Oh, my, hi everyone! It's been forever! Honestly though, this year has been so hectic, I have not had a solid moment to myself in a long time, let alone time to write anything. So I hope there are still a few of you out there and enjoy this chapter! It's really not my best, but I'm trying to familiarize myself with the story again.
Santana paced across the tiny perimeter of her room, biting her nails nervously, a life-long bad habit. She hadn't slept a wink and had been dreading ten o'clock because she would have to clock in and go up to get Rachel for brunch as if nothing that occurred the previous night had ever even happened. Why on earth did she let herself get to this point? Hadn't she told herself to refrain from stepping over her boundaries with Rachel multiple times now? Or better yet, hadn't she sworn off love in the first place?
Three numbers on the clock flipped to four and Santana wanted nothing more than to just close her eyes and disappear. But that wasn't an option.
C'mon, Santana. You used to have balls. Use them.
The walk down the hall to Rachel's room felt like a walk down the plank and with each step, she could feel herself shrinking smaller and smaller. What was she going to say? Would she be mad? Angry? Creeped out that her aid put the moves on her? Santana took a ridiculously long time in front of the door before, finally, she knocked hesitantly. Santana's heart pounded as she heard the soft footsteps from inside the room.
Rachel opened the door slowly. The brunette looked up at Santana timidly, biting her lip. "Hi, San."
"Hi, Rach," She breathed.
"Um, you want to come in?" Rachel opened up the door wider, and Santana awkwardly shuffled in. Rachel closed the door behind her, turning to lean her back against the wood while Santana slowly sat down on Rachel's bed.
You better start explaining yourself Lopez.
"So, about last night Rachel…"
"I had a really great time." Rachel interrupted. Santana looked up at her to see the brunette's small smile.
Santana blinked, "What?"
"It was really fun," Rachel's fingers traced the wood of the door behind her and it was clear that she was just as nervous as Santana was. She glanced over and out the window to the parking lot, her brown tresses hiding most of her face, as she spoke quietly, "well, I mean it was fun until you pulled away."
Santana looked up warily at her. She had to squint her eyes because of the bright morning light, but it didn't deter from the fact that her chest suddenly got a little tighter.
Santana shook her head, "I'm sorry I kissed you, Rachel. That wasn't okay– "
Rachel returned her gaze to Santana and slanted her head to the right, interrupting her apology. "Why did you do that?"
"Why did I kiss you?"
"Why did you pull away?"
Santana's jaw opened low. She pulled the end of her shirt, while struggling to form words. That wasn't what she was expecting to hear.
Is she implying that…she liked it?
"Wait, what? Rachel…"
"I would've been fine. I would've been okay, if that's what you were worried about. I'm not as fragile as everyone seems to think I am. You weren't hurting me," Rachel walked slowly toward her, "in fact, I…was really glad that you kissed me."
Santana's mind was racing. A million things twirled around in her head and she couldn't decipher what any of it meant. "Rach…do you like me?"
Rachel sat onto the bed next to her. She looked absolutely beautiful the way the sun was shining onto her hair. She looked better than anyone else Santana knew in the mornings; radiant. The brunette gently took her hand, the warmth between her two palms comforted Santana.
Rachel smiled, "Yeah, I do."
Santana's cheeks felt hot and her breath hitched. "H-how long?"
"Well, I mean, I've always liked you. You were the first person here to every treat me like someone normal. Someone worth looking after. It wasn't until recently that I knew I had feelings for you."
Rachel squeezed her hand even tighter, almost as if it was Rachel who needed the comfort. "You make me feel safe, San. You make me feel happy, and…okay. Until you came here, I had no one to help me from my nightmares or calm me when I can't remember something." She began to sniffle and Santana could see the tears beginning to form, and yet Rachel was looking at her with the same look of adoration that Santana had worn numerous times since caring for her.
"Before last night," Rachel continued, "I had never been kissed before."
"Rachel, I'm so –"
"No," The brunette stopped her, "Let me talk for a second."
Santana simply nods, as she gets the feeling that Rachel's saying words she's never said before.
"Thank you. And please, don't apologize. That's why I'm so glad that you kissed me, Santana. I've had no one for song long. Not a single person take care about me, let alone want to kiss me, and if I did I sure as hell don't remember, just like everything else about my past that was stolen from me. Don't I deserve to have these new memories be filled with good ones?" Rachel's smiling incredulously, gaining confidence through her speech.
"No."
Rachel furrows her brow in confusion, "No?"
Santana shakes her head. "No," she then pulls her hands away from Rachel's grasp, bringing them up to gently cup the smaller girl's face, "you deserve to have amazing ones, Rachel."
Santana swears she has never seen a brighter smile in her life. It's the kind of smile she wishes she could see Rachel wear forever. Slowly, she returns her hands to Rachel's, knowing that's where they're needed.
"If you don't mind me asking, though, have you…always known you like girls, or is this a new thing for you?" Santana asks cautiously. (The last thing any lesbian wants is to fall for a straight girl. Pretty self-explanatory.)
Rachel laughs in response, "I'm not anything, Santana. It's not about who you are attracted to, but about who you fall in love with."
At that, heart pumping, Santana returns her grin.
"One of the only things I remember my fathers telling me, is that love is love. I swore to them that I would never forget."
Santana couldn't believe what was happening. She woke up this morning thinking seeing Rachel would be the most awful and awkward situation. She never imagined in her wildest dreams that her feelings for Rachel would be reciprocated. Her head was spinning and she felt dizzy. Her adrenaline was increasing and she remembered what it was like to feel in love.
And then she remembered what it was like to be in love.
The Latina suddenly pulled away her hands. Her grin faded. She could see the confusion growing on her face and in her chocolate eyes.
Santana felt the knot in her throat that you feel when you know you're holding back a cry. She looked Rachel dead in the eyes with her own glassy ones.
"Rachel, think I'm in love with you…but I can't do this."
As if someone had told her the last type of news she ever wanted her ears to hear, Rachel's whole demeanor changed, becoming stiff and defensive. She pulled back.
"What? What do you mean you can't?"
"We just can't."
"That doesn't tell me what you meant."
"I meant that, you and me, we can't happen. I'm sorry, Rachel, I really am."
The brunette shoots off the bed instantly, upset. "What the hell, Santana. You can't just tell me you love me and then try to take it back. How is that fair to me?"
Santana sighed, "I didn't mean it like that."
"Then how did you mean it? You are the first and only person to ever tell me they love me. Since my accident, I have never felt loved. And you make me feel loved, Santana. Explain to me, please, why we can't be together. I love you, you love me. Why can't we do what feels right and be happy? Why can't I, for once be happy?" Rachel cries.
Standing up, Santana throws her hands in the air. "Because I wreck things! I wrecked my life, I wrecked my family's life, and I know I can wreck yours."
"Bullshit."
Santana wasn't used to her Rachel saying such words, she wondered if it even came from her. And then she realized what the curse was alluding toward. "Excuse me?"
"I can see through you, Santana. You aren't as closed off as you want everyone else to believe. I know that's not the only reason you won't let yourself be with me. Just tell me what else and maybe I'll understand better. Because right now your 'I love you' is sounding a lot like an empty promise."
Santana could feel a single tear fall down her left cheek.
Maybe…it's time to talk. Talk about her.
"Fine! I'm scared, okay?" Santana shouted incredulously, "Rachel do you remember after you had that nightmare of your accident that I told you someone had hurt me and that's why I have a hard time opening up?"
Rachel shook her head slightly, "A little."
Santana sighed and fell back onto the bed.
Here goes nothing…
"Before I came here and before I started doing all that bad stuff that I did, I was in love with someone. A girl," Santana glanced to see if Rachel was listening. She was.
"Her name was Sugar Motta and at the time she was my everything. She was bubbly and sweet and she could make me laugh by saying just about anything. We were together for nearly a year when her dad had to ruin it all. She was the daughter of a diplomat, and there was no way on earth his little Sugar Bear could be a lesbian. The press would have a field day!
So he attempted to pay me off to break up with her. I turned down twenty thousand dollars because I was in love and I couldn't let her go. But apparently the only thing Sugar couldn't let go of was the money. She dumped me when her father threatened to cut her off of her multimillion inheritance, as if the past year had meant nothing to her."
Santana hadn't spoken of Sugar ever since that day. Not to anyone. Even Puck knew not to mention her. There was no use in hiding tears now.
Rachel swiftly came over to her aid, engulfing her in a tight embrace. "San, I'm so sorry."
Santana pulled back to look into Rachel's eyes. "That's thing that hurt the most. She didn't even say that. She never said she was sorry."
Rachel took her thumb and wiped away her tears with it, much like Santana had done for her before.
"San, you have to know that I would never do that. Unlike her, I could never let you go now that I have you. You're the only thing I have, Santana. Tell me why I would ever let you go?"
The Latina smiled through the tears to gaze at her Rachel. She studied every inch of her face until she could see that her words were true. "You wouldn't."
"No, I wouldn't."
Santana stroked her palm gently across Rachel's face, while Rachel toyed carefully with the ends of Santana's raven tresses.
Santana could feel that this time it was different. Rachel was different and she knew that she had no choice than to let herself fall and be engulfed by this amazing girl in front of her. She had to or she would never have the chance again, because she would never meet another Rachel again.
This time, with a steadier head and heart, Santana closed the gap between the two with the most genuine of intentions. They melted into one another as if there had been no one ever in the universe other than the two of them.
Santana felt the warmth of Rachel's breath as she exhaled into the kiss and she had never been so thankful that she had gotten caught for her wrongdoings, because this time getting caught brought her to exactly where she was supposed to be.
Santana woke up first, sighing contently as she took in her surroundings. So tired from all the tears (and the kissing) the two girls fell asleep on Rachel's bed, their limbs entangled in one another.
She looked down at her snoozing patient looking so peaceful, she thought she may never want to disturb her. The Latina turned to see that it was almost 12:30 in the afternoon. They had slept through brunch and were almost due for therapy.
Santana lightly kissed the top of the brunette's head, gently waking the girl. "Rach, wake up."
"Hm?" Rachel lifted her head sleepily.
"You must be starving. You should get something to eat before therapy. It's almost one."
"Yeah, okay." The small diva stretched out her limbs as far as she could, groaning and grunting in the cutest way possible, Santana couldn't help but laugh.
They slowly got up and off the bed and put on their shoes to go to the Commissary.
Santana scooped up Rachel's hand, "Ready?"
Rachel glanced up to her, "I am now."
Hey! I know it's super short, but like I said, I'm re-familiarizing my self with the story because I realize that's it's almost been a year since I touched it last. Again, sorry about the wait. I can't promise frequent updates, but the story will not be left unfinished. Thanks for sticking around guys. And please review!
-Katie