** this took a life of its own. I hope you enjoy x **

She lay back against his chest, his arms and legs were wrapped possessively around her. His face buried in her hair. She knew for him it kept the nightmares at bay.

Whether he knew it or not she was aware of his night terrors. He would wake in a cold sweat murmuring and at those moments she would turn into his embrace and hug him tightly making his subconscious known that she was there, that he was safe. In the mornings he had never acknowledged or addressed the matter so she assumed he remained unaware.

Jack never spoke of his time away and she didn't want to press him. She had hoped that his friendship with Lee and Frank would allow him an outlet if he wasn't willing to share it with her, but she also knew that he was not quite ready.

As he fell into a deep sleep she had slipped out of his embrace to finish packing and check on Kenzie. The rest of the packing didn't take long and had finished in time for Kenzie's midnight feed.

After putting Kenzie down Elizabeth had thrown on Jack's sweater over her night gown and let herself out the door to sit on their porch steps to clear her head. She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there when Rosemary sat beside her.

"Hey, what are you doing up?" She asked looking up at her friend in surprise,

"One could ask you the same question," Rosemary replied. Elizabeth smiled

"Touché,"

"I was feeding Mary Beth and I heard your door open. I came after she finished to see what goes on in the mind of yours,"

"A lot and not much sums it up." Elizabeth replied.

"It's been a big few days, few weeks?"

"It has been. Today went beautifully though. I'm so happy for Abigail and Frank."

"Yeah me too."

"To think..." Rosemary placed a hand on Elizabeth's knee who couldn't quite finish her sentence.

"I know,"

"Elizabeth, does Jack know?" Elizabeth shook her head. There was so much Jack didn't know and there was no telling if there would ever be the right time to tell him.

"It wasn't something you write in a letter Rosie," she answered quietly.

"He's back now Lizzie, let him be there for you. Share the burdens you've carried alone those fourteen almost fifteen months he was gone."

"I never carried them alone Rosie," she said with gratitude to her friend. Rosemary smiled and looped an arm through Elizabeth's.

"I know you don't want him to feel bad Elizabeth, but you can't pretend your life stood still whilst he was away. He missed out on a lot and you need to fill those gaps for him so he can there for you. He deserves the chance do that."

"Rosie, he's already struggling with being back, slipping back in, fighting off whatever demons he encountered whilst he was away. I don't want to add to that."

"Then you're the one putting the distance between you. You're the one not allowing him to be there for you. You're the one who's not willing to trust him with your heart fully. You're the one punishing you both." Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears. Elizabeth lay her head on Rosemary's shoulder.

"I keep waiting for him to tell me he's leaving again."

Jack's heart stilled he as heard the brokenness in her voice as she uttered those words. He had awoken to find her missing from their bed and after he checked on Kenzie he had gone looking for her. He could hear soft voices out the front porch and as he came closer he saw Rosemary and Elizabeth sitting side by side on their porch steps. He watched as Elizabeth lay her head on Rosemary's shoulder and tell her that she was expecting him to leave her again.

Truth of the matter was he couldn't blame her for thinking that. It would be the nature of his job, but he also has not spoken of work since his return. He had avoided the topic altogether not really giving her the opportunity to ask whether he was to stay or go. He never gave her any guarantees upon his return that he was home for good. For all she knew he was on vacation and would eventually return to duty.

He also knew that for all of her letters there was so much he didn't know. The more time passed that he was home the more gaps he found. Of things he didn't know.

"We should go to bed. You still have a long day of traveling ahead of you. With kids no less. You should try and attempt some rest."

"I haven't slept in 16 months Rosie, what's one more night." Elizabeth said dryly.

"Not to sound repetitive, but talk to your husband. He deserves to know the good and the bad even if he wasn't here."

"So you keep telling me," Elizabeth said sticking her tongue out at her friend making them both laugh. Rosemary stood to her feet and pulled Elizabeth to hers.

"I don't say it enough, but thank you Rosie. For being there, for everything."

"It's what friends are for. Now scoot." Elizabeth laughed as Rosemary poked her until she was at her door.

"Goodnight Rosie,"

"Goodnight Lizzie,"

"Say goodnight to Lee and thank him for letting you out of the house to talk your friend off her ledges...again," she added.

"I will do." Rosemary replied giving her friend a quick hug.

Elizabeth entered to find Jack sitting on the couch looking at her expectantly. She suspected he had heard parts if not all of their conversation. Not ready to discuss it with him Elizabeth sighed deeply and went to the kitchen to make herself some tea. His eyes followed her wherever she went but he remained in his seat unmoving not speaking. As though waiting for her to be ready.

"I don't want to do this with you." She said in a whisper closing her eyes. Her hands gripping the sink. Jack stood to his feet and approached her. She felt his nearness immediately and stepped aside before he could touch her.

"Elizabeth,"

"Fourteen months is a long time Jack and I know you know that better than anyone. That whilst you may not have been here I was surrounded by people who loved and cared for me while you were there all alone..." Elizabeth took another deep breath before she began,

"A month after you were gone I realised I was pregnant with Kenzie. Those first few months was tough knowing I was pregnant and you weren't here and I couldn't share the news with you. I was feeling out of sorts and Abigail suggested I go home to Hamilton for a couple of weeks. My parents knew by then I was pregnant and were very supportive. She thought that change of scenery would do me good. She wouldn't let me travel on my own because I was pregnant and because it's me so she insisted on taking me. The Stage, on the way was in a huge collision. Abigail and I were injured." Jack reached to touch her but she as lost in the memory and didn't look at him.

"By God's Grace despite my injuries Kenzie remained unharmed. Abigail's injuries however were critical. She lay in a coma for a couple of weeks and we thought we were going to lose her. Frank and I stayed vigil at her beside. Cody, Becky and Clara too. A year ago yesterday Abigail opened her eyes and Frank asked her to marry him right then and there. Their wedding was a beautiful celebration of their new life but it was also a reminder of what we could have lost. With the exception of you leaving, the day of that accident was the worst day of my life. It took a few more weeks before Abigail was fully recovered. Even then there are some days..."

Jack rubbed her hand with his,

"You said that you were injured."

"Broken ankle, cuts, bruises, deep gash on my head, concussion. It was more the scare of losing Kenzie,"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"What for? By the time you would have heard it would be all over. It wouldn't have changed anything except the fact that you would worry more and be distracted."

"Elizabeth, something could have happened to you."

"Lots of things happened Jack, there are things I couldn't tell you for the same reasons you couldn't tell me."

"But that's different," he protested. Elizabeth shook her head.

"It really isn't. You didn't tell me because you didn't want me to worry about you. I didn't tell you because I knew you would worry about me. I knew that it would only distract you, and then what would happen. If I had told you I was pregnant, you would have felt guilty you weren't here. You worried about be enough when you were actually here and I was just me. Lets add a child into that mix. Lets add the fact that you left not knowing when you would be back. That we both knew that there was no end date to whatever it was you were signing up for and then what? You torture yourself daily with how big my belly has gotten? Am I eating enough? How bad are my morning sickness and wonder how I delivered the baby whether we both made it? Were you going to be satisfied with getting a letter telling you we had a girl? There's no easy answers here Jack. It is what it is. You made a choice and so did I?"

"Elizabeth...do you?" Elizabeth stopped him before he could go on,

"No Jack, I don't regret marrying you. I don't regret loving you or waiting for you. I would do it all again. But a part of me feels like you keep that part of your life so separate from me that you're cheating me out of a huge part of who you are. By you keeping me out of that part of my life it's like any second now you can rip the rug from under me. You make those decisions on your own and expect me discuss mine. You were the one who chose not to take on your assignment without discussing it with me and I understand why, but you didn't even give me the opportunity to be supportive. Yes I would have preferred if you didn't go but give me some credit Jack. If that's what you wanted and felt you had to do I would have liked to think that you would know I would support you and wait for you. I loved you that much. Instead you chose not to tell me until you turned it down, no discussions necessary. But then Doug died and you couldn't even look at me." Elizabeth wiped the tear that escaped and Jack reached for her but she stepped back

"You made me feel like it was my fault you didn't go,"

"Elizabeth no,"

"Whether you said it or even felt it your countenance spoke a thousand words."

"I never meant to, losing Doug..." he stammered

"And you felt you lost him because you stayed,"

"I chose to stay,"

"Why?" She challenged,

"You know why," he answered,

"You use that red jacket to draw a line between us whether you know it or not. I respect duty and honour and I know it comes before all even before me and I can live with that. It's your calling and God's calling comes first. But you know as well as I do that it haunts you at night and even during the day. You choose not to talk to me about it further drawing the lines wider between us and I'm scared that a day will come when I cannot close that gap." Jack stepped forward and drew her into his arms. Elizabeth's arms remained by her side,

"I'm sorry, baby I am so sorry." He pleaded in her ear as one arm held her tightly against him and the other cradling her head against his chest.

As though sensing that all was not well Kenzie let out a wail from her room. Elizabeth freed herself from Jack's grasp to tend to their daughter leaving him in the kitchen. When he heard Kenzie settle he waited for her to return, when she didn't he walked up the stairs to find Elizabeth rocking Kenzie on the chair. She was singing ever so faintly immediately calming Kenzie. He stood by the door and watched his girls so proud of them both. When Kenzie had slid into deep slumber Elizabeth put her down on her cot and headed back to their bedroom. How different it looked hours ago to now. She removed his sweater and slid back into the covers, her back to his side. Jack stood at the door,

"I never once blamed you for my decision to not go that first time. That was all on me and I am sorry if you thought for one moment that was on you. The moment I was offered that position the first thing that popped to my mind was you. How I didn't want to leave you and miss what could be. I didn't tell you not because I didn't trust you would support my decision. I didn't tell you because I knew you would and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave you. I felt guilty because I was being selfish. I knew my reasons for saying no and my decision led to Doug taking my place. Because of my decision he died. I have to live with that. I chose to take the position because yes I felt guilty, but also because I didn't want his death to be in vain. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about it, but you have it all wrong. Elizabeth you're my best friend in the whole world, you know me better than anyone. You get me with one look, believe me when I tell you it wasn't you. It was all me." Whilst Elizabeth did not speak he saw her shoulders shake, he slid into bed beside her and pulled her into his arms.

"Elizabeth, please look at me." Elizabeth turned to face him, tears in her eyes.

"Oh sweetheart," he murmured hugging her tightly as he wiped her tears away placing his lips on her forehead.

"There is no line Elizabeth, if there was before it stops here. Mountie business or not we make any decision together. I promise you." Elizabeth fell asleep wrapped in Jack's arms. He lay awake holding her, their conversation playing over and over in his head.