Chapter Summary: Lee considers himself to be a craftier version of the Grinch and he has no intention to let his heart grow three sizes. All the Whos are going down. Missing moments for "Boom Crunch."

Coda

A story by Ryeloza

Ten:

Jingle Balls

Lee slammed the front door loudly and when Bob didn't immediately respond he stomped into the living room, growling. Without looking up from the paper, Bob said, "What's wrong?"

"We live in a neighborhood of sexist whores!"

"Oh, God." Bob finally looked up from the paper, but his face read more irritated than irate. "Which hissy fit is this again?"

"The Jingle Belles!"

"Oh, of course. Silly me. So they still won't let you in?"

"I would be a great addition! I already sing better than that old hag Karen McCluskey! But no…Bree 'Not-Even-In-Honor-Of-My-Gay-Son' Hodge won't budge!"

"You tried to manipulate her by playing the gay son card? That's low, Lee. And also irrelevant."

"I know that! But I didn't have any choice!" It was true. Lee had tried to find an in with every woman in the group this year in the hope of getting someone to stand up to the dictator. But even Lynette, whose feathers he could usually ruffle until she was frenzied enough to react, was so indifferent that he couldn't get her to stage a coup on his behalf. "This is discrimination!"

"Lee, it's a half hour of Christmas caroling on a cul-de-sac. Who do you think is watching this besides their husbands and kids?"

"Not the point, Bob!" To Lee's dismay, Bob shrugged and went back to reading his paper, clearly finished listening. As dramatically as he could, Lee turned and stormed out of the room, pausing only for a moment when Bob said mildly, "Don't to anything too outrageous, dear." The comment only further raised Lee's blood pressure and he slammed the door again on his way out. With a scowl he glared at the ladies across the street. They'd taken a break from their rehearsal and were standing around gossiping. They hadn't even invited him to that! Bitches! It was the final straw. After half a decade of rejection, it was time for Lee to take matters into his own hands. There was only one choice: sabotage! And Lee knew exactly how to start.

"What are you doing here?"

Lee crossed his arms casually. "Just observing. You're a little flat, Karen. Might want to work on that. Who'd you get to build those risers for you?"

"We've had those risers for years, Lee, which you know perfectly well. You were here when Mike made them. Actually, you were here when he reassembled them the other day too. Remember?"

"Work looks shoddy."

Karen rolled her eyes. "Like you'd know anything about it."

"For your information—"

"I don't care. Go harass someone else."

Lee stuck out his tongue, but Karen just turned and walked over to pick up a bottle of water she'd left on one of the folding tables. "I'll show you who knows how to use a hammer," he muttered under his breath. "Or a screwdriver. Whatever I'll need to make those risers collapse in on themselves." Lee rubbed his hands together with a deliciously evil smirk on his face. This was going to be his finest moment. He'd become a craftier version of the Grinch and he had no intention to let his heart grow three sizes. All the Whos were going down.

At the table, Karen abruptly put down her water bottle and called after Gaby, probably to chastise her for some stupid reason. That was her specialty. But to Lee's delight, she left her Santa hat sitting jauntily on the table. In cartoon-like fashion Lee crept to the table, looking left and right before plucking up the hat and scurrying away. He'd just crossed the street when he heard Karen yell, "Who the hell took my Santa hat?"

Lee brushed the hair of the doll he'd acquired, trying to give it the same luster that Bree's had in reality. He figured the closer the resemblance the more likely this voodoo thing was to work, though the woman at the store where he'd bought it had said that it didn't matter as long as he had something personal of the victim. Better safe than sorry. Especially since the only personal artifact of Bree's that he'd gotten his hands on was a flower from her front yard. Jollily, Lee threaded the flower into the doll's hair and then fastened a piece of duct tape over her mouth. Let's see her try to sing now, he thought.

With wicked glee, Lee threw his head back and began to laugh as malevolently as he could. His Santa hat slipped off his head onto the floor, but Lee just laughed harder. Even his evil genius laugh was musical! "Muahahahaha!" he bellowed.

The lights flicked on and Lee abruptly stopped laughing, snapping his head upright to see Bob standing in the doorway, clearly aghast. Lee snatched his Santa hat off of the floor and placed it back on his head, standing up and attempting to look casual. "Hey, hon, what's up?"

Bob looked from Lee to the elaborate plans lying on the floor and then back to Lee again. Slowly he set his briefcase on the floor and held up his hands; the gesture seemed to mean he was appeasing a lunatic. "Lee, we need to talk. You seem to be taking this Jingle Belles thing a little too far."

Lee gently tried to nudge his plans away with his toe. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you have what looks to be plans to cause the collapse of the risers written out in scarily exact detail and what I'm very afraid is a voodoo doll of Bree Hodge. And…is that Karen McCluskey's missing Santa hat on your head?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Bob snatched the hat off of Lee's head and turned it upside-down so the inside showed. To Lee's dismay, Karen had clearly written her name on the tag in permanent black marker. Bob raised a questioning eyebrow and Lee narrowed his eyes. "Damn her!" he hissed.

"Lee, it's done. Hand everything over."

"I deserve a spot in that choir!"

"Sweetie, it's not happening. Face it and move on."

Lee scowled but collected everything off of the floor and piled it into Bob's arms. Reluctantly he cradled the Bree voodoo doll in his arm, and gave Bob a puppy-dog look. "Can't I just…"

"No."

"But she's being such a bi—"

"No."

"Fine!" Lee shoved the doll at Bob and stormed to the door. "But I will heckle their performance and you can't stop me!"

Lee left before he could see Bob roll his eyes.

There was an odd silence after the plane crashed through Santa's house; the neighborhood seemed to be in complete shock. Lee sensed Bob come up behind him, sweet relief ran through him, and then almost involuntarily he said, "Just so you know, this wasn't part of the plan."

Without comment, Bob wrapped his arms around Lee and hugged him tightly.