Chapter Ten
"Susannah…I…I don't know quite what to say, how to begin," Jesse said, seating us down on the window seat.
"Say what?" I whispered.
"Well, that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened to you Susannah, and for my behavior earlier," Jesse said, shaking his head in disgust at the memory.
"Jesse, really, it's fine," I tried to make him feel better.
"No it's not Susannah. You were in pain and I just left you there," Jesse looked ashamed.
"But you came back," I pointed out.
"Forget about me for a minute, querida," Jesse changed the subject, "How badly did he hurt you? I need you to tell me. The whole truth."
I looked in Jesse's eyes and saw determination. Clearly there was no getting around the question or downplaying it as I did the last time he asked me.
"The day after was the worst," I admitted. "When you came to say goodbye that morning, I felt so terrible and guilty I could barely even look at you," I was looking down at my hands.
"Querida…" Jesse said.
"It's true, I was feeling worthless. But you didn't know what was wrong, you just wanted to say goodbye and I snapped at you," I glanced at Jesse.
He was listening. He nodded to signal for me to continue. I sighed and began to speak again.
"I was so jumpy and anxious that week. I felt trapped, and I almost worried that Jeff would come back. But all I really wanted was you, Jesse. I wanted to tell you. I did, but I didn't know how…" I trailed off, "And later I had to ask Paul for help on a mediation, and we met Jeff's cousin. He actually mentioned Jeff and apparently, I wasn't his first victim. One of his victims actually murdered him," I rambled on.
I looked into Jesse's eyes and he seemed to be processing everything I was telling him. I was tired of doing all the talking at this point though.
"But as of right now," I picked up Jesse's hand, "I'm feeling better."
Jesse brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it tenderly. We sat quietly for a while, both taking in what had been said.
"Just—why didn't you tell me?" Jesse asked calmly.
"I don't know…well there were a couple of reasons," I decided to try to explain my reasoning.
"I'd really like to know," Jesse said simply.
"Okay well first I didn't know how to go about in telling you. I was scared of your reaction. I didn't want to upset you, or cause you to do something rash," I said.
"Is that all?" he asked, looking me in the eye.
"I was a little worried of what you would think of me, if it would change things between us," I said so quickly I wasn't sure if Jesse understood.
"Querida, if you had come to me right away the only people I would have been mad at would be myself and that Jeff character," he said to me.
"My point exactly. None of this is your fault Jesse," I told him sternly.
"I'm the reason Jeff met you…" he trailed off.
"I don't blame you, so I see no reason for you to blame yourself," I continued.
"What if we had stayed at my hotel a little longer? Hm? This whole thing could have been avoided," Jesse eyes widened as he said it. I could tell that he didn't mean to say that out loud.
"Jesse, if I had stayed at your hotel, and we had done what I wanted us to do so badly…I still think Jeff would have showed up and done what he did to me. But it would have been ten times worse because my first time with you would be overshadowed by a rape," I was beginning to lose composure again.
"I'm sorry, I just wish you didn't have to go through this, querida," he said solemnly.
"Me too," I agreed.
Jesse got up again and began to pace in front of me. He ran his hands through his hair; I could tell he was thinking—remembering something.
"That morning after your birthday, when I came to say goodbye, you were resisting me—and I just wanted to know if you need to set some boundaries as you recover, that I will go along with whatever you decide," he said finally.
"Boundaries?" I was confused.
"We learned about rape victims at school," Jesse cringed as he said the word rape, "In most cases the victim is uncomfortable with the human touch after the incident."
"But you grabbed me and kissed me earlier," I pointed out.
"I know, and I am so sorry Susannah. I shouldn't have done that, it's just I was feeling rather confused at that moment and seeing you set me straight and—
"No, I'm not upset about it. I wasn't accusing you; I'm just trying to prove a point. I may not be the most emotionally stable person right now, I don't want things to change between us," I interrupted him.
"Susannah I do not want you to rush your recovery for my benefit," Jesse crossed his arms over his chest.
"It isn't," I grabbed his hand again.
I stood up next to him. I raised our interlocked hands as evidence.
"I'm not going to lie, this has affected me. I haven't been the same as I normally am, and I'm working to get better. But Jeff is gone now so I don't have to worry. And Jesse, I trust you. I know you would never do anything to hurt me, when you kiss me I don't think about the man who forced me to kiss him. Sure I have been acting like a crazed person when I go out in public lately, but when you're around I'm fine. I love you, I trust you, so no boundaries," I spoke very clearly so Jesse would understand.
Jesse stared at me then, as if trying to figure out how to react to my mini speech. I guess he figured that kissing me was the best way to respond, not that I was complaining. The feel of his tan muscular arms around me didn't frighten me, it comforted me. His lips kissing my lips, my face, my neck didn't send me screaming.
I was worried too that I would be scared to be with Jesse after the incident, but what I told him was true. I trusted him, and the only reason I didn't tell him about what happened immediately was that I was messed up. I was happy that Jesse being here helped me come to the realization, and I kissed him a little harder. We finally parted, both of us panting.
"There is one little thing I do need to tell you," I said when my breathing slowed.
"What is it?" Jesse asked.
"You don't need to worry about the whole sex thing anymore," I said.
Jesse raised his eyebrows.
"Now I think it is a good idea to wait. Until I'm married or something," I said.
This was humiliating. After all of this time of trying to get Jesse to sleep with me I was telling him that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want Jesse; it was that I didn't want sex…at least not for a while. I liked to think of myself as a virgin still, putting the shower incident behind me, trying to move forward with my life. It was just awkward saying all of this to my boyfriend.
"I hate that this is how I have to get my way," Jesse admitted.
It was all very bittersweet to him probably. I finally agreed with him, but at what expense?
"I still want to marry you, querida," he said, reading my next thought.
"So it doesn't bother you that I'm not a virgin anymore?" I asked him.
"Of course it bothers me," he began and my face fell, "Not like that!" he said quickly at the sight of my sad eyes.
"It bothers me that it was stolen from you. If you weren't a virgin before we became a couple, but it was by choice, I wouldn't care. Susannah it's you that I want to be with, not your virginity," he concluded.
I laughed at this. Jesse smiled at me, happy to be making me feel better. I knew it might seem petty or the worst time, but I felt the open forum atmosphere would be the perfect time to bring up something else.
"Is there any part of you that is mad at Jeff for um taking me?" I asked nervously.
I seemed to have lost all of my sex related confidence. In the past when having these somewhat awkward conversations I found it useful to face the situation head on with a ton of confidence in my voice, even when Jesse wouldn't agree with me. But of course, things had changed. It didn't look like Jesse minded though.
"Yes, a little bit. It's selfish I know, but I love you so much Susannah, and part of me is furious that another man touched you. Took what I have been struggling to resist for as long as we've been dating. Just the thought of any other man with you makes me sick. I know its selfish for me to think this way, you're the one who had to experience it," Jesse said, looking ashamed again.
I on the other hand was shocked. I knew Jesse wanted me on some level, but "struggling to resist"? I had no idea. He made it seem so easy. And hearing this part of Jesse's thoughts didn't make me upset with him, because I knew that if roles were reversed that I would feel that way too. Jesse began to look panicked at my silence.
"You really struggle to resist me?" I asked him, still in shock.
"Yes of course Susannah!" he exclaimed, and then glanced at me carefully as if evaluating if I was emotionally ready for what he was about to say. "That's part of the problem, I want you so badly sometimes I get carried away and I fear that I would be the one taking advantage of you. Especially now I do not want to force myself on you in any way," he said carefully.
I zoned out, suddenly a stream of memories from that terrible night, my own birthday hit me. Remembering Jeff grabbing me roughly and holding me down to prevent me from kicking and hitting him. His cold lips pressed forcefully against mine.
"Querida?" Jesse asked concern laced his voice as he broke me from my thoughts.
"Jesse, I know what forced feels like. And you have nothing to worry about," I said very seriously.
I didn't know quite what to say after I said that. I couldn't help but cry. Even when everything seemed to be looking up with Jesse, out of nowhere I thought of Jeff. Jesse knew what to do right away, guiding us to my bed and just holding me in his arms as I cried.
It had been a long day. I was never much of a crier, I'd like to think of myself as tough, but it seemed as though everything was finally catching up with me. Tears were just rolling out of my eyes with no sign of stopping. I was soaking Jesse's shirt but he didn't seem to mind. He was quiet as he held me. Just sometimes he would brush my hair back or kiss the side of my head. It was rather comforting.
When I finally stopped crying Jesse brushed away my tears and spoke.
"I didn't mean to upset you," he looked guilty.
"You didn't, well a little but I'm alright now," I assured him.
"There's actually something different I wanted to talk to you about," Jesse was changing the subject.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"I think I might be transferring schools," Jesse told me.
"Oh really?" I said, "Do you know where to?"
"Yes, Northwestern University," Jesse said, waiting for my reaction.
"That's in Chicago, isn't it?" I asked him.
"Actually I believe it's in the suburbs of Chicago," Jesse corrected me.
"Isn't that school really expensive?" I couldn't help but ask.
"They've offered to cover about 85% of the cost, but Illinois is rather far," Jesse said.
"Do you like the school?" I asked him.
"Yes, I was actually thinking of visiting this weekend, and I'd like for you to come with me," Jesse said finally.
"As in go with you to Chicago?" I raised an eyebrow.
"If you're not feeling up to it, I completely understand. But I've saved up enough money from my job at school and the one outside school to afford it," Jesse looked at me sheepishly. Clearly he'd planned this out.
"Of course I want to go. It might be nice to get away for a weekend, but I'll have to ask my mom," I told him.
"Speaking of your mom, maybe I should get going," Jesse looked worried at the prospect of being found in my bed together.
"No, not yet, please," I clung to him.
"Okay, Okay, I'll stay," Jesse looked relieved that he didn't have to leave.
So I curled up next to him and relaxed. His arms were still around me and I fell asleep. I guess it was all of the crying that I had done that made me so sleepy. Before asleep I looked into Jesse's dark brown eyes, staring down at me, and I was so grateful to have him with me, and I knew that we would be all right.
Author's Note: Oops. I thought I had posted chapter nine ages ago...my bad! Well here's chapter ten too! Tell me what you think.
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