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Where There's Smoke

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Marco knew something was wrong when he walked into the kitchen and saw the freezer door open, showcasing that both cartons of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food was gone.

He dropped all of his books on the table, dashing up to Ellie's room to find her in her closet, pulling boxes down and tossing the contents onto the floor.

"El?" he questioned and dodged a stray sweater that came down with the boxes. "Whoa, what happened?"

"Guess who I ran into tonight?" she asked. She didn't wait for him to answer however, she answered herself. "Sean, that's who. I was coming home from a lecture and there's Sean Cameron walking down my street like it's no big deal."

Marco nodded. Sean was a hot button for Ellie; it was no surprise seeing him would upset her. "Did he say something?"

"Oh, he said plenty," Ellie said.

"Like …?"

Ellie stopped what she was doing and turned to Marco, giving him full view of the puffy eyes from an hour of crying. "Craig slept with Emma."

Saying the words aloud made it all the more real to Ellie, and she covered her mouth with her hand to stifle the sob that threatened to break free. Marco had his arms around her in a second, murmuring soothing words into her hair.

"You knew, didn't you?" Ellie pulled back, wiping at her eyes distractedly, and stared at him hard. "That's the stupid thing he did. And you wouldn't tell me because I …"

"I knew you would be upset," Marco cut in hastily. "Emma's always been a sore spot for you, with Sean and everything, and now this … I just didn't want to upset you."

She hugged him again, burying her face in his shoulder. "Thank you. But I wish you had … maybe then I wouldn't have eaten my weight in ice cream." Ellie sighed in exhaustion, she was so sick of all the drama.

"Why did it have to be Emma?" she wondered aloud, her voice more tired than Marco had heard in a long time.

"Are you okay?"

Ellie shook her head. "No, I'm not okay, Marco. When I heard that Craig and Manny … I kind of thought, you know, maybe when they … that we could …" She broke off, getting choked up once more and was unable to continue.

"I know," he whispered.

"Did … did he say why?" she asked, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to know.

"Something about Sean and Manny … he didn't really go into specifics."

Ellie pulled away again. "Why are you lying to me, Marco? What? Is Craig in love with Emma now?"

Marco sighed sadly, rubbing a hand over his face. "He …he's confused, El," he finally said, thinking back to all the things Craig had said that afternoon and the way he had not said something that was obviously weighing heavily on him.

"So he has feelings for her?" Ellie asked, but wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

"I think that's something you need to ask Craig," Marco told her.

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Ellie knocked on Craig's door later that evening. She heard a groan from behind the door and assumed she'd woken him up. She knocked again, louder and called out to him, "Craig, open up."

A faint shuffling was heard from inside and then Craig swung the door open. He was bleary eyed, and rosy cheeked from sleep and so adorably rumpled that all Ellie wanted to do was fall into him and never come out.

"El, hey, what's up?" he asked with his voice still husky.

"I just talked to Marco," she stated simply, hoping that he would read between the lines and she wouldn't be forced to actually say it.

"Okay," he said. It was obvious he didn't get it, and he stood back to let her walk in his room.

"Yeah," she told him, "he told me you were pretty upset."

"Manny and I broke up," he said, clearing clothes off his desk chair so she could sit down. She followed him into his room.

"I'm sorry."

He looked at her from his perch on his bed. "Are you?"

"If you're hurting, of course I am," she said sincerely.

"Sorry, I just … I know how you feel about Manny," His eyes were fixed on the floor. She was glad, because she wasn't sure she could handle hearing him say the words, and the meaning behind them, if she had to look into those eyes she knew so well.

"Yeah well, it's not about me," And it hurt to say that because there was an underlying truth in her words that neither needed to voice to know; for Ellie, everything was about Craig and he knew it.

The silence filling the room was deafening and they both felt it pressing down on them and what was filling it in the other's minds. Ellie wondering if he was feeling guilt for what he did and Craig terrified that she could find out.

"So …" she said finally, "do you want to talk about it? Or anything?"

"Nah. I'm good," he shrugged.

Her eyebrow quirked in suspicion. "Really?"

"Yeah. We all knew it was going to happen sooner or later."

"Then I guess I'll go," She stood, slinging her bag up on her shoulder, pausing to give him the opportunity to tell her.

"Okay," Craig stood up to walk her to the door.

She stopped and turned back to him before the door shut. "Craig."

"Yeah?"

The anger boiled up inside her, and before she could stop it, her hand flew up and smacked him as hard as she could in the side of his head.

"Ow! Damn it Ellie, what was that for?" he demanded.

"What was that for?" she cried in disbelief. "Craig, you slept with Emma. What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Shh!" Craig hissed. He grabbed her arm and yanked her back in his room before Joey or Angie could overhear them, not sure if they were still there or if they'd already left for dinner.

"Did Marco tell you?" he asked, pacing around the room, running his hands through his hair nervously.

"No, he didn't. Sean did," she told him.

"She told him," he whispered, sinking back down onto his bed. His voice was hoarse and raspy. No doubt he was wondering just how Sean was going to act the next time he saw him.

"Don't worry," she said, "Sean's not waiting outside to punch your face in."

She saw Craig's shoulders visibly relax. "How mad is he?"

"About as can be expected," Ellie told him. She sat beside him on the bed, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "But I think he's more upset at himself. He thinks it's his fault that Emma was with you in the first place."

Craig shook his head. "No. I should have known better. Emma was hurting … I took advantage of her."

"Craig," Ellie took his hand in hers, "you were hurting too."

"Emma was devastated. I should never have …" He stood abruptly, pacing again, the movements jerky and erratic. "God Ellie, this is killing me."

"It's called guilt Craig."

He shook his head emphatically. "No. It's more than that. I just can't believe I did that. I mean it was Emma. How could I do something so horrible to someone so pure?"

Ellie bit back the retort about to spring forth from her lips. Jay had a big mouth, especially when he was drunk. Or mad. She had serious doubts about Emma's so called 'purity.'

"El," Craig said softly, "it was her first time." He sank to the floor with his head in his hands. He looked dangerously close to crying.

The full weight of what had happened finally dawned on Ellie, and she went over and sat next to him, her arms going around him and her own feelings becoming insignificant in comparison to his. He was so broken, all she wanted was to protect him from the world and everything in it that had the power to hurt him. She pulled him closer, his head falling to her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said again. But this time he knew she was sorry for his pain, the pain he felt over that he thought he had caused.

"She was so … wounded," he whispered. "God, I hated Sean right then. I wanted to kill him. And I began to believe all those things people have been saying about Manny all these years. If you could have seen the pain on her face…"

Ellie felt tears beginning to well up in her eyes. He was aching so badly and she hated that there was nothing she could do to help him.

"All I wanted to do was be there for her. To make the pain go away. But instead of fixing it, I just ruined everything."

"It's not like you intended for it to happen. Right?"

"Of course not. I think of Emma like a sister. Sort of. But then she looked at me with those big eyes of hers, and when she kissed me …"

"I don't need a recap thanks." Ellie interjected.

He sighed deeply. "I just wish there was a way to fix this."

"Craig," she said, feeling her heart break all over again, "I don't know if you can fix something like this."

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After leaving Ellie's, Sean resumed his wandering around downtown Toronto and eventually ended up at the Dot.

He knew he would sooner or later. He had been wandering a lot the past few days, and eventually the Dot was bound to cross his path. He'd been all over most of the rest of Toronto. It was inevitable.

As was the chance of running into either Emma, Manny, or Craig.

And a tiny part of him was really glad it was Manny.

She was sitting in a back corner both, staring forlornly into a coffee mug and ripping napkins into tiny pieces without even seeing to notice.

Sean approached her the way someone would a skittish deer in the wild. Sudden movements or loud noises were out as drawing attention to himself could scare her off and then they'd never fix anything.

"Manny?" he sad softly when he reached her table.

Her big brown eyes looked lackluster and listless when they meet his and he was amazed that these were the same eyes that had once squealed in delight over him and Emma merely going to an afternoon movie.

"Hey, Sean," she replied as if on autopilot.

He fought back the urge to snort at her lack of enthusiasm and without waiting for an invitation, he pulled at the chair opposite her and sat down.

Manny eyed him warily, seeming to gauge just exactly what he was up to.

Looking over her mildly disheveled clothes and un-Manny like messy ponytail, Sean decided it was best to ease into this. "You okay?"

"Fantastic," she replied with a sarcasm that would have made even Alex proud.

"Okay," he muttered under his breath.

Manny raked her eyes over him in search of traces that he knew about Emma and Craig. But she wasn't entirely certain just what she was looking. It wasn't as if he would be wearing a sign to proclaim his anguish the way she felt she was.

"You know," she told him, "this is the second time I've been here today. I left earlier, and ran into Craig."

An ugly, dark look came into Sean's eyes and she felt the irrepressible desire to shudder at the meaning behind it.

"You know, huh?" he said slowly, more of a statement than a question.

"I think he told me just so I'd be sure there was nothing left between us. What kind of girl wants a guy that screws around with her best friend?" Manny said.

"You," Sean retorted.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Manny closed her eyes against the tears welling up. He was right, they both knew it. Actually declaring it wasn't necessary.

"Like you don't still want Emma," Manny said, and winced at how much more vicious it sounded than she had intended.

"Of course I do," Sean replied even though his tone implied he really meant 'duh' but was too nice. "But it's over."

Manny arched an expertly arched eyebrow in skepticism. "Really?"

"Emma had sex with Craig. I can't get past that," Sean told her.

"Can't? Or won't?"

He flashed back to him saying those exact words to Emma earlier that evening. At the time he had wanted nothing more n the entire world than to have her forgive him.

But now he knew the feeling of having the person you love shatter you very soul with betrayal.

"Both. Emma and me, we're through."

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Emma rolled her eyes at Spike's never ending questions about Craig. If she had known it was going to be like this she would have gone along with the fake sickness she had planned when she thought Craig was coming over.

"I hope he feels better soon," Spike said.

Emma pushed her casserole around on her plate out of sheer boredom and a tiny little bit of guilt that she couldn't explain when she looked at Joey.

"Emma?"

She started and glanced at her mother who was sporting a concerned expression. Then she noticed that the conversation around the dinner table had died, four pairs of eyes intently trained on her.

"What?"

Frowning, Spike handed an empty plate over to her. "I just asked you to make a plate and take over to Craig."

Fear and panic gripped at Emma the same way it had before her anxiety attack the year before. She couldn't see Craig yet … it was too soon, too fresh.

But if she refused, undoubtedly they would want to know why. What was she supposed to say? That she couldn't face him because she too embarrassed about the fact that she had lost her virginity to him the night before while she was mad at her boyfriend for fooling around with her best friend? It took much out of her to even say think it, let alone say it.

"Um," she croaked, "if he's sick I don't want to bother him."

"It's okay, he's just tired more than anything," Joey told her. "Life on the road and all."

Spike and Snake both chuckled along with him and Emma could almost see images of dive bars and groupies running through their minds.

"Go on," Snake said, "You two can catch up without the adults around to nag you with all of our nosy questions."

This met with more lighthearted laughter and Emma cringed inwardly. Seeing no other choice, she took the plate from her mother and began to fix Craig a plate.

Emma walked slowly to Joey's house, contemplating ways to disappear off the face off the earth without ever actually leaving her own street. She knocked quickly and loud and waited only a few seconds before seriously considering just going back home when the door opened. She had been facing the street, and the moment she swung around and met Craig's eyes caused her heart to jump into her throat.

"Hey," she croaked.

"Emma, hey," Craig said. He shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "So, um … how are you?"

"I'm fine. My mom sent this over," she held the plate out toward him.

He looked down at the plate in surprise. "Oh. Um, tell her thanks for me."

"Sure," she replied. She turned to leave, but he called after her.

"You hate me, don't you?"

Emma stopped in her tracks. "No," she answered, "I don't." She couldn't look at him, she was too afraid he would see the loathing in her eyes. But it was self loathing and him knowing that would be even worse.

"Then why won't you look at me?"

She turned toward him reluctantly. Her eyes still downcast she said, "Because I hate myself."

When her eyes finally raised up to meet his, Craig felt his heart constricting. She regretted it, just like he knew she would. He didn't know why he had ever allowed himself to consider otherwise.

Craig wasn't in love with Emma. And he wasn't deluded or arrogant enough to think that she was anywhere close to in love with him. But the idea that their night together was nothing more than a mistake in her mind hurt.

Craig had been standing in the doorway while she spoke. Now he stepped backward and held the door open. "You wanna come in?"

She nodded and walked past him, giving off a whiff of her vanilla shampoo. Memories began to flood through him. Memories of that night, images of Emma he wasn't supposed to have. Craig wasn't supposed to be the one who knew what her mouth felt like against his jaw line. The way her voice sounded whispered in his ear. How her skin tasted beneath his lips. And he definitely was never meant to be the one who knew the glazing of her eyes when she reached her peak. Thinking about it even now made him feel dirty.

"So, um …" he stammered as he took in her standing in Joey's living room, hugging her arms around her thin frame like she was trying to protect herself from him. The very notion made his stomach drop.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked. Off her silence, he went on. "I mean, are you … hurting… or anything?"

"Not physically," she said bluntly.

Craig nodded. He deserved that and he knew it. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"Me too," she sad softly.

"Em," he set the plate down on the coffee table with little regard to the food spilling over and grabbed her hands in his own, "you have no reason to be sorry."

"I'm just as much at fault as you are, Craig," she told him. "I don't need you to shoulder the blame to protect me. I'm a big girl, I can handle it."

"Handle what?" he asked, almost afraid to know the answer. With Emma you never really knew what you were going to get.

Emma had moved to lean against the back of the couch, her arms still crossed over her chest. He mimicked her posture subconsciously, sitting beside her and both of them eying the photo of the two of them with Joey the previous summer at Spike's birthday party.

"I'm not the victim here, Craig," she said, "We were both upset and I wanted you, too."

The confirmation, as unromantic as it was, that Emma had in fact wanted him made him feel oddly validated and his heart ached for just what she had lost on the whim.

"But it was your first time," he whispered and saw her flush in embarrassment out of the corner of his eye. "Don't tell me that's the way you wanted it; with a guy you don't love in a cheap motel room after having your heart broken."

"Of course not, but it happened and I'm not sorry."

At the words he never expected to hear, Craig finally looked up at her. "You're not?"

Emma shook her head. She wasn't, as unlikely as it seemed. A part of her wished her first time hadn't been so random and messy, but the fact that it was someone she cared about as much as she did Craig … she couldn't regret that.

"It was just so …" she went on, "unexpected. I've never felt that way about you before, my little crush aside."

"Me either," he confessed.

With no warning, Emma placed her hands on Craig's face and pulled him into a deep kiss, pouring everything she had into it.

Craig kissed her back just as passionately, only breaking away when the need for oxygen became an issue.

"That was … wow," Craig mumbled.

"Yeah," Emma sounded even less enthused than he did and he glanced at her warily.

"Em, did you …" She looked at him questioningly.

" … feel anything?" he finished.

She shook her head. "Nothing. It was like kissing my hand or something."

"Me too," Craig released a deep sigh and sat on the back of the couch, Emma standing in front of him. "This is weird."

"Tell me about it," she replied. "I don't get it. Last night was …" she trailed off, searching for the right word.

"It was amazing," he supplied with the images still fresh in his mind from touching her again. As much as he'd felt the night before, he was floored there was no spark now.

"Yeah," she agreed. "So why wasn't it just now?"

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