Well this is a contest entry already up on sppf so it's here too. Sorry if any parts are awkward and seem like a swear word should be there, I censored them all originally but like deleted the star symbol :c so idk lol. ENJOY :D
In reply to reviews: Blake: my faithful reviewer ;; Well they were on vacation, thus not at Veilstone. :P But glad you liked it! AppealShippingRulez: We're assuming she suddenly had an epiphany that there was a 10 year, underage difference going on... then decided ohey, it didn't REALLY matter that much. o)
Team Galactic decides to cash in on Team Rocket's old money scheme, SLOWPOKETAILS. Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck.
"How did Team Rocket get all their money? They were never so rich before the invasion of Johto. Madame Boss didn't have a hidden cash cow. So HOW?" Mars yelled at the bleeding, bruised Rocket executive, smacking him with the back of her hand. Each finger had a large, pronged ring, and the jewelry left bloody cuts across the loyal Rocket's face. The gemstones had been removed, leaving only the open, sharpened prongs.
He steeled himself against her next blow as she continued to scream at him for the secret to Team Rocket's fortune. "WHAT IS IT?!" the redhead fumed, raking her blood-stained rings down his chest over his heart. Pools of blood were collecting on the floor, and as she stepped to kick his back the puddles splashed up, coating his bare legs.
With her kick the chair he'd been tied to broke, and he flew onto the floor, attempting to raise his nose out of the hot, red liquid so he didn't drown. He felt her cold hand wrap around his neck and her perfectly-polished nails dig into his throat. Gurgling up more blood and unable to escape the deepening pool, he slumped down, choking.
"You could've just told me, and you'd have spared yourself all this. You wouldn't have needed to be Pluto's test subject for his pain inhibitor. I think it works quite well, don't you? Stops the brain from making you pass out due to extreme pain, so you have to lie awake and suffer through more than you're designed to. Ingenious, ain't it?" she smirked, digging her long nails further into his flesh.
He shook his head, one eye hanging out of the socket finally disconnecting and dropping into the puddle, splashing his blood into the gaping hole. He hoarsely screamed, attempting to shake it out. In the background, the whir of machinery droned on as a rough, masculine voice gave orders to grunts. Something rose-tinted shone into his eye every so often as the origin of the commands looked up from his clipboard to study the Rocket.
Mars stepped onto a very sensitive area, pressing her foot down lightly. "You've still got a chance to tell me, Fred John Bernard. How did they get the money?" she scowled, leaning into his ear to hiss the words out. "How… how do you know my name?" he moaned, spluttering out the blood that filled his mouth. "I was there when they promoted you. Pathetic, loyal fool. What's the secret?" red eyes glinted black as she crushed any hope of him ever being able to have kids with the sparkling white bottom of her boot.
"You… you… were in… Team Rock…et?" he wheezed, attempting to open his swollen eyelids so he could look at her. "Shocker, huh?" she flattened the flesh beneath her foot, twisting it into the ground. He let out another strangled scream as she smacked him once again. "TELL ME THE SECRET! I WON'T FAIL CYRUS SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU'RE INTENT ON BEING STUBBORN!" her voice rose as she fumed, kicking him onto his back and shattering half his ribs.
One punctured his lung, and as he writhed on the floor trembling in pain his mind went blank, except for one thing…
"Slowpoke tails…"
She slit his throat with a silver dagger bejeweled with rubies and walked off, nodding to a huddled group of disgusted grunts to clean up the mess. They shuddered, but when her crazed glare focused fully on them, the underlings sprung into action.
Pluto curled one side of his lip up at the bloody mess lying in the center of the torture chamber. His invention had worked perfectly. They always did. He followed the redhead out, showing her the spikes of pain the Rocket had felt as she mutilated him.
"Excellent. Something that does exactly what it's supposed to and completely ruins the mental state of anyone it's used on. Pluto, you're a genius!" she exclaimed, clasping her sticky hands together girlishly. Now that she'd succeeded in acquiring the answer for Cyrus, she was back to her usual self. Giddy, lighthearted and crazy for her boss.
The much-older male scanned her, wondering if he had some miracle cleaner he'd invented long ago to get all that blood off. "You should probably change before informing Cyrus of your discovery. He doesn't like his commanders to look so untidy, you know," the scientist rasped, frowning disapprovingly at the smears of blood her boots left in her wake.
Looking down at her thin frame, she had to agree Cyrus would be most displeased with her current appearance. "You go find some grunt to clean that up and I'll change," she ordered, hurrying off as Pluto went to opposite way to scope out an unwilling janitor.
She opened the door to her room, sighing as it closed. Why did they have to be so brutal sometimes? That Rocket was a good man. Sure, he was deathly loyal to Team Rocket and was a qualified executive, but he didn't deserve that. But if Cyrus said he did, then it couldn't be helped. 'Get the secret any way you can,' he'd told her, 'Show no mercy.' So she hadn't.
The blood would be a problem to get out, though, she pouted, stripping off her uniform. Trotting into her large shower, she tossed off the rings onto the counter, hoping the now-dried blood of the unfortunate Rocket would come off.
In her fervent scrubbing to clean her hands, she didn't notice the curtain open and a large figure step in behind her. A sinister snort of amusement alerted her to a visitor. Spinning around, she relaxed at the sight of none other than her boss. "Cyrus, don't scare me like that! At least tell me you're in the room," she scolded, leaning up to kiss him. He backed up, frowning at her blood-stained skin.
"Attempt to clean yourself off before touching me. I take it acquiring the information was difficult. His screams echoed throughout the building," he coldly laughed, stroking a clean spot on her face. "It was… regrettable but necessary. Pluto tested his pain inhibitor on him. It was a success. A beautifully horrific success," she sighed, finishing washing the blood off.
He didn't seem to care. "What is the secret to wealth?" "Slowpoke tails. Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck."
HYUCKHYUCKHYUCKHYUCKHYUCKHYUCK
"Commanders, you have a new goal. There will be no other work until this task is accomplished. We must discover why Slowpoke tails are so valuable. Do it NOW!" Cyrus had called an emergency meeting with the three commanders and informed them of their new task.
"Slowpoke tails? What the heck? You mean like, you chop off a Slowpoke's tail and sell it?" Jupiter scrunched her nose, disturbed at such a strange prospect. "Yes, unfortunately. That's how Team Rocket got rich! They depleted the entire Slowpoke Well population and sold all their tails. Now they're the richest team," Mars sniffed delicately, flipping through Rocket sales statistics.
Saturn rolled his eyes. "Aren't we above Googling why some weirdoes want to buy Slowpoke tails for ridiculous prices?" he whined, thinking of all the things he'd be better off doing. "If it means becoming OUTRAGEOUSLY WEALTHY, then nothing is below our standards!" Cyrus roared with laughter, his eyes glistening with insanity. Mars dreamily smiled, watching him cackle in a burst of evil.
"This is really pathetic," the magenta-haired female whispered to Saturn as they left the room, the redhead a couple steps behind. "I know, it's absolutely a complete waste of our time. Not to mention what are we supposed to find out that wouldn't be disgusting? Lonely, rich housewives use them as di-" he whispered back before Mars cut him off, "I know you two think this is stupid, but if Cyrus thinks it's a good idea, it's obviously sheer brilliance!"
The other two looked at her. "You're right, he seems very enthused about this, it must be spectacular!" And suddenly their boss' bravado statements blinded them once again.
Sitting down in the Galactic Computer Lab, the three began searching for information on Slowpoke tails. Saturn decided to distract himself by trying to get on /b/ and vote on their "Hottest Girl" contest, but Mars punched one of his hair curls down into a crater and he ran off crying to find a mirror to fix it. Jupiter leaned over to see what he was looking at, and when pictures of anorexic women with implants flooded the screen she punched it out.
"You're going to have to pay for that, you know," Mars scolded, waggling her finger in a displeased manner. "Well maybe you should /b/lock that stupid site! All he ever does is look at naked women on it," Jupiter moaned, looking ready to cry herself. "Oh BAAAAW! Don't take it so seriously, he's a straight, young adult who is very interested in women. Really dear, do you have to be so upset over every little thing he does?" the redhead rolled her eyes disapprovingly. "You sound like Cyrus with a vagina," the older female retorted.
Mars looked mortified, "Well I never!"
Saturn chose that moment to return and began whining someone had ruined his woman-viewing time. "Well maybe you should focus on researching Slowpoke tails you jerkoff," Jupiter scowled, sticking her nose up as he tried to sit next to her. "You'll just have to share a computer with one of us! Since all the other computers in here are broken, you know! And there's certainly not enough room near me for you to sit, unless I sat on your lap, which I'm certainly not doing," red eyes glinted mischievously, watching the male squirm as a dangerous aura seemed to exude from the remaining commander.
Pluto chose that moment to burst in, a bloody lump of something twitching in his gloved hands. "I have a Slowpoke tail!" he exclaimed triumphantly, waving the mass around as blood showered the room. "Oh ew, Pluto stop, I don't want to be coated in it!" the magenta haired female groaned, looking at the dots of red now gracing her uniform. "Why is it still moving?" Saturn paled, eyes focused in a horrified stare at the flailing tail. "Thanks a lot, you short circuited this computer by shaking that thing around! Really Pluto, couldn't you have washed it first?" the youngest in the room frowned, waggling her finger to scold him.
The scientist looked blankly at them. "You're concerned about your anorexic waistline having a few spots of blood, you're worried about the nerve endings reacting, and you're worried about a computer that still ran Windows 95? FOOLS! This is a SLOWPOKE TAIL! It's what will get us rich, and all you can focus on is material things!" he roared, stopping only to thump his chest when he began coughing furiously.
"Isn't getting rich and having a lot of money material?" Mars blinked, while the other two's eyes lit up with delight. "WE'LL BE RICH!" "IT'S A SLOWPOKE TAIL :D" they shouted.
Pluto pulled out a pistol and smacked the underage female with it. "Never mention such plot holes, fool!" he hissed quietly into her ear as she moaned for Cyrus. Straightening back up to as straight as the crooked old man could be, he turned to address the eager, oblivious commanders. "Yes, this will soon be the secret to a utopia of monetary delights. The likes of which no evil team has ever seen!" he began cackling in a horribly rasp smoker's cough-like laugh.
They cheered, not noticing the angered redhead slipping on rings without jewels. "NOBODY PISTOLWHIPS ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" she shouted, slashing his cheek open. The Slowpoke tail dropped to the ground as he reached up to grab his face, and the severed limb slithered out the door as an irritated Cyrus walked in.
"What are you all arguing about… why did a dismembered tail scamper out the door?" he closed his eyes and counted to ten, hoping this was some sort of odd daydream that would end soon enough. Opening them again and looking at the bloody trail on the floor, he sighed, knowing something like this could only happen to him.
Archie and Maxie were gay, and Giovanni was fantasized about by a talking cat on drugs, and everyone else was minor and never televised, but only Cyrus had three sexually-frustrated commanders and an ancient scientist with a fetish for the undead.
"BECAUSE IT'S ALIVE!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pluto shrieked in a mentally-unstable state of insanity. Cyrus deftly palmed the back of his head, knocking the bloody, crazed scientist out.
"Ugh Cyrus he's such a creeper! He tried to pistolwhip me so I shredded his wrinkly face. Protect me and care for me and lovingly stroke me. Sadie and Jupi can research the value of the tails since we only have one computer here now," Mars pitiably pleaded, lovingly stroking Cyrus' face. "Very well," the boss acquiesced, walking off with her in tow.
Saturn wondered what he'd ever done to be left alone with a raging woman. Jupiter glared at him and spun around in her chair, focusing on the blurry old screen. She really should be using her laptop for this, since it was modern and magenta and pretty, and wait, why were they using the team computers when they had laptops?
Stop, that's detrimental thinking to this plot!
Oh well, it didn't matter, she was stuck in a room with a horny guy who couldn't keep himself off of dirty websites. Mars had told her once he really favored deep magenta hair and eerily skinny waists, so maybe that was why he was staring at her with such an adoringly creepish look.
"I'm not giving you another glance," she firmly concluded, focusing on the archaic article on Slowpoke tails the wonders of Google had produced. "Look, I know you think I'm some pervert who spends all his time looking up naked girls on the internet and has five subscriptions to Playboy and frames every Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But I don't! And I'm not gay, either," he hurriedly added when she snorted in amusement, "I just like trolling /b/ by voting for the ugly girl they always have. If I'd have known you and Mars would go batty over it I wouldn't have gone trolling with you two staring over my shoulder."
The magenta-haired commander reluctantly turned to face the bluenette. He had a look of genuine, pitiable sincerity on his pale face, staring timidly into her eyes. "Is it true you have a fetish for abnormally skinny waists?" she innocently asked, lowering her eyes to her disturbingly tiny waist. "Um, yes?" he blushed, nervously shifting feet. "Well go Google pictures of anorexic sluts then," she smirked, swiveling back to the computer to finish reading.
"Stop being difficult, woman! Now tell me what you find out and I'll write it down," he huffed, settling down into the chair with a notebook. "I'm not being difficult! You're being too sex-obsessed. Well, like we thought, Slowpoke tails are sold for more money than the average person has, and only very wealthy people are able to buy them. Genuine Slowpoke tails are the most valuable, imitation Slowpoke tail is sold for a more reasonable price, but contains far fewer of the desirable qualities a freshly-severed, cool tail has. This stuff is sick," Jupiter scrunched up her nose, reading the various articles on Slowpoke tails.
Saturn felt like hitting her. "I am NOT sex-obsessed! Why won't you believe me I was just trolling? You are lacking so much self-confidence," he retorted, glaring at the back of her head. "Well maybe I wouldn't be if you didn't give me a reason to! Write down this: Slowpoke tails have many appealing factors.
"First, they can be used as food. One bite of a Slowpoke tail will send you into an oral orgasm of sheer delight, and it's very filling too! There's no fat in a tail, and it contains a full day's worth of every vitamin and mineral you could want. Who found this bull out? Really now, this is sick.
"Second, squeezing a Slowpoke tail will produce blood if you squeeze near the base, but a green-yellow liquid if you squeeze near the top. The latter is an excellent sexual lubri- Oh what the people use Slowpoke tail juice during sex? Team Rocket for figuring this out."
Saturn paused mid-sentence and blinked. These facts weren't entirely processing in his mind. "Wait, guys rub something that oozes from a Slowpoke's dismembered, rotting tail that sounds a lot like pus on their dicks before ing a girl?" he felt an inability to think of anything sexual and get turned on for weeks coming on.
"Yes… that is so unbelievably nasty! Ew! Moving on, though I doubt this is going to get any better.
"Third, if you skin a Slowpoke tail, the white tip's epidermis can be ground into a fine powder and then snorted, smoked, or eaten for one of a wild ride. People get HIGH off Slowpoke tail skin?! This just keeps getting sicker and sicker.
"Fourth, the remaining pink skin can be used as a wrap to rejuvenate, exfoliate, and cleanse the pores of any body part in need of some good, old-fashioned care. Simply tie the skin around the area firmly down and let it sit for a few hours. Why not sip some Slowpoke tail blood wine while you wait? Blood wine? I thought that stuff was from Star Trek! People actually drink it?"
"I guess… I'd never want to. I don't even want to look at another Slowpoke tail, attached or detached, ever again!"
"Me either. Fifth, the blood from a Slowpoke's tail can be made into a very arousing, intoxicating wine. You won't know, care, or regret whatever happens after a glass or two of this very high-quality beverage. I think I'd rather die of dehydration than drink a drop of that.
"Sixth, the physical Slowpoke tail itself can be used as a sexually gratifying object in the absence of a real man. A hole can be poked into the tip which, when squeezed, will release a cool, erotic liquid. Rich housewives whose husbands are often on business trips enjoy Slowpoke tails in this manner… I never want to be rich if that's what rich people do. Saturn, let's be poor peasants so you can never leave me and I'll never be remotely tempted to whack off."
"Wait what? When did we determine we were going to be rich or poor? Better yet, when did we figure out we're getting married?" he dropped the pen in shock, wondering where exactly this notion had come from. At that moment, Cyrus and Mars returned to check on their progress.
"Oh, you're getting married?! How delightful! We'll simply have to plan an extravagant wedding!" Mars happily giggled, rushing over to congratulate the pair. Cyrus raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Wait, stop, no, it shouldn't have come out like that. I didn't mean to imply that we were getting married or anything…" Jupiter stuttered, suddenly realizing what she'd said.
Saturn kicked the pen with his foot. "So, uh, what was the seventh reason?" he smiled nervously, trying to ignore the giggling superiors. "Saturn and Jupiter, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" Mars sang before being pistolwhipped by Pluto, who had recently recovered consciousness and was whirling his bloody hands around his body wildly.
"Pluto, I must request you refrain from beating females. I will lock the door to your lab if you don't stop," Cyrus grasped the older male by the back of the neck, tightening his grip. "Yes… sir…" the scientist hissed, eyes bulging as his lungs failed to take in air.
The redhead tenderly poked the side of her head where she'd been hit. Cyrus came up behind her and picked her up, presumably to carry her to get ice. Pluto departed a few moments later, grumbling and heading in the opposite direction.
The remaining commanders blinked. "Who'd have thought Pluto was a pistolwhipper?" Jupiter shrugged, turning back to the blurry screen to discover more disgusting facts about Slowpoke tails.
"Seventh, Slowpoke tails, when lit on fire, make very powerful explosives. They can be used as fireworks, bombs, mining tunnel excavation, or building demolition explosives. Be warned, the full tail will wipe out the entire state of Rhode Island! Well this is a fairly normal use."
"Finally something not perverted or disgusting."
"Wonder how long it'll last. Eighth, if exposed to black light, a Slowpoke tail will glow in darkness. They are able to absorb… some big word… and… some big verb… it as… another big word. Oh well. It doesn't really matter how it does it.
"Ninth, Slowpoke tails, when combined with various metals, make lovely firework displays. A single tail can illuminate five hours of darkness with an explosion a minute. That might be pretty, but I sort of wonder what kind of shapes it'd produce…"
"Something sexual, no doubt. Are we done yet?"
"No, this is the tenth and last use. If a male inserts his penis into the main artery of the tail, it can be used as a permanent enlarger. The current record for size gain is five inches. …What? People stick their dicks inside a rotting tail to make them grow? You wouldn't do that, would you?"
Saturn suddenly could only think of another thing he'd like to be inside. And she was sitting right in front of him. "No… unless you wanted me to." "Well I never would… why are you staring at my lap like that? Saturn? Why'd you throw the notepad outside? Why'd you lock the door? Saturn? Hello? Why are you climbing on top of me? What are you do-" she blinked, watching as he purposefully moved about, eyes glazed over like he was in a trance, before his lips silenced her.
She attempted to tell him to get off, but it came out sounding like ' me hard,' so he stayed on top of her. This really wasn't what she wanted to do after reading all those nasty Slowpoke tail facts, but it didn't look like Saturn had any intention of waiting. And she certainly wasn't about to force him off…
Meanwhile, Mars eventually returned for the Slowpoke facts. Seeing the notes outside the door, she didn't bother to open it, picking them up and skipping off to go read. Cyrus had disappeared to somewhere, so she shrugged and sat in his big, plush, swiveling chair, absent-mindedly drinking his mocha latte… thing.
A dangerously crazed glint began sparkling in her eyes as she read what Saturn had written. When Cyrus returned to his office, he found his favorite commander cackling madly, waving the notepad around, eyes glazed over with a psychotic sheen. "Mars, you don't look normal," he warily stated, keeping his distance in case she snapped and attempted to harm him.
"Oh, I've never been more energized, more ready, more prepared to unleash the ultimate plan on the world! SOON EVERY DOLLAR ON THIS MISERABLE PLANET WILL BE ALL MINE!! AND THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT!" she shrieked, staggering around like she was stoned on half a dozen different drugs all at once. "Perhaps you need to consider what you are loudly spewing out of your mouth," the light-blue haired male suggested, unsure if he should move to restrain her or allow her streak of mental instability to simply wear itself out.
"I've already considered it. I'll be RICH! FILTHY, STINKING RICH! TEAM ROCKET WILL LOOK LIKE MEXICO'S POVERTY-STRICKEN POPULATION COMPARED TO ME!" she screamed wildly, cackling once again. "The plan was to acquire the funds for Team Galactic, not your personal use. Have you… forgotten me so easily when tempted by riches?" he almost began to pout, looking sadly at her crazed form.
She settled down immediately and rushed over to him, wrapping her arms around his legs. "Oh I'm sorry honeycakes you're right it's not about me it's about us. How could I have been so stupid and blind? I'll never be anything without YOU," she wailed pitiably, stroking his feet like he was some great god. Suddenly Cyrus wondered just how mentally troubled she really was.
"It is alright, Commander Dearest, you are forgiven. Now, come here and tell Big Poppa Cyrus your idea," he simpered, carrying her back to his chair. He cringed at having to use the pet names she'd created, but it would keep her calm for the moment. "Well, Pluto showed me the Slowpoke he had some grunts rip the tail off of, and it regenerated the tail! So there's an unlimited source of wealth from just ONE Pokemon! All we need to do is buy a Slowpoke breeding farm and pull their tails off and sell them. We have that 'Sexy Marketing Salesmen' division, you know, the one Saturn thought of? With that Abercrombie model guy and those three female models? The ones with the implants and long, flowing, wavy blonde hair? So we can have them market the tails, and rich people from all over will buy! Isn't it brilliant?"
Cyrus sighed. "Yes, Mars, it is ingenious. There is no question about how intelligent and clever you are for thinking up such a quality plan to get rich. Purchase the Slowpoke, instruct the marketing unit, and begin to sell the tails," he instructed, wondering just how sound this plot was.
When she didn't move from his lap, he attempted to nudge her off. "Commander, I believe I told you to begin." "Oh, there's plenty of time to sell Slowpoke tails. Right now, I have something even more enjoyable in mind," she seductively whispered, stroking the side of his face lovingly. "What would that be?" he asked routinely, playing along with her little game. She'd react the best if he just went along with whatever crazy things she came up with.
"Well, we could test out the theory Slowpoke tails are simply excellent sexual stimulants…" she purred, reaching for a tail that was lying on the desk, recently deposited by Pluto when she'd asked him to check her math.
Cyrus attempted to keep from throwing up. "NO!" he shouted, rapidly standing up and running out of the room. Mars, now in a pile on the floor with the severed limb pinning her down, began crying.
In a few hours, when Saturn and Jupiter would discover their boss sitting in a corner, clutching his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth, muttering something about how his uncle who always wore a wife beater had his Slowbro beat Cyrus with its tail, they'd wonder how clever this whole idea was. Hitting the older male with a chair leg, still attached to the chair, they eventually subdued him enough to order some curious grunts to carry him back to his room.
Hearing their fellow commander still sobbing, the pair leaned cautiously into the office, peering warily around, ready to dart off at the first sign of anything disturbing. But alas, there was only Mars, trapped beneath a Slowpoke tail, miserably telling herself she wasn't a failure at love.
"Oh Mars, of course you aren't a failure at love! Cyrus was just abused as a child by his uncle and his Slowbro, that's all," Jupiter stupidly commented, smiling idiotically as Saturn kicked the tail off the female. "Really? He doesn't hate me?! Just pink tails?!" she hopped up excitedly, eyes shimmering.
"Of course he doesn't hate you! Just never bring up whatever you did to freak him out again and you'll be fine. He's in his room," the magenta-haired female replied, still cheery. "You're too happy. You're never this happy. You're always raging about something or other, and Saturn's always whining about some insignificant detail. Did you two have sex?" the redhead suddenly asked, putting her hands on her hips.
The other two commanders looked at each other, unsure how to best answer her blunt question. "Well, yes…" the bluenette shrugged at last. "Oh yay I win! I guessed right! I'm just so super-awesome!" she cheered, waving as she darted out to go find Cyrus.
The duo was left standing, staring out the door at the younger girl. "Alright then," Jupiter finally said, wondering if she'd need to see a shrink soon. "So, uh, you free tonight?" Saturn piped up after a few minutes of silence. "Yeah, I am. Should we, um, go somewhere? Together?" she shifted feet, giggling nervously. "Sure, sure, that was what I was, uh, going for. The Rio de Italia sound good?" "Yeah."
The loud moans of their superiors interrupted the awkward silence. Pluto burst into the room soon after, looking terribly frightened and pale. A trail of greenish blood appeared to be dripping from the back of his head. "Pluto what the happened?" Saturn gasped as the creeper collapsed, eyes rolling back in his head.
"Lab… research table… results… the tail… alive… mutations…" he managed to cough out between squirts of green blood. Jupiter called 911 as the scientist slowly stopped writhing on the floor. "Pluto, what went wrong?" Saturn asked again, kneeling beside the battered male.
"Slowpoke tail… mutated… never let… anyone know…" he rasped before passing out. The commanders carefully carried him down to the ambulance, worriedly watching the elderly male be driven away. "Think we should check it out?" the bluenette didn't exactly want to snoop around a lab where a man was just brutally attacked, but what else could be done?
"We probably should, before Mars finds anything to crush her Slowpoke tail Empire dreams. You have your gun, right?" Jupiter nodded in agreement, inching closer to him. "Yes. Let's go…"
The door to Pluto's subterranean world of science was tossed open, resting against the steel wall. The pair cautiously crept in, Jupiter clinging to Saturn's arm. A lone tail rested on a cracked metal table, emitting a strange green glow. The area was bathed in green blood, far more than Pluto would've been able to support and still run up the entire Galactic building. A grunt's half-dissolved head was nestled beneath the severed area of the tail, the rest of the body still oozing the thicker than normal green blood on the floor.
"What the happened here?" Jupiter nearly screamed in horror, backing up. "That tail… I think it mutated, killed the grunt, attacked Pluto, and is trying to eat the head. I hope this is some strange fluke and it won't happen to every tail we sell," the bluenette reached for his gun. He shot the tail, which writhed and made a lurch forward, as if to attack them. He shot it again and a sac of some strange blue liquid burst, coating the grunt's corpse and rotting away the flesh and muscle. Jupiter shrieked, darting out of the room. The tail moved no more, and Saturn quickly followed her.
"We can't tell anyone about this. Mars is going to begin selling the tails tomorrow, they're already shipped out, it'll cost too much to call it all off. I just hope this doesn't happen again…" he sighed, ushering her back up to his room.
The next day would be the launch of the greatest money-making scheme ever, which hopefully wouldn't end in failure. "We still on for tonight?" the male asked. "Yeah, why not? Let's go get drunk and sleep through Mars' crazy idea. You know what just me senseless right now, we're supposed to be finalizing her broadcasts and stuff but I really don't want to. Distract me, won't you?" she simpered, practically pouncing on the lean, feminine man beside her.
"I think I will…"
HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK
"MY SLOWPOKE TAIL EMPIRE IS BLOOMING! SOON I'LL HAVE DOUBLED THE AMOUNT TEAM ROCKET MADE!" Mars cackled, watching her smiling face chanting the joys of Slowpoke tails on every megascreen in Veilstone. Cyrus observed the Galactic stocks skyrocket and a massive influx of funds enter their bank accounts.
When one commercial stopped, another soon began playing. The pale redhead was plastered on nearly every television throughout the regions. "SLOWPOKE TAILS, HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK! ONLY P1,000,000!" she sexily cheered, pumping her fists into the air as Slowpoke tails floated gaily about her.
"It's a real shame Saturn and Jupiter decided to get wasted last night. Now they're sleeping and missing our greatest triumph ever," she sighed, turning away from the window and striding over to sensually plop herself down in the older male's lap. "What's my reward for this?" rolled off her tongue, which flicked out to lick his ear.
With the question of why Pluto was released from a hospital after suffering severe blood loss, and having his blood turned GREEN, whirring around in Cyrus' head, he wasn't exactly in the mood for her antics. He reviewed the reports again. The grunts who had been helping, Saturn and Jupiter, even Pluto himself, they all said everything had gone according to plan and there was nothing wrong. Sure, that was why his chief scientist had been mauled by an unknown force, and a good grunt hadn't been seen since slightly before the ambulance came.
"You're ignoring me. After all I've done for us over the past few days, you can't even give me a simple 'not now, baby' or even a shake of your head. I don't know why I bother, sometimes, you never appreciate me or anything I do…" she moaned accusingly, blinking rapidly so her eyes would water.
"That is most certainly untrue! I am very grateful for you and all that you do for the team. It is simply illogical to think anything remotely to the contrary. You will always be my special little Commander Dearest…" reaching out to caress her slender abdomen, he wondered why he tried so hard to keep her mentally sane. This hero-worship psychopathic illness she had was quite irritating sometimes.
She began pulling off his shirt. "That's good to hear. I was worried for a moment. All I want to do is make you happy and proud of me," her alluringly seductive voice whispered. "I know… I know," he sighed. It was too hard to stay mad at her, when all she ever wanted to do was please him.
"I do make you happy, don't I? You're proud of me, right?" she whimpered, naked and tugging gently at hairs on his chest. "Without a doubt, both are true," going along with whatever she wanted was the easiest way out. She didn't cry or attempt to kill herself. And she needed to be at her best for the Slowpoke tail revolution.
"I've got another interview in an hour… think we'll be done by then?" Mars smirked, dragging her hand up and down his torso. "If we aren't it will cause quite a scandal," he snorted, roughly kissing her neck. "We certainly wouldn't want that…"
HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK
"I still don't trust this whole thing. It's making Mars crazier than before, and that attack on Pluto creeps me out," Saturn crossed his arms, standing in the background as Mars spun around for the cameras. Jupiter was next to him, warily eying the duo in front of them. Cyrus was directly behind the redhead, juggling Slowpoke tails.
"I agree. Mars has started cackling more frequently now. It was eerie enough when Cyrus did it, but now BOTH of them can't shut up!" she whispered back, pouting. "You're pretty when you pout," the bluenette remarked, reaching out to stroke her face. She blushed, giggling madly.
"SLOWPOKE TAILS HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!" Mars shouted, mouth open, eyes sparkling, fingers in a peace sign, sprays of Slowpoke tail juice showering the set.
Saturn's expression turned sour. "This is revolting." As the pair began to turn away from the cameras to leave the stage, a small voice called out. "Hello there, are you the people responsible for the return of Sl… Slowpoke… t-t-tails?"
"Well not us exactly, but I suppose you could say that," Jupiter shrugged, looking down at a yellow-skinned, terribly underfed girl with a swollen black eye. "What do you need?" the commander continued. "I… I don't think you know… what the… the tails… can do… to families…" she began sobbing.
If Mars had been paying attention, she'd have attempted to comfort the obviously-troubled child. However, Saturn and Jupiter knew not how to soothe children, nor did they really give a rip about if some dumb kid was having a cry. So they stared down at her, bored.
"Do you have something important to our lives?" the male rolled his eyes, cocking his hip to one side. "Really, we have places to be and stuff," the other commander agreed.
The child looked up with tortured, watery eyes. The commanders stared at each other, uninterested in the pathetic creature before them. "Yes… I'll tell you what happened to me when my very-rich parents bought Slowpoke tails from Team Rocket..." but the girl trailed off.
"Are you having some issues recollecting this event?" magenta-lined lips spat out, pursing together.
"Oh, yes... I remember now... it was a dark night, I was in the alley alone, the big black man came out from behind a dumpster, he came closer to me, I screamed girlishly, he turned away and walked off, saying he was only interested in "the dick." I asked Mommy what that was and she cut my vagina out.
"My mom got high on Slowpoke tail powder and… and…" she broke down, crying too hard to speak.
The commanders blinked. "What the," Jupiter bluntly said at last. "Well your life doesn't suck or anything," was the only thing Saturn could think of.
They whispered together quietly for a moment. "We have determined Slowpoke tails may bring more harm than good to society. The attack on Pluto, the removal of this young girl's reproductive organ… who knows what else they can cause? We'd better research this some more," the male commander announced to nobody in particular.
HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK
Meanwhile, in a land not entirely far away, some sinister creepers were plotting the demise of some familiar faces.
"Lord Obama, what are we going to do? These… these… fiends… are ripping the tails off Slowpokes! This is an outrage! This is animal abuse! We, the Dark Empire of PETA, must put a stop to this nonsense!" a crusty, wrinkled, shriveled, half-Bidoof, half-person thing rasped. His name was Biden, and he scuttled along the floor much like a crab.
The robed, ominous figure at the head of PETA's only table laughed. "Yes, my pet, I will strike soon, once Iran has completed their missiles for me. Tomorrow, we launch our attack on Team Galactic! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Obama began cackling madly, and Biden soon joined in.
HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK
Saturn and Jupiter were quite distressed. There were many stories, buried or hidden, about the dangers of Slowpoke tails. More people's lives were ruined by Slowpoke tails in some regard than any other way in the year Team Rocket had first introduced the phenomenon. The original salesman who had trolled outside of Azalea Town for many a month was now in the highest-security prison's psychiatric ward, shuddering on the floor, chanting about the many side-effects of the tails constantly.
There was a terror in his eyes unlike any other. He'd seen the true horrors of Slowpoke tails, and it had left him forever mentally insane. The poor old fool was nothing compared to the pimp sporting purple and navy, waggling Slowpoke tails around the routes of Johto, who had made a fortune for the team.
Pluto's recovery was slow, though he appeared to be stable for the moment. As the Team Galactic Bank Accounts swelled outrageously fast, Mars and Cyrus slipped deeper into insanity.
This had to stop now.
There was an unstable aura in the air, an ominous sort of bliss that came just before a great onslaught of unbeatable destruction.
A knock was heard on the Team Galactic Headquarters door. A lone knock. The secretary stood up, walked to the doors, pushed them open, and was promptly tackled to the ground by an overweight furry. Darth Obama strode in, observing his surroundings with an elitist gaze.
Saturn and Jupiter crept down the stairs, peering into the room as PETA's furry army stormed the lobby. Their mouths dropped open, watching the hairy people toting guns sniff around for Slowpokes.
"I'll go get the grunts, don't you do a thing until I get back, you hear me?" she firmly instructed, darting off to find the trigger-happy grunt ward.
"You there! Blue-haired, feminine male! Tell us all you know about Slowpoke tails and this organization's brutal exploitation of the species," Obama hissed, using his dark side powers to pull the commander from his hiding place.
"I know you're a lunatic! And you're exploiting furries' love of things with fur! You'll never get away with whatever vile plot you have!" he bravely shouted, choking as Obama wrapped a lean hand around his neck.
Looking down at the skinny white male, the taller creeper faked a smile. "It's a true shame you won't be around to witness me destroying your fortune," he laughed curtly, squeezing tighter.
"STOP RIGHT THERE YOU CREEPY, ELITIST CRAZY!" Mars shrieked, flying down the stairwell, open-pronged rings securely on her fingers, bouncing off the wall and slashing Obama's hand open.
Saturn fell to the floor and scampered back to safety, hiding behind Jupiter and Cyrus.
A SWAT team rushed into the building, surrounding the bleeding PETA dictator and the underage commander. "Sir, this woman is ripping the tails off Slowpoke and selling them for her own personal profit. Place her under arrest!" Obama ordered, pointing at the redhead.
"Well you were trying to strangle Saturn! And you just forced your way in here! You should be arrested for being a failure," Mars sniffed daintily, folding her arms crossly.
"This is messed up," Jupiter commented from the sidelines. "My great empire… has hit a roadblock," Cyrus sighed, lowering his head into his hands mournfully.
The SWAT team, grunts and furry army began fighting, brutally beating each other up. "I WILL STOP YOUR CARELESS MUTILATION OF SLOWPOKES HERE AND NOW!" Obama roared, eyes glowing red as he began levitating.
"Oh suck an egg. HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!" the redhead snorted, roundhouse kicking him in a very painful location. She roared with laughter as he fell to the floor, writhing in agony. "THIS IS MY EMPIRE, !" Mars yelled, snapping Obama's neck while he was down.
"Mars, he's right, the Slowpoke tails are unstable, they've made people do crazy things, some of them turn radioactive and attack people! You need to stop! Do you remember the original salesman? The most successful pimp ever? He's now huddled on the floor of an insane asylum, rocking back and forth, trying to get the evils of Slowpoke tails out of his head. Do you want to end up like him? You're mentally troubled already and you have a hero-worship complex, AND you're incurably in love with your older boss. You're so close to the edge, don't push yourself over!" Saturn pleaded, crawling up to the triumphant redhead.
Cyrus looked up, contemplating something. "We have already amassed enough money to buy Microsoft, Apple, and every birth control maker. I believe it is safe to stop our efforts. And… I don't want anything more to happen to your mental state, Mars," he softly stated, slowly walking up to her and lovingly stroking her face.
She looked longingly into his eyes, with that familiar crazed glint Saturn and Jupiter recognized all too well. "Really? You care more about me than wealth? Than getting rich? You really care?" she questioned, lip trembling.
"Yes… If anything were to happen to you, all these funds would mean nothing, without you…" his lips grew closer to hers, almost touching…
"Alright folks clear out, the Sap Show on the USS Loveboat is private, nothing to see here," Jupiter rolled her eyes, ushering the grunts back to their floor, and the furries and SWAT team out the door, locking it.
"So ends the Great Slowpoke Tail Revitalization. Well, we're insanely rich now, and Mars isn't in the fetal position chanting nonsense yet, so I'd say things are fine," Saturn commented, standing up and dusting himself off. "AND I killed Obama!" Mars added, smiling. "And Cyrus said you're more important than success and money!" Jupiter put in, cheering with the other commanders.
Pluto stumbled in, supported by a cranky old Heatran. "What are we going to do with all the Slowpoke?" he huffed, having heard the sales were ending. "Well… Since PETA adores them so much…" Mars winked innocently, eying the receding figures of Biden and the furries.
"This is a most excellent plan, Mars dearest. I am quite pleased you thought of such a devious, cunning plot," Cyrus began cackling madly, eyes lighting up.
"I know right! HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK!" the redhead soon followed him, and they stood in the middle of the lobby shrieking with deranged laughter.
Pluto, still battered, looked at the sane commanders, who looked back and shrugged. All five of them were soon engrossed in laughing, not caring who heard their crazed hilarity. The only thing that mattered was they had about 10 bank accounts with over 100 billion each. And each other, snuggled together in psychopathic bliss.