Title: Identity
Genre: Drama/Angst
Rating: T
Summary: Noah, Mana, Kanda... Allen thinks about all this and more.
Disclaimer: As much as I would love for it to be so, Kanda and Allen are not my gay porn slaves.
Notes: A pretty mundane, overdone plot...
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tell me, what do you see
when you look at me?
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Allen wonders who he is.
He looks into the mirror and feels his stomach drop, and not from the fifty sticks of mitarashi dango he consumes on a daily basis. Pressing a hand onto the smooth surface, leaving behind ghostly fingerprints, he waits. The shadow behind him leers back, the toothless grin mocking him like a crescent moon. The shadow occasionally wags its head, cocking the smooth round skull from side to side, but the blank eyes never leave Allen's. They stare straight ahead, into the object the shadow is reflected upon, sneering at Allen, "You're just my shadow. I'm your shadow now, but I'm the one whom Mana loves. I'm the one who's real." The dreadful grin widens.
Allen breaks the mirror one day.
Komui scolds him, but his words fall on deaf ears.
He hates it. He hates how no one will tell him anything directly. He hates how they say one thing but their eyes show pity, sympathy, hate, disgust, and worst of all, indifference. But they never say anything to him. He is growing up and already shoulders the responsibilities of an adult.
But he is still a child.
Am I really going to kill someone I love?
He wishes they—the Order, the Inspector, his watcher—would just come out and voice the whispered things behind their eyes. He wishes for that so he could just understand why this is all happening, and to him of all people. He wishes for honesty, integrity, and the truth.
The truth, most of all.
But again, the truth might not be what he wants. Isn't there the phrase "ignorance is bliss"? Allen wonders what he ought to choose, if given the choice. An unpleasant truth or a beautiful lie? He thinks that he once knew the answer, but now he is not so very sure of himself. Because he himself does not know who he truly is. Allen Walker...?
Or the Noah that Mana loved?
Who did Mana really see?
He wants to know.
And yet, he does not want to know.
Mana, did you really love me?
Allen desperately tries to find some semblance of hope. He tries to remain optimistic. He refuses to let these worries weigh him down, dragging him into despair. He cannot let fear and anguish take over his hand. Because he is afraid of what will happen if he does not hold on and try to smile. So he smiles because he cannot let anyone see how deeply he is embedded in the darkness. He smiles to escape, to divert prying eyes away from his vulnerable self.
Lenalee and Lavi both notice. Occasionally, Lenalee's gaze on him would soften with worry and sadness and fear, mirroring his own. Sometimes Allen manages to catch her off-guard and returns her gaze with something akin to defiance. She never turns her regard away in shame, but always looks at him straight in the eye, although the worry would disappear and be replaced by fake cheerfulness. Allen does not feel comfortable when people stare at him, but he never minds if it's Lenalee. Because she understands only too well how it feels to be used, to be a tool, to full feel the burden of an Exorcist's duties.
It hurts to look at her directly.
Lavi, on the other hand, doesn't waste words or petty glances. He plows through life, laughing and cheering and cracking jokes. He doesn't leave much time or room for dark thoughts. Instead, the future Bookman fills the pages of Allen's life with exuberance, pulling Allen behind him and forcing him to realize that life is not all bad. He makes Allen realize that even though there is war and death and that a Bookman shouldn't have feelings and an Exorcist is a mere pawn in battle, there are still friends and companionship and community and mitarashi dango.
Allen wonders if Lavi ever stops to think about the bad parts of life.
I don't know who I am anymore...
And there is Kanda.
Kanda isn't like anyone Allen has ever met.
Kanda always says what he thinks, or sometimes, he does not even bother speaking his thoughts, as if you are not worth such attention. He is never afraid of consequences, how others may view him, or what the higher-ups are really planning. Kanda is coldly beautiful, with his merciless mindset. He does not flatter or use pretty words or say one thing and mean another. Sometimes his harsh attitude annoys Allen in a way he cannot understand.
But he does understand.
He wants to be like Kanda.
Allen finds himself wondering what Kanda thinks about. He wonders why Kanda only ever eats tempura soba. He wonders why Kanda grows his hair long. He wonders at the strange and ominous tattoo on Kanda's front. He wonders at the exotic and foreign grace that Kanda has. He wonders at Kanda when he fights, his movements fluid and skillful and confident.
Hey, Kanda...what do you see when you look at me?
Soon, Kanda occupies Allen's thoughts all the time. Morning, afternoon, night.
Most especially night.
And soon, Allen finds himself longing to be in Kanda's thoughts as well.
Kanda is strong, but Allen wonders if the Japanese is more fragile than anyone thinks. One time, after visiting Bak Chan, Kanda returns looking weary. There is a pain in Kanda's eyes that Allen has never seen before, fresh and crisp. He wonders what could have broken Kanda, so beautiful and cold and strong. Immediately, Allen finds himself going up to Kanda and hugging him, much to the shock of the Finders near them.
Of course the long-haired Exorcist smacks him, but Allen can't help but smile genuinely.
Allen smiles because he notices.
He notices how Kanda looks at him as well.
Those dark eyes are questioning, wondering. They follow him wherever he goes, asking a question that Allen can't quite answer yet. Dark blue eyes meet silver eyes before darting away, embarrassed. Kanda's eyes are confused and unsure and Allen wonders if that is what his own eyesl ook like.
"Kanda."
"What is it?" Kanda asks, pulling away from the deep kiss they are involved in.
Allen hesitates. "What do you see when you look at me?"
Kanda's arms, which surround Allen, embrace him even more tightly in a warm and firm hug.
"Idiot. I see a Moyashi."
He taps Allen's forehead, poking it roughly.
"I see you."
Allen cries.
He finally knows who he is.
"You're my Allen," Kanda says gently before blushing, disconcerted.
"Then does that mean you're my Yuu?"
Kanda's blush deepens before he snaps, "You stupid sprout..."
It's okay to be yourself. Because when I look at you, I don't see anyone else.
I love you because you're you.
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