A/N: Probably my last update before Christmas, I hope to get more a couple more updates done before the New Year. If not... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
When Nat awoke his leg felt numb, he slowly looked down and realized he wasn't wearing pants, he then immediately noticed the 40 stitches up his leg. He looked around and noticed he was in the hospital.
"Morning Nat," His dad said quietly.
"Hey dad," Nat said softly as remembered last night.
"Do you..." Nat began heavily trying to work out what to say.
"Nat I don't think any less of you whatsoever," Mr Wolff said softly.
"What about Alex is he mad at me?" Nat asked.
"We haven't told him what happened like you ask, though you do know Alex is probably the one person who knows exactly what you were feeling last night." Mr Wolff said softly.
"What do you mean?" Nat asked quietly.
"Nat you and Alex are two peas in a pod. It's a little scary how alike you to are. First off you both bottle it up, you both care about each other more than anything, you both feel guilty for everything that has happened." Mr Wolff said softly. "Remember when Alex won the brother of the year thing for you, and he was yelling and screaming about how miserable he was, and how he wanted to die, but cared to much... Something tells me that's exactly what stopped you last night."
Nat looked up at his dad, "He'll blame himself," Nat said quietly.
"And then you'll blame yourself, and Alex will blame himself more. Neither of you has quite worked out, that sometimes things are beyond you're control and are not either yours or Alex's faults." Mr Wolff said softly.
"Thanks dad," Nat said softly sitting up and hugging his dad.
"It's ok Nat, you can talk to me any time about how your feeling, you know your mother and I will always be here for you." Mr Wolff whispered to Nat gently.
"But Alex always seems to need so much attention..." Nat said.
"We will always make the time, we love you Nat," Mr Wolff said softly.
"Love you too dad," Nat cried as he and his dad continued to hug.
"I know Nat, Now I think they have Dr Stein coming in to talk to you to start of with, and then if you want we can go see Alex," Mr Wolff said softly.
"I don't want to, everyone will stare at me," Nat said, he knew people would look at him, and judge him, that they would somehow be able to know what he was feeling and thinking and know he was crazy.
"No they won't, this insecurity is natural, and either me or Abigail will be here every step of the way." Mr Wolff said to reassure Nat.
It was a few hours later, when Nat and Mr Wolff entered Alex's room, Nat being pushed in a wheelchair to keep the weight of his leg.
"What happened to your leg?" Alex asked tiredly as he looked at Nat and could see all the stitches in his legs.
"Cut it on some glass," Nat said nervously.
Mr Wolff wheeled Nat closer to Alex.
"How?" Alex asked quietly.
"Kicked a window" Nat said quietly hoping Alex wouldn't here him.
Alex immediately grabbed Nats hand.
"Cause you felt angry, and depressed and you wanted to break things?" Alex asked softly.
"Uh-huh," Nat said even quieter.
"And you want to hit people and smash your head against things to try and make it stop?" Alex asked again.
"Uh-huh" Nat said yet even quieter still.
"And then you want to kill yourself, because nothing works, everything sucks and it's never going to get better... and you try to, but you can't and it upsets you even more," Alex said.
Nat looked up into Alex's and they both just looked deeply into each others eyes not saying another word, but they both seemed to understand.
It was ten minutes before Nat finally spoke.
"How do you know what I was feeling?" Nat asked softly.
"Because I feel it lots, it hurts your heart and breathing hurts, and your gut his burning on fire and it attacks your brain and everything is black and angry and you don't care any more, you going to expolode, so you have to break things and hit people to try and stop it," Alex said getting wound up about, tears silently streaming down his checks.
"It's ok Alex calm down," Abigail said sitting on his other side grabbing his hand and squeezing it.
"You don't think I'm being stupid?" Nat asked Alex quietly, he was so scared he felt like he was going to be sick, but his dad and Dr Stein both impressed on him that he could trust Alex.
"Not unless you think I'm being stupid," Alex mumbled quietly.
Nat couldn't help but grimace a little, and Alex grimaced a little back at him.
"Did you want to try and kill yourself to be like me?" Alex asked softly.
"I didn't want to or I don't want to?" Nat said getting confused. "I feel so guilty, knowing that you can't walk and how much your back hurts is my fault."
"Nat," Abigail said quietly as Alex began fiddling with his blanket in a desperate attempt to avoid having to watch his brother hit him and hit him and hit him and hit him with a baseball bat.
"I wanted to break my back..." Nat mumbled.
"STOP IT!" Alex shouted at him, he wasn't angry at Nat, but words could not describe how much Alex did not want to remember.
Nat looked up at Alex, he could see the desperation and the fear as Alex's eyes shimmered before the tears started cascading down his checks.
"I'm sorry Alex," Nat said softly, before hugging Alex tightly. He could feel his brothers arms reach behind his neck.
"Please don't make me remember that Nat," Alex cried softly.
"I won't Alex, I'm sorry." Nat whispered.
It was five minutes later before Nat and Alex stopped hugging, with Nat in a wheelchair and Alex on the bed, it was the most uncomfortable hug they ever had, but they both needed.
"We're pretty screwed up huh," Alex said looking around the room.
"With what you and Nat have been through you'd have to be pretty screwed up not to be pretty screwed up right now. But that's ok, because we are here to unscrew you up." Mr Wolff said softly.
"Wouldn't that be screwing us down," Alex asked confused.
"I would say get hammered, but you boys are too young to drink," Abigail chuckled, Nat smiled a little and Alex just scowled at her.
I hate alc... alc... aclo... aclo... alcohol," Alex stammered.
"We know, Alex, one day we will have a good talk about it alright?" His dad said quietly. Alex hated the smell more than anything, it scared him, it reminded him of Juanita's aunt. He remembered after sharing a bottle of wine over dinner with John and Laura how Alex wouldn't come close to any of them.
"The bands still coming today right?" Alex asked before yawning.
"Yeah, they'll come this afternoon so you can sleep" Abigail said softly, "And yes Alex they are smuggling you in non hospital food."
"Alex please don't tell the band about this." Nat suddenly pleaded desperately.
"They'll understand... they understand me... I think." Alex mumbled tiredly.
"Please Alex, I'm scared," Nat pleaded.
"It's scary huh,?" Alex asked.
"Really Alex? Did you really just say being scared is scary," Abigail said with a chuckle.
"Uh-huh," Alex said with a tired grimace, before looking at Nat. "Ok, Nat,"
"Love you Alex," Nat said still scared but also relieved.
"Love you too Nat," Alex said giving Nat's hand a final squeeze before he let himself fall asleep.