A/N- So I am a shit updater it's been seven months I know but I'm thinking the anxiety my current job and life is causing me has made me a writer again so here's hoping that continues and I can make a consistent schedule... for my 13 various fics and stories :)
I'm also thinking about doing two more stories in this universe (one definitely for Jean and Marco, maybe a second for Armin and Erwin... though I'm not sure yet if they're just vanilla relief so :P) and if I were to do that this may be the Soul to Skin universe for my own organization and peace of mind x3 Not sure yet though, maybe depends on what people think? (SHIT I should have named this fic Soul to Skin wtf missed and wasted opportunities UGH)
Anyway, I'm done rambling- read on! Hopefully you guys have great memories because it has been so long since I last updated~ :')
Eren hadn't thought days of mental preparation and hours of stylistic pains could be ruined by one simple knock on his door. He'd been so absolutely careful in his efforts to achieve total control and calm, to erase any semblance of anxiety from his mind. Eren had made sure he wouldn't have any interruptions in his very calm routine; shower, brush his teeth, get dressed, style hair but make it look like he hadn't touched a strand- all very precise with the intent to display an air of casual carelessness.
That didn't allow room for interruptions. Like a visit. Visits he had told every one of his friends were not allowed today. Which meant this was someone he didn't know or hadn't told.
With a heavy sigh, Eren left his bathroom and grabbed his keys on the way to the door. Better to look like he was ready to leave (and he was by normal standards, just not his own on that particular day) than to seem idle and available for conversation.
Instead, he opened the door to find Jean, and all hopes of staying calm and cool for Levi were shattered and thrown to the wind.
"I really can't today," Eren began softly, desperately searching within himself for the faux relaxation and peace he had obtained just minutes before.
Jean's angry sneer was so familiar Eren revelled in it. Jean's anger he could deal with, although he wasn't quite so sure why this time. He hadn't seen the man since the breakup.
"Already moved on, huh? That was fast," Jean snapped, sending Eren into the depths of confusion at his defensive demeanor and almost insulted tone. "Even for you," he added, the words sharp with the intent to cut.
Just as he always had, Eren absorbed some of that familiar anger, falling into a pattern he still knew too well.
"Well, I didn't lose enough to notice the loss. Guess that makes it easier," Eren practically spat, trying to ignore the momentary flash of pain in Jean's expression. "Why are you here, Jean?" he asked, making sure his voice was softer, less biting and cruel. Something about his ex... he was exhausted, eyes bloodshot.
It exhausted him.
Ignoring his question, Jean pushed some more, "Does he know you're ace? Can't fuck to save your life?"
Eren ground his teeth against a bitter comeback, Jean's words surprisingly more painful than he would have thought. Insecurity hit him full force, but he pushed that back as well for the moment.
Of all the days...
"That's none of your business, Jean," Eren answered quietly, willing his anger away. He didn't owe Jean an explanation or an answer- it wasn't his business.
"I'll take that as a no," Jean leered, expression dark and hurt. "Still thinking you can get-"
"It doesn't matter what you take that as, as long as you understand that absolutely nothing about my life and my relationships are any of your business," Eren interrupted smoothly, momentarily proud of himself and his quiet, calm, resolve. Mikasa would have given him a thumbs up for that one. Meeting Jean's eyes, registering his shock and hurt, he added, "You have no right to an explanation for anything. I don't even owe you anything."
Flushing red, angry and embarassed, Jean burst. "You don't owe me anything? I'd say you fucking do, Jaeger! For that shit you pulled- 'Oh, I'll try, I'll be able to'?" His voice rose as he mocked Eren.
In turn, Eren felt his own face heat, and he stepped closer to Jean, angry to have to keep the conversation going. He could have been halfway to Levi's shop by now, and in an ideal world, maybe working something out. Instead he was continuing a fight that should have been over with months ago.
"I never lied to you, Jean. You knew exactly what shit I pulled when you asked me out. That's more than anyone before you ever got. And I was the dumbass who thought I really did owe it to you to try to sleep with you," Eren hissed, all at once remembering what Levi had told him- how that validation had made him feel. How Levi's anger for him had made him feel. "I should... never... have sacrificed myself, my body, for someone else- not just you, but everyone I've done that to. And you shouldn't have allowed or expected me to do that!"
Eren paused to take a breath, trying to calm down, and ignored Jean's reactions as he thought to add more. Deciding he was done, that he would rather be facing the uncertainty around Levi, Eren said, "I don't want to know why you're here. I just want you to leave me alone and go prance around with your boyfriend- and, speaking of moving on, you did it in record time. Before we were even through. So I don't know why you're telling me I moved on so fast."
Considerably more confident than he had been when he had woken up, Eren forced Jean back as he closed and locked his door, then ignored him as he walked away. He probably should have found out what his ex had wanted, if for no other reason than to prevent future visits, but something told him Jean had only come to bitch about his new relationship. Why he'd want to with Marco on his lap was beyond Eren.
Hoping his confidence would last after he calmed down, Eren hailed a taxi and gave the address to Levi's shop. All thoughts of Jean forgotten for the moment as he focused on the task at hand.
He'd waited the week Levi had suggested, growing more anxious by the day until he had received a text asking if he was available Tuesday, and if he'd like to meet on 'neutral ground' to talk.
Eren had played it cool, then proceeded to squeeze poor Rogue to death, much to the kitten's dismay. Afterwards, he'd called Mikasa and told her he wouldn't be able to make it to work Tuesday, he planned on being sick.
Wracked with stress, Eren had ironically gotten sick several times, but he'd thrown himself into his work wholeheartedly in order to avoid that- and his anxious fear. He would not be sick Tuesday, and so he had taken every precaution between Sunday and Tuesday.
Mikasa had naturally worried and had had no problem voicing them. He'd been told on multiple occassions- in the patrol car, while chasing drunken teens, while filing reports and writing them- that he was 'moving too fast.'
She was right. Mikasa was never wrong- at least, she never had been when it came to his relationships. However, Eren had justified his current... whatever it was he had... with Levi by claiming they'd taken a "break." A smart move, Eren realized, after his anxiety during the first three days into his week long sentence passed.
That didn't mean the gravity of how quickly he really had jumped back from Jean didn't hit him.
Heaving a sigh, Eren paid the cabbie as it rolled to a stop in Soul to Skin's nearly empty parking lot. No longer on duty, Eren took in the small building and surroundings relaxed, lazily making note of the carefully outlined parking spots, the clean brick building and the gravel path that led around it.
When he walked into the shop, he was glad it wasn't as chaotic as it had felt the first time he'd dropped by. Only one other person was in the lobby, not including the woman behind the desk, and the distinct lack of blood and the quiet atmosphere did wonders to his nerves.
The woman behind the desk looked up as he stood, indecisive and insecure, at the door, torn between leaving and asking if Levi was around. Her elated and bright smile made his decision for him, and Eren found himself smiling back, relieved, as she waved him over.
"The infamous Eren," she drawled, holding her hand out as soon as he was close enough.
"I'm going to guess you're the infamous receptionist?" Eren mimicked, his smile still comfortable and pleasant as he shook the offered hand.
"Petra, please. I'm more the Invaluable Receptionist Who Levi Would Die Without, but Petra is much easier," she snorted. "Please remind him of that. He's in the third room on the left- just a tattoo today, no gore," Petra added with a wink. "You can walk right in, he won't care."
Eren nodded his thanks and let out a breath, relieved now on more than one level but no less anxious as he made his way towards the sterile hallway.
If he hadn't known which room to go to Eren would have easily figured it out. Whoever Levi's client was was incredibly talkative for someone getting a tattoo- a bright and feminine voice only occassionally pausing to allow a more masculine grunt of acknowledgement from Levi.
Taking one more deep breath for good measure, Eren knocked lightly on the door before slipping into the room. He didn't expect any relationship building conversation to go on over his clients nearly naked back, but he had never thought he'd have a problem watching Levi work. He'd seen the absolute focus the man would get when cleaning, and it seemed he had that same focus over the woman's back- just healthier and more positively intense.
Not once did Levi pause to acknowledge Eren, absorbed as he was in the task at hand, and the woman who's shoulders he worked over only looked at him once mid sentence.
"-he misses you, Levi. I guess, y'know, it just took him a while to realize what he lost," she was saying, very obviously trying not to crawl out of her skin as she spoke. Eren had a feeling it had little to do with the pain of the tattoo itself, and more her own energy- wild hair and large, nearly wild, eyes set in an energetic and round face. Her smile was present, even if the subject was very obviously making Levi uncomfortable.
They were close, Eren realized.
"I think maybe we need to get together, all three of us, sometime-"
"Done," Levi interrupted firmly, quickly sitting back and eying the ink across her shoulders critically for a moment. With efficient and precise movements, he had the tattoo wiped down and covered, and her shirt back on. "Nice seeing you again, Isabel. Petra will give you some aftercare instructions and soap."
Eren moved away from the door, quiet and painfully awkward, as he observed Levi's cool treatment of someone who at least considered him a friend.
Isabel took one more look at Eren and her lips pressed into a thin, hard, line. "You think with someone new it'll be different? Farlan has lived with your habits, Levi. And he's willing-"
Oh, now that sounds really familiar. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out Levi had been in a somewhat steady, serious, relationship.
"I'm not willing," Levi snapped, anger flaring momentarily in his dark eyes before he cursed and placed a hand on the small of her back. "Goodbye, Isabel." She looked ready to argue, but instead gave up and allowed Levi to usher her out.
Pausing at the door, she added softly, personally enough to make Eren look away, "Even if you don't want to see Farlan anymore, I'm still fair game. We're friends, Levi. I'd like to be around for you."
Levi shut the door after her then stared at it, lips pursed and expression contemplative.
"I think exes put things into perspective," Eren stated after a long moment of silence. Levi looked at him, surprise etched onto his features, so Eren continued. "My ex popped by when I was leaving. Really enlightening. You got the indirect assault, though. A nice recommendation from a mutual friend. Much better than the punch right in the face." Eren was aware that he was rambling, but Levi didn't seem to mind. He seemed to relax even, lips twitching into what was almost a grin.
"And what did your ex put into perspective?" Levi all but purred as he began to clean up his work station, throwing out the used needles and wiping down every surface Isabel had touched. His movements, however, were far from graceful. He moved like he was on a tight string; agitated and stiff.
Eren spoke as if the words were a physical pain, hoping to distract Levi enough to avoid a full scale frenzy. "You were right. As much as I moaned and groaned and bitched- how could Levi of all people be right- A huge hit to my pride, but whatever."
Levi snorted then, after throwing the last sanitary wipe away, turned to face Eren. "So, what was your ex doing at your door anyway?"
"Never found out," Eren answered with a shrug. "I think he heard about me getting involved with someone else and was pissed. Also don't know about that either. Just a theory."
Levi nodded slowly, flipped the ring in his lip, then smirked. "So you're involved with someone?"
"I hope so," Eren muttered, feeling the blush as soon as the words left his mouth. Levi's smirk faded and he pursed his lips, the sudden change like a slap in the face. Disappointment and embarrassment settled in Eren- just like everyone else.
"So, you know I have OCD... and a thing about germs..." Levi began slowly, looking almost frantically around the room. "And I have rules. Lots of rules. Well, not lots of rules, but... very incredibly specific rules that are hard to follow on a normal day, and really... kind of change all the time... Because of me..."
Eren stared at him for a moment, processing and trying to interpret his words. "So... it's a no on your end... to..." he trailed off and gestured between them.
Levi, at least, was quick to shake his head, no. "I was with someone for two years- uh, Farlan. You met him kind of. He lived with me for a year and I'm kind of impossible to live with and be around seriously," he tried, worrying the ring in his lip now. Then he laughed, sharp and bitter. "I mean, I fucking rearranged and deep cleaned your entire house the second time you invited me over!"
Eren only smiled and agreed. "It needed it though..."
Levi didn't smile back. He pressed his lips together and shook his head. "I just... don't know... Farlan knew me for five years before we got together, knew my rules, knew which ones applied to how I was feeling and how one would work one day but not the next.. And that still..." He gestured weakly with his hands and sighed. "It's not fair for me to expect you to walk on eggshells around me like that."
Eren frowned, wondering if he had ever sounded anything like that. "I'm kind of doing the same thing to you, Levi," he said, not entirely sure of himself but positive his situation applied.
Levi, however, didn't think so. "No. What you're asking is normal. That's something easily respected. You tell me you don't want to have sex, okay. That's okay. But me telling you not to use the fucking coaster I just cleaned because it's too clean at that moment is not okay. Me telling you to place the coaster three inches away from any other coaster, and three inches away from the edge of the table, that's not okay. Symmetry, alignment, organization, and cleanliness. My whole life revolves around that shit."
Eren had to admit that would be especially crazy... But at the same time, Levi wouldn't do that out of perference, but illness.
"Levi-"
"If you come into my apartment, your shoes and socks stay in the entryway, three inches away from any other pair of shoes, and three inches away from the wall. Sometimes, all you'd have to do is sanitize your feet and hands. Other times, most times, I'd make you shower first."
"That's not-"
"Sometimes neglecting a rule will just annoy me. Other times, I'll explode. I'll freak out, we'll fight for hours, days, or weeks. Or I'll have a panic attack. Sometimes, you just coming into my space will freak me the fuck out. Sometimes, I'll feel fine, and no rules need to be followed religiously, and everything is great, but then that will change on a dime, and I'll kick you out and I won't talk to you for days."
"Levi-"
"If you put the ketchup back in the wrong place, I could freak out-"
"Levi, I'm willing to try," Eren snapped, amazed by Levi's distress.
The smaller man stopped to take a few breaths, simply staring at Eren as if he were crazy.
Maybe he was. Maybe he was absolutely insane to even think about trying with Levi- he wasn't even certain he could handle what Levi was describing. But it wasn't like he lived with the guy.
Taking a deep breath of his own, Eren walked over to Levi and stopped a foot away. "So, uh, I'm cool with trying to work around your psycho stuff," he began lightly, offering a smile to try and ease Levi. "I'm actually free this Friday, if you'd like to eat out with me. You can tell me your most basic, constant, rules whether you're having a good day or not. Farlan once mentioned to me that you had wild sex rules, and seeing as I find most sex repulsive I would love to hear about that mess, too."
Levi stared at him, stunned now, before his lips twitched and he hid his oncoming smile behind a fist.
Eren never would have thought a man like Levi would ever fit the description of 'cute.'
"I don't just... eat out... Silverware and plates and glasses that don't belong to me... I don't know how clean..."
"We can go to the taco place you love so much," Eren compromised easily.
"I really want to kiss you right now," he said after a long moment of thoughtful silence.
"Gross kiss or normal kiss?"
"What's the difference?"
"A gross kiss involves tongue and teeth and more... mouthy shit. A normal kiss is just... normal."
Levi nodded, thought if over, then said, "I think a normal kiss."
"I'll try to hold back my vomit in that case."
Levi snorted, coughed, then grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him down in order to press his lips against Eren's. It was easily the most childish, chaste, kiss Eren had ever experienced, but he still found himself disgustingly happy and warmed by Levi's attempt.
"Gross," Levi snickered against his lips before pulling away and snapping the latex gloves off his hands. "Friday at six?" he asked suddenly.
Eren almost had to shake himself to switch tracks so quickly. "Uh, yeah... Yeah that'll work..."
"Then get the fuck out of here, princess. I have a business to run."
Eren was ashamed to admit he walked out of Soul to Skin practically walking on air with butterflies in his fucking belly.