybe one day I'll overcome it, but until then...

"I just wanted to know how you were feeling. I was proud of you yesterday, you know."

"T-thanks..."

She continues, "How were things with Hisao today?"

"They w-were... good. Um..." I pause, unsure of whether to continue.

"Yes?"

"I... I..." Suddenly, in a quick burst, I tell her. "We talked about my past today."

For the first time in a while, Lilly looks shocked. Not in a bad way, but rather in the sense that she doesn't quite know what to say. "W-what do you mean? Your past...?"

"I t-told him what happened... how I got my s-scars..."

"Oh, Hanako, you didn't have to do that..." Lilly's reaction is just the same as Hisao's. I appreciate that they want to protect me, but they still don't understand. I can't come to terms with what happened if I can't tell anyone.

"I... I had t-to tell him... it wasn't right that... I knew a-about him and h-he didn't... about m-me..." The tears are returning, but I resolve to stay strong. I won't let myself cry. It doesn't matter that Lilly can't see me, I won't let any tears fall this time. "He t-told me about his heart... his f-first heart attack..."

"Hanako..." She sighs a little. "What did he say? Although I guess it's okay if he wanted to keep it private..."

"I... I think H-Hisao would be better off t-telling you..." I wouldn't feel right letting Lilly in on what he said, not when Hisao gave me that knowledge in confidence.

"I understand. Hanako, are you sure you're okay?"

"Y-yes. I'm fine now." I'm not lying. I feel strangely calm, despite the tears. It's as though a great weight was holding me down, and now it's gone. Like a new chapter has opened in my friendship with Hisao, a brand new story where finally we can be on the same level. As I consider this, Lilly and I chat a bit more about various topics, though I know she still worries about me even when we stop speaking about the day's events. Soon enough she leaves, and I prepare for bed. For once I sleep soundly, no nightmares despite what is still to come. My mind is clear.