If Steve thinks I'm actually going to leave him alone right now, he has gone crazy, Soda thought, as he closed his best friend's bedroom door. He did need to get ready for work, but he had plenty of time. All he needed to do was change clothes anyway. He eyed the door for a few moments, then went down the hall and stepped out onto the back porch. He told me leave him alone, Soda thought. So I did. I'll go home soon enough. He sat down on the steps and turned sideways to lean against the railing and look through the screen door, not sure if Steve would stay in his room.

He has to be scared, Soda thought, but of course he is! He could see that Steve was only going to fight him today, so he had thrown the truth at him over and over, praying it would hit a target. Soda hadn't planned to bring up the incident when Steve had seen Clara staring at him, but he needed his friend to know how much he wanted to help. Soda wanted him to know that he meant every word of what he said at the cemetery fountain, including that he loved Steve just like his own brothers. He wasn't just saying things to hurt him or even to try to make him feel better. Soda was telling Steve what he needed to hear, even if it meant taking the risk that he would fight harder.

Soda saw Steve through the screen door and got just a little closer, but still stayed out of sight. He only wanted to make sure Steve was okay for the moment, both because of the way he had seemed to get worse the last couple of days and because of the scare just before he had gone to see the counselor. Soda believed Steve when he said he hadn't been planning on killing himself the day he had been so intent on being alone. Still, the way he talked sounded bad, even hopeless, and today sure wasn't any better.

Soda didn't believe Steve was lying either time when he said he didn't want to die, but it scared him to see his best friend trying to push everyone away. He was in so much pain, yet he refused to tell anyone more about the memories in his head, choosing instead to drink and lash out at those who cared about him.

Soda looked through the screen door once more, noticing Steve going back in the direction of his bedroom. Pulling his eyes away, Soda decided he better go. He got to his feet and went down the steps, then opened the gate surrounding the backyard. He let his gaze linger on the house for a moment, as he went through the gate and pulled it closed. Maybe his dad can get through to him, Soda thought. Someone has to get him to talk before he destroys himself, trying to deal with those memories.

"Before I go home, I think there's something I should tell you," Soda said.

"Go on, Sodapop. I'm listening," Nicholas said, closing the Bible once more, leaving the green ribbon bookmark in place.

"Steve kept saying he couldn't be alone. First thing he said today was he didn't know what he would do alone right now."

Nicholas raked a hand through his hair, then rested his forehead in his hand, sighing. "Thanks for telling me."

"I'm not sure why he said that, but it bothered me, and I thought you'd want to know. Especially when we got here, and he told me please don't leave him alone. Like I was going to anyway." Soda opened the door. "I'll see you later," he said to Nicholas, before letting the door close, as he stepped outside.

Steve didn't move, his chin resting on his hands, as he sat on the porch swing.

Soda came closer to him. "Steve, I feel like it's a dumb question, but are you okay?'

"I just can't believe these last few days."

Soda sat down next to Steve. "Man, I'm really out of things to say today."

Steve sat up straight and looked at Soda then, a small grin on his face. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Soda smiled. "Hey!"

"Yeah, I guess I'm still in here somewhere." Steve leaned his head against the back of the swing. "I'm just not sure where."

"You're going to figure it out. Before I go, I want to remind you of something."

Steve still leaned his head back and had closed his eyes. "What's that?"

"Something I said before." Soda's voice got softer. "Just like my own brothers. Remember that."

Nicholas was on his knees on his bedroom floor, the bed his makeshift altar. He leaned his head against it, turning his face to the window, as he prayed."I hope he knows I'd have given anything to protect him then, if I'd known what she really was. Maybe I should be thankful I caught her when I did, but it shouldn't have happened at all. God, why did I trust her?"

Nicholas hadn't heard the door open, or seen Steve peak in at him. He closed his eyes, tears dripping down his cheeks and onto the bed sheets that he clenched in his fists. He didn't see Steve still standing there, holding onto the door. Nicholas prayed again, this time in a whisper. "Why didn't I see it? Why did I let it happen?"

Nicholas felt a hand on his back and turned his head, coming face to face with Steve, who had kneeled down next to him. "Dad, don't do this to yourself," Nicholas heard his son tell him. "The things I said tonight weren't because of you."

Nicholas felt Steve's arms go around him and hold him tightly. He let himself rest in his son's embrace, his head on his shoulder, as he heard him speak again. "I don't know the answers to my own questions about what God was up to. But you trusted her because she pretended to care about both of us."

Nicholas closed his eyes, tears still making their way down his face, as he held onto his son and listened to Steve's voice continue to answer the questions he had prayed. "You didn't see it because she didn't want you to, and she knew what she was doing."

Nicholas took in a deep breath and opened his eyes. He felt Steve pull away slightly, then found himself looking into his son's eyes, as he spoke once more in reply to his prayer. "I know you would've protected me if you had known. I also know you didn't let it happen, Dad."

"Hey, Soda, you ready to go? Steve's car is outside," Darry yelled across the house.

Steve opened the front door. "And Steve himself is in your doorway," he said, stepping inside.

Darry looked at his watch. "Oh. I thought you were kind of early."

"Yeah, just wanted to hang out for a minute," Steve said, as he walked past Darry and down the hall. "Where are you, Soda?"

"In here, man," Soda replied from his bedroom, as he pulled on his DX shirt, buttoning it up.

Steve closed Soda's door before speaking. "Listen, about yesterday-"

Soda looked up from the last button. "Don't."

"But I-"

Soda leaned back against the dresser, arms crossed over his chest. "I said don't. I'm not going to listen to you apologize."

Steve sighed, his shoulders dropping. "So what can I say?"

"Anything, but telling me you're sorry. Cause you know what? I'm ain't sorry."

"Huh?"

"I'm not glad about what happened or about how you're feeling, but I'm glad you came and got me, and you don't have to feel bad about anything you said in the car or at your house. Damn, any time you think you shouldn't be alone with all that, please always tell someone."

Steve put his hand on the door knob, swallowing. "Thanks, Soda."

Soda let his arms drop, grinning. "No problem. Now, come on, let's go before we're both late."

"Steve, can we talk?" Evie asked, as she stood in front of Steve's car.

Steve leaned against the driver's side door, putting his keys in his pocket. "I just don't know what to say."

"Are you mad at me?" Evie got a little closer, standing beside Steve.

"No. Believe me, that'd be a lot simpler."

Evie touched Steve's arm. "I really am sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"I know." Steve let himself look into Evie's eyes. "I want you to know that as upset as I've been about what happened, this I'm feeling now isn't just about that."

"Okay. Is there anything I can do?"

Steve shrugged. "I don't think so."

Evie dropped her hand from his arm. "I need to get back inside. My lunch is over, and I left all my stuff in my locker. But will you meet me at the creek after school, so we can talk?"

"Yeah. Sure." Steve shoved his hands in his pockets. "I have my appointment today, so it'll be a little later though."

Evie started to lean forward to kiss Steve on the cheek, but she changed her mind, turning around to head inside the school building.

"Steve, I want to remind you of something that's going to be very important to remember," Laura said. "This is the last thing before we end today, but I think it's critical for you."

Steve nodded, holding the notebook she had given him in his lap. "Okay."

"You were a child doing only whatever you could to cope, and you probably had a range of emotions, much like you do now. I want you to remember that there's nothing wrong with any reaction you had. Every single thought in your mind and every emotion you experienced was simply part of trying to survive not just one traumatic event, but a series of them."

Steve brought his hand to his stomach, as he felt it turn. He clutched the notebook tighter with his other hand, looking down at it.

"You were a child who suffered sexual abuse, and that's traumatic enough on its own, but it was further complicated by Clara's death and your father's way of handling everything afterwards. So anything you felt then and-" Laura paused. "Are you okay?"

Steve was taking several deep breaths one after the other, and his hand clutched his stomach, feeling waves of nausea rippling through his body. "I'm just overwhelmed with everything."

"Of course. It's perfectly normal and understandable to feel that way too. Why don't you go ahead and go?" Laura smiled, as she stood to her feet. "I'll see you next week."

Steve stood up with the notebook in his hand, and the ache in his stomach was still growing. He nodded at Laura. "All right."

"So it sounds like you've been doing a lot of sharing with people who care about you," Laura said, sitting in her chair across from Steve with her legs crossed.

"Yeah. I guess I have," Steve said, looking at Laura, then at his lap. "I don't know what I would have done lately if I couldn't talk to them. I'm supposed to meet Evie and talk to her after I'm done here."

"Do you want to talk to her?"

"I guess so. I just don't know if she really wants to be with me anymore. After what happened, I don't know why she would. She sees how messed up I really am. Everything is different now. That's why she had to go and kiss someone else. I bet he's not like me."

"Steve, you told me you had a flashback, then about everything after." Laura leaned forward, bringing her hands together. "Go back to that night."

"What about it?" Steve brought one arm over his chest, squeezing his other arm, as he looked at Laura. "You want to know what was in the memories?"

"Well, yes, but go back first to the moments just before you pulled away from Evie. Tell me exactly what was happening."

Steve bit his lower lip. "I remember the second I froze."

"Okay." Laura nodded, leaning back in her chair. "Tell me about it."

Steve picked up a rock, tossing it into the creek. He watched the water ripple in the sunlight, the insight Laura had helped him find still in the front of his thoughts. He sat down in the grass up under the branches of a tree, his back against the trunk. Steve felt a cool breeze and saw the creek moving along with the air, the water flowing easily. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, letting himself rest.

Steve had delved into so much with Laura today, linking the moment he had frozen with the past memories. He thought he understood before, but she helped him know exactly why the memories of Clara's abuse were triggered at that time.

Steve had almost told Laura even more, making another connection during their discussion. Yet, he had stopped himself, his chest clenching with fear and a wave of unshakable shame. He couldn't go deeper, knowing what was there would be so tough and confusing to confront. He decided to keep the other insight to himself.

Just before Steve left, Laura had asked him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about. There was something else he did believe he should tell her, that he, in fact, should have told her when she specifically asked about it once before. Yet, that was also a place he didn't feel ready to go, even if he shouldn't be fighting this alone. Steve didn't know if he could form the words to give his thoughts a voice, and he wondered if giving them one would actually help. A sense of apprehension had come over him, making him decide against revealing more, so he had told Laura that was all for now.

Steve felt another breeze at the same time a cold shiver made its way through him, making goose bumps appear on his skin. He opened his eyes, staring at the creek, wondering if the water ever got a chance to just be calm, just be still.

He turned his head and saw Evie approaching him. "Hey."

"Hi," Evie said, as she sat down next to Steve, facing the creek.

"Evie, I still don't know what to say."

Evie touched Steve's arm, letting her hand rest there. "Then, just listen. I really do care about you. I'm still sorry for the things I said and did that hurt you. I'd take it all back if I could, and I wish I could make every pain you've ever felt go away."

"It's nice you want to fix me, but are you sure you still want to be with me?"

"I don't want to fix you because you're not broken, and I do still want to be with you. I know I haven't made it seem that way lately, have I?"

Steve didn't respond, the sun casting his shadow on the grass in front of the tree. He moved his eyes from the ground to the rippling sunlit water, feeling Evie's hand still on his arm. The water was never still, yet her touch felt good to him.

Nicholas opened the front door and saw Steve on the porch swing. A textbook was in his lap, but his head was turned, facing the yard, where clouds had begun to gather in the sky.

Nicholas stepped forward, the swing moving, as he settled next to Steve. "You all right, Son?"

Steve nodded. "I guess." He still didn't turn to look at Nicholas. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong."

Steve closed the textbook and set it on the ground next to the swing. "I mean for the things I said about God."

"It's okay to ask questions, Steve."

Steve glanced at his dad briefly, then turned his eyes back to the yard, noticing drops of rain begin to fall. "It's not that I don't believe. I do, or I think I wouldn't ask what I did."

"God can handle it, Son. I can too, even though I don't have the answers. Thank you for being there for me last night. It means a lot. I needed to hear the things you told me."

"I think I needed to say them too. Laura and me have talked about putting the blame where it belongs." Steve looked at Nicholas, meeting his eyes. "And that's on Clara. Not on me or you."

"I'm glad to hear you say that. It's really important for you. It another thing that tells me you're stronger, that you're healing." Nicholas laid an arm across Steve's shoulders.

"Another thing?"

"Yeah. If you want to know more, I heard what I thought was a really important one yesterday too."

Steve watched the rain fall. "Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"Soda told me about what happened with Evie yesterday."

Steve raised an eyebrow. "My girlfriend kissing another guy tells you I'm healing?"

Nicholas grinned, squeezing Steve's shoulder. "No. I mean he told me that, then said you came and got him, that you guys went for a drive."

"I practically kidnapped him."

"Whatever you call it, it's better than handling it alone and keeping pain inside when it's too much."

"He tell you what I said?"

Nicholas shook his head. "No. Just that you were really upset."

"It was like the farther away we drove, the more I was able to say. I felt so bad, and once I started crying, I thought I'd never stop."

"The only thing Soda told me you said was about being alone."

Steve felt himself stiffen beneath Nicholas' arm that still laid across his shoulders. "Yeah. I should've known he would mention that to you."

"You've told me before that you didn't want to be by yourself. It's a good thing to say something if you don't want to be alone for some reason, Son."

Steve laid his head on Nicholas' shoulder. "I know, Dad." He closed his eyes, listening to the sound of the steady rainfall.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

Steve didn't open his eyes, as he shook his head. "Not right now."

Nicholas sighed, giving his son a gentle squeeze. "Okay." He leaned his head back, letting it rest on the swing. He looked at Steve for a few moments, then turned his eyes to the sky, seeing the rain begin to pour.