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Moments Lost
That following Monday morning Kyla and I drove to school. I was still a little lost with everything that had happened on Saturday night with Spencer and me. She actually told me that she loved me and it confused me so much more. I care for her a lot but as for the love part that's not there. Of course all I did was make it even more complicated for me as I repeated the words in my sleep.
"I love you."
I'm really starting to hate those words.
So now I was walking around with a girlfriend that thinks that I love her. I couldn't tell her that I didn't mean to say that to her. I couldn't deal with hurting someone who I cared for a lot once again.
Maybe I can learn to love her. Maybe.
xxxx
"Hey baby." Spencer ran up to me as she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
Oh did I mention shes been way open about the both of us in public ever since the words were spoken to eachother.
Well she has.
She hasn't came out to her parents yet but she said that she had to find the right time to break it to them. That was going to be a very big thing for her and I knew that I was going to have to help her through it all when the time comes. Her brothers Glen and Clay know about her but I haven't heard them say anything about it. She hasn't told if they have a problem with her so I guess that was a good sign there.
"Hi." I said to her as I hugged her back.
Spencer is great to me and the fact that I feel like I'm lying to her in some way kills me inside.
I stood there breathing her in and loving that smell that makes my nose go crazy. I could grow to love her.
Right?
"I missed you last night." Her smile made me smile and I grabbed a hold of her hand lacing our fingers together as we walked into the school.
"I missed you to." I told her as she squeezed my hand.
"So are we going to do anything today?" It was Monday and I had told Dr. Carlin that I would come in on Monday afternoons for now on.
"Umm actually can it be a little bit later because I'm heading into Dr. Carlins office today." Spencer looked at me trying to see if I was keeping something from her.
"Is everything ok?" She stopped us as we were by my locker.
"Yeah everything's ok. I just want to keep my appointments with him. I like to talk with him about everything." Her face dropped and I knew that I said something that upset her.
"You can't talk to me?" Spencer asked with hurt in her voice.
"Spencer you know it's not like that. Of course I can talk to you, but it's way easier to talk to a stranger that doesn't know anything about my life." I pulled her towards me and I kissed the top of her head.
"Please don't think that I can't talk to you Spence because that's far from the truth. So I'll see you after?" I kissed her nose and then her mouth. I could of so easily went deeper with our kiss but I pulled back and got inside of my locker.
"Do you want me to pick you up and then we can go and grab something to eat?" I shook my head yes and then gave her a smile confirming that that would be great.
School started shortly after that and for once I was actually glad for it starting. I walked Spencer to class and right when I was going to walk away from her she grabbed a hold of my hand and brought me back to her.
"Where you going to leave me without giving me a kiss?" She was really cute. Her voice lighten up my heart and I leaned into her giving her a kiss on the lips. Spencer sent me overboard with her kiss. Why was it so hard not to be in love with this girl?
She's perfect. She wants me. She loves me. She wants to take care of me.
But yet here I am not even into the kiss like she is.
I really hate myself right now.
xxxx
"So how was your week Ashley?" Dr. Carlin asked me as I was getting comfortable on the couch in front of him.
"The week from hell but that shouldn't be a shocker right."
"How so?"
"Ok let me start from the beginning. Remember me telling you about my sisters bestfriend?"
"Yes."
"Well we were actually getting closer with eachother. I could tell that she was falling for me and I was with her. Of course though Dani was still in the back on my mind and she was the whole reason why I can't get to close to her. So Saturday rolls around and we are having a conversation about being a couple. I like her a lot but I'm still so unsure about a lot of things right now with my life. Everything was actually going pretty good with us until Mrs. Giovanni showed up at the front door."
"Now who is this?"
"Danis mom."
"Oh I see."
"So do you see where I went crazy for a little bit there. Here everything was actually becoming normal I guess you can say and then Dani pops up into my face. I swear I think I'm going to go crazy. I'm literally trying my best to cope with everything from my past and it's just getting thrown back at me. I don't know what to do anymore."
"Why do you think everything keeps on happening the way that they are?"
"Because she's angry with me. I promised her that I would love her forever and here I am with someone else and she's paying me back."
"Do you love her?"
"Who?" I asked not sure of who he was talking about.
"Your girlfriend now."
That's where I paused because yeah I've told her that I've loved her but it wasn't intended for her. My mind is running a marathon right now and I know I'm going to crash and burn.
"I don't know." That was the truth. I didn't really know how I felt about Spence.
"I think that Dani would want you to be happy with your life Ashley. Your letting the death of your girlfriend take over your feelings that you should be displaying for your girlfriend now. What I think that you should do is go to your room and get rid of everything that you have from Dani and put it in a box. It will help you to move on and try to figure out your life in front of you. Yes Dani died but you didn't. You need to live your life Ashley and holding onto the past won't let you move on."
Wow he was good.
"Ashley I forgot to ask you. What's your girlfriends name?"
Haha. This whole time I had forgotten to mention Spencers name. Yeah I'm stupid.
"Oh sorry Doc. Her names Spencer." I actually said it with a big smile and he looked at me as if I just did something to him. Why was he looking at me like that?
"Spencer?" He repeated.
"Yeah you know she's actually one of your clients." I told him as I was getting up to grab my bag from the floor.
"Ashley she isn't my client. She's my daughter." That's were I was slapped in the face. Dr. Carlin. Spencer Carlin. How stupid can I be? That's why she was here when I came that first day. Why didn't she mention that to me?
I stood there not sure what I was suppose to say after that. Spencer wasn't out to her parents and now I just outed her to her dad. My shrink. This is just perfect.
"I think your sessions done Ashley." He had a straight face on him and I was once again feeling like shit. Damn things just keep getting better and better.
I grabbed my things and started walking out of the door when I noticed Spencer sitting in the chair reading a magazine. Gees Spencer couldn't you just wait for me outside.
"Spencer." I heard Dr. Carlins words behind me which sounded like he was pissed. This wasn't going to be good at all. I think I had fear written all over my face that when she saw me she kind of froze up herself.
"Yeah." She stood to her feet and walked over to the room while I moved out of the way and right when she was passing me I whispered 'I'm sorry' to her.
The door was shut and I went downstairs. I was not going to sit in that waiting area and hear them argue about me or her sex preference.
xxxx
I was sitting on a bench outside the office and was thinking about everything Dr. Carlin had told me about Dani and then I was thinking about what was going to happen now that her father knew about us. Things weren't suppose to come out like this. Damn it why didn't she just tell me that was her father.
Ugh!
It wasn't her fault. It was mine. I should of noticed the last name. I should of put two and two together but no I was to caught up in my life to even give a damn to the people around me.
As soon as Spencer got out of the building I stood up so fast to see her with her face down to the ground. She wouldn't look at me.
"Spence." I tried to get her to look at me but still didn't even budge.
"We better go Ash. I'll drop you off at your house. I'm not really hungry anymore."
"Spencer look at me." She stood there by the car not moving.
"Spencer please look at me." Spencer turned around to see nothing but blood shot eyes. She'd been crying for awhile and it was because of me.
I took her into my arms and held her tight. At first she resisted me but after a second she embraced me as well. She cried more and more into me as we stood there outside the building of her fathers office.
"I'm so sorry Spencer. I didn't know that was your father. I promise you with everything that I did not know. I should of paid more attention to the things around me. I should of stopped worrying about my shit to be there for you. I'm so sorry Spence. Please tell me your ok." I pulled back and wipped the tears from her face and for the first time I saw something there that I never saw before. I saw her.
I saw the girl that helped me when I was fighting myself about Dani. I saw the girl who took care of me when I was drunk off my ass and wanted to continue to drink so I wouldn't have to feel anything. I saw the girl who loves me no matter how many flaws I have.
She is so beautiful in so many ways and I don't understand why I didn't see this before. Her eyes beamed right back at me with so much want and so much need that it was killing me inside.
"I love you Ash." She finally spoke to me as we stood there in silence just looking at one another. My grin turned into a smile and hers did the same.
"I love you more." I whispered into her mouth as I lightly placed my lips apon hers giving into all of my feelings and actually meaning every word I said to her. When I finally broke the kiss I opened up the car door for her and she got right in it. If she wanted to talk then she knew that she could talk to me when she wanted to. I wasn't going to push her into telling me everything that happened up there even though I was dying to know what went on.
xxxx
Spencer and I laid on the couch watching a movie. She still hasn't brought up everything that happened today with her father which is starting to make me think that it's worse. Spencer had her head on my chest and I had my arm wrapped around her back holding her tight. It felt so good to have her so close to me. I wanted to forever stay in this position with her.
"Spence."
"Hmm." Right when I was about to ask her what happened today her phone started to ring.
"Hold on." Spencer got up and dug through her purse for the phone.
"Hello." I could hear someone yelling in the back ground and it sounded female. It must be her mom.
"Mom stop yelling! I hear you ok." Yep it was her mom.
"Yes I'll be home in a few minutes. Ok, bye." Spencer was on the verge of crying.
"So I guess you have to go now." Spencer was still looking at her phone and she shook her head yes.
"Are you going to be ok?" I grabbed a hold of her hand wanting to make sure before she left here.
She glanced towards me and tried to give me a smile. Nice try but I wasn't buying it.
"I'll try to call you later."
Try?
"Umm ok." I walked Spencer to the door and we stood there. I placed my hands on her waist and she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"I really am sorry about everything Spencer. Your dad. How I've been treating you. Everything! You mean a lot to me and I want you to know that I love you." Spencers cheeks grew pink and I saw a blush. It was by far the cutest thing that I have seen on her beautiful face. She placed her hands on my cheeks and I inched my way closer to her.
"I love you too Ash. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise ok." She placed a kiss on each side of my cheeks and then last but definitely not least she placed a sweet kiss on my lips. I didn't want to stop the kiss because I didn't want to let her go. Instead of me stopping it she pulled away and said she had to get going. I walked with her outside to her car and she got in. She drove away with a smile on her face and a wave in the breeze.
xxxx
That night I didn't hear from Spencer like she said she would try to. I tried to call her cell but all I got was her voicemail.
I was starting to get a bad feeling about everything that happened today.
I'll just talk to her about it tomorrow.
(A/N: SO what do you guys think?? PLease give me some feed back. U hate it? U love it? Both? I don't know just show some responce hahaha...well thank you all for everything! I'll post soon! Promise!)