Chapter Ten
Cas could hear them all the way down the hall and into the foyer. Crowley and Olivette were screaming at each other. Cas had a hard time focusing on his book and he imagined all this noise didn't help Sam, Dean, and Charlie with sleeping. Although Sam and Charlie's sleep over in Sam's room is much further down the hall than Dean's room. Cas knew he had to make all this yelling stop. He got up and headed down the dim lit hall to where the bickering was coming from.
"This is in no way my fault!" Crowley cried on the floor his fingers digging in his arm's open wound.
"You said they'd trust us!" Olivette lividly announced.
"Stop it!" Cas broke up the arguing. "It is one o'clock in the morning and people are trying to get some sleep."
"She started it," Crowley moaned in pain.
"Stop that. When it's time to let you got we'll pull them out with tweezers," Cas sighed annoyed.
"I'm not an animal," Crowley said angrily. "Ah! Ha Ha!" Crowley held up the bullet and dropped it on the floor. "One more," he whispered to himself digging now in his thigh.
Cas sighed and pulled out the gun Sam gave him right before he went to sleep, and then shot a devil's trap bullet directly in the middle of Crowley's back. "Now you'll have to wait."
Olivette threw her head back laughing. "That almost makes my day!"
"You little bloody arsehole!" Crowley exclaimed grabbing at his back but not able to reach the spot where the bullet was.
"Now just be quiet and we will check on you in the morning," Cas grumbled. Cas turned around just as Dean was running in the room gun cocked and alarmed. "Dean?"
"What the hell is going on?" Dean asked confused.
"He bloody shot me with another God damned bullet!" Crowley screamed straining to reach his back with no luck.
"Oh," Dean nodded in approval uncocking the gun and sliding it in the back of his sleepy pants. "Okay well just keep it down guys…" Dean started tiredly shuffling out of the room.
Cas followed him out shutting the door to the dungeon. "Hey Dean," Cas called excited to finally have some alone time with Dean.
Dean, who was already half way down the hall, stopped and turned around. "What is it Cas?" Dean replied a tad annoyed.
"Are you feeling okay?" Cas asked concerned about Deans tone.
"Yeah I'm fine," Dean said sharply starting back down the hall.
Cas ran to catch up with him, "You don't seem okay." Cas held his hand up to Dean's forehead, "You're not over heated…"
"Cas stop," Dean moaned pushing Cas' hand away. "Just leave me alone okay? You are literately the last person I want to talk to."
Cas' heart sunk in his chest a little bit… and then a lot. And before he knew it he was standing alone in the hall way. It was the same exact feeling he got when Dean told him he couldn't live in the bunker with him and Sam. It felt like someone was stepping down hard on his heart pushing it deep down into his feet.
"Hey Cas," Sam greeted him confused as to why he was just standing there in the hall way.
Cas turned around to see Sam and Charlie staring at him. "Hi." Was all Cas said.
"What's wrong?" Charlie asked looking at the sad expression on Cas' face that Cas didn't even know was there.
"I um… it's… it's nothing," Cas sighed taking a deep breath.
"How long have you been standing here?" Sam asked.
"Only a moment," Cas mumbled mindlessly looking past Sam and Charlie his eyes not focused on really anything.
"Okay well it's eight thirty in the morning," Sam told him.
"We were going to go make some breakfast… do you want to help? You can make those awesome PB&J's," Charlie added.
"Hmmm," was the noise Cas made. Suddenly Cas snapped back into focus. "Wait what time is it?"
"Eight thirty?" Charlie answered cautious of Cas' mood.
Cas had been standing here seven and a half hours? What the hell happened? Everything just flew by… Those words out of Dean's mouth left him frozen for hours unable to move. Cas took a deep breath. "I'll meet you guys in the kitchen later."
"Uh, sure thing man," Sam nodded walking to the kitchen with Charlie next to him.
Cas turned back around and looked down the long hallway. He found himself eventually moving down it to where Dean's room is. He stood there examining the wooden doors every line and shape. One more deep breath? Cas breathed in and out quickly. Okay… or a short one. Cas knocked on the door. No one answered. Cas opened the door and peeked in to see Dean belly down on the bed snoring on top of the covers. "Dean?" Cas whispered. "Dean," Normal voice. "Dean?" This one got Dean opening his eyes.
Dean lifted his head up looking at Cas. "I told you to leave me alone," Dean sighed planting his face back in the bed.
"It's just we haven't had much time together you and I, an-" Cas started.
"Look Cas," Dean sat up annoyed cutting Cas off. "We don't have to spend any time together at all. What happened at the bar was because I was drunk! It happened because you were in front of me! I would have pounced on anyone okay!? Just forget it," Dean huffed.
Cas' heart sunk even deeper which he didn't think was possible. He thought that maybe now the heart was dragging down his lungs because it became hard to breathe. And to swallow. And move at all. He felt his eyes starting to swell and face start to puff up and suddenly tears were streaming down his face.
"Oh okay," Dean fake chuckled at Cas. "Don't try and pull this on me. Don't start acting like I broke your heart," Dean stood up, his face scrunched up trying not to cry. "I know you don't care. I know who you really love Castiel. And it's not me…" One tear escaped Dean's grasp. "I can't believe I was so stupid to believe you. I actually played your game. This is you lying to me again. And this time it hurt the most… You don't love me…"
"But I do love you!" Cas finally cried out after what felt like forever of trying to speak. Suddenly Cas was standing alone in Dean's room. Dean was gone. Cas glanced at the clock. It had only been an hour this time. Cas found his way out of the room and into the library where Sam and Charlie had their noses deep down in books. "Um, where is Dean?" Cas nervously asked.
Charlie lifted up her head. "Hey we missed you at breakfast… What happened?" Charlie questioned.
"I… um… where is Dean?" Cas repeated.
"He's in the garage with baby and a tool kit. I wouldn't bother him though he looked upset," Sam mentioned.
"I'll take my chances," Cas sighed on his way to the garage.
They were right there Dean was, on his back under baby. Classic rock played on the radio. Cas had never heard this one before which was odd because he had heard all of Dean's songs. At least he thought he had. "Really Cas? Do you not speak English?" Dean cut off Cas' train of thought.
"Dean I do love you and I don't know why you don't think that I do," Cas stated.
Dean slid out from under the impala and stood up. "I can't listen to you say that," Dean growled slamming his fist on the hood of the car. "Every time you say it, it breaks my heart Cas! Because I know it's not true!"
"It is true!" Cas stepped towards Dean but then held himself back.
"Cas I know that you love Hannah," Dean said after a minute of silence. "That's why you told Sam and Charlie it was her who gave you the hicky… You want her not me, and telling people it was her makes you feel like you have her. Just please don't lie to me."
"I don't love Hannah, Dean," Cas corrected Dean. "Hannah was all over me, and even once tried to admit her feelings for me. I could have had her Dean, I really could have. But I don't want her. I've never wanted her. I turned her down. I said no because of you. I'd say no to anyone that wasn't you. I only said it was Hannah because I wasn't sure what to tell Charlie and Sam. It just slipped out. Dean when I was human and I did those things with April, every touch she left, I wished it was you who left it. When she moaned my name I heard your voice. I had to bite my lip not to scream out your name. Every dream I had was about you. The thought of you weaved in and out of my head every second of every day. It still does. It always has!"
"Stop it!" Dean yelled glaring at Cas. Dean's eyes were filled to the brim and were going to over flow. Silence fell between them.
"Here," Cas held out a piece of paper from in trench coat pocket. "I wrote this because I'm not invincible. I wrote it after I was God and I did all those terrible things. I was going to kill myself, Dean. I thought that I didn't deserve to live. The only reason I didn't go through with it is because I'm not strong enough to hurt you. I wrote this for you so that you would know, it's always for you Dean."
After a minute of holding out the letter for Dean to grab it, and Dean not taking it Cas placed it on the red car that sat next to the impala.